Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:04:06 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: It's like he's two different people  (Read 1522 times)
Verbena
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 605


« on: November 14, 2014, 10:19:19 AM »

Yesterday I was in the back of the house most of the day painting some bathroom cabinets.  My H was on the phone with his uncle in another part of the house, but I could clearly hear him talking.  His voice was pleasant and he was laughing at one point.  It just struck me as so bizarre how my husband's phone voice is COMPLETELY  different from the voice he uses with me.  It really is like he is two different people. 

I told him something funny the other day, and he just stared at me.  No laughter, not even a smile.  No response.  That got me to thinking how his parents had zero sense of humor and no personalities.  Then I heard him yucking it up on the phone with his uncle, and it just hit me ONCE AGAIN that he chooses to act the way he does with me.  He is miserable, negative, never smiles/laughs, disaproves of everything I do, won't respond, and would not compliment me if his life depended on it. 

He may not be Mr. Sunshine around most people, but he does not act the way he does with me.  I have pointed this out to him before, and he looks at me like I'm crazy and walks away.  He is so full of anger on a daily basis,  not just at me but at everything and everyone, but he does not see himself as an angry/miserable person.  He has told me this.  He does not know what I am talking about, or he does not remember. 

I ignore a LOT and I ignored his switch from being pleasant and laughing on the phone yesterday back to his nasty/negative tone with me.  I'm considering bringing this issue up again.  Any ideas on how I need to approach it? 

Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cloudy Days
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2014, 12:07:45 PM »

To me he is being pleasant to his Uncle or pretty much everyone else but you because he is being fake with them. He does not want them to know the real feelings and real attitude he has about life so he puts on a totally different face with them. My husband has admitted to being fake around his family and my family when I thought we had a wonderful day. Then we get home and he unloads on me about something he was holding in. They don't want everyone on the outside to know how screwed up they are so they put on a fake smile. Or it could be genuine in some cases, because it's a break from their usual reality. How do you approach it? I can't really answer that for you. A lot of the time when I try to bring something up with my husband we can have a great conversation about something but nothing changes, or we can fight about it and nothing changes. But I don't think it is something personal against you, more like he is comfortable with you and is safe with you and he isn't with anyone else. Trust me, I know how you feel, it can drain the life out of you being around so much negativity.
Logged

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
THill4564
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2014, 01:17:51 PM »

Thank you for your post, its exactly how I've been feeling, and my kids too.  He's so kind and nice to everyone else at church and the exact opposite at home.  The kids were asking the other day why cant the nice man dad is at church come home to live with us.  My thoughts exactly. We are separated right now because I just couldn't do it anymore, we all needed a break.  I would love for him to get the proper care he needs and come back, that is my hope. Thanks
Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680


Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2014, 10:17:42 PM »

Excerpt
He may not be Mr. Sunshine around most people, but he does not act the way he does with me.  I have pointed this out to him before, and he looks at me like I'm crazy and walks away.  He is so full of anger on a daily basis,  not just at me but at everything and everyone, but he does not see himself as an angry/miserable person.  He has told me this.  He does not know what I am talking about, or he does not remember.



The uncle is not a primary attachment figure.  You are.  Borderline is an attachment disorder /  developmental trauma. 
Logged

Verbena
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 605


« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2014, 01:23:30 AM »



To me he is being pleasant to his Uncle or pretty much everyone else but you because he is being fake with them.

Yes, exactly.  The real him never has anything nice to say and no sense of humor.  He only gets animated if we are discussing something negative.  At best, I get one-word responses. Usually I get ignored.  Sometimes (often actually) he claims that he responded when he actually said nothing.  He NEVER does this to other people because he knows it's not acceptable. 

The uncle is not a primary attachment figure.  You are.  Borderline is an attachment disorder /  developmental trauma

I came to these boards because our DD29 is BPD.  (My husband, by the way, thinks these boards are a joke and can't even remember how to spell BPD.  He calls it DPP, BPD, whatever.)  I have only in the past year come to realize my H has SOMETHING, but he doesn't really fit the criteria for BPD.  I do know that he grew up with a mother who began self-medicating shortly after he was born and continued to take many prescription drugs for the rest of her life.  She also gave him and his sister the silent treatment for days when they were little, according to his sister.  When I asked him about this many years ago, he got angry and said he didn't remember that.  He also had  a father who was an alcoholic for many years but got sober when my H was in his late teens.   There's no way that those factors didn't adversely affect him; I just don't feel it's BPD. I don't guess it really matters what it's called.  He has serious issues and they seem to be getting worse.

Thank you for your post, its exactly how I've been feeling, and my kids too.  He's so kind and nice to everyone else at church and the exact opposite at home.  The kids were asking the other day why cant the nice man dad is at church come home to live with us.  My thoughts exactly. We are separated right now because I just couldn't do it anymore, we all needed a break.  I would love for him to get the proper care he needs and come back, that is my hope. Thanks




I struggle with this, too.  My H is totally different at church and it really bothers me.  Sometimes when he doesn't go, I am so relieved that I can just go myself.  I know that's terrible.  IT sounds like your children are young.  Mine are grown but used to ask me all the time (especially the BPD DD) why daddy was mad all the time.  Good for you for taking a break and urging him to get help.  My H is never wrong about anything, and he does not see that he has any problems whatsoever. 
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2014, 04:40:30 AM »

The persona shown to others is a facade, he wants to hide his real self. The stress of constantly having to do this causes the pressure dump on you. Others can abandon him if they choose, you not so easily. It is the fear of abandonment or widespread disapproval that drives the need for the external facade.

This can be even more extreme with high functioning pwBPD who can be over nice/over achieving as the facade is who they want to be and they fear being seen otherwise.

Switching from one to the other quickly is second nature to pwBPD, likewise they can go into victim/hyperchondriac/at deaths door/ fit as a fiddle, all to suit the image they want to portray almost instantly.

Almost like they dont believe you will believe them so they over act to ram the issue home.

Believe it or not some of the nicest people you know will be exactly the same except you are getting the facade. BPD is widespread you will know others with it, except you are on the outside and not seeing it.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Haye
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: SO
Posts: 148



« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2014, 05:34:46 AM »

I'm not sure this applies to Verbena's husband's case, but i wish to remind you that some pwBPD also suffer from DID, dissociative indentity disorder. That doesn't mean necessarily mean they have completely different personas, but have a clear difference in the way they act/think/talk/react. My BPDbf has a history of both, dissociation and altering his behaviour depending on with whom he is (sometimes mirroring, sometimes defense etc).

He has pointed out that altering the behaviour according to company is usually not councious. Or, sometimes he's been aware of changing his behaviour to meet certain role, but says that he's unable to control it.

(Now that my spouse is recovering swiftly I see these dissociative sides of him slowly morphing into one. Biggest change to the outside world is that he is no longer the easy and fun yes-man but has started to say no and complain, risking the rejection etc).

Logged
Determined1

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 36



« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2014, 05:49:52 AM »

I understand all of these responses but my question is how does one determine which is the fake persona and which is the real one? People are multidimensional beings and I find it hard to categorize people as being one way. People act differently depending on the type of social environment they are in. I totally get the feeling behind the split personality perception in its extreme form but who is completely real no matter who they are around.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2014, 06:07:53 AM »

I understand all of these responses but my question is how does one determine which is the fake persona and which is the real one? People are multidimensional beings and I find it hard to categorize people as being one way. People act differently depending on the type of social environment they are in. I totally get the feeling behind the split personality perception in its extreme form but who is completely real no matter who they are around.

The difference between them is that one is under total control the other is not. Opposite ends of the regulation spectrum. The controlled one is what they want to be, the try hard if you like. In their minds they are not pretending or faking. But as they are not as secure in themselves as they are projecting the stress of keeping it up overloads them.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Verbena
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 605


« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2014, 10:42:19 PM »

Believe it or not some of the nicest people you know will be exactly the same except you are getting the facade. BPD is widespread you will know others with it, except you are on the outside and not seeing it

This is really interesting and especially true for our DD29 who most definitely does have BPD.  There are MANY people who have no clue about her struggles and behavior because they've never seen it.  She can be and is wonderful to be around, a great friend, funny, encouraging, and very "together" in many people's eyes.  The rages and blaming and excuses and all the rest--they've never seen it.  She may know a number of people with BPD who  have no clue she has it, and she doesn't see it in them either.  INteresting.  

My husband is just such an angry man with zero insight into how he comes across.  His issues run deep and he is so resistant to even talking about anything.  He cannot be wrong.  He cannot be responsible in any way for our shell of a marriage.  
Logged
parisian
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 237


« Reply #10 on: November 16, 2014, 03:06:51 AM »

This can be even more extreme with high functioning pwBPD who can be over nice/over achieving as the facade is who they want to be and they fear being seen otherwise.

This was my exBPDgf to a tee. It was like two completely different, unrelated people. With friends, she was adorable, charming and funny and a conversationalist.  She was a prolific facebook poster, and that played a big role in the 'facade'.

After too many social events she would simply crash on the weekend and avoid friends. I could not even laugh towards the end on my relationship - even being silly or exaggerating to an extent that was clearly intended as humour was met with correction and seriousness. When I tried to discuss that, she said 'I'm a serious person'. After one of her rages at me in public, which resulted in me being in tears, she just switched almost immediately to the outgoing charmer. 
Logged

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2014, 09:56:08 AM »

The persona shown to others is a facade, he wants to hide his real self. The stress of constantly having to do this causes the pressure dump on you. Others can abandon him if they choose, you not so easily. It is the fear of abandonment or widespread disapproval that drives the need for the external facade.

This can be even more extreme with high functioning pwBPD who can be over nice/over achieving as the facade is who they want to be and they fear being seen otherwise.

Switching from one to the other quickly is second nature to pwBPD, likewise they can go into victim/hyperchondriac/at deaths door/ fit as a fiddle, all to suit the image they want to portray almost instantly.

Almost like they dont believe you will believe them so they over act to ram the issue home.

Believe it or not some of the nicest people you know will be exactly the same except you are getting the facade. BPD is widespread you will know others with it, except you are on the outside and not seeing it.

This is very helpful to me, after seeing the behavioral switch happen so quickly in several people--my mother, ex-husband and now my husband.

It's eye-opening to think that there may be some other secret selves of friends that I've never met, because I just get presented the "good side".
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
icom
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 74


« Reply #12 on: November 18, 2014, 10:21:07 AM »

"All the world's a stage... ."

Something to bear in mind is that this is not an exceptional behaviour limited only to persons with personality disorders:

“A man has as many social selves as there are distinct groups of persons about whose opinion he cares. He generally shows a different side of himself to each of these different groups.”

William James

Individuals are motivated to act/behave based on the meanings they assign to people, things, and events, so in this regard the BPD behaviour isn't as obstreperous-or as discordant-as it might first appear. 
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2014, 10:47:03 AM »

"All the world's a stage... ."

Something to bear in mind is that this is not an exceptional behaviour limited only to persons with personality disorders:

“A man has as many social selves as there are distinct groups of persons about whose opinion he cares. He generally shows a different side of himself to each of these different groups.”

William James

Individuals are motivated to act/behave based on the meanings they assign to people, things, and events, so in this regard the BPD behaviour isn't as obstreperous-or as discordant-as it might first appear. 

Very good point! I forget that because I think I'm pretty much the same with everybody. However, I don't share my political views with some friends who have different beliefs and I try not to use four letter words with certain company.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!