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Author Topic: He is living in a fantasy world  (Read 411 times)
EaglesJuju
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« on: November 11, 2014, 06:33:21 PM »

My uBPDbf left two months ago to get help from his old psychiatrist.  Since  he moved across the country (near his parents), our relationship has been very shaky.  It started out with LC and communicating only through texts. Then we started talking on the phone. Our conversations are usually pleasant, with him saying not much more than "I love you" and him wanting me to visit him. I have been understanding, patient, and avoiding talking about things that could trigger him.  One thing that seems to trigger him is the thought of moving back to me. I have not pressured him to move back anytime soon but, I mentioned I did not want to be waiting for years. I tried using SET but, he got really upset so I changed the subject.   He has told me before he would be back in February.  Then it was "I don't know."  Finally, it is "someday." He reassured me that we will make this work and be together.

He mentioned something about his family being his "security net" and him being scared.  I am assuming that he has painted where I live as "black" and associates his own feelings of shame with it here. How can I gently approach this subject without triggering him? The indeterminate amount of time makes me feel that the relationship is becoming a fantasy. 
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« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2014, 09:47:52 PM »

This does sound like a tricky situation, EaglesJuJu. I'm really sorry that you are going through all of this... .You say that he would like you to visit him? Are you considering that? Is there a reason you wouldn't want to do that?

I can understand the open-ended nature of his returning to where you are, being hard for you to imagine a continuing relationship... .Is that the subject you would like to broach with him, without triggering him?

Do you love him, too? Enough to maybe move to where he is, in order to continue the relationship? Is the Therapy he is getting with his "old" Psychiatrist helping him at all? Do you foresee a time when his disorder is under control, and you can have a good relationship with him, living together? If he wants to get better, wants to be with you, and you want to be with him--do you think he will be able to overcome his disabilities enough for that to work? Sorry for all the questions 

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« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2014, 10:15:00 PM »

This does sound like a tricky situation, EaglesJuJu. I'm really sorry that you are going through all of this... .You say that he would like you to visit him? Are you considering that? Is there a reason you wouldn't want to do that?

I can understand the open-ended nature of his returning to where you are, being hard for you to imagine a continuing relationship... .Is that the subject you would like to broach with him, without triggering him?

Do you love him, too? Enough to maybe move to where he is, in order to continue the relationship? Is the Therapy he is getting with his "old" Psychiatrist helping him at all? Do you foresee a time when his disorder is under control, and you can have a good relationship with him, living together? If he wants to get better, wants to be with you, and you want to be with him--do you think he will be able to overcome his disabilities enough for that to work? Sorry for all the questions 

I do want to visit him but, I have so much going on, especially with my graduate school.  Also, I do not know if I can emotionally handle seeing him.  I feel that I would get really upset leaving him.  I love him very much and the distance is really hard for me to cope with. 

I was willing to actually consider moving out to where he is.  He had asked me quite a few times.  I was against it originally due, to my medical condition and graduate school requirements.  He told me he would resent himself for the rest of his life, if I gave up on my dreams. Essentially, he gave me an ultimatum, if I move out there and give up school we are done.   In addition, he mentioned being "scared" if I moved out there.  I believe he is having financial problems, as he is now living with a family member.   

He just started seeing his psychiatrist.  He has not really discussed how it is going, only hints that what the psychiatrist said to him. I suspect the psychiatrist is leaning towards a BPD diagnosis.  I can see how that could scare him.  I believe if he truly commits to his therapy, yes I think our relationship will work.  I know that it is going to take sometime for him to really work on himself.  Right now he is disassociating and avoiding his issues, through sleeping excessively and drinking.  While he is doing that, I am going to work on my issues and become mentally strong.

I do want to talk to him about our future plans.  Anytime I talk about the future it triggers him.   Obviously, he told me not to go out there.  He says he wants to make this work but, does not know how. 
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« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2014, 03:58:03 AM »

Yes, it's hard.

My BPD spent 4 months at his parents' and I felt utterly betrayed.

Your bf has to cope with ambivalent feelings, and it's hard (for him, and for you!).

Do you know what his psychiatrist said? Has he got a treatment?
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« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2014, 08:18:47 AM »

Yes, it's hard.

My BPD spent 4 months at his parents' and I felt utterly betrayed.

Your bf has to cope with ambivalent feelings, and it's hard (for him, and for you!).

Do you know what his psychiatrist said? Has he got a treatment?

It has been very hard for me.  He still cannot contact me first.  Constantly initiating  contact frustrates me.  I spoke to him about that.  He said if he does not call or text me, he feels bad.  Then he feels bad the next day for not contacting me, it is a cycle of blame. 

He did not fully say what happened but, he said the first session really upset him.  We spoke about his feelings a bit before he went.  He told me that he thinks he is only severely depressed and not bipolar (this psychiatrist diagnosed him as bipolar a long time ago).  Also, he was talking about his chronic feelings of emptiness, he does not know who he is, self-loathing, and being sad for no reason at all.  I was supportive and said you should really tell your psychiatrist that, it is really important.  He fits all of the diagnostic criteria. I would be surprised if his psychiatrist did not diagnose him. Honestly, I would be relieved with a BPD diagnosis.  I think indentifying the problem  would help him. From what he tells me, he comes home from work and drinks to fall asleep.  He sleeps for 10 hours a night.

 

He knows about BPD because, I do quite a bit of school related work on PD's.  (I am in graduate school for psychology).  We have a shared Microsoft account and he has seen a few papers I wrote about BPD.  He asked me once what my therapist said about him, I told him that my therapist thinks he has BPD.  Knowing him, he googled BPD and is afraid to tell me because of the stigma attached to it. 
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« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2014, 09:16:22 AM »

It used to be like that with BPD and I, I always initiated contact when he was dysregulating.

But 2 years later, he "uses" this to say I forced him back into the r/s and so on... .

Beware of this, and even if you have a feeling of "urgency", try to let him make a move. HE IS capable of it, it just takes time.

I do think that when they don't make a move, it's not only because of self-loathing or depression, it's mainly because they're struggling with ambivalent feelings and sometimes terrible thoughts against US (we persecute them and so on).

You don't want to be the one who ALWAYS has to go to him, do you?

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« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2014, 09:40:46 AM »

It used to be like that with BPD and I, I always initiated contact when he was dysregulating.

But 2 years later, he "uses" this to say I forced him back into the r/s and so on... .

Beware of this, and even if you have a feeling of "urgency", try to let him make a move. HE IS capable of it, it just takes time.

I do think that when they don't make a move, it's not only because of self-loathing or depression, it's mainly because they're struggling with ambivalent feelings and sometimes terrible thoughts against US (we persecute them and so on).

You don't want to be the one who ALWAYS has to go to him, do you?

I do not want to be the one that always has to go to him.  I would like for him to make a move.  The balance of giving him space and my need to communicate is tricky.  I am afraid of not contacting him/waiting for him, will give him the impression that I do not care.  He has used the disassociative/avoidance defense mechanism all his life.  It is absolutely frustrating, as this is the man who wants to marry me.  This situation has been incredibly difficult for me, testing my patience and understanding.  I do believe he understands and is appreciative of my support.  He told me, that he loves me more than ever and I have been amazing throughout the entire two months.  Although I have been supportive etc., my needs are not currently being validated. 
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« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2014, 11:08:48 AM »

I do not want to be the one that always has to go to him.  I would like for him to make a move.  The balance of giving him space and my need to communicate is tricky.  I am afraid of not contacting him/waiting for him, will give him the impression that I do not care.  He has used the disassociative/avoidance defense mechanism all his life.  It is absolutely frustrating, as this is the man who wants to marry me.  This situation has been incredibly difficult for me, testing my patience and understanding.  I do believe he understands and is appreciative of my support.  He told me, that he loves me more than ever and I have been amazing throughout the entire two months.  Although I have been supportive etc., my needs are not currently being validated. 

Yes, I know all this... .but from my experience, it may come back to us like a boomerang.

If I could change the past, I would consider saying "I love you but I don't want to be the one who makes a move again. If you love me, you'll come back to me when you feel able to."

Because when sht REALLY happens, we regret having given THAT much.

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« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2014, 11:17:23 AM »

I do not want to be the one that always has to go to him.  I would like for him to make a move.  The balance of giving him space and my need to communicate is tricky.  I am afraid of not contacting him/waiting for him, will give him the impression that I do not care.  He has used the disassociative/avoidance defense mechanism all his life.  It is absolutely frustrating, as this is the man who wants to marry me.  This situation has been incredibly difficult for me, testing my patience and understanding.  I do believe he understands and is appreciative of my support.  He told me, that he loves me more than ever and I have been amazing throughout the entire two months.  Although I have been supportive etc., my needs are not currently being validated. 

Yes, I know all this... .but from my experience, it may come back to us like a boomerang.

If I could change the past, I would consider saying "I love you but I don't want to be the one who makes a move again. If you love me, you'll come back to me when you feel able to."

Because when sht REALLY happens, we regret having given THAT much.

So you think I should say that to him? 
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« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2014, 01:18:16 PM »

So you think I should say that to him? 

I think it's important to set your boundaries as soon as you can.

Yes, they are "sick" but going way beyond what we would do for other people doesn't usually pay off.

Also, we shouldn't underestimate their abilities.

I found emails he wrote me in the very beginning of our r/s after he had (already) dysregulated a bit. And he made the first step and asked me to forgive him, that he loved me etc.

This kind of stopped when I made the first step EVERY TIME.

You mustn't forget yourself. You also need reassurance, one can't spend their time (or life even) reassuring someone with only a little response in return.
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« Reply #10 on: November 12, 2014, 01:34:20 PM »

Thank you for sharing your experiences on this thread today. I really needed to read it. I have been struggling with the overwhelming urge to reach out to my exfiance for the past few days. I miss him so dearly. I love him deeply. I am counseling and doing better every day. I found myself again. I have no idea what's up with him at this point. He has been NC for awhile and at last contact was projecting and blaming. I used set it was ok. I just miss him so. I wish I could tell him how loved he is. I needed to read this today to stay strong. Thanks for sharing. 
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« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2014, 02:16:45 PM »

Thank you for sharing your experiences on this thread today. I really needed to read it. I have been struggling with the overwhelming urge to reach out to my exfiance for the past few days. I miss him so dearly. I love him deeply. I am counseling and doing better every day. I found myself again. I have no idea what's up with him at this point. He has been NC for awhile and at last contact was projecting and blaming. I used set it was ok. I just miss him so. I wish I could tell him how loved he is. I needed to read this today to stay strong. Thanks for sharing. 

The uncertainty of the situation makes it very difficult.  It was different when he was dysregulating while living in the same house.  I could actually see the expression on his face or have a better understanding of how to handle the situation.  It is a different story when you are coping from a distance.  A long distance relationship with a pwBPD, is really like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. 

Thanks to therapy, I have been working on my own issues and it has been really helping.  Although I have been working on myself, I still miss him terribly.  Everyday is as hard as the first day he left.  It is a paradox, I am a stronger person for him leaving, but I am sad he is gone. 

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« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2014, 04:17:13 PM »

A long distance relationship with a pwBPD, is really like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. 

Yes, I know too well how that feels  :'(

But he might surprise you still. I believe that if he loves you, he will get back to you anyway, when he feels better. And maybe even more if you leave him alone. But it's important to let him know you care.

In my case, the only contact I had for the last couple of months was about our baby son, lawyers, papers and money... .just seeing a message from him popping up on my cell made me feel anxious... .

Until last Friday when he told me "I'm coming to spend 5 days at home" (?)

And here he was, looking really happy to see us, acting calm and normal (although no physical contact, and since I won't initiate any, he won't either).

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« Reply #13 on: November 12, 2014, 04:25:39 PM »

A long distance relationship with a pwBPD, is really like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. 

Yes, I know too well how that feels  :'(

But he might surprise you still. I believe that if he loves you, he will get back to you anyway, when he feels better. And maybe even more if you leave him alone. But it's important to let him know you care.

In my case, the only contact I had for the last couple of months was about our baby son, lawyers, papers and money... .just seeing a message from him popping up on my cell made me feel anxious... .

Until last Friday when he told me "I'm coming to spend 5 days at home" (?)

And here he was, looking really happy to see us, acting calm and normal (although no physical contact, and since I won't initiate any, he won't either).

I think that he will come back when he feels better.  Leaving him alone could have negative consequences.  I do not even know how I would approach that subject with him. 
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« Reply #14 on: November 12, 2014, 04:28:12 PM »

I think that he will come back when he feels better.  Leaving him alone could have negative consequences.  I do not even know how I would approach that subject with him. 

What subject? To leave him alone or not?
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« Reply #15 on: November 12, 2014, 04:33:32 PM »

I think that he will come back when he feels better.  Leaving him alone could have negative consequences.  I do not even know how I would approach that subject with him. 

What subject? To leave him alone or not?

Yes. I would say something to him instead of just going NC. 
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« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2014, 05:30:29 PM »

Yes. I would say something to him instead of just going NC.  

Going NC is not the same as not initiating contact when he's not.

You can let him know that you're there if he wants contact, but that you don't want to "disturb" or something like that. I don't want to tell you what to say or not, really. It depends on the people. I just wanted to remind you of your own limits and boundaries, and to not go beyond what makes you feel good. We can quickly get lost in a r.s with a BPD person, it's important to protect ourselves. They are not well ok, but they are used to it, we're not.

AND they can excel in self-pitying too!

He is NOT more fragile that you are, that's for sure.

As Randi Kreger says in "stop walking on eggshells", BPD emotions are not more important that ours.

BTW, if you haven't already, I strongly recommend you to read this book, it really helps putting things back into perspective  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: November 13, 2014, 11:49:51 PM »

I did speak to him yesterday about his lack of initiating contact.  He surprised me and called today instead of texting.  We spoke for four hours.  This is definitely progress and a step in the right direction.  Using SET, I tried to approach the subject of him moving back here.  He got defensive and started projecting his anger towards me. I was good and did not JADE. Then a couple of minutes later, he said, "I am sorry I am projecting  to you."      Honestly, I am not expecting him to come back any time soon, but in the near future. He truly views his family as a "security net" and mentioned that again tonight. I just do not know how to reassure him that it will be okay to come back whenever he is ready, but I do not wait an indeterminate amount of time.  Any advice on how to bring up his moving back here without him getting defensive or averting the topic?
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« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2014, 12:41:50 AM »

Hi EaglesJuJu,

I'm sorry to hear that uBPDbf left a couple of months ago. It's stressful and causes anxiety not knowing how things will develop. That's difficult .

I'm happy to hear you had a four hour conversation with him and that sounds like progress. I'm also happy to hear that your communicating using SET. It works well when it does.

He has told me before he would be back in February.  Then it was "I don't know."  Finally, it is "someday." He reassured me that we will make this work and be together.

He mentioned something about his family being his "security net" and him being scared.  I am assuming that he has painted where I live as "black" and associates his own feelings of shame with it here.

I'm not sure that you're entirely split black here to be honest because you had a lengthy conversation. You progressed from texting to talking.

What I get here and I'm throwing this out there is passive aggressiveness. Passive aggressive behavior can take many forms and is non verbal agression. Instead of communicating openly feelings are bottled up.

An example of passive agressive behavior can be procrastination. That being said, does he have a history of exhibiting passive aggressive behavior?
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« Reply #19 on: November 14, 2014, 01:16:00 AM »

Hi EaglesJuJu,

I'm sorry to hear that uBPDbf left a couple of months ago. It's stressful and causes anxiety not knowing how things will develop. That's difficult .

I'm happy to hear you had a four hour conversation with him and that sounds like progress. I'm also happy to hear that your communicating using SET. It works well when it does.

He has told me before he would be back in February.  Then it was "I don't know."  Finally, it is "someday." He reassured me that we will make this work and be together.

He mentioned something about his family being his "security net" and him being scared.  I am assuming that he has painted where I live as "black" and associates his own feelings of shame with it here.

I'm not sure that you're entirely split black here to be honest because you had a lengthy conversation. You progressed from texting to talking.

What I get here and I'm throwing this out there is passive aggressiveness. Passive aggressive behavior can take many forms and is non verbal agression. Instead of communicating openly feelings are bottled up.

An example of passive agressive behavior can be procrastination. That being said, does he have a history of exhibiting passive aggressive behavior?

He never has painted me "black," he has always referred to me as "amazing."  I think he is associating where I live as "bad," since he was feeling depressed and engaged in self-destructive behavior here (he would drink during the weekends to "stop the pain," binge eat, excessive sleeping). He is impulsive and has a past history of fleeing a situation and going back to his parents. The irony is, he is engaging in worse behavior while living with his family member (drinking every night, excessive sleeping, severe avoidance and disassociation).   

He has been passive-aggressive before.  His weapons of choice are avoidance and projection.  He told me that he has problems talking to anyone at this moment,  even if he is not talking about his feelings.  If I bring something up that is not small talk, I usually get a response of "I love you or I am getting upset."  Obviously he is curtailing the real issues.  I believe the only reason the conversation was so long, because he was drinking. 

The last two months have been a nightmare for me.  I am working on myself but, the indeterminate amount of time gives me anxiety. I have been really patient for the last two months.  When he left he said, he will be back.  Now he is giving me the impression of me moving out there when my graduate school is finished; three years.  His thoughts on the situation are so erratic. 

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« Reply #20 on: November 14, 2014, 01:40:38 AM »

That's frustrating EaglesJuju - 3 years. I'm so sorry. This is hard. 

The irony is, he is engaging in worse behavior while living with his family member (drinking every night, excessive sleeping, severe avoidance and disassociation).

My apologies for jumping in the middle of a conversation here and I don't entirely know what the back story is. He's avoidant, passive agressive and projects.

The worse behavior when he's with his family telegraphs to me that he's enabled over there. Have you met his family? If so, what's his family like? His FOO (family of origin)

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« Reply #21 on: November 14, 2014, 01:55:24 AM »

That's frustrating EaglesJuju - 3 years. I'm so sorry. This is hard.  

The irony is, he is engaging in worse behavior while living with his family member (drinking every night, excessive sleeping, severe avoidance and disassociation).

My apologies for jumping in the middle of a conversation here and I don't entirely know what the back story is. He's avoidant, passive agressive and projects.

The worse behavior when he's with his family telegraphs to me that he's enabled over there. Have you met his family? If so, what's his family like? His FOO (family of origin)

He possesses all the diagnostic criteria for BPD and is diagnosed as Bipolar type II. He now says he is only severely depressed.  He did see his psychiatrist, which he said really upset him.  Tonight, he also said he is really "messed up."  He left here to get help from his old psychiatrist, whom he trusts.  

He left after coming back from a wedding in California, where he saw his family.  On the day he returned home, he had an appointment to see a psychiatrist here. He was without treatment for the 3.5 years he lived here.  Apparently, the psychiatrist wanted to put him on a mood stabilizer.  Medicine upsets him, and he associated the medicine with an incident that happened when he was younger.  The parents essentially pushed medicine on him.  At one point, he was taking 30 different medications.

After the psychiatrist visit here, the next day he came home from work and told me he was leaving.  He said he was feeling empty and suicidal. He left 5 days later.

His FOO are enablers. The mother has a lot of co-dependency traits and works all the time to support the father, older brother, and two younger brothers.  The older brother and his wife live at the parents house with their two children.  The other brothers live at the parents house as well.  The father has schizophrenia, depression, and Bipolar.  The father sleeps the majority of the day and isolates himself in the room. This is where my bf learned his avoidance behavior.  My bf lives with his other brother and sister-in-law.  Both of them rebelled from their religion and now engage in drinking/drugs.  I never met them.  
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