Back again, this time for the long haul...

[cult]

This board has been a lifeline for me over various stages of my life, from working with BPDs, to my former partner experiencing a midlife crisis and displaying BPD behaviors, to now... .being married to someone new who if she is not BPD, does a textbook imitation of someone with this illness.

My wife and I have been together 1.5 years, married 4 months. Her previous partner told my wife that she believed her to have BPD and asked her to get help, and my wife's response was to end that relationship. I've never met this ex although I am oh so tempted to contact her and find out more. My wife is not specific with the details of this relationship. I know that it did not last long - under two years - and that since our marriage our own relationship has grown rockier.

My wife displays:

-irrational, furious bouts of anger during which she becomes verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. The physical abuse is directed against my two stepchildren (her biological kids). The verbal and emotional abuse is directed against me as well as the kids.

-Projection of her own behavior onto me ie; during a recent episode where she verbally eviscerated me for eating in our bedroom, accused me of emotionally abusing her

-Utter refusal to acknowledge that her behavior is a concern or to consider therapy

She is capable of moments of clarity where she acknowledges having a "temper" but is doing nothing to control it although I have begged her to do so. Her episodes of dysregulation occur far more frequently when we have the children in our care. She is not the custodial parent and we have the kids every two weeks. This weekend coming up is a "kid weekend" and I am bracing myself for what will probably be at least one bout of insanity. Last weekend she became physically abusive to the oldest child which triggered my own issues. We've just now returned to baseline in our relationship. My wife was physically abused by her own parent (she was raised by a single mother) and believes that it is OK for her to angrily slap her child in the face when she becomes enraged by his behavior. My stepson is now beginning to display concerning behaviors of his own including rage, aggression and depression. My wife is concerned about his deteriorating condition but is unable/unwilling to see how her treatment of him is playing a role.

As our relationship has progressed I am trying to take responsibility for myself and my reactions to her - that is where I am at right now. I need to learn how to set boundaries around her dysregulation so that I can stay regulated myself. When dysregulated my wife goes from 0-1000 in a few seconds, and says (spits is a better word) terribly hurtful, insulting and degrading things. I am sensitive and don't take this well. It usually ends up getting pretty ugly and I know my own mental health is deteriorating the more I get sucked in and begin to operate from her level rather than my own.

I am staying for now - but for everyone's sake I need to detach and remove myself from the environment when needed.

Thanks - I look forward to learning.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Oh, cult. I am so sorry to hear what your are going through with your wife. And I really don't like the physical abuse to her children - it triggers me too!

Okay, first, I am going to ask how your relationship is with your stepchildren and what ages they are. Would they trust you to leave with you if the situation merits it? Because honestly, the best thing you can do when someone is that enraged is to create immediate separation to prevent further damage being done.

My uBPDw has not physically struck my S9, but she has been incredibly verbally aggressive and abusive to him for a good part of his life. I relived a lot of my own childhood feelings of helplessness with a raging parent during these episodes, but I am at a point now where I will not allow her to attack him (or me) in this way. If my wife can't stop herself, I will give one attempt at validation and then take the boys (I also have a S3) and leave the house. It's the only way that I can ensure their protection, which is critical. It also keeps me from reacting back at her.

I know that formflier who is on this board may be able to help you as well. He ended up calling CPS when his wife became abusive to one of their children, but they are working things out now. What sorts of things can you do for yourself right now? It sounds like you know that your wife's behavior is conflicting with your emotional needs and values of safety. Do you feel that you can create a  boundary while still maintaining some connection/openness to your wife when she dysregulates?

Keep posting. We can support you as you go through this.   

[Grey Kitty]

Welcome back to staying!

Abusing children is completely unacceptable. End of statement. You may not have it in you to stop it, but do not believe her assertions that it is OK. I'd also add that verbal and emotional abuse of an adult is completely unacceptable as well.

Stopping it isn't easy.   

Do you have a significant r/s with her stepchildren directly?

I know that intervening when she's abusing her children is a very tough and risky situation. I'm guessing  you cannot stop her ... .and trying brings out more dysregulation.

I would recommend you think about what your limits are--abuse can tend toward escalation over time. Think about what is required for you to involve the police or CPS.

I remember several times where my wife was out of control. (Usually self-injury, nearly suicidal) I had my cell phone in my hand with 9-1-1 dialed (hadn't hit send) and told her that if she didn't stop immediately, I would hit send and get help.

I COMPLETELY meant it at the time. She did back down. Don't try this unless you are sure you ARE ready to do it. Think about your limits.

[cult]

Thanks for the replies. You are correct in that the physical abuse against the children is the most concerning behavior. I am an adult and I can freely choose whether to stay or go. The children do not have the same choice and must be protected.

I have a good relationship with my stepkids - in many ways it's better than their relationship with my wife. I am sure that if they had an opportunity to leave a situation with me, they would choose to do so. The barrier is that I am operating from a place of fear (pretty much in general; it's something I'm working on!) and basically am afraid of what my wife would say or do if I was to take the kids and leave, even if only for 10-15 minutes.

I know that I need boundaries and limits that I can enforce consistently should that be necessary. Last night I tried to open a conversation with my wife around what she would want me to do if she became dysregulated over the weekend, since she typically loses control of herself most intensely when the kids are around. She became agitated and turned it around on me, asking me what I would want her to do if I became dysregulated. She didn't lose control of herself, but her voice tone was raised and she was clearly upset that I was asking her this. I answered her question honestly but never got an answer from her. So that just underscores for me that I am dealing with someone who a) may have BPD (or at least demonstrates many of the traits) and b) is not willing to work on herself in this way. Which leaves it on my plate to do what I need to do for myself and YES, also for the kids.

I have a cordial relationship with my wife's ex-husband and that opens the door to communication as well. He is aware that she hits the kids. I don't know if he ever addressed it with her, either during their marriage or after.

I mentioned earlier that the oldest child, who is generally her target, is having serious problems in school and in general. It's possible that he will start therapy soon. I hope that he does for his sake and also for the possibility that my wife might really begin to address how her behavior affects others.

But in the meantime I need to learn how to take care of me. Added to all of the strain in my marriage is the fact that I am undergoing tests to see if I may have breast cancer. It will be another few weeks before we know for sure, and if I do have it, we've caught it very early and I should be just fine after treatment. Even so it's a lot to deal with but at the same time it helps me to focus more on myself and what I need to do to be healthy physically as well as emotionally (not that the two aren't intimately intertwined!).

My plan for the weekend is that if she becomes dysregulated and starts to lose it, I will validate once and then leave the environment for about 10 minutes. I will allow the kids to accompany me at their discretion. That is where I will start.

Have a good day everyone

[Grey Kitty]

Last night I tried to open a conversation with my wife around what she would want me to do if she became dysregulated over the weekend, since she typically loses control of herself most intensely when the kids are around. She became agitated and turned it around on me, asking me what I would want her to do if I became dysregulated. She didn't lose control of herself, but her voice tone was raised and she was clearly upset that I was asking her this. I answered her question honestly but never got an answer from her. So that just underscores for me that I am dealing with someone who a) may have BPD (or at least demonstrates many of the traits) and b) is not willing to work on herself in this way. Which leaves it on my plate to do what I need to do for myself and YES, also for the kids.

She just proved that there is nothing for you to gain negotiating your boundaries. You enforce them; she has no say in the matter. That gives you a lot of power. This is why you only use boundaries to protect your own core values.

You are getting this one!

This plan sounds great!

My plan for the weekend is that if she becomes dysregulated and starts to lose it, I will validate once and then leave the environment for about 10 minutes. I will allow the kids to accompany me at their discretion.

I've got two refining suggestions:

1. Plan on 15~20 minutes. 10 minutes probably isn't long enough for the adrenaline reaction to pass through a person's system.

2. A pwBPD's fear of abandonment is real, and when you leave, this triggers it. This is her problem, not yours... .but you can still try a bonus step to manage it. Here's how:

At departure, say something like "I'm going to (the store for an ice cream cone, a walk around the block, whatever). I'll be back in 20 minutes." And add the part about inviting the stepkids as well.

By stating you will return, you ease the fear of abandonment. By making that commitment to return, and honoring it, you build trust. Be specific, and be on time. If you say "soon" or "when I cool down" or (BAD, invalidating option!) "when you calm down", you open yourself up for a fight over what "soon" meant.

You didn't promise to come back and listen to verbal abuse. You said you would return. That is all you have to honor. If you find dysregulation still in force, and are immediately attacked, time to go away again. You can do the same thing again. I'd recommend doing it for longer, say 2 hours, or overnight.

[cult]

Thanks Grey! I will try these techniques this weekend if necessary! I'll post back with how it goes either way!

[takingandsending]

That's the right attitude, cult! You can do this. 

And it is so important for you, the kids and your wife that you do it. The pwBPD pushes into everyone's boundaries because they are desperately trying to find their own boundary of a poorly identified self. It pisses them off when you have a boundary, but it helps ... .if it is consistent, direct and not shaming.   

[waverider]

It is difficult you are stuck with the fear of escalation if you impose early, you hope that if you distract /negotiate you can defuse, but that doesn't work so it escalates, at the same time you start to panic and you become confused as to whether you are helping or inflaming it.

Its like watching a car roll over a cliff and wondering if it will/maybe it wont/ if I try to stop it I will go over with it. Than its too late its gone. You blame yourself.  The truth is you didn't have the tools or sense of timing as to how to effectively stop it.

Having a plan then you can effect it early and calmly without doubting yourself, that is the key.