Cheating or not?

[LApak]

Curious if anyone can relate, explain this one... .My guy doesn't cheat physically but texts other girls ALL THE TIME .  Not call, text for hours .   Have no clue what the chat is about but I'm exhausted of wondering... .Worrying ... .  I think it's like he needs to know other chicks want him but again, I really don't get it.  and this happens ALOT.  He's finally off my phone plan so I can't snoop, thought it would help but it still makes me crazy... .Cheating ... .Common? Will it ever stop ? Do I accept ? Or just get out?  Obviously we have other problems but the majority of our blow outs start from this when I finAlly snap and say something.  Trust me, Ive tried to not say or fight with him but my God, U get to that point U kno?  Grrrrr... .And he did cheat- physically - once, and he did hit me when I called him out... .Idk why I forgave him, I guess Cuz I don't believe he understands his own actions... .I'm just over it ... .not much forgiveness left in me anymore

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LApak]

UR right, I do kno the answer... .But I also kno I won't... .and that I'm not understanding,  I've NEVER let a man control me, I've also never been in love , not as deeply as this.  Any thoughts on WHY I'm not enough? Or thoughts on HOW to be enough?  I just kno I'm not ready to say goodbye, yet.  Even if I should.  It's like I get to that point, he knows it and then we're back to being perfect .  It lasts no longer than 2 weeks.  Financially I'm a lil stuck too,  U kno the butterflies U feel at the beginning? These butterflies are still there... .It just takes a kiss and I melt.

[Mr. Solo]

UR right, I do kno the answer... .But I also kno I won't... .and that I'm not understanding,  I've NEVER let a man control me, I've also never been in love , not as deeply as this.  Any thoughts on WHY I'm not enough? Or thoughts on HOW to be enough?  I just kno I'm not ready to say goodbye, yet.  Even if I should.  It's like I get to that point, he knows it and then we're back to being perfect .  It lasts no longer than 2 weeks.  Financially I'm a lil stuck too,  U kno the butterflies U feel at the beginning? These butterflies are still there... .It just takes a kiss and I melt.

Judging from what I have read here, it isn't you. You aren't enough because there isn't anyone or anything that is enough to fill the emptiness inside him (for a sustained period of time anyways).

My dBPDw used to text women and men (she had two affairs with women). She would act like I was being ridiculous for not wanting her to. She would say it was nothing. They were just talking. Or she would say she doesn't say anything inappropriate but they do. That may have been true but there was a reason they were texting things like, "I just wanna put my **** in your *****," and, "You're swinging by my street on the way home? Cool. Why don't you come and get in the bed with me?" There is also something called an emotional affair. Affairs do not have to be physical.

[LApak]

So... .Someone does get this?  WHAT did u do? I'm going nuts-  I've been confident always , Until him.  I keep finding reasons to justify this and make excuses... .I know this.  I don't kno why.  Did she have affairs with these "texting affairs"?  Or just need to kno she could? 

[Mr. Solo]

So... .Someone does get this?  WHAT did u do? I'm going nuts-  I've been confident always , Until him.  I keep finding reasons to justify this and make excuses... .I know this.  I don't kno why.  Did she have affairs with these "texting affairs"?  Or just need to kno she could? 

Well, what I did at the time probably wasn't beneficial for anyone but me. I contacted two of the guys from her phone and told them I was her husband and they better stop texting her. The other guy worked close to me so I went to him at work and told him to stop texting her. They all stopped but it didn't fix the problem. My wife should have been the one to tell them it was inappropriate. I figure she enjoyed the attention from the guys texting her and she also enjoyed the drama of me getting upset and getting forceful with them.

I was also confident until my wife flipped out. She broke me down and turned me into a paranoid, angry, hurt shell of myself.

[willtimeheal]

It's cheating. Mine used to text others all the time behind my back. It lead to meeting up with them and hooking up with them. There is no excuse for talking to others.

[LApak]

Im still looking for excuses aren't I?  I'm blaming his mental issues as the reason and Its just him huh?  Any thoughts on how to break it down to him that he's the only one who doesn't think this is okay?  He really and truely believes I i over react.   When were solid and he's haopy, he still does this... .And in all honesty, I kno I'm not ready to "run"

[Mr. Solo]

Im still looking for excuses aren't I?  I'm blaming his mental issues as the reason and Its just him huh?  Any thoughts on how to break it down to him that he's the only one who doesn't think this is okay?  He really and truely believes I i over react.   When were solid and he's haopy, he still does this... .And in all honesty, I kno I'm not ready to "run"

I have been where you are many times with different things. When my wife was texting people, there was no way to get her to admit it (or see?) what she was doing was inappropriate. I would say, "If this situation was reversed, you would be extremely upset with me." That is true. However, she would just say, "No, I wouldn't. I'm not doing anything wrong. You wouldn't be either." If I approached it differently, it didn't matter. Once I texted a mutual friend of ours who is the mother of a disabled child. Her child had been sick and we are pretty close with that entire family. All I did was ask the mother how the child was doing.  My wife found out and was furious! When I pointed out I texted the mother, instead of the father, because the father was at work, she didn't care. I should have waited. Well, she had been texting these guys, right? So, I told her, "I can't text a good friend of ours once for a good reason but you can text guys that are asking you to come get in bed with them?" Busted, right? Wrong. She just moved the goalposts. She said, "Oh. I guess you are right. Go ahead and text who you want." In these situations, it did not matter who agreed with me about her behavior. If they dared to agree with me she would write them off as a friend and then say they are stupid (like me) and shouldn't be taken seriously. She would latch on to friends who were on her level morally at the time so she always had someone who agreed with her as well. She would then hold them up as her mentor.

It is impossible to pin them down because they will move the goalposts or adjust their values and morals to suit what they want to do. Either they cannot or will not understand how it is wrong and hurtful. I am not sure how one deals with it. I feel for you because just hearing your story makes me feel a little bit of what I felt when we were going through that.

[willtimeheal]

My phone would beep and I would get the evil eye. She would ask who it was and i would tell her. She would get so pissed that friends were texting me. They were just friends... .mutual friends. I had nothing to hide. She hated the fact that I had friends.  She had none. My phone was always out in the open and turned on. If it beeped she knew and she could open it. Her phone was always hidden and put on silence. During Valentine's day last year I was giving her this beautiful necklace from tiffanys when her phone went off. It was an ex that she was still seeing behind my back. Her excuse... .It was a text not meant for her. These BPDs lie!

[LApak]

It's nt gonna stop is it?  Trust me, there's other problems but that seems to be a big, repeated fight we have.  It hurts- badly.  He's not on my phone plan anymore so I just won't know... .Cuz yes, I became a snoop, something I had NEVER done in my life.  Thought maybe if I cant see it, I'll get over it.  And can U believe I'm 46 ? Living like this- ? 

[Mr. Solo]

It's nt gonna stop is it?  Trust me, there's other problems but that seems to be a big, repeated fight we have.  It hurts- badly.  He's not on my phone plan anymore so I just won't know... .Cuz yes, I became a snoop, something I had NEVER done in my life.  Thought maybe if I cant see it, I'll get over it.  And can U believe I'm 46 ? Living like this- ? 

I do not know if it will stop. I understand why small issues that are repeated become big issues over time. I became a top notch snoop. I had her passwords. I had her phone fixed where I could find her on GPS. I checked her Facebook. I checked her E-mail accounts. I checked her phone every chance I got. I checked the mileage on the car after she went somewhere. I checked receipts. I checked phone records. I checked when she took showers. I checked her drawers. I did it all. I EVEN CHECKED HER TAMPONS TO MAKE SURE SHE WASNT LYING TO ME ABOUT BEING ON HER PERIOD. Never did any of this in my life until she flipped. I am 42.

[willtimeheal]

It's nt gonna stop is it?  Trust me, there's other problems but that seems to be a big, repeated fight we have.  It hurts- badly.  He's not on my phone plan anymore so I just won't know... .Cuz yes, I became a snoop, something I had NEVER done in my life.  Thought maybe if I cant see it, I'll get over it.  And can U believe I'm 46 ? Living like this- ? 

I do not know if it will stop. I understand why small issues that are repeated become big issues over time. I became a top notch snoop. I had her passwords. I had her phone fixed where I could find her on GPS. I checked her Facebook. I checked her E-mail accounts. I checked her phone every chance I got. I checked the mileage on the car after she went somewhere. I checked receipts. I checked phone records. I checked when she took showers. I checked her drawers. I did it all. I EVEN CHECKED HER TAMPONS TO MAKE SURE SHE WASNT LYING TO ME ABOUT BEING ON HER PERIOD. Never did any of this in my life until she flipped. I am 42.

I became a snoop too. Finally one day I was like what the hell am i doing?  It is no way to live. Relationships are built on trust and honesty.

[LApak]

Truthfully , knowing someone snooped like me, makes me feel better!  It bothers me that I've become that.  At one time, prior to this relationship, I judged any girl that went thru someone's phone, anything. ... .  And as far as thinking what the hell am I doing? Been there, almost left once-  and that was after he hit me and slept with his ex,  all it took was his voice.  Of course, he seemed so sincere tho-  i truely appreciate the stories.  More than I can explain.

[Targeted]

My ex gf snooped all the time,  she had my phone whenever we were together and I did not care.  I had nothing to hide,  but ask to see her phone and she would protect it with all she could. When I demanded to see it I found out why she was worried,  she was guilty, if your not worried about what your doing but your SO gives you reason,

Nope, it don't stop.

[willtimeheal]

She wanted to go to the city for a weekend. I took her and her kids. I thought we had a great time. Of course everything we did had to be what she wanted. When we got home we had a great night. We had sex and it was amazing. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. I went out to the living room and her iPad was there. I decided to check my mail. Her FB was open. I checked her messages... .the whole time we were in NY she was messaging her ex. Telling him she missed him and loved him. Funny thing was she told me the same thing.  I remember just shaking and trembling and not knowing what to do. I thought we were in love and planning a future together. When I confronted her about it she denied it and yelled at me for looking at her FB. Go figure... .I was in the wrong.