How to deal with major dysregulation?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My recent story can be found here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235599.0;all

She did move out and of all the 14 days only slept at her new place twice.  The last two nights.  Both times because she was angry.

Wednesday night we had some dinner and a nice time.  We were talking about day to day things.  She said one of her friends is getting married this December.  I mentioned its so hot in December I wouldnt like a wedding then.  Then she said we would have been married by now.  (we were engaged but she broke it off before recycle).  As I am a joker with a sense of humour I replied with "ah we skipped marraige and went straight too divorce". (I now realise that was very invalidating.  But its tough not to be myself and make jokes).  That triggered and she starting getting upset.  I got up from the couch and said I dont want to argue tonight so I went to the kitchen to wash up.  She got up.  Stormed out and said she is going home.  It was late at night and raining and not very safe in the country I live in.  She got home safe but then blasted me with text to continue the arguement.  I replied "glad you are safe, hope you get a good nights rest x"

Two things changed here from previously.

1.  I got off the couch and didnt re-act when she started arguying.

2.  I didnt beg and plead her to stay the night.  I said good night and she must let me know when she is home safe.

This is a boudary I enforced and now I am getting the extinction burst.  She is sending abusive text while I'm at the hospital as my dad is in theater and not well at al. I asked her to respect that.  She did for two hours and then started again.  My other boundary is not to reply to relationship talk texts as Grey Kitty and everyone pointed out that validation cant be done.

She is now very upset and destructive.  I am unsure what to do next.  She is going to stay the weekend by me as all the dogs are there.  Here is what I think will happen. She will argue and fight as she is very dysregulated at the moment.  She tells me she is ANGRY.

Should I tell her not too come at all?  Or should I let her come but enforce my bounderies?

I need advice on which option is best if someone is already very dysregulated? 

Thank you.

[itgirl]

My recent story can be found here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235599.0;all

She did move out and of all the 14 days only slept at her new place twice.  The last two nights.  Both times because she was angry.

Wednesday night we had some dinner and a nice time.  We were talking about day to day things.  She said one of her friends is getting married this December.  I mentioned its so hot in December I wouldnt like a wedding then.  Then she said we would have been married by now.  (we were engaged but she broke it off before recycle).  As I am a joker with a sense of humour I replied with "ah we skipped marraige and went straight too divorce". (I now realise that was very invalidating.  But its tough not to be myself and make jokes).  That triggered and she starting getting upset.  I got up from the couch and said I dont want to argue tonight so I went to the kitchen to wash up.  She got up.  Stormed out and said she is going home.  It was late at night and raining and not very safe in the country I live in.  She got home safe but then blasted me with text to continue the arguement.  I replied "glad you are safe, hope you get a good nights rest x"

Two things changed here from previously.

1.  I got off the couch and didnt re-act when she started arguying.

2.  I didnt beg and plead her to stay the night.  I said good night and she must let me know when she is home safe.

This is a boudary I enforced and now I am getting the extinction burst.  She is sending abusive text while I'm at the hospital as my dad is in theater and not well at al. I asked her to respect that.  She did for two hours and then started again.  My other boundary is not to reply to relationship talk texts as Grey Kitty and everyone pointed out that validation cant be done.

She is now very upset and destructive.  I am unsure what to do next.  She is going to stay the weekend by me as all the dogs are there.  Here is what I think will happen. She will argue and fight as she is very dysregulated at the moment.  She tells me she is ANGRY.

Should I tell her not too come at all?  Or should I let her come but enforce my bounderies?

I need advice on which option is best if someone is already very dysregulated? 

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

  You did GREAT!

Does the result of having a night without fighting feel better to you?

As for your question: The best option is not being around somebody who is dysregulated.

You talk about wanting to validate her. This is a good skill and a good desire. This is the wrong time to use it. If she is dysregulated, she's going to be the least responsive to validation ever. Even the Mother Theresa or the Dalai Lama couldn't validate her out of it!


My suggestion: Make it about YOU, not about HER.

You sound afraid of seeing her this weekend.

Try this on for size:

Text her "I don't feel safe seeing you tomorrow. Please don't visit me at my home on Saturday."

If I recall correctly, she did move out, so this is YOUR place, not a shared home/apartment. She is welcome there on your invitation. She has no RIGHT to be there. And absolutely no right to subject you to a dysregulated rage. Anywhere.

If she gets off the dysregulation and brings up the dogs... .if they are joint dogs, not yours, and you feel safe doing so, offer her a chance to take the dogs to spend some time with them.

That's secondary to protecting yourself from verbal abuse!

[takingandsending]

itgirl,

So proud of you! 

And yeah, it was invalidating but guess what, you get to be that every now and again. 

Grey Kitty is all over it. Don't try to validate during the dysregulation. An "I see you are hurt" is enough. If she comes down, then let her in, but if not, as you have the separation, consider what is best for you and act on that.

I am really happy with how clearly you communicated with her. 

[Olinda]

Sounds like you are handling it well. What was it like to have a peaceful night whereas before it might have been hours of dysregulating? Sounds hard, if it were me I'm sure I'd still be up and a nervous wreck worrying.

[itgirl]

Thank you everyone for your advice.  Well the weekend was a success.  But before success a disaster!

On Friday I told her that she must not come as no good will come of it.  She is too angry and we can’t have a rational conversation.  She respected that and stayed away.  On Saturday I decided to go have lunch with my mom.  My partner texted she wants to come over to visit the dogs for a LITTLE while.  So I said OK I will be out so left the keys for her somewhere.

When I got she was still there.  We talked calmly for about 30 min and then she blew off.  I asked her nice to not raise her voice in my house.  She didn’t listen and just continued.  I got in my car and left the house for about 1 hour.  This happened about three times over the Saturday afternoon and evening. 

Come Sunday and its family lunch we were invited to a while back.  Everything goes very well.  Long story short she came to my house afterwards and started talking.  After about 2 hours she raised her voice and I got up to leave.  She then apologized and calmed down immediately.

I know this is a disaster Saturday but I enforced that boundary and by Sunday it was kept and peace in the house.  She even said she will work on herself this week to figure out what these moods are about.

I have a lot of improvements to make but by going back to the house Saturday she realized that I am not leaving her.  Just leaving the argument. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Yay for successes! You did some hard work and it paid off!

Here's a tip I've repeated a couple threads this week already. I don't think I did it in one of yours yet. If I'm repeating myself, forgive me.

When you leave, say "I'm going away for XX minutes or X hours or overnight." depending on what your need for space is. Then come back on time. Feel free to leave again if the behavior you left to avoid continues... .probably for a bit longer next time.

Avoid things like "soon" which are open to interpretation, and fights over whether your return really was soon or not. and especially avoid making your departure about them. "... .when you calm down" or some such.

This helps manage the fear of abandonment. Returning on time will help build trust as well.

How's this week starting out?

[pallavirajsinghani]

Please be careful, it is not improbable for false accusations of DV to occur at this time.  I gather that it is your house.  It is probably safer to have the common areas of the house under surveillance (not bedrooms or bathrooms, but kitchen, hallways etc.).

There are so many here who have been falsely accused.

While we respect the sufferer, we have to fear the disease.

So my post is not meant to be denigrating at all.

Perhaps it is not a bad idea to start another thread regarding this and solicit comments/critiques/suggestions about this idea.

Be safe... .God Bless.

[itgirl]

I have to say that it has been the best two days in a very long time.  I don't think just because of the boundaries.  Also, living apart.  We still see each other and have dinner together but it is nice to have our own space at the moment so we can detach with love.

I mailed her an extract of co-dependent no more that speaks about detaching with love.  At first she wanted to know who I was thinking about when I read it.       But now she seems to understand and said she will work on her issues while I work on myself.

This is by no means the end of this but peace for me at the moment.   We have a four week holiday coming up in December so I hope we can keep this UP!

[Grey Kitty]

I have to say that it has been the best two days in a very long time.

That is fantastic news

When you do the right thing, you will feel better about it! Some of the good can spill over, into improvements with her. Other times that doesn't happen as much. Don't let that distract you from how YOUR behaviors are working better for YOU!

I mailed her an extract of co-dependent no more that speaks about detaching with love.  At first she wanted to know who I was thinking about when I read it.       But now she seems to understand and said she will work on her issues while I work on myself.

Glad that turned out as well as it did!

I've got a new cliche for you:

You can lead a horse to water, but ... .

... .if you are in a dysfunctional marriage to the horse, the horse will blame you for being thirsty!