need triage for new relationship

[whitebulldog]

I am the one with BPD traits--not my SO--but being the person w BPD is not an option for member type.

I was diagnosed in my 20's and am now in my late 40's. I thought I'd grown out of it but I'm finding myself acting out in a new, 12-week-old relationship. Prior to this I'd been single for a long time.

With my SO's full support, I'm looking into DBT and have contacted a past therapist to get meaningful help--and quickly, but in the meantime, I'm ruining our relationship. am in dire need of some QUICK tools/rules--something! we can use to manage this new relationship before I ruin it completely. I have already compromised it by:

1.  Snooping in his phone and on his Facebook page

2. Worrying OBSESSIVELY about him cheating on me and constantly badgering him about cheating on me

3. Not being able to manage my anxiety

4. Not being able to set boundaries, which results in me showing passive aggressive behavior

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[frizz]

Welcome to the site! I'm extremely impressed that you're reaching out like you are. You've owned the issues you wrote about, and that is insanely difficult. For anybody. That's personal stuff right there.

If only me and my SO had had a chance to set it all out on the table early on... .the things you mention are exactly what we go through. But there's hope.

1. Passwords. You can set passwords on your devices as well -- it's only fair -- but if he's got all his devices locked with a password, you won't be tempted. In our case, it was just too easy for her to hop on my PC and inevitably find something upsetting.

2. We still struggle with this, but it has gotten better. It took time to build some trust, which I think is the biggest thing. I also made it clear that questions about my female friends make me uncomfortable, and I stopped responding to the ones that come from jealousy. I had to make my own boundary on that, and I have to stick to it.

3. My SO is in therapy and on medication for anxiety. I honestly believe BPD is more related to an anxiety disorder than a personality disorder, and DBT and anxiety medications have been very useful for my SO.

4. Set some boundaries ahead of time. There is some good material on this site when it comes to how to define and set your boundaries that helped me a lot. As a non-BP, I actually have the very same struggle you do in this regard. Once I learned what boundaries I needed to set for myself and how to enforce them, I became a lot less of a jerk. The tools on this site really do help with this one.

This site is very welcoming, and there are a lot of very helpful and friendly people on here. But again, some of the things people write, especially in the forums, would be very unpleasant for a BP partner to read. My SO knows about this site but avoids it because it hurts her to read some of this stuff. Welcome, though. And good luck!

[whitebulldog]

Thanks Frizz,

Thanks for replying so quickly, I feel pretty desperate right now.

Your comments are helpful but of course those boundaries cause me anxiety (my lord!) We'll see what my guy says about them. Passwords are a no brainer, they should be in place. It took me a week to admit I could access one of his email accts from my laptop where he'd signed in, and to ask him to change his password. Sometimes I regret that I told him... .

We will comb the site more for resources and yes that trust building is key. On both sides. I have broken his trust and I feel horrid about it.

Re your SO avoiding the site, I can certainly understand it. It does it hurt to read about we BPD's--makes me feel like a troll--but I have to face this thing head on, I'm not a spring chicken. Plus I risk losing a special man.

thanks again for answering, it helps