My dBPDw actually asked me to let her move back in...

[Mr. Solo]

... .but she wants to share a bed room with my D14 instead of sharing a room with me. She also doesn't want us to work on our relationship very much yet because she says she cant handle it so she wants "boundaries" in place. She also wants the ability to come and go as she pleases unless it is her time to "babysit" the kids. Yes, she wants us to have a schedule with the kids just as if we were still separated and living apart.

I said no way.

She has also mentioned she wants us to "run away" with the kids and move far enough away that none of her friends can reach her. In fact, she says she doesn't want any friends. We had to run away to get married because my family didn't want me marrying her.

I said no way.

She comes up with many scenarios but they all seem include her not having to be accountable to anyone for her actions the last four years. I say no way because, for one reason, I am not going to end up in another part of the country with her and she flip out. At least here she has some checks and balances (people know her) but somewhere else she would just do what she wanted and I am sure she thinks I would let her do what she wants.

She wants the easy way out as always.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife once said something similar. She said that she wished she could leave everything behind and start again with someone new somewhere like london. After we split she got together with a guy she met online from london and eventually moved there with the kids.

My take is that she wants her cake and eat it. She wants the security which you provide but her freedom to do what she wants. Be very careful. Mine recycled me for these reasons before she had landed her new guy anfd dumped me.

[Indyan]

Yes, she wants us to have a schedule with the kids just as if we were still separated and living apart.

Same here.

Except that he's taking his new appartment this morning (that his dad found for him... .).

But, while saying "a separation is never easy", he plans on "spending as much time together as possible", that "we'll go to his place, he'll come to ours etc... ."

Needless to say he NEVER asks for my opinion on anything.

I forgot to mention that he invited himself to spend 5 days at our my house, after 2 months of nearly silence from him (!)

They just try to get what they want - our love, a family life, presence, reassurance-  while giving as little as possible back: no support, no guarantees of any kind.

It's very selfish.  

[Mr. Solo]

Yes, she wants us to have a schedule with the kids just as if we were still separated and living apart.

Same here.

Except that he's taking his new appartment this morning (that his dad found for him... .).

But, while saying "a separation is never easy", he plans on "spending as much time together as possible", that "we'll go to his place, he'll come to ours etc... ."

Needless to say he NEVER asks for my opinion on anything.

I forgot to mention that he invited himself to spend 5 days at our my house, after 2 months of nearly silence from him (!)

They just try to get what they want - our love, a family life, presence, reassurance-  while giving as little as possible back: no support, no guarantees of any kind.

It's very selfish.  

When my wife was thinking about moving from where she is and getting her own apartment, she said the same things to me. "Oh. You can come over and we can cook supper together. We can hang out with the kids together. You can even stay the night sometimes (on the couch)." But, at the same time, she is telling me I am such a bad person she never wants to be with me again. We can do everything together like a family but we aren't going to really be one. LOL. Makes no sense.

[Indyan]

But, at the same time, she is telling me I am such a bad person she never wants to be with me again. We can do everything together like a family but we aren't going to really be one. LOL. Makes no sense.

Yes, exactly.

I have enough of this crap 

Where is your wife staying at the moment?

[Mr. Solo]

Where is your wife staying at the moment?

When she left, she went to live on the property of a friend and that friend's family. They have a large plot of property with five houses and two apartments. I call it The Compound. She spent several months buttering them up for her possible leave so they welcomed her as if she was some abused house wife under the dictatorship of a bully (me). The things is, these people have a history of "helping" people by getting them to move on their property and then taking advantage of them once they are stuck there and cannot leave. So, she left and went there. Now she is stuck doing them favors all the time. She also ran her mouth when she got there telling her friend, who has four kids and a live-in, dead beat boyfriend, she was excited to be there to help her with her family. Mistake! Now she is expected to babysit on a whim, change diapers, cook, clean, take their kids to school, pick them up from school, etc. Specifically, her friend, is now dependent on my wife and gives my wife all sorts of grief if my wife dares go somewhere. This friend actually acts exactly like my wife accused me of acting. The friend is very possessive and paranoid. I personally think she has something for my wife. Anyways, so my wife went from what she called a bad situation with me to a realistically bad situation with that family.

I cannot go on this property because the day after she left, I went over there to talk to her and see our kids (she left with them), and they asked me to leave. I was dumb and stayed saying I wanted to speak with my wife and our kids despite them telling me I needed to leave. They called the cops, which was fine with me, but in between calling the cops and the cops arriving, my wife's friend's boyfriend and his father sucker punched me in the face and dragged me around the yard telling me what a bully I was and crap like that. Obviously my wife had set me up with her distorted view of things. Because I didn't leave when they asked, I was issued a trespassing notice. Nothing happened to the two guys because everyone there, including my wife, lied and said I initiated the physical altercation. I was sitting in a chair on their carport and didn't move a muscle until they hit me and started dragging me around. In addition, these people have no respect for my wife and, because they literally live within 20 feet from her apartment's front door, they walk up in her house all the time without notice. Their kids also walk up in her house and tell her, "This is our apartment so we can do what we want!" They even climb in my wife's windows when she isn't home to take stuff. Those kids do not get along with our kids so that makes it even worse for my wife because they are always fighting and our kids do not want to be there so they always tell my wife they want to come to my house... In other words, my wife is in HELL! A Hell she is responsible for.  I feel bad for her but, I am sorry, she drummed it all up so she has to deal with it. In addition, these people have started to see I was actually telling the truth. My wife flips on them all the time and they see behaviors from her now they couldn't see when she was still with me. In fact, most of my wife's friends now tell her she needs to work things out with me because they see more of what I was talking about and what I put up with.

Long answer. Sorry. Started ranting.

[Indyan]

Wow.

It seems that your BPDw is in a worse situation that my BPD... .

Although, there are some common points. He was severely abused as a kid by his mother and for a reason unknown to me (honestly) he "escaped" from ME to go to his parents' house  

I know he had a HUGE fight last summer with his mother, threw things around in the kitchen, injured his hand... .and I doubt it was the only fight.

He chose a negative, BPD-enabling family over our loving home. I really don't get that, there must be something masochist in that attitude.

The problem with your wife's situation is not only for her obviously but for the kids. You must be so worried!

[Mr. Solo]

Wow.

It seems that your BPDw is in a worse situation that my BPD... .

Although, there are some common points. He was severely abused as a kid by his mother and for a reason unknown to me (honestly) he "escaped" from ME to go to his parents' house  

I know he had a HUGE fight last summer with his mother, threw things around in the kitchen, injured his hand... .and I doubt it was the only fight.

He chose a negative, BPD-enabling family over our loving home. I really don't get that, there must be something masochist in that attitude.

The problem with your wife's situation is not only for her obviously but for the kids. You must be so worried!

I am worried but at least the kids are with me 75% of the time. She cannot handle them most of the time. They are angry at her for leaving me and lying to them about why (when I was totally honest with them). She has also started BPDing on our D14 and S12 and they are starting to talk back to her when she starts her nonsense. My son has Aspergers like me so he constantly picks what she is saying apart with logic. She feels like our kids think she is stupid (honestly, I think our oldest two do think she is stupid sometimes when she starts up). She has become overbearing with our D14. She gets jealous my daughter has close friends and boyfriends. In other words, her BPD is starting to show with them directly. Her BPD influenced them as they were growing up but they had no idea what it meant because they weren't old enough. Now, they see it. They experience it on another level. Essentially, she is very selfish when she is with them as well and they are starting to call her out themselves. I hate to think what it will be like in a few years when our kids are D16, S14, and S12.