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Author Topic: Question for the staying board.  (Read 446 times)
WhoMe51
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« on: November 11, 2014, 01:55:31 PM »

I have questions for those who have chosen to stay. Do you ever regret the decision to stay?  And my second question is how do you let go of all the hurt and pain that your pwBPD has caused you?  I was just wondering.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

formflier
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« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2014, 02:35:00 PM »

I have questions for those who have chosen to stay. Do you ever regret the decision to stay?  And my second question is how do you let go of all the hurt and pain that your pwBPD has caused you?  I was just wondering.

Nope... .never once regretted it.  Not saying it is easy. 

Not "taking it personally" is a hard skill to master.  I still work on it a lot.

Plus... .what good does it do to hold on to the pain?
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LApak

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« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2014, 06:20:29 PM »

To the above comment? Never?  Wow!  I like that U say that but I've done a lot of reading;however, finding this source this far seems to be better than any other- that is the only time I've heard that. There was a story I ready from a woman who said things were better, she was with her spouse for like 50 yrs.   she said things were good, almost as he'd outgrown it but said she wasted her life and looking back, she should have left. I keep trying to be optimistic and keep hoping it's worth it but I am scared.  Although my man doesn't "hit" me, I have had hair ripped out, choked- squeezes my face- and breaks our home-  hell, he even threw a chair at our dog-  thank u for ur post... .Cuz I'm struggleing with my decision to keep trying. God bless
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takingandsending
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« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2014, 11:19:17 AM »

Hi WhoMe,

I see that you are on the Leaving board. Can I ask what point you are at in the leaving process?

Regrets? Certainly. But living life without regrets takes a level of courage and wisdom that I don't yet have - it means living fully in the present. I often think that people who have no regrets either fortify their external view of self and never look inward, or they forgot their moments of regret when they realized   Idea that one can only live in the present.

I can say that I don't regret having met my wife, or having had a relationship with her. I do regret that I ignored certain alarm signals of her illness, because maybe we both could have learned better how to live with it. I regret that I brought two lovely children into life and into harms way, but I don't regret that they are alive and very much my happiness in my life. I still can see at times the wonderful qualities that my wife has, but the pain of living in relationship with her is real, and it hurts.

It seems like regret assumes that I would have chosen something better, somehow absolves me of having responsibility for where I am at right now. Who's to say, when those alarm bells rang for the first time I was with my wife, if I had run for the hills, what would I have run toward next? Would it be better, worse, the same? My hunch is that I still had too many unresolved wounds in my own psyche to recognize and act on the security and knowledge that I wasn't the cause of or responsible in some way for healing her hurt - maybe, more importantly, that I was responsible for my own happiness.

Yes, regrets. My own practice teaches to make a place for them at the table, acknowledge their presence, but don't give them any special significance over the myriad other thoughts that rumble through my head.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2014, 11:55:03 AM »

Do you ever regret the decision to stay? 

Tough question.  My time to "leave" would have been to recognize the red flags earlier, and never begin the r/s, or leave early on.  And since that time, I still feel the best course of action for me is to keep pushing forward, but hold onto the possibility of changing my mind in the future.  I don't want to "regret" making decisions in the past that I didn't have proper knowledge to make, and I also don't want to feel like I am trapped into some kind of future.  Looking back, I don't regret any decisions because I didn't have the knowledge of how things would play out - so I can only say I "regret" things based upon my current knowledge.

In fairness, though, there were a couple of times where I wished I had the knowledge and strength to say "no" and stick with it.  Instead I got manipulated into staying in the r/s.  This was very early on, before I knew anything about BPD, and before I knew this behavior was a long-term pattern and not just a temporary response to an event.

And my second question is how do you let go of all the hurt and pain that your pwBPD has caused you?  I was just wondering.

Impossible to let go all of it.  I have to accept that I am supposed to feel hurt and that letting go is difficult. Not beating myself up for feeling hurt is part of the letting go.  It helps for me to see her as someone with a serious mental illness who is trying for love and acceptance rather than a vindictive person who is out to hurt others.  I think it helps to see how she treats her family and friends the same way as me, and to see those relationships play out on her end - helps me see that it is not just me. 
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2014, 12:03:40 PM »

To the above comment? Never?  Wow!  

Yep... Never.  That doesn't mean I haven't had hard days... .but the decision to marry her... .the decision to have a family with her... .and the decision to put every ounce of energy into "staying"... .but "getting better"... .never a regret.

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WhoMe51
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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2014, 07:13:47 AM »

I am the one that left her.  In the end of our relationship, she had it in her mind that I had cheated on her.  I told her that I had never considered cheating on her and wouldn't.  But she believed it and therefore it must have happened regardless of what I said.  I could have stayed, but I was emotionally drained.  I tried not to take things that she said personally but I did.  I'm human.  I don't regret being in this relationship.  I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship.  I learned what I will tolerate and what I won't.  I learned how important it is to love yourself and respect yourself.  If I would have stayed, I would have regretted it.  I could no longer tolerate her emotional abuse.  She refused to get help or she would make excuses not to.  Marriage counseling was an opportunity for her to be a victim and I looked like the ___ in the relationship.  She could never understand just how much I loved her.  I listened to her.  I validated her feelings.  I held her when she didn't understand things.  I walked away when she wanted to fight.  I came back and held her when she said it would never happen again.  I avoided the triggers that would set her off.  But in the end nothing I did mattered, she would come up with these accusations.  I never could figure out how to make it work. 
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Panda39
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« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2014, 07:23:29 AM »

Excerpt
I never could figure out how to make it work.

I think you actually did figure it out. You walked away.  For you that was the only way it could work. 

Take those lessons you've learned and move forward.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Yaffle
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« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2014, 07:55:52 AM »

Regret certain parts of it massively.  What should have been the best 10 years of my life has turned into the toughest.  I won't say worst cos there are good parts.  Having kids, my actual opinion of myself has improved massively but on the downside I've missed large parts of the enjoyable part of my life, I should be financially secure but I'm not, I gave up lots of sports at too young an age, lost contact with friends, become withdrawn, not fulfilled ambitions etc etc
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Yaffle
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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2014, 07:59:56 AM »

To re-visit.  As much as anything I wish I'd known early so I wouldn't have taken so much personally and would also have probably stood up for my rights sooner rather than now having to claw my way back back up to a reasonable position from so low.
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Hope26
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« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2014, 06:25:56 PM »

Hi WhoMe,

In my opinion Panda51 said it beautifully.  You did figure it out, you walked away, and for you that was the only way it could work.  In spite of the unusually difficult challenges preented in dealing with this disorder, it probably boils down to the same question every married person asks himself/herself; am I better off with this person than without them.  In my case, the answer is yes.  I love my UBPDh a lot.  When he is good, he is very, very good and does all he can to make me happy.  Knowing that it is a mental disorder that is responsible for the bad times makes those times easier to bear as well.  And the knowledge I have acquired here helps immensely.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2014, 07:09:53 PM »

Well, I'm about to let my wife walk away from me, if she wants to. And if she leaves me in limbo much longer, I may choose to leave myself soon-ish. As we are currently living 3000 miles apart, the choice to finally separate (and divorce) feels less urgent than it might if we were closer. geographically.

However, I have absolutely no regrets about my choice to stay through today.

If my wife chooses to cut contact with the guy she's cheating with, and says with some sincerity that she won't cheat again, or will work to find a way not to, I will choose to stay with her longer.

There are, MANY things that I did in my marriage that I would not now choose to do the same way I did then. Some of those I regret... .I could have known better at the time.

How do I forgive what she's done? By feeling the pain and letting go. Very simple. NOT easy. But worth it. The opposite of forgiveness--holding a grudge--is like drinking poison and expecting the other party to die from it.
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formflier
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« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2014, 07:27:54 PM »

 

Yeah... .I'm back... .and to clarify... .I have big regrets about the way the r/s played out... .but not my decision to stay... .or to start the r/s.

Most of it was done because I had no idea what I was dealing with... .

When you see people on here talk about having to claw their way back to some normalcy... .I definitely fit that category.

Boy... .not taking it personally is hard... .I was doing pretty good with it but the last couple shenanigans she has pulled... .are getting to me... .this is most likely where I need to focus
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