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Author Topic: My wife's frustrating behavior  (Read 351 times)
Mr. Solo
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married for 18 years. Separated for 1.
Posts: 117



« on: November 11, 2014, 01:38:46 PM »

I have been reading some of the lessons and came across the term gaslighting. Wow is about all I can say. I didn't know there was an overall term for what my dBPDw did. It may have been the most frustrating aspect of her BPD behavior the last four years.

Every time there was a dispute about something she was doing she would basically try and convince me my morals were unrealistic. She tried to convince me women sleeping together outside of their marriages was not cheating because they really cannot have actual sex. Because she had ditched all her normal friends for friends that were in unconventional relationships or unhealthy relationships, she would always point to them as proof that she was right and I was wrong. "Soandso's husband lets her sleep with whomever she wants because it isn't really sex." When I would point out that Soandso's husband approves, therefore, Soandso isn't cheating, but because I do not approve, she would be cheating on me, she would then resort to insults. "Well, I guess he is a real man because he isn't insecure about his wife sleeping with other women." I would try and approach it in different ways because I didn't think she was getting what I was saying. So, I reminded her that about a year before she began her affair I jokingly told her I would have to watch porn if she was going to withhold sex (because she wasn't getting something she wanted) and she threw a hissy fit and said if I ever watched porn without her she would consider THAT cheating. And now she is trying to tell me her actually being with someone in the flesh, even if it is a woman, is not cheating? I would always think I had her painted in to a corner that no reasonable person could get out of. WRONG! It would not matter how ridiculously stupid or illogical her justifications were; she would come up with SOMETHING and something, ANYTHING was good enough to ease her conscience. "Well, I was wrong when I said that. I'm sorry. You can watch all the porn you want. You can even be with other men, if you want, and I wouldn't consider that cheating because you wouldn't actually be having sex." I was wrong for not letting her have sex with other women (and eventually it evolved into sex with women, men, both, a group, an orgy, etc.). I was wrong for expecting her to not leave the house after I put the kids to bed EVERY night and come home at 2-3am. I was wrong for believing 2-3 official Girls Night Outs a week was entirely too much. I was wrong for thinking the overwhelming majority of times that she and our three kids go do something "special" like going to an amusement park, horseback riding, to the lake, to a water park, etc., that I should be allowed to come. Not every time but the majority of the time. I was wrong for I was wrong for thinking, that the majority of time, when we go out to eat with another family or group, my wife should sit with me and the kids instead of with her new best friend.

It worked because I would spend my time doing mental gymnastic trying to figure out if I was, in fact, the one who was screwed up morally. I still haven't recovered from this treatment. Some issues I am afraid to breach because I know she will resort back to telling me I am STILL wrong. LOL.

As a side note, I had no idea what I was dealing with at the time so I know I didn't handle it properly.
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Sandman1881
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 106



« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2014, 02:50:24 PM »

It was a difficult read because it hashes up those gut-wrenching realities that I wasn't signing up for but received anyway.

I feel for you brother. This is where I was heading with my own. And I asked her day 1, if she wanted others, or an open relationship, she needed to simply tell me (for obvious reasons); I would have had an opportunity to make an HONEST decision. It's so abusive, and so "left field" we think honestly this "can't be happening." But it is. An adults worst nightmare coming to fruition, and the entire time being made to believe this is somehow our fault. It's not. But you know what I now acknowledge? "All's Fair In Love & War." And that's how they get away with such obnoxious and callous behavior. I know now that I was talking to a wall.

I had to leave. I just couldn't fight for one more moment. Even though I wanted nothing more that to have the "her" I once new return. The one (14 months later) she became (Morphed into), or turned back into, was not that woman any longer. And I now admit she had not been that "her" nearly the entire time. Push/Pull (but push again harder). Take/Give (but take back again and again and give less). Hit/Bite/Smoother (harder each time and more violent). And I could never be appreciative, or grateful enough. I was always just selfish and victimizing and pathetic and NOTHING was ever good enough - NO DAMN THING.

And violence and setting me up to look like the ass. And always giving herself more and more ammunition to eventually crucify me with.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If a man, or woman, has to even attempt to keep his/her partner in check with others (sexually), it's definitely time to pack up and go. Try to imagine the reverse, on your terms, with a woman that genuinely respects herself, her family, her husband, and God. We both know one foot would already be out the door. That's the woman for you (and me - just a different woman of course). If she wanted this lifestyle, SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH YOU DAY ONE!

I can be a big prick too and mess with a woman that acts subservient to me. The difference is I consciously choose not to behave this way. Especially after we both have agreed to be in a committed relationship with each other.

It sound like you need to drop her on her head a few nice times and try to turn the tables if you hope to make any progress.

I wish us both well.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Trying to remember normal life in my second month out.

I may be alone now, but I am doing what 's right and not trying to drag this trash into a new relationship. It's going to be a good while before I talk serious commitment with ANY woman to be. I won't have walls up, but I will be on my guard and protective of my own feelings, body, possessions and boundaries.

Broken Heart vs. Broken Brain - I think she broke my brain. Because the heart can only take so much. The brain wants to remain. And still is, for now. Making progress each and every day.


":)river? Next stop please... ."
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Mr. Solo
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married for 18 years. Separated for 1.
Posts: 117



« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2014, 04:05:37 PM »

Sandman,

Many times I told my wife just to tell me the truth so I could deal with it. She would tell me the truth, or what she thought was the truth, or what she wanted me to believe was the truth, at the time, and then tell me another "truth" about the same thing later. When I called her out, she would always have some lame excuse. "I told you I never loved you the other day because I was just being mean. Of course, I love you." Then a few days later. "I told you that because I knew that's what you wanted to hear at the time." Then later. "I was being mean again. You made me mad so I said that. I love you." But then she would get mad when I would say I didn't know what to believe and couldn't trust her. It even got to a point where she would say, "You need to just trust me. I know I messed up in the past but you have got to just trust me NOW." I would tell her it doesn't work that way and, of course, it was my fault because I couldn't pull that (impossible) off. Perhaps my least favorite response was, "You know what? If I am going to be accused of sleeping with Soandso, I may as well go ahead and do it." In other words, no matter what the scenario, it always worked out where she was doing what she wanted to do and every time it was justified in her mind.

It is nowhere near as bad as it was at one time but that's probably because we have been separated for over a year and she doesn't need to, not have to, justify anything to me because she is free to do what she wants most of the time. However, she still does similar things but differently.

A few weeks ago, she was complaining about a friend of ours who lives 2 hours away. My wife said this friend invites her all the time, to the point of being annoying, to come up to her house for the weekend and party with her and her friends. The truth is, my wife is jealous of our friend's new friends. But, anyways, my wife said something to the effect of, "I don't want to go up there! Why would I? All she does is drink and get drunk every night she can! She has girls nights out every weekend night. She doesn't pay attention to her husband or her kids because she is too busy partying." I found this unbelievable because, well, we went round and round for a few years about how often it was normal to have a girls night out. Her opinion was a few times A WEEK (which was made worse by the fact we were very tight financially). Anyways, so I chuckled. I couldn't help it. She asked why I chuckled and I said, "Seriously? You are saying she is over doing it because she has a girls night out every weekend night?" She caught on to what I was saying and said, "That's different." When I asked how it was different she didn't answer. I asked where our friend was partying and my wife said in her apartment. I asked if her husband was there when she did this and she said he was. I asked if the kids were there when she did this and she said they were sometimes but they stayed upstairs or they were usually in bed. I said, "You are right. It is different. She isn't leaving her husband at home to take care of the kids to go party almost every night. She is staying at home and spending time with her husband WHILE hanging out with her friends. She isn't going out flirting with people. She isn't spending money on drinks. I really don't see a big problem with what she is doing as far as being a wife and a mother. Maybe irresponsible in some ways but not a huge problem." She looked shocked. She asked me why I was okay with our friend doing stuff like that but didn't like her doing it. I told her again why it was different. Finally, she just said, "Well, you don't know all the details and what she is doing is wrong." I chuckled again. As I said, she is jealous of our friend's new friends. Our friend was once a big supporter of my wife because my wife isolated her from me and filled her full of bull but I have known our friend for 35 years and she knows me. She has started to see I was telling the truth. She has been telling my wife she needs to settle down and work on her marriage which my wife doesn't want to hear. So, this friend is painted black right now despite the fact she has helped my wife more than anyone (other than me) since she left me. A long way of saying my wife STILL will do whatever she needs to do in order to avoid admitting some faults and will engage in gaslighting to get her way or keep her distorted worldview intact.

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Mr. Solo
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married for 18 years. Separated for 1.
Posts: 117



« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2014, 04:13:18 PM »

Oh, and perhaps the funniest thing she has said lately is, when talking about the father of a bride she took pictures of a wedding for, "He flirted with me all night. Followed me around. Wouldn't stop talking to me. Was looking me up and down. NO WONDER HE'S DIVORCED!" She said it like he was scum of the earth for being that way and I wanted to say so bad, but I didn't, "No wonder YOU are very close to being in the same boat!"
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pallavirajsinghani
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married TDH-with high cheekbones that can cut butter.
Posts: 2497


« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2014, 04:53:27 PM »

Hello Mr. Solo:  Your choice of your name is so poignant:  You have a family and you feel alone.

Today I heard a new phrase,  "Moral Injury".  There is "Emotional Injury", "Physical Injury", "Financial Injury"... .and then there is, "Moral Injury".

I have always wondered why the Devil is depicted as a serpant... .the serpent has a forked tongue.  You can argue for and against any action with equal conviction and vehemence.  Then which viewpoint is right?

It seems to me that the necessity for her to define what is moral and for you to accept what is moral is not the right perspective.  After all people who kill in the name of morality and religion and ideals have convinced themselves of the morality of their actions.  So let us, for a few minutes take this entire issue of morality out of the equation.

Let us look at it as an issue of self-discipline.  Nature has granted a limited amount of energy and time/Society has granted us social norms that limit our behavioral patterns/Our own financial situation allows us a limited amount of fiscal resources.

So it takes self-discipline and consistent obstinate obsessive behavior to utilize our limited resources to their optimum capacity.  The goal of life being... .creating the most beautiful, sustaining and satisfying good memories/moments for ourselves and for those around us.  These good memories can be as small as giving a compliment to a sales clerk and as complicated as planning an anniversary party.

Obviously she is failing to show the self-discipline that is required to create the good memories.

The good memories she is creating are for herself... .at the cost of those who love her and who have committed themselves to her welfare.  Worse, she is creating memories that cannot nurture her... .they will only result in shame and guilt which she will try to continuously drown by creating chaos and doubt in you.

She is seeking sugar highs... .from moment to moment and not the deep nourishing satisfying life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Therefore, the first step is to recognize that you cannot change her.  You can only change yourself. 

Then begin to study about this disorder in greater depth... .specifically how it can affect people who love the sufferers.

To love means to accept... .to accept does not mean to condone.  You can accept her life choices... .but you are also free to create boundaries that prevent her life choices from harming you.

She does not have to tell you any truth.  You just have to create a certain mindset which allows you to protect yourself from whatever truth it may be.

It may mean you wearing a condom from now on... .this self-protection will take many many different small and big forms... .but self-protection it is.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Above all, it is protection of your own moral compass.  Brainwashing has resulted in millions of deaths at the hands of others... .it has resulted in great suffering throughout the history of mankind.

Be warned, be careful... .moral compass can be brainwashed into getting watered down where has no substance left.

Hope this helps.

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