Lost the War... Losing My Child

[Survived?]

Hello to all, 

I haven't really posted much or often... .most everything in my situation has been pretty well covered in every area of these boards.  I am one year out from separation, lost custody, legal system and lawyers indifferent.  I do have visitation although every other weekend when D13 comes is just a nightmare that getting worse as times goes by. Watching beautiful and innocent child simply being destroyed and alienated from.  Of course everything BPD does is so insidious.   

Most days I guess I am slowly healing.  Some days it’s still simply hell. 

I guess I need to post 50 times to get to the taking personal inventory. 

[miller48]

I'm so sorry.   Try and stay strong.   Send her notes.   

[mywifecrazy]

Don't give up survived. I don't know if you have any legal recourse to seek more custody as I'm not educated in your story.

Make the most of your time with her. Let her know in words and more importantly your actions just how much you love her. And stay involved in her life 100% when she's not in your custody. Go to all her activities she's involved with at school, sports, etc. call her as often as you can. Send her notes and cards. Don't engage in negative talk about her other parent just make your time about you and her. She will see the light, kids will eventually learn the truth. DONT EVER GIVE UP OR GIVE IN!

MWC... .

[enlighten me]

Hi miller

im sorry to hear your story. I had the same and my exw moved my sons three hours away.

I agree with MWC that you need to stay involved and not to be negative about your ex in front of your daughter. By showing your daugter stability it will highlight her mums behaviour.

In the UK  a child over ten can decide where they want to live. My sons want to now live with me but due to my job (I work overseas a lot) that is not possible.

By providing stability your daughter may decide she wants to be with you. Dont buy her affection though as that may only encourage her to start a bidding war which isnt a healthy thing to have happen.

It might seem like the end of the world but dont give up hope. Your daughter will see the difference in your and her mums behaviour and will decide which she prefers.

[ForeverDad]

Richard Warshak wrote Divorce Poison and it focuses on the impact to the children and ways to counteract the pressure, manipulation and alienation.  His website also has additional information including a specialized retreat/program, Family Bridges, and a DVD, Welcome Back, Pluto.

[david]

I found a therapist that helped clear my head. That helped a lot.

Something that worked well for me. I don't know if it would help but it really helped me negate ex's alienation.

Our youngest (two boys 8.5 and 4.5 at the time) used to say that I was mean, evil, blah blah blah.  This went on for months and I had no idea what to do. I would either ignore it or try to ask them what they meant. I would not get any reasonable answer because ex was putting it in their heads. One day our youngest said something to the effect that I was a mean evil monster. I stood up and put my arms out. I acted like Frankenstein and started walking towards him acting like a monster. He immediately changed his behavior and a smile appeared. I then chased him around the house. From that point on he asked for me to be the evil monster and chase him. He never said it in anger again. He was only 5 at the time but it worked.

Both boys used to complain that I was mean and always punished them. One day I went to a gas and go to get gas. They stayed in the car when I paid for the gas. I bought them an Icee and walked back to the car. Neither seen it. I opened my car door and said in an angry voice, " I bought this Icee for you and you better enjoy it or I will punish you like you have never been punished before." They were both startled because I don't yell at them or use such a mean voice. It took a second but they both started smiling. From that moment forward they whenever we were driving somewhere and they seen a place that sold Icee's they would ask me to punish them. It became a joke between us.

The vitriol ex was putting in their heads became diffused by my actions. Gradually they figured it out and the negative comments stopped. It took about two years of things like that before I was able to completely diffuse it. It has been seven years since that time and my relationship with the two boys is better then it has ever been. Ex still does the same stuff because they sometimes tell me what she is saying. It no longer has the effect it used to have.

[Panda39]

My SO was put through a parental alienation campaign too.  His kids were told all kinds of stuff and convinced that he was abusive when in fact he never had been and they had never witnessed any abuse.  UBPDmom did such a good job that they for a short period believed that he was.  In my SO's case the first 2 years of separation were awful.  His daughters spied on him, looked through his things, read his text messages and even reported what was in the fridge to their mother.  There were times the kids refused to see him during his visitation. 

When the divorce was complete my SO ended up with the majority of custody and mom saw them 3 weekends a month.  It took awhile but his daughters began to see the truth... .who ran the healthy household and who didn't.  They started to see that dad was still dad and not the evil person their mother made him out to be.  Both girls were in therapy during all of this and I hope your daughter is to.  I think it was very important for them to have someone outside the conflict to talk with and work things out with.

It's now been 4 years since they separated and 2 since the divorce and both girls realize that something isn't quite right with mom.  Hard not to when she's been evicted 3 times, couch surfed twice, and has lived in 3 different hotels, currently has some type of civil suit against her and 2 criminal charges.  With their parents separated dad is no longer there to manage mom's behaviors so she has just spiraled to her logical conclusion and he has bounced back to his natural baseline.

Because they separated the girls can see who is who.  Your daughter will figure it out too.  Is she seeing a therapist?  I think that would be really helpful for her to negotiate not only the parental alienation but all the other things that come along with being a child of someone with BPD.

All I can say is don't give up just be yourself and your daughter will come around and I love david's approach of making it a silly game... .eliminating the ex's power by making it a joke. 

Have a nice Christmas Holiday with your daughter and create your own traditions together     

[livednlearned]

You may need to talk to a reunification therapist to really understand what you're up against. It's also possible that your D is developing BPD traits from being with her mom, and that can make it difficult to apply some of the techniques in Divorce Poison or Coparenting with a Toxic Ex. And if the BPD mom is suicidal, that also creates a type of enmeshment that can be very difficult for kids, compounding the alienation. 

It's tough, too, when everyone tells you something different, or tells you things you've tried and don't work.

Another tough aspect is your own strength and resilience. If you suffer from severe depression, anxiety, or PTSD, and if your ex has majority custody, it is more difficult to try and nip the alienation.

You may be able to contact a reunification therapist online and consult to find out what's best for your situation.

Don't give up, though. Try to avoid catastrophizing -- it doesn't solve anything and only makes you feel worse.

[sanemom]

DH watched "Welcome Back Pluto" with his kids as a hail Mary pass against the alienation.  Alienated DSD17 chose to live with her mom and spend minimal time with DH.  I do think the DVD has at least planted seeds... .didn't talk with her about it bc didn't want to pressure her, but time will tell... .