Wife of possible BPD

[Olgi330]

I'm married ten years with wonderful husband and father who frequently has very volatile mood swings and has a strong need to control me and many aspects of my life.  He is jealous and insecure, he admits it himself, and he is also aware of his anger management problem.  I know he loves me and works with me to secure a better, happier, more peaceful life but he has a pattern of self sabotaging behavior.  I have my own baggage , temper and insecurities.  He refuses therapy, I'm going since he thinks im the one that needed it more, but I found it very helpful even though I think he should be the one getting the therapy.  He is great when he is calm, but when he is not, I just want to pack my bags, run and hide.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad you are going to therapy. My situation is very similar to yours and I'm doing therapy with a psychologist that my husband and I both saw for a year.

I basically had to drag him to see her and I paid for it--both financially and emotionally. He thought doing couples counseling meant that I wanted a divorce, whereas I just wanted to improve our communication and to try to rebuild some of the intimacy we had lost.

All in all, it wasn't too successful, but it helped us communicate a bit better. And perhaps it made him more open to exploring some of his issues, as he did the 7 day Hoffman Process this summer. I think that helped him see that other people have traumatic childhoods too--he is not the only one who was abused and ignored by his parents.

I realized that I had gotten to the burnout point and though I saw improvement in his behavior and thought patterns, my feeling was that I was tired of always having to be the adult in the relationship. So I started seeing the psychologist on my own. Since she was quite familiar with his patterns of behavior, I didn't have much to explain and we're able to talk through things at lightening speed--without him obstructing the discussion.

He asked why I was seeing her and I told him that I wanted to make some improvements in myself after noticing the improvements he had made in his life. This was partially true. I do want to let go of the bitterness and resentment from all his crazy BPD acting out, but more so, I want to learn management strategies to deal with his dysregulated behavior.

This site has a wealth of good information and counseling is helping me to be more effective and to come to terms with the fact that I really don't have a partner who can be as emotionally supportive as I would like. There are wonderful qualities that he does have and I have friends with whom I can discuss some of the problem issues, plus this wonderful online community is filled with folks who've walked the walk.

[Hope26]

Olgi, I too can relate very strongly to your situation.  My husband has all those same traits, though he didn't become aware he had an anger management problem until I pointed it out to him.  Now  I have learned to stay calm more of the time when he has the episodes, thanks to things I've learned on this board.  His anger episodes are less frequent and he even acknowledges them after the fact sometimes.  He is not in therapy either and has not been diagnosed.  Like yours, he has some wonderful traits when he is calm.  I think that must be true for many of us on the 'staying' board, and that is why we remain committed.  I feel very bad for many of the others who obviously have it worse.  I don't think I could put up with stuff like infidelity or physical abuse.  Anyway, welcome to this board; it is a comforting and supportive place.