My Husband has BPD traits. He had an affair and blames me.

[wifeinturmoil]

I have been married for 11 years.  One month before our 10 year anniversary I discovered that my husband had been involved in a 4 year affair.  He blames me.  I wasn't there for him when his business failed.  I didn't do enough.  He thought I didn't love him.  I didn't have enough sex with him.  I emasculated him.  Funny though... .I WAS 7 months pregnant with my second child when the affair started and it went through pregnancy and birth of my 3rd child.  So we were having sex.  He says these things even though we DID go through a rough period after his business failed and thought about separating.  All he could see in himself was a failure.  I tried and tried to get him to see that he wasn't and that I didn't feel that way at all, but he would constantly tell me that he knew that I thought he was a failure.

Finally, we had a huge argument one night when I figured out that he had started an emotional affair with a friend of his.  He would be up all hours and sleep on the couch so that he could text her.  When I realized this we talked and talked and decided that we wanted to work on our marriage.  We agreed to communicate and not stuff our problems down.  This was right around our 5th anniversary.  So everything seemed to get better.  Except that we were busy.  Due to his business failing my husband went back to school and had a full time job.  We didn't see much of each other.

A year and a half after the major fight happened is when is affair started.  He blames my "seeing him as a failure" and "not supporting him" as the reason for his affair.  BUT, I have tried to explain countless times that we made it past that and that he was supposed to communicate with me if he was unhappy and he didn't. 

It has been mind boggling to say the least.  Apparently he has convinced himself that I was a crap wife and I deserved what he did to me because of the way he sees the PAST...   He pretended to happy and told me he loved me every day throughout this affair. 

Here is the kicker... .He had decided to leave me and our three kids for the other woman.  She got very jealous when she found out I was pregnant with our third child and decided that she wanted a baby.  My husband agreed to father her child while we were still married and I didn't even know about the affair.  He was still pretending to happy with me.  He worked nights and I worked days... .so it was like we lived separate lives.

Anyway, the day arrived that he had promised her he was going to leave me and he did not do it.  So the other woman started talking to an old boyfriend.  They has sex a few times and my Husband found out, immediately dumping her.  I asked him why it was ok for HIM to have sex with me and HER but when he found out she had sex with someone else he couldn't handle it... he said he was not going to start playing mind games with her.  He never saw that it was the exact same thing he was doing to me.  He still doesn't.

So long story short, I found out about his affair shortly after he dumped the other woman because he was constantly in a rage... .yelling at me and the kids even though we had done nothing wrong.  I investigated and turned up the affair.  A couple weeks after I found out, the other woman called my husband and told him that she was pregnant.  She had the baby in January 2014.  We still do not know if the baby is his.  He refuses to acknowledge the situation because SHE cheated on him and feels like the baby is probably the other man's.  But this is him playing the victim... .poor thing... his mistress cheated on him.

Now he has done me the oh so beautiful favor of giving me a second chance... .he doesn't say that but that is how it feels.  I am so screwed up by all of this. 

Can anyone out there relate?  Does this sound like BPD?  He has not been diagnosed... but I see so much of him in what I have read about BPD. I am scared that he will hurt me again and also scared to leave.  I have three small children... Help?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

You have found the right place. 

It sounds like you have been through the ringer... .we can help you sort all of this out.

Are you guys in marriage counseling right now?  Have either of you ever been to an individual counselor or are you going now?

Please take some time and read "the lessons"... .look to the right of the web page... .

Hang in there... .

 

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, wifeinturmoil, & I'd like to join formflier in welcoming you (many times!) to this site. Your story is very sad and it tugs at my heart--pretty much the same thing happened to me: My Husband started a 2.5 year affair when we were barely married 11 years. We had 2 little boys, and for the first 1.5 years of it I was told (by him and his mistress) that it wasn't physical, but emotional--which was torturous enough, but not the whole truth.

For the last year of it I finally knew what I was dealing with, and then at least could make better decisions. Here is the book that helped me get started on turning things around for us: Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie.

I know that you may not feel that you are co-dependent with your Husband, and you may not feel that you have been trying to control him (the subtitle is "How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself", but believe me this has wonderful advice that is highly applicable to your situation if you haven't read it yet. This book gave me the insights I needed to shore up my self-esteem (a long-term affair by one's spouse can pretty much tear that to shreds!), and begin to think straight and make better decisions.

The things you are describing were told to me: I was at fault for his affair; I'd driven him to it; I'd "tricked" him into marrying me; he never loved me; etc. etc. etc. I can tell you that it was the most terrifying and debilitating 2.5 years of my life, and I lost my own self before I read that book and got myself back. Eventually, I was able to kick him out of the house (totally positive that we would end up divorced). He moved in with the mistress for 5 weeks, during which time he found out that he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and then left her and started wooing me again. We celebrated our 40th Anniversary early this year, and are happily married, though I do still have to deal with his BPD traits--and with the help of this site we are really doing well 

So... .right now you two are still together, but he is not taking responsibility for the affair? He still blames you for it? He is not remorseful in any way, and treating you poorly? You are still at your wits end, trying to piece this relationship together in an acceptable way? If these things are the case, then you are still in the situation I was in before my Husband left his mistress and came to his senses.

I suggest two things: please read the book I linked to above. And while waiting to receive it, do as formflier suggested, and check out every single link to the right-hand side of this page. And, at the top of the first page of this Board (right above the "sticky" threads and member threads) there are 4 photos: read all of the Feature Articles linked to, underneath those photos. The information will help you become empowered; without that, your husband may not get to the place where he will treat you better and understand his true role in all of this.

I do know that you can find your way out of this tangle of confusion and pain, wifeinturmoil, because I have been in your shoes and eventually made it out, and into a better, happier place. I really want you to find yourself again, and to be happy 

[MissyM]

Hi, wifein turmoil. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.  I am married to a dBPDh and a diagnosed sex addict. He acted out for about 1.5 years with other people. No one on this site can tell you if you are married to a BPD, NPD or just someone that is a cheater.  People that are deep in affairs have some behaviors that are similar to BPD, as do love addicts and sex addicts.  Codependent No More is a wonderful book.  I have quite a few resources for dealing with infidelity and feel free to PM me, if you would like any of those.  Know that his affair had nothing to do with you!  It is all about him and his  dysfunction.

[Mr. Solo]

wife,

Judging from what I have read countless times here and also from my personal experience with a BPD wife, they are very good at blaming others for their own behavior. Unfortunately, it seems it is usually directed at the person or persons whom are closest. They also will take a nugget of truth and rework history around it to make it seem like their conclusion is right and yours it wrong (and crazy). It is what they do. They are good at it.

From my personal experience, after I discovered my wife was having an affair, she blamed me. I caused it because I didn't work for three years and I let her and our kids down in the biggest way. What she failed to acknowledge was I had my dream job and she asked me to resign because I was having health problems and so I could be home with her all day, every day. She said it would be a dream. However, after she did the deed and cheated, she had to blame someone because the guilt or shame or whatever was overwhelming. It is a defense mechanism. So, she said I abandoned her and the kids for not working and she had been planning to leave for a long time anyways. She even called me a bum. The truth is, all I did was what she told me to do. We still had a good relationship when she cheated. We still had a good relationship from the time she started cheating until I found out which was about a month and a half. THAT'S when her bizzaro-personality appeared. Eventually she had me really wondering if I caused or not. She almost had me convinced.

I didn't cause it. BPDs are extremely emotional. She put herself in a bad situation by getting in a car with a lesbian who had expressed interest in her and smoking pot for the first time in her life. The lesbian made a move on her after they had smoked and that was all she wrote. My wife, a month and a half later was telling me she was a lesbian and always wanted to be a lesbian and would only stay married to me if I let her be with her girlfriend when she wanted. It was a mess from that point forward. According to her, despite what others who know us say, I caused it ALL. And eventually she even went back through our marriage history and picked it apart and made it all something terrible. So, that's what they do. Don't let him take what you know away from you. I am sure others can give better advice but that's my two cents worth. Don't let him make you think you are crazy. Your reality is most likely the more accurate reality.

[wifeinturmoil]

Thank you Formflier!

We are in marriage counseling and have been since June of 2013, which was two months after I found out about the affair.  It seems that we go through the same viscious cycle in marriage counseling.  He does not want to talk about the affair, or as he calls it, relive the past.  He wants to move forward and live in the moment.  The affair discussion causes him shame and pain.  Everything is about avoiding HIS pain... .he sees none of my pain.  He tells the marriage counselor in one breath that he takes full responsibility for the affair but in the next, starts listing all of the terrible ways that I treated him.  He has completely rewritten the history of our marriage.

I am in individual counseling with our marriage counselor.  He is also in individual counseling with a therapist that our marriage counselor recommended.  He has only been seeing his counselor for about 6 months.  My counselor has told me before that she sees NPD traits in him.   I went to see his counselor once without my husband and HIS counselor told me that he sees bipolar traits.  I read up on both of those PDs and while there is some truth to both, when I found BPD and read symptoms I immediately thought... that has got to be it.

Last week, me, my husband, and both counselors met in one room and I think they both are seeing more and more through his facade.  No one has mentioned the possibility of BPD to my husband.

[wifeinturmoil]

Hi rapt Reader... I really appreciate your response.  Our situations do sound very similar.

We are still together.  He is not remorseful.  He has said that he is sorry that he hurt me... but there really isn't any emotion in his apologies.  I don't see remorse in his actions.  He is defensive and does not do anything really to help me get past the triggers of the affair. 

He has done a lot of the physical things that I have asked him to since the affair, like switched from working nights to days. He lets me know where he is on his days off, I have all of his passwords, his phone is available to me whenever I want to look at it.  But the moment I bring up anything at all to do with the affair he immediately nosedives into a shame spiral and starts blaming me.  He has said some really hurtful, awful things to me about how wonderful his affair partner was during these times, which I am starting to think is a manipulation tactic to keep me from bringing it up.  If I don't bring up the affair he treats me fine... .not special or anything but we have fun... we can joke and laugh and have an ok life.  But I feel like I am not dealing with MY issues related to the affair if I let him blame me and leave it at that... .It sucks and it hurts so bad.  I am starting to realize that I can't make him see the truth though and it is frustrating beyond anything I have ever felt before.

Thanks for the book recommendation I am ordering it right now.

[MissyM]

Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair? The MC assigned this to my dBPDh, even though he was a diagnosed sex addict.  It was an eye opening book for both of us.  As for whether your husband has BPD or NPD, my dBPDh was told he was NPD by therapists that didn't have the qualifications to diagnose a PD. When he took the correct testing, it showed BPD with NPD traits.  Axis II diagnoses have some crossover symptoms. Has he been given any tests to diagnose him or are they just going by symptoms?   Either way, the lessons here are very helpful and so are the people.

[formflier]

 

I wouldn't worry about them "bringing up BPD"... .focus more on the trait... .less on the label.

Again... I'm glad you found us... .

[Cat Familiar]

My ex-husband had a years-long affair with a woman I thought was "our" friend. I had no clue until one day when we were visiting her and her roommate and I saw her seductively drop her towel after finishing a shower and give him a "come hither" look. She didn't realize that I could see her from the living room. This was shortly after college.

These behaviors continued throughout our marriage, culminating in him having numerous one night stands and visiting prostitutes (both which he confessed later).

He made all this my fault because I wasn't having enough sex with him. Not only was he a sex addict, I now realize he was an undiagnosed BPD.

As crazy and unstable as our life was with his extreme moods, irrational anger and unstable financial decisions, I had no sense of trust in him, and therefore little desire for him.

It's very wounding and heartbreaking when the person you've entrusted with your love and your life can lead a secretive life and betray you. I'm glad you've found this site and through reading about BPD and codependency can give yourself more strategies to cope.

[Mr. Solo]

My ex-husband had a years-long affair with a woman I thought was "our" friend. I had no clue until one day when we were visiting her and her roommate and I saw her seductively drop her towel after finishing a shower and give him a "come hither" look. She didn't realize that I could see her from the living room. This was shortly after college.

These behaviors continued throughout our marriage, culminating in him having numerous one night stands and visiting prostitutes (both which he confessed later).

He made all this my fault because I wasn't having enough sex with him. Not only was he a sex addict, I now realize he was an undiagnosed BPD.

As crazy and unstable as our life was with his extreme moods, irrational anger and unstable financial decisions, I had no sense of trust in him, and therefore little desire for him.

It's very wounding and heartbreaking when the person you've entrusted with your love and your life can lead a secretive life and betray you. I'm glad you've found this site and through reading about BPD and codependency can give yourself more strategies to cope.

I caught my wife's girlfriend, whom I thought was a friend, seductively rubbing my wife's arm while they were "studying" on our couch. Of course, my wife tried to say I was imagining things. When I wouldn't back down, she said, "What am I supposed to do if she does that? She's a lesbian! I don't have any control over what she does." Ugh.