Sick and tired of his paranoia... I'm losing hope and my love is fading away

[Indyan]

So here we are. BPD is signing a lease for a large studio flat this morning (so I learnt yesterday!).

Apparently I'm not being painted black anymore, and I guess the perspective of living ALONE 10 min drive from my place (he doesn't drive ) has helped dramatically in his sudden painting me back white.

But... .

I feel hopeless and exhausted.

When he talks, whether it's nice or not, I have this constant little voice in my head reminding me "it's all rubbish". I even told him so, that "he wants peace" (so he says) now, but in 2 weeks time or so he will hate me all over again.

I feel trapped in an endless cycle.

And, sadly, I have no joy seeing him anymore. The only positive emotion is that when he's relaxed (temporarily) with me and the kids, he's not sending me stressful mails or texts, or planning things with his lawyer.

When I see him, no matter what we do (even when he seems "normal", it's the sick man I see ONLY.

He's gone too far, he's too paranoid and victimized.

I told him last night that he cracked up in July when I asked him to see a doctor.

And that we don't stand a chance if he doesn't see one, still.

I've no idea if he'll see one.

I also told him that I was scared that my love was going - he said that made him sad.

But how can he expect me to love him AFTER ALL THIS?

He seems to have forgotten everything, I can't figure out whether he's lying or not.

He denies saying at MC one month ago that "I had forced him to have a baby" (I forced him in everything)... .

No way, I won't be able to trust him EVER AGAIN unless he seeks treatment and ADMITS that he was delirious all these months.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

I can see how frustrated and hurt you are feeling, Indyan 

Are you still interested in staying with him if possible?

Are you planning on waiting and seeing if anything changes with him, now that he has changed his living situation?

I can certainly understand your desire for him to make some changes in a positive direction before trusting him again; are there any changes you are thinking of making in yourself, as well? Maybe changing the way you look at his disorder, and the way you react to him? We have a Feature Article that can be reached by clicking on one of the photos at the top of the Staying Board (and at the following link): What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship, that I think would be relevant to your situation, Indyan... .



Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.

1). Maintaining routine and structure

2).Setting and maintain boundaries

3). Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times

4). Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

5). In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally

6). Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail

7). Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

And at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time.

Protection: Difficult things will likely happen in a BP relationship and it is important that you try to protect everyone (you, the BPD, the children) - financially, emotionally, etc.  Be prepared for digressions when they occur -  they will. This could range from controlling the bank accounts, to educating the children, to having a suicide threat plan.  You can mitigate some of the damage.

Preserve Your Emotional Health:  The intensity of emotional reactions, and the rage take a toll on even the strongest.  Since you cannot escape the natural human impulses to "recoil when raged" upon or "be overly protective" when idealized, it really important to have other outlets / escapes to keep yourself grounded. It's important not to become isolated. It's important to have a significant emotional support system for yourself (e.g., close friends) that goes beyond the relationship.

Understand Why: There are a many reasons to be in BP relationship or to try.  It's a deeply personal decision.  Sometimes the reasons are unhealthy- such as BPD/NPD relationships, BPD/Co-dependent relationship, etc.   It's important to understand your own emotional health and what motivates you to "stay in" and build a life that "evolves around" and has to "continually compensate for" the acts of a destructive person. Many professionals enter therapy when they are treating BPD to stay grounded.  It is a good idea for you too.



The whole Article (and all of the others that can be reached at the photos I mentioned), is really very good. I know you are exhausted by trying to "fix" this relationship, and at a breaking point (unless I am misreading you). I'm just throwing this information out there to see if you find any value in it for your own situation, Indyan 

[Indyan]

Thanks Rapt Reader, it's always a great support to read you.

What you quote is very relevant to the situation, and I'd just like to comment on this:


1). Maintaining routine and structure - I'm still in the house, with the kids... .

2). Setting and maintain boundaries - I told him I didn't want him to pay for the rent nor the bills, because he demanded that I justify every expense (!) and  "warned" that he would too declare what he pays for to the Benefits AGAIN... .I told him to contribute to food or whatever, but I wouldn't inform him of my budget (never did in the past btw, he couldn't deal with the budget AT ALL).

3). Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times - This is hard, because I don't trust him AT ALL anymore. But I allowed him still to spend some good time with the kids and me... .

4). Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums - I tried, but it's hard. He kept the key to the house for example, although I am paying now and he has his own appartment (no proof of this yet though).

5). In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally - Very hard, it's D10 who had to remind me that "he's too crazy to be talked too"... .

6). Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail - Yes, and I do hope that ending up alone in a small appartment, in a dull place near the station will help him get back to reality a bit!

7). Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

[Mr. Solo]

So here we are. BPD is signing a lease for a large studio flat this morning (so I learnt yesterday!).

Apparently I'm not being painted black anymore, and I guess the perspective of living ALONE 10 min drive from my place (he doesn't drive ) has helped dramatically in his sudden painting me back white.

But... .

I feel hopeless and exhausted.

When he talks, whether it's nice or not, I have this constant little voice in my head reminding me "it's all rubbish". I even told him so, that "he wants peace" (so he says) now, but in 2 weeks time or so he will hate me all over again.

I feel trapped in an endless cycle.

And, sadly, I have no joy seeing him anymore. The only positive emotion is that when he's relaxed (temporarily) with me and the kids, he's not sending me stressful mails or texts, or planning things with his lawyer.

When I see him, no matter what we do (even when he seems "normal", it's the sick man I see ONLY.

He's gone too far, he's too paranoid and victimized.

I told him last night that he cracked up in July when I asked him to see a doctor.

And that we don't stand a chance if he doesn't see one, still.

I've no idea if he'll see one.

I also told him that I was scared that my love was going - he said that made him sad.

But how can he expect me to love him AFTER ALL THIS?

He seems to have forgotten everything, I can't figure out whether he's lying or not.

He denies saying at MC one month ago that "I had forced him to have a baby" (I forced him in everything)... .

No way, I won't be able to trust him EVER AGAIN unless he seeks treatment and ADMITS that he was delirious all these months.

That's where I am at as well. For a while, every time I heard my text tone I cringed wondering what my wife was going to say now. Same thing when she called. But, yes, she has lied so many times about so many things, just saying she will work on it isn't good enough for me now. I need to see something tangible before I even begin thinking about trying. I cannot go back to dealing with what I dealt with again.

[Indyan]

I need to see something tangible before I even begin thinking about trying. I cannot go back to dealing with what I dealt with again.

Oh Gosh no, no more of that stress... .

I think he must have been surprised that I didn't make a move towards him... .no hugging, no kissing, no nothing.

And I won't unless he REALLY shows things will change.

Although now I have no hope left. Yes, ok, his emotions are back and he's showing some interest in us. But I'm even wondering whether is just acting for his own interest, scared of being alone in his new "home", and mainly hoping to see his baby whenever he wants to... .

He's betrayed me in all sorts of ways, especially by trusting his (horrible) family more than me, and by telling them lies about me (pretending I'm an abusive woman for example).

I'm not even sure he's a good person anymore.