Help me understand HOW to place boundaries

[LApak]

I reAd and read and then read again... .Boundries?  I just don't see how I can do any of this? If I was to leave Until we both cooled off-  I'd be blocked at the door.  I pretty much try to say nothing when he's screaming at me but there's also times I too, can't control it.  Today he took me to a doctor appt downtown since I didn't wanna drive, he didn't ask what was said ( I've got some serious thyroid issues and it's been rough) he the  took me to a late lunch and then another appt.  I thought it was sweet- we had a nice day since we never have a day off-  I got in the car and he screamed that I cost him money today and he lost a chance to buy something he saw on Craigslist -  I tried to be quiet, then my tears came and oh yea, I got angry- all I said was hmmm, I seem to recall missing a few days of work for U ( once to take him to a doctor and once Cuz he had beat me up the nite before-  not from bruises, from the shock)... .  Tell me- boundaries? On that ? How?  Or is it just keep my mouth shut? If I was to say oh honey, I'm sorry it took this long...     He gets angrier!  WHAT would U do? He's not a all bad man- but when he is...    He's bad. But he's my guy, and I love him-  not reAdy to give up on him.    Yet

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Step 1.  Don't do boundaries until they are well thought through... .because if you "cave in" and give up a boundary... .that is bad... .worse than doing nothing.  So you are doing right thing... .asking questions... think... .think again.

Step 2.  Play it through in your head many times.  Focus really hard on not loosing it... .detaching some... .not like you don't care... but even... ."sober"... .not "reactive".

So... try this on for size... .note... .don't do this... .just think for a while... .get other opinions.

You get into car... .he screams at you... .you open the car door and say... ."I'm sorry you feel that way... .I'll be back in 5 minutes and we'll try to talk properly about this... ."

Thoughts?

[formflier]

 

Read up on "invalidation"... .

You don't want to argue back... .you don't want to "point out the truth" (that can come later)... .goal is to calm things down... or remove yourself and let them calm down on their own.

[RR4U]

Its so hard. It took me a while to start setting boundries. The first ones i set was with me. I would try my best not to argue back just kept saying im sorry you feel that way.  This would make him more angry. He would also block me from leaving. I would try when he was not angry to say when im in abc room and ask for alone time you have to respect me. After constant repest of this it helps dometimes. He now at time will stand at door and yell but not come into room.it exhausting and frustrating at the same time but we love them. Vent away on here and read cooments. It helps when you are having a hard day. One day at a time but never stop working on you.

[LApak]

Thanks to you all-  I am soo trying... .And I'm a pretty tough cookie so I'm still hopeful it get easier.  It's hard because my guy is what U call a bad boy... .He's a biker in a club and that adds to his ego -  he scares me at times but not scared like I'm a poor lil abused girl, Cuz that's not it.  But he will get violent with me if I even attempt to step out while arguing.  I'm gonna stand where I'm at and keep reading and keep venting with you all-  again- thanks.  It's hard for me to even talk, I can't expect him to I guess.  I'm looking to fix me, handle him and when my strength is back, hopefully I'll mKe the right choice.  I love this Man U kno?

[RR4U]

Just keep working on getting stronger. But keep yourself safe. No one no matter how "stronger" "tough" gives them a right to put there hands on you. Please keep you safe!

[takingandsending]

Hey LApak. 

This does not sound like something you should be doing alone. Do you have a safety plan in place when he becomes angry and violent? Is there someone who you can call to help you if you do need to leave, and if so, can you enlist them to help you before you do decide to express your boundaries.

The thing about boundaries is, they are meant to be an expression of our basic, bare bones values of what makes us who we are. At least, that's where you start. And when you are in an abusive RS (verbally or physically), you lose sight of what your values are because you are being systemically devalued. No one deserves that. No one can sustain that for long without damage to their self worth. And, I am going to say it, no one is worth allowing them to do that to you.

Please consider developing a safety plan, knowing the phone number and making contact with your area domestic violence shelter/support center. You don't need to do this alone.

The Lessons on communication here are helpful. I had to go in baby steps. First thing was practice validation. Eventually, I could try and use SET (during calm periods primarily). Establishing and expressing boundaries is a slower process, because it's about me, not about my wife. And it's taking me longer to get clear on what my values are because I have habitually been ignoring and invalidating them myself for the sake of placating my spouse. It doesn't work. We both just ended up unhappy.

But, I can share with you that expressing boundaries in my RS has been more helpful in reducing the conflict in my marriage than any of the other steps. Hang in there. And start thinking about how you can take care of yourself. What loving things can you do for yourself as you go through some of this painful stuff with your partner?

I hope any of this helps you. 

[Grey Kitty]

Boundaries are important. I can give lots of details. However, this situation is a notch above.

First thing: Beating you is domestic violence. I think you know this already

Second thing: Preventing you (physically) from leaving is also domestic violence. Also against the law.

Please read this:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Make a safety plan. You know what you are afraid he will do. Let us help you figure out a safety plan. You aren't the only member who has had this sort of problem!