Couples counseling tonight. I'm nervous.

[frizz]

We are starting counseling again tonight with a new counselor who specializes in BPD. I'm scared. We have been episode-free for almost two months now, and our last experience with counseling was absolutely horrific.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

Our marital therapist that deals with BPD has been an absolutely different experience than any other therapist we had.  She handles my dBPDh in a way no other therapist has.

[takingandsending]

Frizz,

I have to agree with Missy M. My uBPDw and I see an MC who told me of my wife's BPD. She has experience and history in DBT and working with BPD. She has a really nice touch with my wife, very validating, yet also encouraging her to explore her abandonment, fears and dynamics.

It is weird though, both the MC and I knowing the behaviors and my wife, by and large, unaware. Still, when I am there, I focus on the RS, not BPD. I think that's how you have to approach it. What is okay for you to give? Where can you validate? What do you need?

Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

[frizz]

You guys are so supportive, thank you. I really like the idea of focusing on the RS and not BPD. That's what I was trying to do last time, but the counselors we have seen in the past have been inexperienced, so they were convinced I was abusive and were trying to help me with problems my BPDgf had invented in her devaluation periods. Then they were flabbergasted and speechless once BPDgf got more comfortable and let it all loose toward the end, hah. What a disaster.

Today's session was very, very different. It went well for me, but it didn't go well for my BPDgf. BPDgf opened with how terrible I treat her (I leave the house when she starts to rage), and the counselor stopped her in her tracks, asked her about her feelings when that happens, and showed her how to apply DBT skills in that situation. Handled. Clear-cut, done.

BPDgf is very familiar with DBT and has been seeing a therapist at this same office for a couple years now, though I couldn't tell you why -- she doesn't apply the skills she learns there once she passes through the door. Counselor straight up asked her if she knew her tools. Then she asked if she was using them at home. BPDgf had had enough within about 10 minutes and completely shut down. It hurt me to see that. I know she felt terrible.

On my end? I've got an individual appointment with this therapist next week. I've read so much about DBT but have never seen anything like what I saw tonight. I can learn a lot from her for my own sake.

[takingandsending]

I feel for you and your wife, frizz. My wife initially often felt that the MC and I were ganging up on her, and the she was being put on the spot. It's got better since our conflict in the house has reduced and she has been seeing the EMDR therapist and a life coach. Still, the MC session is a great time to practice your communication skills like SET, as the MC will recognize it and back you up. I also felt bad for my wife. I could see her intense discomfort as the avenues for her to run away from herself were closed off. Keep with it. It sounds promising. 

[MissyM]

Then she asked if she was using them at home. BPDgf had had enough within about 10 minutes and completely shut down. It hurt me to see that. I know she felt terrible.

Did the MC validate that your BPDgf was shut down?  Ours just tells my dBPDh that she can see he has shut down and asks him how he is feeling.  She noted this week that he becomes dysregulated during therapy sometimes but seems to work it out after he leaves MC. He is able to spend some time and think about what is said, discuss it with his sponsor and individual therapist.  Then he can see the point that is being made and incorporate the things we talk about.

[kentavr3]

I had 6 sessions with my uBPDw. 3 sessions straight she has been blaming me for everything.  I didn’t interrupt her. Therapist wasn’t specialized on BPD. On the first 2 sessions therapist almost trusted her that I was a villain for 9 years of marriage. On the third session, I started talking. None conflict talking. Finally therapist saw her game and asked both of us if we could change for some problems. I said yes. My wife said that she was perfect and not going to change. Very typical response and feelings of BPD. Rest of the sessions my wife kept talking and blaming. Therapist started mirroring her and mentioned very strong her defensive mechanism. In the beginning of 6 session my wife said that she is not going to continue. Unfortunately, even having this evidence, therapist didn’t tell about BPD. Therapist was family therapist. She didn’t see continuous blaming, perfectionism, making past as black and white, demonizing me, mentioning her abusive mom and childhood, sexual abuse that happened when my wife was 20 years old ( sexual abuse complicated a situation). Accordingly with a book “ I hate you don’t leave me”, 90 % of BPDs stops their sessions when therapist stops playing their games and 50% leaves mental health hospitalization. You have to find a good reputation specialist on BPD. Over wise you will get waste of money (unless insurance pays for this) and time. Be ready to let BPD talk, don’t interrupt. Remember, that blames aren’t always to you. Do not accept them personally.   You are just a screen , may be not a perfect screen, but a screen for BPD’s problems.

[takingandsending]

Frizz,

I think the thing is, don't go for your own validation. See an individual T for that, or try to get that from close friends or family ... .or here! 

Go into the MC sessions with the intent of learning your role in the dance, how and what you can do to bring the level of conflict down. And recognize that you can't control your gf's intentions. Let that play out and see if you can learn, with that mediator, to see her more clearly (more detached, really). This may help you to have more empathy as she goes through it when you are together without that mediator.

Wishing you best of luck and keep posting.