Upset---he just broke up with me

[shatra]

Hi---

  I had a crisis this week with my BPD partner. His computer was hacked, and in the process, his facebook and old dating online account were re-activated. I looked into it and it seems he is not on the dating site.  I still feel suspicious, and have been questioning him about it this week. He insists he has been faithful.

   I questioned him more today, and we both got angry.  He said "If you are gonna be mad all the time, let's just break up. I said that is him running away. Then I asked him if he loves me, and I felt shocked and hurt when he avoided the question, and then he yelled "No, and don't call me anymore!" 

   He rarely told me he loves me, so I am afraid it is true that he doesn't love me. We have been dating for several years, and I feel like if he doesn't love me by now, he never will.  He called me an hour later and I asked him again if he loves me-----he said "Oh, we weren't close anyway and you hardly dated me, so I don't love you in the deep way you want"  This gets me confused and angry, because he sure acted like he was committed, and now after the break up he is minimizing it... .we agreed to talk again tomorrow, and I feel very scared... .not sure what to discuss with him about all this, but I would like to get clarity about whether he loves me (he said no today).

    By the time he called me back, he had switched from a total break-up to a "break" -----I wonder if it's best to just go along with this as opposed to trying to ask him to stay.

Shatra

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Please read the lessons again.

Hard "questioning" of a pwBPD traits rarely goes well.

What do you want? 

Taking a "break" to center yourself is usually a good idea.

[shatra]

Hi

  Yes a break might help center myself, but I would feel anxious that it would enable his BPD, by saying that when I get mad, his response to pull away is "okay". I am also very upset  over him telling me he doesn't love me... .not sure if others have experienced this. I read the lessons, and wonder if validation would help----hard to validate someone's negative opinion of me and validate their lack of accepting my anger.

  What do I want? I guess clarity and understanding of the whole process that just happened today

Shatra

[caughtnreleased]

What my BPD told me about love:

"I think I can love people"

"I'm dating someone else now. I love you, you're one of my best friends"

"What you and I have happens once or twice in a lifetime."

"It's not like your love has to be unconditional, but almost. I"m better at casual dating and joking around… when it gets serious it's not fun with me anymore. It's hurtful to date me"

"there was never anything between us and never will be. When will you get that through your head!"

What I think about loving a pwBPD:

you cannot ask them to love you, the same way you love them. If you love them, then love them, the way you love them, and be sufficiently confident in your love for them, and find enough satisfaction for yourself in the way you feel about them.  Their love is volatile, it comes, and it goes… it's out of your control.  The only thing you can control, and maybe validate, is your own love for them. Recognize it and give it value.  They most likely will not.

[Mr. Solo]

Hi

  Yes a break might help center myself, but I would feel anxious that it would enable his BPD, by saying that when I get mad, his response to pull away is "okay". I am also very upset  over him telling me he doesn't love me... .not sure if others have experienced this. I read the lessons, and wonder if validation would help----hard to validate someone's negative opinion of me and validate their lack of accepting my anger.

  What do I want? I guess clarity and understanding of the whole process that just happened today

Shatra

Since my dBPDw's BPD really kicked in four years ago, she has told me everything you can imagine.

She is madly in love with me and cannot believe how good I am to her.

She loves me but isn't in love with me.

She used to be in love with me but isn't now.

She wants to be best friends with benefits.

She wants to just be friends.

She never loved me and faked it all.

She never loved me and wished she would have married (insert old boyfriend's name).

She never loved me but didn't want to be alone.

She never loved me but was afraid to not marry me.

She hates me.

She would go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. So, yes, I have experienced this. I, like you, wonder if she really loved me. I cannot know for sure. However, when I look back at our first fourteen years of marriage and see her as she was then I can't help but feel she did love me.

I also responded to situations like you described the same way you did. It is very hard not to react when you are being hurt so bad. And their ability to at least act like it isn't even bothering them is very good which makes it hurt even worse. You tell him you may leave and he says, "Good!" Like he doesn't really care and may even be relieved if you left. That's just what they do. In the moment it is maddening. I would give you advice but I don't feel like I am able. I am still learning about all of this. I do know this much, I think the thing I regret the most is saying things that I know I should have never said and some that I had even promised her I would NEVER say. Such as, "You turned out just like your mother!" Her mother abandoned her and her brother when she was four and he was two. She is a homeless drug addict. Her family always told her when she was a kid she would turn out just like her mom. When I finally felt like I had had enough, I screamed in her face, "I WISH YOU WOULD JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE YOUR MOTHER DID! YOU REALLY DID TURN OUT TO BE EXACTLY LIKE HER!" It was like I was standing outside my body telling myself, "No! Don't say that!" But I couldn't stop. Bad mistake. It is something she is having a very hard time getting over. So, try to stay calm and don't say or do anything you will regret.

[shatra]

Hi

Thank you for the replies. Mr. Solo, i will try to stay calm. I can relate to the different phases of love you described (used to be but isn't now, never loved me,) etc. i am struggling with this and feel very upset----the feeling that he doesn't love me is very painful, since we have been dating for years.  I could practice radical acceptance if the love was back and forth, but in terms of words, he is saying he does not love me. Would anyone stay with someone who doesn't love them after all this time?

  cuaghtnreleased---yes that's a good description of their volatility.

  Not sure I can calmly express myself to him, knowing that he wants to "end" it and doesn't love me. I can try validating what he expresses, such as "there are different types of love",, but I feel nervous

Shatra

[LApak]

My man doesn't tell me he doesn't love me but I think I cAn relate to how U feel... .It hurts and hurts badly to love so hard yet get treated poorly when they're in that mood huh?  I also think he must and a few years with him?  He's using words to hurt U... .Because maybe he can?  If he was "over " U, he would t be meeting to talk and U kinda kno that too huh?  What would happen if u went along with him? Agreed with him?  Just curious Cuz I've tried it, done it and then my man totally changes his words.  Then I get a few good weeks...   And then we do it all over again .  Good luck beautiful girl... .He isn't going anywhere tho, that Im pretty sure I'm right about .  Sounds like he wanted to hurt U? With words... .

[AnnaK]

He probably loves you (why else he'd stay for so long with you), but problem is - he does not know about it.

You are better off informing him about it, kinda : "You seem to love me, this is why you asked me not to call you. If I call - it will hurt, and if you did not love me, you would not care"

[AnnaK]

That's a very gentle topic - as they are very insecure, they hate themselves and believe it will never work anyway because you are going to leave - it hurts them to love you.

Hence all the defences.

[Grey Kitty]

Since my dBPDw's BPD really kicked in four years ago, she has told me everything you can imagine.

She is madly in love with me and cannot believe how good I am to her.

She loves me but isn't in love with me.

She used to be in love with me but isn't now.

She wants to be best friends with benefits.

She wants to just be friends.

She never loved me and faked it all.

She never loved me and wished she would have married (insert old boyfriend's name).

She never loved me but didn't want to be alone.

She never loved me but was afraid to not marry me.

She hates me.

Shatra,

The nature of the beast is that you will get these kind of mixed messages from him. OK, they are only mixed if you remember what he said the last time.   Because each one is sincere, as if there never was anything different before. Until the next one which is equally sincere.

the feeling that he doesn't love me is very painful, since we have been dating for years.  I could practice radical acceptance if the love was back and forth, but in terms of words, he is saying he does not love me. Would anyone stay with someone who doesn't love them after all this time?

His actions were loving. As you said, you were dating for years. You wouldn't have done that if he was being cruel and horrible all the time!

Unless he recovers, you will never get a consistent, balanced view of your r/s from him. That's not how his brain is wired today.

And more importantly, it *IS* painful to hear him say things like this.

Take a little time. He's given you some space right now. Sit with your feelings about this r/s... .when you start wondering what he's thinking, what he's feeling, or how he will react, gently tell yourself to let go of that thought and go back to your own feelings instead.

 GK

[AnnaK]

Just imagine if you were fat, ugly and had some shameful disease - and on the carnival, while wearing a mask, you'd meet the most attractive guy you can imagine.

And fell for him. For real. He'd be nice to you, he'd tell you that you are amazing, he'd look like he loves you, he'd question if you feel the same for him - and all you can think about that the moment will come when the masks have to be taken off - and he'll see THIS

[shatra]

Hi--

Thank you for the suggestions and insights... .they are very accurate.  I opted for talking on the phone instead of seeing him, and when we talked he was volatile and angry. He did say that he loves me, so I was glad about that.  unlike the past, I took the advice here and I did NOT ask him to stay with me... .and said I needed some books of mine to be returned... .he offered to have me come pick them up and I told him (in a distancing move)---just leave them outside and I'll be there to collect them---he seemed stunned and was silent and then agreed.

   I then asked him about his love for me, and how unavailable he had been in the past, and he blew up and started yelling and saying "we already went over this".

He couldn't talk calmly or rationally.  I asked him about a neutral topic and he calmed down, then I said I'll get the books tomorrow, and said goodbye. I picked up the books and avoided seeing him. I feel very sad and angry. I also feel he may try to recycle in the future, and pin the break up on me (i.e. he will "forget the part" about him ending it, and will only "recall" the part about him changing it to a "Break"... .and he will say "You had the nerve to ask for your books back that means you wanted it to end"    I could tell he was upset that instead of seeing him in person for the books I just told him to leave them outside.

Shatra

[Grey Kitty]

  Take good care of yourself, Shatra.

You sound like you know what you need right now.

[Jessica84]

Shatra, they'll fit the facts to what they're feeling in that moment. I don't know if they even realize when they are conveniently forgetting or distorting the facts. Consistency isn't their stong suit either. I visualize their feelings as clouds. They pass. They come, they go, always changing shape and form. Their words can be wonderful and loving, or harsh and spiteful. Try not to dwell too much on the words. They're based on temporary emotions.

PS- I love AnnaK's carnival analogy! Very insightful.

[shatra]

Hi

  Yes the clouds passing by like their moods and feelings is a good analogy. The problem is that I will remember the negative things he did and said, and he just brushes them aside... .and he may distort his breaking up into my abandoning him.  I am very sad and angry about this.

Shatra