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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: FI having trouble adjusting to new job  (Read 344 times)
isilme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« on: November 11, 2014, 11:56:33 AM »

Hi, been a while since I've been to this part of the board, mostly been focusing on recovery from parents and family members.  Since learning about validation, and trying to get my own issues under control, Fi and I have a better relationship overall, and are finally planning on getting married, so things overall have been better.  I ma having trouble right now, because I feel my own irritation at his inability to cope with things is getting to be a problem, and am coming here to both vent a little, and typing helps me see things that sometimes I can't see. 

FI has strong diagnosed BPD tendencies, and at times can dysregulate badly.  A lot of his trouble had been his previous workplace, which I am sad to say, the more he told me of the environment, and his boss' cavalier attitude towards grabbing, shoving, and yelling at her employees, and her abuse of him personally at work, (verified by others, not just his sometimes suspectedly skewed point of view), and also her sneaky ability to plead innocence remind me forcibly of my mother, made it clear to me that he was facing in the workplace a lot of abuse similar to what I faced growing up with 2 BPD parents.  Workplace bullying is bad, hard to prove, and as a white male under 40, it was very hard to prove in any way he'd been "painted black" by his boss, while other less competent employees were "golden".  The place he worked covered up the wrongdoing by the boss, tried to pin all complaints on him, forced him to work over time without pay, stole his intellectual property, and we suspect, subtlety implied he vandalized and/or stole things, and also slandered him claiming HE was the one grabbing and shoving people, not her.  Even in his worst anger, dissociated, and enraged, he has not done this to me in our home, so I do not believe he'd do it at work.  At work, he was diligent, and even anal about getting the work done to a high quality level, and the bos saw this as a threat to her incompetence, and like  a workplace bully acted as one.  So w talked it over, and though we really need two paychecks, felt it was best for him to quit.  He was having anxiety meltdowns at home, scared to go in, crying, and afraid of even being near the office (it's on a campus where we used to like to take walks). 

He left, wrote a letter of leaving, not resignation, stating it was a hostile work environment, and blind copied it to people he felt needed to know what was going on (friends and other coworkers, as well as administration who covered for the boss).

Miraculously, a new job in his limited field in our tiny town came open.  He applied, made it through 2 interviews, all the while scared and not sure he was good enough to work in an office after the emotional beatings from the previous boss, and got hired.  It has been hard on him, as they asked him to travel 5 hours away for training, and he hates travel at all, so I took time off work to go with him.  Now he's been there a few weeks, and they are still having some technical issues getting his old employer's info integrated into the system for the new employer - he got hired by a different regional branch of the same university system - the software is the same, but the HR departments are different, payroll is different, and his new bosses are actually higher up the chain than his old boss and so her influence is now nil, and the old HR department was complicent in the protection of the abusive boss.  So now whenever he hits a snag from bureaucracy, he freaks out, and is convinced that the old HR department is actively seeking him out to continue to hurt him. 

He is now on a several day jag of anger and depression, certain he will never get paid (he's been told the 21st of this month will be his first check), he should just quit, he's not professional enough to work in an office, and he's not good enough for the new bosses, he doesn't want to work for anyone anymore after how he was treated, etc.  I am raw and tired from the whole 6 month + long ordeal myself, trying to be positive, having had to find new work myself over the last year after a budgetary layoff, and am just plain tired.  We also lost a kitty unexpected last week, after only having her in our family for just under 3 years to s sudden development of intestinal cancer, and as we do not have kids and our furbabies ARE our kids, it was a big blow to us. 

I know he is tired. I know he is trying to do what he needs to,  I am just feeling so thin and stretched that I have little energy for validation, and have been snappy, which is not helping.  I am tired of it being insurmountable for him to do exactly what I had to do over the last year myself - leave a job I liked because of issues not of my making, get a new job with all the stress of interviews and resume creation, learn all new "tricks", as neither new job was that close to old duties, and deal with the bureaucratic problems from switching over departments/colleges in the university system.  It's a bit like he sees it as only mattering when it happens to him, it was okay for those things to happen to me because as he says, "you're stronger than I am".  I think I am just feeling selfish and tired of having to be stronger, and don't want to invalidate him, but am so tired the mental gymnastics that sometimes takes is very hard right now.  I tell him it's okay to be mad at the old boss, and he will be for some time.  I know it feels like it will last forever, but time does take away from anger and sadness, but that means lots of time, like 6 months, not six weeks.  I also fear a little that without the "target" of the old boss for his anger, I am now going to be the brunt of his emotional dysregulation until he feels more at home in this new job.  Sigh.

I don't want to make things worse.  Thanks for letting me type. 

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Rapt Reader
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 3626



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« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2014, 05:48:56 PM »

Wow, isilme, you and your Boyfriend (right? That's FI?) have been through a lot lately, and I can see that he is still hurting and stressed out over his job situation(s). And the stress his anxiety, etc. is having on you is also pretty bad! And then you lost your pet 

Have you been able to do any "you stuff" in order to detach and get away from your BFs troubles? Anything you can do to center and pamper yourself? Work out, read, go do some "girl stuff" alone or with friends? Just asking, because it sure does sound like you are being sucked in to BFs traumas, and it is wearing on you... .

Since you usually have been spending your time on the Healing/Coping Board, I'd like to invite you to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, and also this link: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder (where there are several really great Feature Articles that can help with a BPD significant other). Lots of the info on the Healing Board are similar, but the info on this Board (and, of course, the member threads) will be more specific to your situation with your BF.

Please let us know what you think of that information, and if you have any questions about any of it... .We would love to help you out here, isilme 

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isilme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2014, 06:58:08 PM »

Rapt reader, thanks for the feedback.  I think typing helped me a lot.  I used to come here a lot while trying to figure out how to be more validating and realized how my instinctive reactions just kept the bad cycles going.  One of us had to hop off the ,etophorical ride, and since I wanted to stay with my then BF, I then came here, tired to make use of the lessons as I could, and tried to read how others were able to make things work (if they could). 

I used to be a journal keeper, but those who've read my past posts know my dad found my diary when he kicked me out at 19 and photocopied pages of it and mailed them to relatives and even BFs family, to shame me and to prove I was a bad child.  I need to write, but can't feel comfortable ever again with an actual book, or even files on a computer.  I've found that this board has been great, as it lets me 'talk', and people who actually understand talk back. 

I was afraid that my diminishing mood was going to out me back in a place where I'd revert to my old responses to my now fiance's mood swings. Mover all, he's doing great.  It's been a bad, bad set of months, and overall, as a couple we are in a better place, it's just been one thing literally after the other lately, and he's not a good coper, and I've been so tired I can't sometimes.  Money is very tight, so no, I've not been able to go do much on my own, save go to work, which is deadline based, so it's got its own stresses.  Thank God my coworkers are all pretty cool, and nice people. 

We had yet another straw land on the camels back today, our heating unit broke last night, the coldest night and day so far as winter approaches.  I stayed to deal with the repairman since FI is so new at work we try to keep him from staying home when I have vacation to burn.  I had a bad, weepy morning, but the repair was pretty quick, less than I'd feared, and the house if finally warm again.  FI did better today than I did, which overall made me feel much better.  I DO get to be the basket case sometimes, and even with his emotional control not always being strong, he DOES try to be the strong one.  For someone with unBPD, that's a feat. 
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2014, 10:30:43 AM »

  Glad you are coping a little better.

I've got one bit of advice for you:

Save validating your FI for when you feel up to it.

Half-assed validation is often worse than nothing, and trying just takes too much out of you.

I'm reminded of the saying "It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all possible doubt."

Try to avoid saying those snippy things when you are feeling that way. If all you can manage is clamping your teeth together and NOT saying it, that is good enough. Avoid invalidating him.

You will feel better and get back to that grounded, centered, loving place where you can validate later.

I'm glad that this forum feels safe for you as a journal of sorts. I use it the same way. I do have a diary file on my computer, and I've been known to paste entire threads of mine from this forum into it.

 GK
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