newunderstanding
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« on: November 09, 2014, 02:48:00 PM » |
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Hello,
I just signed up for this board. I hope to get more information about narcissistic relationships.
My mother suffered from NPD and my dad from OCPD. Living with them was pure hell. I disowned both parents a long time ago, and went through years of therapy. In the beginning it was hard, but later it got better as I stopped attracting abusive partners. I was in a long-term relationship with a OCPD guy, and it was as abusive. But later I got in relationship with an NPD guy… and the pain he put me through is indescribable. For the last few years, I was in fairly healthy relationships, no abuse… I guess I would just pick “very safe” partners with whom building a future wasn’t even possible…. Different interests, different paths. I focused more on my kids and my career.
Recently, however, I started attracting men who demonstrated commitment phobias and lying.
I decided to date a man I found on Eharmony. I took my time (or that’s what I thought) to get to know him. He “passed” my red flag test at first. His profession also spoke for itself: he’s a family physician, has his own practice and is very respected and loved in the community. He spoke of his ex-wife respectfully as well. He said that it was both his AND her fault when they decided to get a divorce. He was smooth, vulnerable… During the first few dates, he acted like a wounded puppy… I actually wanted to “protect” him.
As I became more vulnerable and started to open up to him, things started to change. We live about an hour and a half away from each other. He was always ready to come to my house, but as I appeared wanting a commitment from him, he started texting less, calling less and I started to become very insecure.
As it all began to unfold, the red flags got way too obvious… and I also started to question myself: “Is it me or is it him?” Well, here are more details:
• He spoke very highly of his past girlfriends, how beautiful, hot and wonderful they were and how he was hurt when they left him. (He only spoke highly of the one who left HIM).
• He spoke very negatively of the ones who were “available” right away. He mentioned a couple who wanted “commitment’” or marriage very soon, and he thought it was too soon.
• I noticed that he was still active on 2 dating sites.
• He told me he “erased” his profile from 1 dating site, and when I checked, he was signing in every day.
• When I mentioned to him that I felt uncomfortable with him telling me “hot” details about his past relationships, and him being active on 2 dating sites, he was really “nice” and talked to me about it, apologized…
• I then decided to “wink” at him on one dating site as an incognito person, and he winked back. I confronted him about it. He got very angry at first, but then came up with more lies: “I just did it for fun”, “I don’t know why I did it, just a habit”.
• I started “pursuing” him in a way. He wouldn’t call for a couple of days, do I’d call or text. He stopped planning things with me, so I’d ask him if we’re doing anything on the weekend.
• We only saw each other 2 Saturdays a month! He was super, super busy all the time.
• He’d call or text me at 12 am or 1 am, and the excuse was always “work”
• Although we saw each other only 2 days in a month, he’d never plan anything… it was always “maybe we’ll see each other next weekend”, but every other weekend he had his 2 young kids and 2 other weekends, he’s always on call for his medical practice.
• When I complained about it, he basically said: “take it or leave it, this is how my life is”.
• He has been trying to find a girlfriend for over 8 years now, through 3 dating sites in addition to personal dating coach/service. He talked about his interests in several women, and how he tried to “chase” them, or to implant interest in them. But his stories are also full of contradictions… when he got the girl, his interest would wane.
I became insecure and emotionally and spiritually weak. I was taking “crumbs” but was too guilty as well… He was never aggressive or angry, was always “sweet” with me and apologetic. He definitely didn’t behave like a classical narcissist, more like a commitmentphobic.
I came across a website on “Male Borderline”, and was blown away by how accurate it described my boyfriend. I didn’t realize that borderline males can be passive-aggressive vs. showing anger. Their idealization and devaluation phase can actualize very fast, in other words, the minute a woman commits to him, he looks for a way out. Narcissistic borderlines can only “feel” emotions or “love” for women who left them, not in the relationship. They’re only interested in the “chase”.
I was also surprised about his relationship with his mom…. Usually, narcissists don’t have a good relationship with mom, but apparently borderlines do… they’re in denial, I suppose. My boyfriend’s mom was living with him (apartment attached to his house) and he is building a house for her next to his. I met his mom, very sweet… she told me: “He is so wonderful, he hasn’t dated in a long time! I hope you come back!”
The reason I’m here is because after I got angry and finally told my boyfriend: “I don’t understand what you’re doing, I thought we were in an exclusive relationship and you’re still active on all these dating sites! Do you want to date me or just want to be friends?” , he basically told me: “I told you in so many subtle ways to take it slow and that I will eventually get off the dating sites… so, it looks like I can’t satisfy your needs… let’s just be friends!” So, I ended up feeling guilty for “pressuring” him and for suspecting he’s still looking for other relationships… and that I was the one who refused to take things slowly… He also accused me of making mountains out of molehills and said: “you’re focusing on this too much” (On him being active on dating sites).
I was so in love and the relationship just started to develop… I was very hurt when he texted me about just being friends, no personal contact, no apology, no expression of any feelings, no empathy…
The only long-term relationship that this man was in was with his wife. They were married and then she ran away with another man. At that point they had one child. Then, he wanted her to come back. He got her pregnant, she stayed and then ran away with another men… and that’s when they got a final divorce. He told me that her sister was diagnosed with BPD, and his wife might have been too. Then, he added that he believed that everything that was wrong in the relationship was her fault and that he didn’t want to admit it to me in the beginning because he wanted to appear as a good guy with fair judgment.
I feel like a rug was pulled out from under me… feeling guilty, unworthy of love and unseen/unheard… the same way I felt around my parents and with another narcissistic partner. I forgot how it feels to be treated this way… after I was dated healthy men…
Now I'm in a lot of pain, don't understand what happened and how it ended so abruptly... .
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