Hello + questions about reactions to perceived anger

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I came across this site while doing some research. I am the daughter of a BPD mother. I joined based upon the recommendations of so many authors I have become familiar with over the last few years, and because I have a question.

Growing up, I experienced many fits of rage and inappropriate, extreme anger. (Using the traits outlined in Christine Ann Lawson's book, my mom exhibited the Queen and the Witch). As I age, I've noticed that I have a very warped perception of what anger is. Anytime someone in a power of authority (boss, client, etc.) simply asks a question, I immediately assume they are angry. This elicits anxiety attacks, worry, and stress. I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this and if there are any tips or tricks for better perceiving "normal" anger and/or adjusting my perceptions of anger so that questions no longer feel threatening.

Thanks so much!

[Daughter122]

Hello,

I came across this site while doing some research. I am the daughter of a BPD mother. I joined based upon the recommendations of so many authors I have become familiar with over the last few years, and because I have a question.

Growing up, I experienced many fits of rage and inappropriate, extreme anger. (Using the traits outlined in Christine Ann Lawson's book, my mom exhibited the Queen and the Witch). As I age, I've noticed that I have a very warped perception of what anger is. Anytime someone in a power of authority (boss, client, etc.) simply asks a question, I immediately assume they are angry. This elicits anxiety attacks, worry, and stress. I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this and if there are any tips or tricks for better perceiving "normal" anger and/or adjusting my perceptions of anger so that questions no longer feel threatening.

Thanks so much!

[clljhns]

  Daughter122,

You have come to the right place to get the answers and support you need. Many here have had the same experiences as you. My uBPDmom vacillated between the Queen, Witch, Waif and Hermit. When she was in her Witch mode, it was terrifying. She was emotionally, physically, and psychologically abusive to all of us kids. I also experienced thinking that people were angry with me all the time. I was terrified to disagree with anyone, because it always meant that I would be verbally punished and sometimes physically punished if I disagreed with my mom. It has taken me many years to read people's moods from a lens of reality, rather than a lens of insanity. I did this through cognitive behavioral strategies and therapy.

Have you read any of the articles here: https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent? I found a lot of validation in these articles. Are you seeing a therapist? It would be helpful to see a therapist who can help you navigate through these reactions to people.

Wishing you all the best! Remember, we are here to listen!

Peace and blessings.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Daughter122

I'd like to join in with clljhns in welcoming you here and assure you that yes, there are many things that can be done to readjust your reactions to other people's anger!

Like you and like many here I have experienced the same as you - a sudden feeling of fear would make me quail if I thought someone was mad at me. Having been subject to the same unbalanced rage from my mother and father it is the most natural thing in the world to find a way to try and cope and that way is generally quite wrapped up in how I felt as a child - threatened, confused and intimidated. After all we were quite powerless then and our very survival depended on finding a way to reduce their rage. usually this was done at the expense of your own true feelings of outrage and sense of unfairness. We learn to bury those feelings and become conciliatory or shrink away.

It is wonderful that you are getting a new sense of yourself and want to change things and improve your own internal feelings and perceptions!

The link clljhns has posted is very good. In addition, you might consider taking time when you are upset, if it is at all possible and think of times you felt like that before - times as a child where you might have felt quite helpless and work at fully feeling whatever is in your heart.

Me, I had great success with doing an inner child exercise where I pictured the same things happening to me as a little kid. It was amazing how much protective instinct it called up in me - how my own anger was brought up in an appropriate way that "Hey! I'm a PERSON! How do you get to treat me this way?" I started to metabolise those old feelings of rage and sadness and injustice and realised that the other person simply did not understand that for me, feeling like that made my whole world spin off into nausea and oppression. Now they are not necessarily going to change but by fully feeling yesterday's pain with today's situation both became clearer to me.

You may wish to read the thread on this board about the inner child as it has some terrific insight to many people's views. the link is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233344.0

I think the greatest insight into other people's anger was the understanding that it didn't mean terrible things would happen as I expected. it wouldn't lead to punishment and I could walk away or defend myself and then it could really be over.

Ziggiddy

[Jema]

Hi Daughter122,

I can relate to your experience.

What I have never been able to wrap my head around -- and what I believe makes BPD truly terrible to deal with -- is that of the various personas of my uBPDm (queen, witch, hermit, waif), none of them really understands what dealing with the other personas is like. There seems to be some kind of experiential "disconnect" in her head.

For myself (and other Nons), I know if I get really angry, I regret it later and I feel embarrassed. There seems to be no such connection in pwBPD.

Within sometimes even minutes of one of M's rages. I can see that she has no idea of the impact she has had on others involved. Often in our [short-lived] therapy sessions, when discussing her rage events, she would insist that it was ME (or others) who was screaming at HER, and she would be so proud of how "calm and cool" she was during such. I would be incredulous, to say the least!

I could write a dissertation on the relationships between each of the personas, e.g., how the "waif" cannot understand or experience the pride and confidence of the "queen", and so forth.

Glad you are here Daughter122! I hope you can find a way to sort out for yourself this type of insanity... .

Cheers,

Jema

[Shankz]

hi! you can count on to all the members here, they are truly helpful and reliable when it comes to advice. For now, i do hope all of your trouble for now will be settled

[HappyChappy]

Anger can be power if you know how to use it. Your parent used it for control. Also knowledge is power, they pummel us for information, again to get control. Possibly why you connect anger with asking questions ? The link is control, but now you know this the control part starts to dissipate. By understanding this you are already on the road to recovery. If not, you may want to consider if you have PTSD. Anyone brought up by a parent with BPD would probably benefit from Therapy.