Is she playing a game?

[Targeted]

This week I wrote my exUPD a email Explaining that after nine years of knowing each other and 2 1/2 years in a relationship followed by four months of emailing me very hateful things that I cannot communicate with her like this any more. I told her I would be willing to work on things whenever she gets serious about it and set a boundary that I need specific type of male Friends and interactions removed from the picture if this is going to happen.

I Set this Boundry because there are some of her friends that she has had sex with in the past, there are friends that are really not friends just people she met on dating sites, and there are also what she calls friends that really just want to have sex with her, I explained to her how this makes me feel as well as how her verbal abuses of me make me feel.

Basically let her know that without her being able to look at herself and stop just blaming me and get the proper help then we don't have a chance so go make yourself happy and I will be here if you ever decide to do that. I just cannot stand for this abuse and disrespect of me anymore. I said goodbye and I hope someday I get that message that you are tired of feeling relationships and want to take things seriously and take part in getting us the proper help.

Well, just what I expected to happen happened and she told me all about how I need professional psychiatric care, and that she would be there to help me when I do that along with more verbal abuse and telling me how much she loved me when we got together and everything is my fault for screwing it up. There is so much more because the emails never start but I think you already  get the point.

Part of my problem is when she does email me I have a compulsion to respond which I am trying to get rid of and due to the nature of her emails I sometimes get frustrated and cannot help but to say something back that may be truthful but still a little off-colour, I know it does not help but I'm only human and get frustrated too. After all the hateful emails that usually start around 5 AM.

Wednesday was a little different, after the 10 hateful emails fall of empty accusations and taunting me with the parties that she has all set up to go to  and all of the men that want her and so on she wanted to know if I had been intimate with anybody, when I told her that I had not then she asked me if I used protection. She has some kind of paranoia about Hookers and ___s and just assumes that's what all men do, I told I am not up for this abuse anymore and have a good day.

She then emailed me around 8 o'clock and said that she was in a accident and rolled her car over but she is okay and her kids are taking her to the hospital for x-rays just to be sure but she is fine. So I responded and told her I am very happy to hear that you are okay and I hope you are not too sore to dance at your party that you have this weekend because I know how much you love to dance.

Hours later another email came in that said I knew you never loved me! I could have almost died today and you don't care! You did not even ask me how I was so now I know we were just a waste of time and you never loved me!  So I reminded her that she told me that she was okay and I told her that I am glad that she is okay and that is a caring statement.  I also reminded her that me telling her that I hope she is not too sore to dance at her party is also a caring statement, I also responded to her with How are you feel about what my position is here, which was that because she has all these men that want her and the dating that she throws on my face I do not feel it is my position At the moment to rush out to be by your side or go out of my way to help because you took that position away from me by your choice and that is now the position of who ever you are seeing. I just do not feel it is my place and the position that you have me in anymore so just knowing that you're okay is good enough. Once again I'm glad you're okay.  

Then in came more hateful emails about me not caring and never loving her as well as her scenario that we would have made it in our relationship if I only had divorced my family and my friends who are all toxic people and not good Christians,  emails tearing me apart about all of her perceived imperfections in me and my family and my friends.

Then later on that night I got another email where she said-- I am home alone and I am tired and I am sore and I just need you to come up here and hold me for a little while.  I ignored that email and went to bed.  In the morning I got more hateful emails so I changed things up a bit and asked her ---  if you hate me so much And I am all of these bad things and I am so rotten and miserable as you say and there is nothing that you like about me why would you want me to come up and hold you? Why do you keep emailing me?  

She kind of skirted the issue so I said here let me make it simple for you so you do not have to explain your feelings and just give me numbers.  I sent her a random list of 25 different reasons why she may be still emailing me and she responded with these four.  (1)- she still loves me. (2)- she still has a attachment to me because we have known each other for a very long time (3)- she loves me but does not believe I will put in the effort to understand her. (4)- she is frustrated because she believes I never loved her.

 

After getting her response I gently told her how much I do care and how hurt I have been due to her interactions with other men and how it has affected me and if I am going to be in a relationship I am going to stick with in my relationship boundaries, I reassured her that I have been learning new communication skills to try and improve our communication so that I will be in a better position to let her know that I understand her feelings and what she is going through when she is ready to take things seriously in a relationship.  

This was only met with more accusations and taunting and now I am frustrated.   I wanted to leave emails open for communication in case she ever breaks down and wants to get a hold of me to go get help but I think I may have to block her emails tonight because the matter what I do I get back hatefulness and taunting.  I hate to admit defeat but I think I may have to join the leaving board.  Not by choice.  

Does anybody Have any idea what is possibly going on in her head?  Is she making up a car crash for sympathy?  :)oes she really have a attachment?  Is there any love there on her side that I could use to maybe have her want to get help?  or is this just a lost cause?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

You threw a rock at her, and she threw one back. That is predictable.

If these are your boundaries what are you doing to impose them if she is not sticking to them, and she wont until you action a response?

Whatever her objections and side dramas are, ignore them until you get your boundary met. Otherwise its not a boundary, just a wishful demand.

If she sends abusive emails. Delete them and read no further once you see the context. Your boundary is not her sending emails, you cant stop that, but you can stop yourself from having to read them. She will soon stop sending emails if you dont even read them. If it persists refuse to communicate via email.

[Targeted]

Thank you waverider,

We are still broken up and she keeps trying to recycle from time to time,  my boundary is simply to get rid of the dating and being with other men.  She has a history of too many

" accidents ". When with them.   I'm not opposed to having a male friend or two but have boundaries on what is appropriate and inappropriate. Interaction in this reguard.  I feel even more convicted in this boundary because of her double standard where I am not allowed to speak to females never mind have one as a friend, but she can have hundreds?  I am firm in my decision to not go back to her until these men are either removed from our life or the two I find appropriate friendships are interacted with inside my boundaries so we can focus on a serious relationship challenge,  she will not agree to do this.

Even though she is taunting me with going out with another man tonight to her party she was emailing me last night to come to her house and hold her, giving in and doing that probably would've been nice for both of us in the short term but  my boundaries are not met yet and she would never be able to take me seriously if I caved, so I wound up getting more hate emails and taunting about being with much better opportunities and men tonight and even though it's hurtful I have to let her do whatever she chooses, I just don't know how to respond or if I even should?   Any recommendations?

[waverider]

Thank you waverider,

We are still broken up and she keeps trying to recycle from time to time,  my boundary is simply to get rid of the dating and being with other men.  She has a history of too many

" accidents ". When with them.   I'm not opposed to having a male friend or two but have boundaries on what is appropriate and inappropriate. Interaction in this reguard.  I feel even more convicted in this boundary because of her double standard where I am not allowed to speak to females never mind have one as a friend, but she can have hundreds?  I am firm in my decision to not go back to her until these men are either removed from our life or the two I find appropriate friendships are interacted with inside my boundaries so we can focus on a serious relationship challenge,  she will not agree to do this.

Even though she is taunting me with going out with another man tonight to her party she was emailing me last night to come to her house and hold her, giving in and doing that probably would've been nice for both of us in the short term but  my boundaries are not met yet and she would never be able to take me seriously if I caved, so I wound up getting more hate emails and taunting about being with much better opportunities and men tonight and even though it's hurtful I have to let her do whatever she chooses, I just don't know how to respond or if I even should?   Any recommendations?

The underlying problem is she is power playing and doesn't want to be controlled. The "other men" is just the current method of displaying this. If you did manage to put a lid on this, the inherent need to powerplay will still be there and pop up in some other form.

This is a Personality Disorder trait, the issue is a symptom. You will have to deal with rolling similar issues even if you get past this. can you live like this? There will be endless issues. To get past this one does not mean it will be an easy ride thereafter. Is your desire to be with this person strong enough to enter such a relationship?

We all start off in these RS's thinking all will be fine once we get past the immediate drama. This is delusional thinking. The Disorder is there for the long run, you will not be able to fix it, only how you can live with it.

Be aware of this so that it will be a clear choice and easier to live with, rather than find yourself their by default and full of resentment.

[Targeted]

Good point waverider,

I really hate to give up on somebody but I am too simple of a person to live the rest of my life in a battle for control or trying to not be controlled.  I think this may be beyond how much effort I would be willing to put into a relationship, you are right it will not just be the men. It will be the finances, what I can and cannot do, who my friends Can be, what family members I can talk to, and so on,   I really need to quit but I think I just did and I will hope she realises for herself someday her part in the destruction of a relationship.

Thank you so much for your support.

[willtimeheal]

I played this game with my ex BPD for six years. What it finally came down to was doing what was best for me.  She has a sickness... .a mental illness. You said you don't want to give up on her... .there is a difference between giving up and moving on.

She is never going to change. It took me six years to learn that lesson, many many recycles, she left me for others, abused me, and I kept thinking ... .this time we will get it right. Finally I realized after she left me for yet another replacement she is never going to change. She even went for help but never stuck with it... .couldn't do the work.

They are damaged. And they bring misery and chaos to those around them.  You have to decide if you want to live like that... .the constant eggshells, mood swings, silent treatments, addictions, cheating, lying... .or do you want a life that is yours?

It doesn't mean you don't love her or you didn't try. It just means you love yourself enough to know you deserve better.

[Targeted]

Thank you,

You made a difference!

sincerely,