BPDex obstructing discipline re internet use

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my kid attempted to access porn in 2013, wife objected to any action on my part.  I for one would manage it delicately, not in an aggressive way... .  So I separated from her within weeks.

During sep she gives him a computer and tv in his room, and a smartphone with unlimited internet capability.  I state that is an issue.  Recently she complains that he is consuming huge amounts of data on the phone, I come across evidences at my home that concern me as well. I share with her.  She replies that she can get a deal to increase the GB per month from the phone company, that will solve it. At this point he is twentieth percentile at school, yet of average intelligence, and cannot stay awake during the day.

During sep I have commented in various roundabout ways to him about networks, court subpeonas, etc to discourage.

Yesterday I came across pornographic pencil drawings in his room, showed her, she denies they are!  These are very clear, she thinks it's a bored kid doodling!  She "explained" to me that she has spoken to him about bad stuff on the internet, and trusts him, that I need to have trust in my son.  Hmm, I trust that he is viewing porn. I also trust that I will continue loving him and can get thru this, that is all the "trust," I have right now.

Why would a BPDw with a fundamentalist (cult) church background deny and support porn?  I have my ideas, just wanted to throw this out there; thinking it is to save face at church, or because she has demonstrated the inability to solve any adult problems in life, he is 12, but really, mentally she is too.

As of today I am consulting with the attorney on a strategy.

[Unleashed]

So my kid attempted to access porn in 2013, wife objected to any action on my part.  I for one would manage it delicately, not in an aggressive way... .  So I separated from her within weeks.

During sep she gives him a computer and tv in his room, and a smartphone with unlimited internet capability.  I state that is an issue.  Recently she complains that he is consuming huge amounts of data on the phone, I come across evidences at my home that concern me as well. I share with her.  She replies that she can get a deal to increase the GB per month from the phone company, that will solve it. At this point he is twentieth percentile at school, yet of average intelligence, and cannot stay awake during the day.

During sep I have commented in various roundabout ways to him about networks, court subpeonas, etc to discourage.

Yesterday I came across pornographic pencil drawings in his room, showed her, she denies they are!  These are very clear, she thinks it's a bored kid doodling!  She "explained" to me that she has spoken to him about bad stuff on the internet, and trusts him, that I need to have trust in my son.  Hmm, I trust that he is viewing porn. I also trust that I will continue loving him and can get thru this, that is all the "trust," I have right now.

Why would a BPDw with a fundamentalist (cult) church background deny and support porn?  I have my ideas, just wanted to throw this out there; thinking it is to save face at church, or because she has demonstrated the inability to solve any adult problems in life, he is 12, but really, mentally she is too.

As of today I am consulting with the attorney on a strategy.

[Swiggle]

It is so tough when the other parent can't be on the same page with thing that seems like a no brainer. My first quesiton would be what is your parenting schedule like? Does your son see a therapist, that might be helpful for him.

Swiggle

[Unleashed]

I spoke to his counselor today.  I now feel that the BPDw has been aware, and trying to shut off this habit before I find out.  The information gathering was not too clear, but that is what I conclude, this counselor is likely realizing that BPDw is violating a custody order by not telling me, and is being vague to keep the matter from ending up in court. 

I can see it now: Judge: "Mam is this drawing in Exhibit A from your son that of a "p**is?"  BPDw: "it's just a drawing, I can't tell if it's anything, I don't know."

For the record I am a moderate, progressive fellow, not like there is any rage to hide problems from me... .  I think in cases where the father is a raging idealist, then mommy hiding the issue might make sense, nope, not me, I am the cult-breaker in the family.

My custody is complicated, but call it 35% of the time I get them.  We as a society don't really have a grasp on what internet porn does to developing minds, i.e. shorten attention span, lead to crimes, not attaching effort into results, make relationships too "boring." I think we understand that it is a bad thing, similar to adults effect, but being this is a kid, it might be worse.   When I was a child you were lucky (unlucky) if a friend had a crusty VHS tape to view that was barely color. 

[Swiggle]

I agree, I don't think anyone really knows the lasting affects of these types of things on kids. Porn is a terrbile thing and once they see it they can't un-see it.

I would suggest you document everything, keep engaging his T and keep the lines of communication open with your son. Unless your papers say he can't do xyz at mom's then her house her rules unfortunately. So the smartphone and computer in his room isn't something you can control and no matter what you say to mom to try and get her to understand, it probably won't make a differnece. It is so frustrating, sorry you and your are going through this.

[livednlearned]

There is research on how porn can affect developing brains: www.timesfreepress.com/news/2013/apr/28/pornography-rewires-boys-brains-research/

Unleashed, my guess is that performing in the 20th percentile is what a judge would care about most. Other than two parents being on the same page about Internet use, there is no real way to enforce a no porn rule in someone else's home. But you could make the argument that under the current custody order, your son is not getting the structure he needs.

The downside is having to go to court, both in terms of $$ and time, without knowing whether the outcome will work in your favor.

[david]

Our S11 is diagnosed with Eczema. I researched the heck out of it and learned a lot. Ex is an RN which makes this extra difficult because I can't tell her anything about medical subjects because I did not go to medical school and she went to nursing school.

I decided a few years back to try to discuss it with her. It went as I expected (the paragraph above). I then emailed her articles and research papers from the National Institute of Health, American Pediatrics Association, etc. They all had plenty of useful info. Ex ignored. I put a water softener and a declorinator in my house. Within weeks S11's skin showed significant improvement. I emailed ex letting her know what I did. She said I was practicing vodoo.

I can't do anything in court since I don't have a medical professional saying what she is doing is not correct. She is following accepted protocols too.

This summer the filter for my declorinator needed to be replaced and I forgot. In six weeks S11's skin broke out all over. When I realized what happened I put a new filter in and within weeks his skin cleared up.

We currently have a co parent counselor and a court date set for custody modifications. I have enough evidence to present that a reasonable person can make a conclusion. I believe the counselor will help a lot based on our first meeting and how I will be presenting my thoughts.

I know this doesn't fix the problem immediately. However, when I am faced with a difficult situation with ex and I believe I have the best interest of either boy in mind I do not give up. S11 has noticed the difference too so this may be helpful.

[Unleashed]

Yes, I think we (and BPDw) probably agree that porn is not good stuff, the thing is her denial of content.  Any adult looking at those drawings is aware of what is drawn.  Some sort of gaslighting effort I guess.  This BPDw has attempted to label my mental health quite vigorously.  I can stop the activity here at the house, which helps.  I guess she is playing favorites too, giving him a top range smartphone, computer in his room, etc?  How shallow.

my guess is that performing in the 20th percentile is what a judge would care about most.

  I am trying to fairly assess this, and in my family there are three men (including me) who did poorly in college, yet were able to demonstrate intelligence in their careers beyond their college performance. One of them is quite a visionary, yet he barely scraped by failing classes.  My son is amongst that lineage, something in our personalities does not engage formal academics.  One challenge is getting my son to mingle with smart kids.  Hmm, he has about three friends, one bright, two that are a hare below average but ok.  If he stays 20 percentile too long this is going to start looking like The Simpsons. 

Ex is an RN which makes this extra difficult because I can't tell her anything about medical subjects because I did not go to medical school and she went to nursing school.

I hear you, sad.

Thanks,

[david]

"BPDw has attempted to label my mental health quite vigorously". I believe that is projection on her part. My ex does that a lot. I only communicate through email with her and when she gets triggered by something she will often send me an email. The email has nothing to do with me so I never reply. However, I have learned to anticipate things from her by her emails.

[mywifecrazy]

Porn is as addictive and damaging as cocaine addiction... .Fact!

Unleashed you're a good Dad for taking this serious because it is. Take it from someone who had a porn addiction for 15+ years and I started looking at porn like all young men in my formidable teen years. Please check out Covenant Eyes Filtering software. You can have it installed on pc's smart phones tablets etc. it only cost $10/month to use it for monitoring. The blocking version is more. In monitoring you will receive an email whenever he tries to access anything on his phone or computers that is above the rating you set (Mature, Highly mature, etc.). I use this for my 14yr old sons smartphone and it's a life saver (literally).

Good luck to you. Keep being a good Dad... .Your son needs you!

MWC... .