I know something is wrong but I don't know what it is

[Aqua]

I'm very worried about my husband and our marriage. We've been together for 8 years and it's always been an emotional roller coaster. I have always considered him a difficult person and the relationship challenging, but I thought it would get better if I loved him enough. He had an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive childhood. His personality runs hot and cold and he has a quick temper. The list of triggers that annoy/hurt him is a mile long. I have tried very hard to manage him and take care of him without success. It's clear that he is desperately unhappy and has threatened to leave me on many occasions. I don't know if he has BPD traits, but when I watched the video on this site, I answered yes to a lot of the questions. He seems emotionally undeveloped, limited, extremely sensitive and easily hurt, full of pain, bitterness, and resentment. He is moody, irritable, and is emotionally abusive when he's hurt and angry. It is very difficult to have constructive discussions with him, as he usually gets angry and becomes hurtful. He denies and gets defensive if I "accuse" him of feeling any of these things. He seems he blames me for all his suffering and often contemplates leaving the relationship. He is not clingy or outwardly needy. He has always been a loner and very emotionally independent and prone to emotional withdrawal. He seems deeply ambivalent about being married and having a family; (we have a two year old son). He's very negative and easily stressed out by everyday things. He makes a big deal out of all the little things that bother him, but never seems excited or to enjoy anything. When he confesses or shows how deeply unhappy and hurt he is by all the things I've done: (not having sex with him enough, not making space for his shoes by the door, not putting my phone on silent when he's around, not taking care of a plant he gave me), I feel amazed that these things are enough to push him over the edge and consider ending the relationship. He says things to me like "It's all about you!" and that I'm inconsiderate and break promises. he seems to view conversations as verbal contracts. He sometimes acts normal and like everything's fine, and is nice to me, but I don't know if he's really unhappy all the time or not. He seems unable to answer this question. As soon as we "get into anything", he seems to lose all perspective and just feels pain, bitterness, and despair. It makes me question my own self awareness and emotional intelligence. His emotions, moods, and message can change rapidly in minutes and in one conversation. An open conversation last night, the first we've had in ages, went back and forth between constructive plans to make things better, and him saying he wants to leave me, minute by minute. He never seems sure of his feelings but they seem out of control and in danger of destroying our marriage. I just don't know what this is- marriage problems, depression, denial on my part, or BPD traits?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[orderline]

I can sense the horror on every line you wright.

It is clear you have boundaries and a healthy picture of what is "normal" and where you would like it to be.

I would recommend you acquire all the positive power you can find in your environment to protect yourself to become unaffected and happy.

It is hard to stay sound in the reality of a possible BPD. Just do not let "IT" get you the way it gets him. His problems are real for him but be selective to if they apply to you and concerns you.

State to your self where you stand and do not negotiate your values. Just stand where you are like a proud and loving tree. 

Worrying and entangling with this much negative burden is unhealthy. You are already the victim of threats and abuse and need a view of your self as protected and safeguarded.

No rudeness or counterattacks or long explanations for him to misunderstand.

Sending you 100kW hours of energy

[Aqua]

Thank you for your inspiring words. I definitely see that I can only work on myself and try to stop contributing to the problems. I love him and have great compassion for him, but I have to accept I cannot manage or fix him, and I have to take care of myself too.