Casual

[Rollercoaster1]

Anybody else who's 'casually dating' (as if!) a BPD? I find it very complicated. He says he doesn't want a relationship because he doesn't want to hurt me. Then when we're together, everything is okay. Then it all feels like a relationship, it's just the label that's missing. I figured he needs the idea of being free to do whatever he wants. It's hard for me to deal with the BPD-stuff (occasional silent treatment etc, the tips on this website helped a lot with avoiding rages) if you don't really have a relationship.

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[shatra]

What do you mean by silent treatment? He stops contact, or he stops talking while you are with him?

What does he mean by not wanting a relat. because it would hurt you?

[Rollercoaster1]

He stops contact for a while (couple of days mostly). Every argument we've ever had was when we weren't physically together. When we're together everything's fine.

He says it will hurt me if we get together because first things will be great, but then maybe he will have to leave this country and that'll hurt me. He doesn't get that it would hurt no matter what because it's not about the label but about the feelings.

[Infern0]

My relationship began this way until I basically said if we don't become official then I'm out. At that point she drove straight to my house and we were in a full blown relationship.

[waverider]

If you allow indecision to drift, then everything thereafter will drift.

[shatra]

Hi

Roller wrote

He stops contact for a while (couple of days mostly). Every argument we've ever had was when we weren't physically together. When we're together everything's fine

----Do yo have a sense of why the arguments only happen over the phone and not in person?

----Sounds like he wants to "keep it casual" so as not to hurt you, because he knows it may not last, so why get closely involved? BPs often assume it will end, so they fear getting close---it hurts less to lose a casual relationship---yet my issue is I wonder if they ever HAVE a casual relationship?  They have the underlying feelings and strong attachment, so Iwonder if he is just not talking about what's underneath.

SHatra

[Rollercoaster1]

I'm not sure why the arguments only happen over the phone. To me it feels like it's easier for him to get mad when he doesn't see my face.

I agree... I don't think a BPD is capable of keeping it casual. He gets jealous way to fast haha. But he does act as if it's something casual. Only when I don't contact him for a little while (1-2 days) he stops acting as if it's casual.

[maxsterling]

He says he doesn't want a relationship because he doesn't want to hurt me.

Just wanted to pull this out there because this is a huge insight into the BPD mind.  He knows who he is.  That's one of the mind-boggling things about BPD.  Many pwBPD seem quite self aware.  They know their behavior gets them into trouble.  They know they have self-esteem and identity issues. Yet the behavior continues.  Often the bad behavior tends to be negative-reinforcing: they ruin one r/s, feel shame over it, and the next r/s ramp up the bad behavior for fear the same thing will happen again.  He's telling you he would be a bad boyfriend/husband.  Listen to him.