Teenagers with Fleas

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My SO has an uBPDxw and two daughters.  D14 and D18 and in my opinion they both have picked up some  fleas (behaviors of their mother).

D14 plays the "I'm sick" game to stay home from school (avoid things) or get attention... .mom play's the "I'm sick" game to appear the victim (to avoid things) or get attention. (Waifish behavior)

D18 likes to manipulate (out smart) people to get what she wants and can be passive/aggressive or sometimes just plain mean... .mom likes to manipulate (out smart) people to get what she wants and can also be passive aggressive or just plain mean. (What is really sick is when mom and D18 do this to each other... .symbiotic manipulation) (Queenish behavior)

Both daughters recognize these behaviors in their mother but don't see the behaviors in themselves.  How do you make them aware there is an issue?  How do you help them unlearn these behaviors?

The other thing going on with them is that all of their close friends are coming from dysfunctional households (alcoholism, drug use, one friend abandoned by her dad).  I understand that the girls are more comfortable with others having issues because they can relate and I'm happy they have friends they can talk to and be honest with,  but I worry that they don't see many examples of more healthy families and peers. Part of the problem there is that because of their own slightly off behaviors and their mother's interference they don't connect with their "healthier" peers and those peers don't connect with them.

D14 is seeing a Therapist and D18 did up until she went away to college this year.  Dad and I set a good example but this has only been for the last few years.

Any suggestions on how to broach the subject of these concerning behaviors?  Or do we just let them figure it out on their own? Maybe with the younger daughter try to work on things through her therapist? How can we assist both girls fit in a little better and still be themselves? Or am I concerned about nothing?

Is anyone dealing with something similar?

Thanks in advance for your feedback.

Panda39

[Panda39]

My SO has an uBPDxw and two daughters.  D14 and D18 and in my opinion they both have picked up some  fleas (behaviors of their mother).

D14 plays the "I'm sick" game to stay home from school (avoid things) or get attention... .mom play's the "I'm sick" game to appear the victim (to avoid things) or get attention. (Waifish behavior)

D18 likes to manipulate (out smart) people to get what she wants and can be passive/aggressive or sometimes just plain mean... .mom likes to manipulate (out smart) people to get what she wants and can also be passive aggressive or just plain mean. (What is really sick is when mom and D18 do this to each other... .symbiotic manipulation) (Queenish behavior)

Both daughters recognize these behaviors in their mother but don't see the behaviors in themselves.  How do you make them aware there is an issue?  How do you help them unlearn these behaviors?

The other thing going on with them is that all of their close friends are coming from dysfunctional households (alcoholism, drug use, one friend abandoned by her dad).  I understand that the girls are more comfortable with others having issues because they can relate and I'm happy they have friends they can talk to and be honest with,  but I worry that they don't see many examples of more healthy families and peers. Part of the problem there is that because of their own slightly off behaviors and their mother's interference they don't connect with their "healthier" peers and those peers don't connect with them.

D14 is seeing a Therapist and D18 did up until she went away to college this year.  Dad and I set a good example but this has only been for the last few years.

Any suggestions on how to broach the subject of these concerning behaviors?  Or do we just let them figure it out on their own? Maybe with the younger daughter try to work on things through her therapist? How can we assist both girls fit in a little better and still be themselves? Or am I concerned about nothing?

Is anyone dealing with something similar?

Thanks in advance for your feedback.

Panda39

[SlyQQ]

Spookily similar except eldest 17 youngest 16. 17 is full blown BPD unfortunately an youngest remarkably far more manipulative than her sister ( eldest tends to use sledge hammer approach with cunning but not the finesse or smarts of her sister) Both in therapy Eldest for bipolar 1 co morbid and youngest little while ago ( deppression issues school refusal ) there exposure to there mum is limited ( eldest painted her pitch black for a while re established contact when it was my turn ( murky grey for me) yes there are sough of shades of black but my murky grey includes things like saying ill kill you an meaning it sigh. Only thing i can say is one they are teenagers     two though i am sloowly getting somewhere dont expect any real results     three if there are real BPD tendencies you will soon be dealing with real drug problems an probably where you should focus first way drugs here but limited and i think turned around lsd mmda in eldest youngest has only dabbled and belive no intersest there though both relatively heavily use mariujana and still lots of meth etc etc exposure from friends     

[DreamGirl]

We're all extensions of our parents -- the good, the bad, the big noses sometimes.  

We're all different though too. Sometimes we take some of that bad and learn from it. We say "I don't want to be like that."

So I'd be careful when it comes to assigning the similar behavior as a direct result of mom's parenting - experts suggest that we especially don't do this when there is no love lost with the former spouse. (i.e. ugh, she acts just like her mother) Because they are their mother's daughters and she'll be a part of who they become. The good, the bad, and whatever they do with that.

In essence, I'd address the behavior of the kiddo and not worry too much about them acting like their mom (who happens to suffer from a mental illness). This video is very helpful (I think every parent should see it, seriously) when it comes to deciphering between normal teenage behavior and the extreme teenage behavior seen in kids who struggle with BPD. It's very, very helpful to know the differences and to have the right kind of expectations in this:  https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2013/05/bpdfamily.html

D18 likes to manipulate (out smart) people to get what she wants and can be passive/aggressive or sometimes just plain mean... .

Do you have an example?

[Panda39]

SlyQQ,



I don't believe that either of my SO's daughter's has BPD but have learned some of their mother's behaviors.  Thankfully neither girl has any drug issues but that is always something to keep an eye out for with teens.

DreamGirl,

So I'd be careful when it comes to assigning the similar behavior as a direct result of mom's parenting - experts suggest that we especially don't do this when there is no love lost with the former spouse. (i.e. ugh, she acts just like her mother) Because they are their mother's daughters and she'll be a part of who they become. The good, the bad, and whatever they do with that.

I only speak of things in those terms here.  I certainly don't say anything to the kids about it.  They have some negative behaviors that I don't see their dad do and I do see mom do and because mom does them the girls think that's the way to go too.

D18 likes to manipulate (out smart) people to get what she wants and can be passive/aggressive or sometimes just plain mean... .

Do you have an example?

Falsely, complaining to a restaurant manager about poor service to get a comped meal.

Her dad did talk to her about that one and put her in the servers shoes... .how would you feel if someone lied about you?... .how would you feel if that person got fired because of your lie?... .You have family that own a restaurant how do you think they would feel loosing money to someone that lied about the service?... .

She did finally get the message.

Thank you both for responding.