The trust has gone

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am more cautious and vigilant. I am not so quick to believe things she says; especially if they contradict her actions.

Trying to be patient like I used to be.

Trying to muster some self-esteem after reading so much here and seeing I am not crazy.

Trying to get back my life.

Trying to anticipate her actions and behavior.

Trying to protect the kids from her BPD stuff.

Not so quick to rush back in and be recycled after reading things around here. Coming to the realizations she is never going to be who she was before she really BPDed big time. Slowly withdrawing from her life.

Want to work things out but I know now I CANNOT go back to anything close to how it was the last four years. And so on.

Wow, I'm EXACTLY at the same stage as you are... .

It's hard though, and confusing. The trust has gone, like you I don't trust ANYTHING he says. They're just beautiful words, like music. But ACTIONS speak louder as we say, and his actions were NOT positive ones (moving out, seeking lawyers, writing letters to the landlord and benefits etc).

These people are truly SICK and need TREATMENT.

IMO, no improvement to be expected without a serious medical kick.

[Indyan]

I am more cautious and vigilant. I am not so quick to believe things she says; especially if they contradict her actions.

Trying to be patient like I used to be.

Trying to muster some self-esteem after reading so much here and seeing I am not crazy.

Trying to get back my life.

Trying to anticipate her actions and behavior.

Trying to protect the kids from her BPD stuff.

Not so quick to rush back in and be recycled after reading things around here. Coming to the realizations she is never going to be who she was before she really BPDed big time. Slowly withdrawing from her life.

Want to work things out but I know now I CANNOT go back to anything close to how it was the last four years. And so on.

Wow, I'm EXACTLY at the same stage as you are... .

It's hard though, and confusing. The trust has gone, like you I don't trust ANYTHING he says. They're just beautiful words, like music. But ACTIONS speak louder as we say, and his actions were NOT positive ones (moving out, seeking lawyers, writing letters to the landlord and benefits etc).

These people are truly SICK and need TREATMENT.

IMO, no improvement to be expected without a serious medical kick.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

These people are truly SICK and need TREATMENT.

IMO, no improvement to be expected without a serious medical kick.

Well, I would certainly agree with you that some of our BPD loved ones definitely are "sick" with their disorders, and without medical and/or psychological treatment they will never really have happy, fufilling lives.

But in actuality, not all of them would be considered "sick" and some can learn from our communication efforts, and even on their own once they realize that their troubles can be alleviated through mindfulness and other ways of thinking.

For example, my son (now 37) was heading for tragedy--and actually a tragedy of sorts landed him in the Psych Ward for Suicidal Ideation--which then led to the Dual Diagnosis Program that saved his life and treated his BPD. He is continuing multiple treatments, as well as on a few meds to help him in his recovery. And he is really doing well: clean and sober for almost 20 months now, and in remission for his BPD.

Now, my Husband, who has BPD traits, has watched my son's decline and then recovery, and has learned from my son and me all about BPD and how to control it, just by asking us questions and watching us interact. He doesn't realize that I actually "use" the communication tools and techniques on him, as well as my son, but he does respond just as well.

And he now uses these tools with my son (who uses them with my Husband   ), and is getting better all the time at controlling his emotions. He is aware that he's like his Mother (who is definitely undiagnosed BPD) and has some "fleas" due to being brought up by her, but would never call himself BPD like her. And he's not "sick" in any way that I can see, and he's doing well with no formal treatment or meds.

So, we do need to be careful not to overgeneralize about our loved ones with BPD, or BPD traits. They are still people, and all people are unique... .some have emotions that are harder to control than others, but no one is perfect. And everyone can stand some positive changes in their way of interacting with other people. Even people without BPD traits (like me   ).

[Indyan]

So, we do need to be careful not to overgeneralize about our loved ones with BPD, or BPD traits. They are still people, and all people are unique... .some have emotions that are harder to control than others, but no one is perfect. And everyone can stand some positive changes in their way of interacting with other people. Even people without BPD traits (like me   ).

Not sure I agree here Rapt.

BPD is a DISORDER of the mind, and potentially as severe as Bipolar for example.

It' NOT "just" about controlling emotions, as you surely know.

Then, the boundary between BPD and other disorders (bipolar, schizophrenic, STPD... .) is not clear, and I agree that there are "degrees" in the disorder, as some people can be psychotic every now and then (my BPD) and other will never be... .

[Rapt Reader]

Not sure I agree here Rapt.

BPD is a DISORDER of the mind, and potentially as severe as Bipolar for example.

It' NOT "just" about controlling emotions, as you surely know.

Where we most likely disagree, Indyan, is that I don't see "BPD" when I see my loved ones afflicted with those symptoms and behaviors. I see people I love who have trouble separating their emotions from fact; they feel a certain (negative) way, and react immediately as though their emotions are fact, and then get dysregulated. I don't see them as "sick" or doing things for manipulative reasons. I see them as needing help regulating their feelings and learning to not react as though their feelings are indicative of the truth of the situation. I do believe that their minds work differently than someone without a disorder; not that they are trying to cause me pain on purpose.

Then, the boundary between BPD and other disorders (bipolar, schizophrenic, STPD... .) is not clear, and I agree that there are "degrees" in the disorder, as some people can be psychotic every now and then (my BPD) and other will never be... .

And here we do agree 

Since there are degrees in the disorder, and those degrees affect each specific, unique person in specific, unique ways, then we really can't just generalize everyone with BPD or BPD traits as "sick and needing treatment" in order for their lives to improve. Looking at someone as "SICK" really can color our perceptions and reactions and dealings with that person, which can actually make that relationship worse. Our own part in the relationship is very important, and our attitudes can make things better, or not better... .

[Indyan]

Then, the boundary between BPD and other disorders (bipolar, schizophrenic, STPD... .) is not clear, and I agree that there are "degrees" in the disorder, as some people can be psychotic every now and then (my BPD) and other will never be... .

I guess my "BPD" (who is either not BPD or is "extreme BPD" according to T) is too "crazy" and I'm too fed up to not see this constantly, whatever he says or does. His paranoia, especially, gets on my nerves 

[Mutt]

Then, the boundary between BPD and other disorders (bipolar, schizophrenic, STPD... .) is not clear, and I agree that there are "degrees" in the disorder, as some people can be psychotic every now and then (my BPD) and other will never be... .

I guess my "BPD" (who is either not BPD or is "extreme BPD" according to T) is too "crazy" and I'm too fed up to not see this constantly, whatever he says or does. His paranoia, especially, gets on my nerves  

Indyan,

Have you given consideration to radically accept your H for the person that he is? Irregardless of details, severity of his disorder, what type of cluster-B personality disorder? What difference does this truly make? It's splitting hair.

You say he has paranoia and it grates on your nerves. His paranoia. A goal could be to become indifferent and to learn to de-personalize this behavior.

[Indyan]

You say he has paranoia and it grates on your nerves. His paranoia. A goal could be to become indifferent and to learn to de-personalize this behavior.

I do try to depersonnalize but it's hard. For example, seeing him with his recording device in his pocket "in case he needs it" (against me) leaves me stunned. I still managed to spend some time together and relax... .

But I can't help feeling like shaking him shouting "Come back to reason!"

The problem is that he ACCUSES me of everything that's gone wrong, he lies, twists the facts in a mad way... .

My feelings towards him are getting worse and worse... .  :'(

[Mutt]

For example, seeing him with his recording device in his pocket "in case he needs it" (against me) leaves me stunned.

I understand it's difficult Indyan and unfortunately there's no magic pill. It requires work and effort and you can get to indifference in time.

My wife threatened me many times. Let's take the recording device for example. It can be viewed as controlling, on the other hand what do you think it symbolizes when he says "in case he needs it"? I'll give you a hint. It's a behavior you can depersonalize. One of the big 3 in borderline personality disorder behaviors. 

[Indyan]

I understand it's difficult Indyan and unfortunately there's no magic pill. 

Neuroleptics? 

Let's take the recording device for example. It can be viewed as controlling, on the other hand what do you think it symbolizes when he says "in case he needs it"? I'll give you a hint. It's a behavior you can depersonalize. One of the big 3 in borderline personality disorder behaviors. 

I'm not inspired 

He said "in case" because we weren't talking about anything personnal. But as soon as we (I) try to talk about US, he takes the device and goes on repeating "leave me alone, you're harrassing me, I'm asking you to leave me alone... ."   

[Mutt]

he takes the device and goes on repeating "leave me alone, you're harrassing me, I'm asking you to leave me alone... ."  

I'll take this as an answer. He's projecting. A choice is to depersonalize by becoming familiar with the disorder and understanding that it's not personal. He's projecting because he's attributing a negative action or feeling on someone else. You know that you're not really harassing him. If he keeps repeating it he's triggered. Was he dysregulated?

[Indyan]

You know that you're not really harassing him. If he keeps repeating it he's triggered. Was he dysregulated?

Yes I know, it's just the feeling of injustice has become unbearable... .

Dysregulated... .oh yes, he's been acting weird since July. That's what "worries" my therapist, he finds the "dysregulation" very long indeed.

[Mutt]

You know that you're not really harassing him. If he keeps repeating it he's triggered. Was he dysregulated?

Yes I know, it's just the feeling of injustice has become unbearable... .

Dysregulated... .oh yes, he's been acting weird since July. That's what "worries" my therapist, he finds the "dysregulation" very long indeed.

I understand feeling injustice and lack of trust Indyan and it's difficult. The dysregulations are because you are triggering each other. To make this more peaceful someone has to make the first step.

The first step is always the hardest.

He's suffering from mental illness and a choice for you can be to radically accept that he is mentally ill and then start the work on yourself.

A lose-lose situation then becomes win-win.

[MissyM]

Well, for me the recording would be something I would have no issue with.  My responses being recorded wold only help me.   Like, oh I see you are dysregulated.  We can try and talk when you are not so dysregulated.  If you do not respond and allow yourself to be pulled into his insanity, then all that will show on a recording is HIS insanity.  For legal reasons, thinking child custody issues, having a recording device can be a good thing.

I kind of agree with you in the illness area.  I believe my dBPDh is mentally ill, that is what a PD is - mental illness.  There is sometimes more of a biological component with some BPDs, than with others.  My dBPDh is not functional without meds.  This has been true the entire time I have known him, he has been on one antidepressant or another for more than 25 years.  This gives me compassion towards him, not in an he is less than me kind of way.  I am also a big proponent of treatment and tend to think that those that respond drastically to changes in our behavior and boundaries have BPD traits and not full on BPD (and definitely not bipolar or severe depression).  Because there are people on here with a myriad of issues, I tend to believe that the diagnosis needs to be left up to professionals.  What this board does is helps us change the way we interact with someone with BPD, this will create a shift and for us it has been a shift towards us being on the same team.  I am not trying to fix my dBPDh but I am on his side.

[Loosestrife]

I can relate to the trust being gone. I decided to give it one last try with my BPD and although they are trying to control their behaviour, all the nice things they say to me feel unreal. It kind of drifts over me like music. I'm not sure how to get the trust back or if we can ever live together again as I will always worry if they dysregulate. I can't go through another tough patch again ever. Last time it was so bad I swore it was the last time.

[Mutt]

What this board does is helps us change the way we interact with someone with BPD, this will create a shift and for us it has been a shift towards us being on the same team.  I am not trying to fix my dBPDh but I am on his side.

Ground zero.

Indyan,

It's letting go of the notion that change comes from someone else. Change comes from you. Once you change everything changes.

This can be your ground zero.

[Indyan]

I can relate to the trust being gone. I decided to give it one last try with my BPD and although they are trying to control their behaviour, all the nice things they say to me feel unreal. It kind of drifts over me like music. I'm not sure how to get the trust back or if we can ever live together again as I will always worry if they dysregulate. I can't go through another tough patch again ever. Last time it was so bad I swore it was the last time.

Oh God, how much I can relate to this 

[Indyan]

Ground zero.

Indyan,

It's letting go of the notion that change comes from someone else. Change comes from you. Once you change everything changes.

This can be your ground zero.

Believe me, I have.

I've done all the "lessons"... .I have survived this chaos... .and still managed to act in an open and friendly manner most of the time.

But I'm sick of it, very sick of it.

I have worked to come out of FOG - and it worked.

I ignored his provocations, joined an association for mentally ill people's families, I've been seeing a therapist for myself etc.

It worked, I guess, since he's not black painting me anymore.

It's just... .I've lost my joy in the process, I've had so much to deal with, it's really hard.

At this stage, I can't tell whether I have love for him left, or only disgust, distrust.

I used to think that love couldn't go, that once I loved, I loved for ever... .but he did so much to destroy me, I've had months of anguish, loneliness and injustice. Chaos, real chaos.

[Mutt]

Believe me, I have.

I'm sorry. I don't buy it.

Dysregulated... .oh yes, he's been acting weird since July. That's what "worries" my therapist, he finds the "dysregulation" very long indeed.

He's dysregulated here for 5 months. You're triggering him.

[KateCat]

Indyan, I'm sorry you're having this disorienting experience. It sounds a lot like what I experienced before my husband was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

You may well not know what the heck is going on for a while, should this be something other than a personality disorder. Often different parties (spouse/friends/parents/co-workers) come to the slow realization that a person is developing schizophrenia independently and in different ways. If he should start sessions with a psychiatrist tomorrow, even, it would be a while before that professional could draw definitive conclusions.

You may feel some urgency to get him into treatment quickly. You probably don't have that power, and you probably already know that neuroleptics aren't quite "a magic pill." 

The advice on this board is solid, I think, no matter the eventual issue. Don't argue with him; don't challenge his reality. Don't personalize. And so on.

Your feelings are very natural, in my opinion. 

[Indyan]

I'm sorry. I don't buy it.

He's dysregulated here for 5 months. You're triggering him.

Why?

He's not staying with me anymore. He sent me threatening mails, I managed to not react and he stopped threatening me... .only to harm me behind my back by sending letters to benefits and landlord... .I still didn't react.

So, whether this is a consequence or not of my reactions, he's back to being nice, sending messages, making plans to spend time together. But all the while being paranoid and talking about his lawyer, recording me etc.

And he keeps accusing me.

I've never been so distressed in my life, with no money (because of his letters) and soon no house. I cry everyday and my D10 is seriously getting depressed, and he pretends to be the victim?

Sorry, but I can't accept this.

What's "triggering" him is to be a FATHER. He's on a crusade as he's convinced that I'm planning to run away with baby. It has become an obsession and nothing I could do or say will stop this.

[Indyan]

Indyan, I'm sorry you're having this disorienting experience. It sounds a lot like what I experienced before my husband was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

You may well not know what the heck is going on for a while, should this be something other than a personality disorder. Often different parties (spouse/friends/parents/co-workers) come to the slow realization that a person is developing schizophrenia independently and in different ways. If he should start sessions with a psychiatrist tomorrow, even, it would be a while before that professional could draw definitive conclusions.

You may feel some urgency to get him into treatment quickly. You probably don't have that power, and you probably already know that neuroleptics aren't quite "a magic pill." 

The advice on this board is solid, I think, no matter the eventual issue. Don't argue with him; don't challenge his reality. Don't personalize. And so on.

Your feelings are very natural, in my opinion. 

Thank you so much KateCat 

Could you tell a bit more about your experience?

I'm seeing a nurse from the psy center, and apparently (as he is thinking of going back to that centre) they will use the info I gave, which should accelerate things a little, I hope.

Meanwhile, I have to stop arguing with him COMPLETELY, which I managed totally while he was away all these weeks, but didn't when he invited himself for 4 days lately.

But I'm not sure what is part of his personality and what isn't. Can a PD explain the manipulations, cruelty, selfishness and so on?

[Mutt]

I'm sorry. I don't buy it.

He's dysregulated here for 5 months. You're triggering him.

Why?

He's not staying with me anymore. He sent me threatening mails, I managed to not react and he stopped threatening me... .only to harm me behind my back by sending letters to benefits and landlord... .I still didn't react.

So, whether this is a consequence or not of my reactions, he's back to being nice, sending messages, making plans to spend time together. But all the while being paranoid and talking about his lawyer, recording me etc.

And he keeps accusing me.

I've never been so distressed in my life, with no money (because of his letters) and soon no house. I cry everyday and my D10 is seriously getting depressed, and he pretends to be the victim?

Sorry, but I can't accept this.

What's "triggering" him is to be a FATHER. He's on a crusade as he's convinced that I'm planning to run away with baby. It has become an obsession and nothing I could do or say will stop this.

I'm sorry Indyan and I agree it is very distressing and difficult .

[KateCat]

I'll be back for a bit more explanation of my own story.

Quick question: Will your family be receiving services from professionals trained in the French tradition? Back in the day that I had some exposure to that tradition, it differed considerably from the North American branch.

[Indyan]

I'll be back for a bit more explanation of my own story.

Quick question: Will your family be receiving services from professionals trained in the French tradition? Back in the day that I had some exposure to that tradition, it differed considerably from the North American branch.

Well, I guess so. What do you mean?

[KateCat]

I'm thinking about the various "voices" and theories you may hear.

Before my husband was ever diagnosed, I was asked to do some translations of articles by French psychiatrists for English publication. Judging by their writings, there was a belief in France, at least as late as the 1990s, that a skilled psychoanalyst could literally save a person heading toward paranoid schizophrenia through intense use of the psychoanalytic method (talk therapy).

When my husband was subsequently diagnosed in the U.S., the treatment models were quite different. The drug model prevailed, with the idea that you try drug after drug (and combinations of drugs) until you see lessening of paranoid ideation.

I would be interested to hear what treatment models and beliefs are in France today, if you learn more as you proceed.

But, what I really hope for you, is that your partner is just experiencing a period of unusual stress (new father!) and that he regains his sense of emotional balance.

[JohnLove]

Hi Mutt and Indyan, we are all here to offer support and advice to each other. I have found Mutt's advice absolutely invaluable at times as I am certain others have when reading thought the threads.

Mutt was correct in suspecting that your situation was following a common theme in BPD, which is one where the non partner inadvertently triggers their BPD partner (completely unaware) with the resultant dysregulation... .and "months" is one hell of a long time for a BPD to dysregulate when they can change emotions on a dime when conditions are right.

You initially gave little information but your quick retort to Mutt soon sorted that out.  

If Mutt didn't take you to task we may not have arrived at the truth. Even with an honest apology for his mistake, this exercise was still helpful for you. For us all.

This situation for you is simply terrible... .for your BPD partner to undermine you in your life... .and with regard to your most basic essential needs such as a home and an income.  :'(

You say he has paranoia and it grates on your nerves. His paranoia. A goal could be to become indifferent and to learn to de-personalize this behavior.

I do try to depersonnalize but it's hard. For example, seeing him with his recording device in his pocket "in case he needs it" (against me) leaves me stunned. I still managed to spend some time together and relax... .

But I can't help feeling like shaking him shouting "Come back to reason!"

The problem is that he ACCUSES me of everything that's gone wrong, he lies, twists the facts in a mad way... .

My feelings towards him are getting worse and worse... . :'(

The depersonalisation suggestion may have not been unhelpful to you. I have also done the recording device thing. Except I am a non (with traits). The recording device thing is to "catch out" the lies, manipulations, twisting, gaslighting, etc. to prove to myself, that it is really happening. PwBPD can and do mess with your mind in unimaginable ways.

I believe the recording device thing in your with your BPD partner is for the same motives as mine were. He BELIEVES you are the one who is SO wrong and he just needs the "evidence" to prove it. Your BPD partner probably just wants to shake you so you can see his "truth" as well. Can you see the futility of the situation?.

I KNOW you have done things that are not helpful. At times we ALL have. Nobody is perfect and these relationships are a very imperfect struggle.

My take?. He is delusional. He may even be in psychosis. I have never known a dysregulation to go for months. I noticed your T shares these concerns. Your feelings towards your partner should be worse and worse. Your situation is becoming worse for whatever reason. I would be amazed if you could achieve anything positive with someone suffering that badly.

Indyan, you have done a lot. More than could be reasonably expected. This shows love and commitment. Does your pwBPD show you the same?. Do you expect that of him?. I feel that you are also self aware and aware of the specifics of your individual situation. I commend you for that. So much of the struggle with pwBPD is because we don't know what's happening or what's really going on. The realisation that being a father is the trigger is gold. This means that you do not need to take this burden on yourself. That your only "fault" is that you can have a baby.

Not arguing over anything is a great thing to do as a first step when you are in turmoil. It can almost be or seem impossible. But it's not... .because you can make it possible.

[Indyan]

Indyan, I'm sorry you're having this disorienting experience. It sounds a lot like what I experienced before my husband was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

Not sure I've said in this thread that T mentionned paranoid schizophrenia?

And in fact it all makes sense when I read the symptoms of it: no friends, crazy mood swings (before the BIG crisis), moments of lethargy and depression, ambivalent feelings, and then paranoia and persecution.

I'm surprised about what you said about talk therapy vs treatment as France is very much (too much... .) into medication. The whole thing (like everywhere I guess) is to get the person to go to a psychiatrist.

Johnlove thanks for your message 

[Ceruleanblue]

I can really feel the pain of doing all you know to do, and it still not being enough. I'm there right now. I purposely saw the same psychiatrist my husband did, just so he would stop trying to say I'm the "crazy" one. I didn't get diagnosed, but he did, but he won't quite tell me what he has. I was told I'm situationally depressed, and I got something for my panic attacks.

I recently went for a check in with him, told him I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my husband wants out, and the shrink told me that he thinks I've more than tried, and that it's on my husband if he wants to change. All without breaking Hippa, or sharing info, but I got the gist that as things stand, with my husband seeing the shrink on his T's recommendation, and even at the highest dose of meds, it isn't doing much good. People with PDs have to want to work on them. I think it's rare to just find a magic pill that cures all the symptoms. We read it sometimes, but more often, I think it's a combo of meds, and the Person with PD doing the work, having the "want to".

I'm now alone, scared, and wondering what I could have done differently. I stayed, told him we'd get through whatever his diagnosis was, I tried to radically accept him, but he just wanted out. I've been painted black by him for a couple years. It's ironic that I fought so hard to stay with someone who treated me so badly, doesn't seem to know or see the real me, and got no appreciation for that. He is admitting he treated me horribly, and he's trying to say he's leaving to "stop hurting me"... .but frankly, I just don't buy it.

[Indyan]

Hi Ceruleanblue, and thanks for sharing your experience.

How long has your husband been on meds? I've heard it may take weeks, or even months, before treatment kicks in.

Have you tried to contact an association for families of mentally ill people?

I was like you some weeks ago (really depressed, my GP wanted to prescribe me ADs, but I refused as I'm still nursing), and feeling alienated by BPDh's behaviour.

Contacting the local representant of that association has really helped me so much. I felt understood, supported, and they have resources (they liaise with doctors and can ask for medical files, they also provide some legal advice).

It seems that you don't have children with you husband? That's lucky, as obviously that is the hardest thing to deal with.

[Mutt]

He sent me threatening mails, I managed to not react and he stopped threatening me... .only to harm me behind my back by sending letters to benefits and landlord... .I still didn't react.

So, whether this is a consequence or not of my reactions, he's back to being nice, sending messages, making plans to spend time together. But all the while being paranoid and talking about his lawyer, recording me etc.

And he keeps accusing me.

Indyan,

We're all here to help each other.  That being said one persons experience sometimes helps another. One persons difficult experience helps another. I don't know the entire back story with your H and his history with doctors. I'm trying to help from an experience I had but this sounds like a smear campaign. A pwBPD may do this if they're feeling a lot of anxiety and stress and they don't like to feel bad and will devaluate you to others and project feelings and actions.

which is one where the non partner inadvertently triggers their BPD partner (completely unaware) with the resultant dysregulation... .and "months" is one hell of a long time for a BPD to dysregulate when they can change emotions on a dime when conditions are right.

I agree the non partner can inadvertently become a trigger. I can relate to this. I'm less triggering now because I've depersonalized her behaviors. I don't argue when she projects and I don't defend my reality. She's simply wired differently. What is BPD? An emotions based disorder. She feels emotions two thousand fold compared to myself.

Dysregulated... .oh yes, he's been acting weird since July. That's what "worries" my therapist, he finds the "dysregulation" very long indeed.

My take? Dissociative phase. It's possible that you're split black. The moments of niceness could be because he fears abandonment and doesn't have an attachment. My ex had an affair partner and was devaluating me terribly (dissociative phase) and I retaliated by arguing and fighting. I didn't understand at the time. I was making things worse. I was so confused with her niceness with wanting to go on dates with her H because she had a boyfriend. She wasn't sure about him yet, she lacks a sense of self.

I understand the chaos, distress, frustration and futility. Very difficult. I went through this.  Again, this is speculation and I could be wrong. I had become a trigger to my wife. You also mentioned paranoid schizophrenia, I had a friend with this mental illness and I understand how frustrating hallucinations and paranoia is. Fortunately meds helped him although he had other side effects. A PD is a little more difficult for a mental illness, it's a part of their personality.

Ground Zero if he's BPD and not paranoid schizophrenic.

--Mutt