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Author Topic: What is the right thing to do?  (Read 386 times)
Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: November 11, 2014, 11:40:06 AM »

My exBPDGF continuously emails still, I think there is a chance that I did mean something to her and that may be enough to eventually someday get her to want to get help. I still choose to stay separated from her and only communicate by email when she initiates contact,  I never tried to initiate contact with her, as I told everyone before the emails are generally accusatory  saying I have Fidelity issues and it is because my grandfather cheated on my grandmother so that's what I learned and so on, I know that I do not have fidelity issues so this does not bother me, I did try explaining to her quite some time ago that her breaking up with me on a Thursday and being in a hotel room with another man on Saturday and wanting me back on Monday is a Fidelity issue but that falls on deaf ears, her excuse is we were broken up therefore that was not cheating.  

She is constantly asking me how was the bar last night?  How was it getting drunk at the bar last night around bar ___s?  The factors I really do not go to bars so how do you respond to that? Or do you at all? She also emailed today saying-- let me know if you get help and get sober... .if you have not been with anyone... .or spending time with anyone. I would consider that sooner than later as I am getting laid off soon and will not stand for being alone.  I am not saying that I am an angel and never have a couple of beers at the house but I do not hang out bars and get drunk, how do you respond to this nonsense?  The Mixed messages?

Is there any working approach to be able to communicate to somebody like this that I do not want to re-enter a relationship with this kind of verbal abuse as well as the fact I do not accept her choices in male friends and her interactions with them in a relationship that I want to be in.  I would like to see her get help for herself someday and if it is true that she has a attachment to me I only want to help, Night further aggravate things. IM a little confused here because if I am right? Telling her I am not doing any of these things is only going to invalidate her in her mind and she will only hear me telling her she is wrong.  

Because we are separated and I do not want to see her unless there is a therapist involved I think me even trying to validate and tell her we could talk about it with the therapist if she chose to go to one is probably going to create the same reaction from her, so any good tips on how to convey to her that I cannot have a relationship while she remains friends with men that she has threatened this relationship with and have her actually hear it would be helpful. Picking somebody's friends may sound a little controlling but I do not feel that it is okay for her to remain friends with somebody that she told me she was going to "F" his brains out.  Things like that.  I don't even think she knows how verbally and emotionally abusive she is, is there any good way to letter know that too?
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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2014, 05:27:13 PM »

Hello, Caresaboutsomeonelikethis, and I'm really sorry for all the confusion and stress you are going through with your Ex... .

So, you've been separated for awhile? And you are interested in being back in a relationship with her if she would be willing to enter Treatment for BPD? Has she ever been diagnosed? Does she have any cognizance of her troubles and the likely reason for them? Does she even want help?

We have an Article that might help you figure out how to deal with this situation: Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy, and there is a lot of good information at this link, too: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know if you've had the chance to check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page, but I think they will help you, too... .

Your situation is really complicated, and I do admire the fact that you would like to be there for your Ex, and help her if you can. There are things you can learn about how her mind works, and things you can do to learn how to communicate with her in ways that could make your relationship with her easier to navigate. But, if she doesn't want help and doesn't want to improve her life-style or the way she deals with people, it may be tricky getting her to let you help her... .Let us know if you have any thoughts about the information I linked to, CASLT; we love to answer questions around here 

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Burninghalo

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« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2014, 05:59:28 PM »

I think the above post covers most of what I was going to say. In regards to her accusing you of things that aren't true, this may stem from a) projection - meaning SHE is out at bars getting drunk and feels bad for it, or b) deep insecurities - you don't love her, so you must love someone else, or be getting sex somewhere else, so x scenario must be happening which would lead to that. Try not to get stuck on the words, but work to find out the emotion behind it. Ask open questions 'can you help me to understand why you feel I'm always at the bar?' or 'I'm hearing that you feel I have a drinking problem - can you share with me why you feel this way?'

She will likely feel shame about cheating even though she defends it as not cheating, so try to keep that in the back of your mind. Accusing her or defending your own actions by bringing up her actions won't get you anywhere (this is a time where being effective is more important than being right).

Try to remember that someone with BPD will feel emotions and create 'facts' to fit the emotion, so steer clear of what they say and try to understand why they're really feeling insecure etc.
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Targeted
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« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2014, 06:33:09 PM »

Rapt reader,

I have read all of that many times over and think there is no way to get through to her,

She just continues to project, accuse and blame while taunting me with what she is doing,

she does not think she has a problem at all, that's part of the problem. I feel I should offer her a parting offer to help when and if she wants to be serious, and say goodbye and stop communicating but for some reason I cant.
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Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2014, 06:36:27 PM »

Thank you as well halo,

It's hard to think that she feels ashamed of cheating while defending but you may be right,

At least it's a better prospective for me to look at it from.
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Burninghalo

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« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2014, 07:10:26 PM »

I feel I should offer her a parting offer to help when and if she wants to be serious, and say goodbye and stop communicating but for some reason I cant.

It's easier said than done but that is probably the best angle. It's hard, because we feel such a strong bond to these loved ones, and it can be scary to think you may lose them.

Be compassionate, let her know you'll help and support any way that you can, but state your own boundaries and stick to them. I can tell you care about her and want things to be different, but you can't force change in her, she needs to want that herself... Hopefully she realises that and then knows you'll be there to support her when that happens which will be a huge help.

On the matter of shame... It can be hard to believe. Of course showing that they're ashamed is admitting they're broken and worthless (at least in their mind) so we often see a front which is not a reflection of reality. Bon Dobbs' When Hope Is Not Enough talks a bit about shame, and other areas - if you haven't read it I highly recommend it.
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Targeted
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2014, 08:09:33 PM »

That's what I need to do now and hope for the best, by stating my boundaries I hope you mean me explaining to her that I will not put up with her having her Male interactions that bother me and I hope I can word that gently because it is the most hurtful thing to me in this relationship, I can deal with Learning to trust, Learning how to deal with anxiety, Learning good methods of communication with her, but not while I am being disrespected,    thank you so much.
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Burninghalo

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« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2014, 09:44:42 PM »

That's what I need to do now and hope for the best, by stating my boundaries I hope you mean me explaining to her that I will not put up with her having her Male interactions that bother me and I hope I can word that gently because it is the most hurtful thing to me in this relationship, I can deal with Learning to trust, Learning how to deal with anxiety, Learning good methods of communication with her, but not while I am being disrespected,    thank you so much.

The wording is important. Don't accuse, don't belittle, don't give ultimatums, don't blame or shame - boundaries are about you, about how you feel when something happens, about what you will and won't tolerate.

Basically exactly what you've said - you want to work on the relationship, you can work on trust and forgiveness however you can't so that while x or y are happening. Whether she changes what she is doing is entirely on her, the power is yours so be decisive, be assertive but be compassionate and share your feelings. Bpds are very in tune of emotions so if you use a lot of 'feeling'  words they are likely to respond or understand better. The alternative is letting it continue the same way (which will destroy you and mean you're not in a position  to support her), or giving ultimatums/blaming which will anger her and almost certainly see you painted black and pushed away. It's not the time to be right, to blame anyone, it's about being open and honest and assertive in what you want, the rest is up to her.
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Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2014, 08:57:43 AM »

I think I could have worded in a few things differently in hindsight here maybe should have even left some things out but I hope I got my point across,I never claimed to be perfect or know everything so I'm sure I made mistakes but I'm trying, please feel free to comment where I was wrong or right in my wording on what Wrote to her, I don't mind finding out where I am wrong in my communication skills here and fixing them so I may be more effective in the future, here is what I sent to her and the counselling I speak of in the beginning is me going to my own personal counsellor myself.

Counselling was good tonight, but I need to tell you something before I go to bed, it hurts me too much that you think and say those things about me after all I have done for you, after over nine years of knowing each other there is not one person that knows us that could ever say that I don't care about you, everybody knows how much I wanted this relationship to work because of how much I really love you, between you and I, whether you believe it or not, I spent years listening to your stories and problems and successes and failures so I could do my best so we could spend the rest of our lives together, I know I had nothing but the best intentions in my heart because that's who I really am, you cannot take that away from me with any of your words, I cooked for you, cleaned for you, Took care of your horses for you, did yard work for you, rub your back for you, helped financially support you, and for many years emotionally supported you along with so much more. Most of all I really loved you and that's why I did all these things, but you continue to hurt me even though I still have true honest feelings for you, I do not feel the same coming back from you and have not for quite some time, so I hope you find your happiness, I want you to be happy!  If you ever find yourself wondering why none of your relationships are working and you look back and think maybe I was not so bad because of some of the good things that I do and want to admit to yourself Some of this may be you because of the way you treat the one you say you love and you want somebody to commit to Learning how to deal with your anxiety as well as some of your special emotional needs? Contact me then? It Is going to be work on your part too but I believe you can do it when you want to and you are ready. I am going to continue to work on myself and right now you are not helping, even though you show me all this hatred, I still have a small belief you may have some kind of feelings for me somewhere, if you do contact me which I do hope happens someday that you May be ready to stop hating and seriously get to work on fixing something that prevents you from having the relationship you want please know that I can't do that with your divided attention as it pertains to your male interactions, it is to hurtful to me and I will not be able to focus on your special emotional needs,if that day never comes then you never have to worry about it, I just cannot deal with iyour interactions any more because it is too hurtful to me.

There is no need for you to rifle back with more accusations because I am not interested in them, I am sorry then I got frustrated and said some of the things that I did but I am only human, so please enjoy yourself and be safe and know that there is a Guy out there that you hate at the moment Who really does care about you and would try to work on things with you when you are serious and ready, it just has to be without other men involved,  there is no need for you to try and convince me this is all my fault, i'll take the blame if it makes you feel better, if you never want to try then goodbye,  if the story changes in the future then goodbye until then.

It hurts me to say that because of 9yrs

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