New - Was in Denial

[BobHarley1968]

Well, 8 years of marriage and denial have come to a head. It's firm in my belief that she has borderline PD. I always rationalized that the "mood swings" were part of her Asian culture, but not so anymore. Denial made me just try to keep things status quo and avoid conflict. 8 years and 3 kids later, it's tumultuous and on the verge of all imploding, exploding, and has me even doubting my own sanity. All the BPD literature describe her to a tee. Unbelievable. Looking back, she had a "mood swing" on our wedding night come to think of it. Well, I almost left this past weekend, but cancelled my flight as I need to be the stable one for my kids (12, 6, 3), but don't know where this leaves me. I have great outside support with a 12-step self help recovery group (almost 15 years clean/sober), so I have refuge that has been extremely supportive and helpful in grounding me. Recently retired US Army also and living overseas in her country, and her behavior is even abnormal for this cultural which was the real eye opener. Parents and siblings live in fear and are nothing but enablers. I've recently taught the kids the following saying: "mama's angry and it's not my fault," and repeat it often to myself. Just learning to survive for what I am no longer in denial about. I guess the real work starts now... .Thanks for letting me share  Bob

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

 

I suggest you read as much as you can. It's amazing the amount of times I have read through a thread and it described my loved ones behavior perfectly and it wasn't my loved one.

This place can really bring some much needed peace to your life, You will find a lot of support here.

[BobHarley1968]

thanks

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, BobHarley1968, and I'd like to join Cloudy Days in welcoming you to this site. I'm really sorry for all the trauma and troubles that have brought you here, but you can take comfort in the fact that you are exactly in the right place for support, advice and insights... .

Have you had the chance to check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page? Every single one of them are invaluable to learning how your wife's mind works, and learning the communication tools & techniques that can help make things at least a little bit better in your relationship. Also, at the top of the first page of this Board (above the sticky threads, and member threads) are 4 photos, with links to Feature Articles under each photo.

I highly recommend that you check them out, also... .This link will be eye-opening and helpful to you for sure: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I can tell you that as hopeless as things might seem now, there really is hope that life doesn't have to stay as troublesome as it is, and things really can get better, BobHarley1968 

[Olinda]

 

It is helpful to see your own story reflected back and realize you are not alone and you are not crazy.

[Pou]

Well, 8 years of marriage and denial have come to a head. It's firm in my belief that she has borderline PD. I always rationalized that the "mood swings" were part of her Asian culture, but not so anymore. Denial made me just try to keep things status quo and avoid conflict. 8 years and 3 kids later, it's tumultuous and on the verge of all imploding, exploding, and has me even doubting my own sanity. All the BPD literature describe her to a tee. Unbelievable. Looking back, she had a "mood swing" on our wedding night come to think of it. Well, I almost left this past weekend, but cancelled my flight as I need to be the stable one for my kids (12, 6, 3), but don't know where this leaves me. I have great outside support with a 12-step self help recovery group (almost 15 years clean/sober), so I have refuge that has been extremely supportive and helpful in grounding me. Recently retired US Army also and living overseas in her country, and her behavior is even abnormal for this cultural which was the real eye opener. Parents and siblings live in fear and are nothing but enablers. I've recently taught the kids the following saying: "mama's angry and it's not my fault," and repeat it often to myself. Just learning to survive for what I am no longer in denial about. I guess the real work starts now... .Thanks for letting me share  Bob

Bob, I was in denial for many years… i have been with my NPDw for 16 years and 12 married years.  I have 3 kids like you and it is very very very hard.  I shared my experience on this board and if you search my posts, you will see the "hell" that I went through and going through… but all taken in strides, because I count my blessings… i have my health, I have 3 beautiful and healthy kids, and I will keep going forward and deal with her bad behaviors and devaluing languages and projections and gas lighting and etc… with knowledge that i have learned about PDs… keep things in perspective helps me a lot in managing my emotions.  So knowledge is power, when you can predict her strange, unpredictable and boundary breaking actions, you start to feel like you are in control.  But of course, with PDs you are in a prison, but at least that you know what to expect with knowledge.  The worst thing for me was not knowing what to expect and even when I read about it, I refuse to believe those bad things would happen to me.  In my mind, I could fix this… i was wrong, i couldn't fix it and everything got worse and it is the same old same old stuff… character flaw is much harder to fix then a mental illness.  there are no pills out there for this type of stuff…. stay real, stay cool and many of us have gone through denial and be glad that you are here.  I spent more than 10 years living in a fog not knowing what i was and am dealing with… good luck.