I'm so burned out by dealing with my husband's BPD

[Cat Familiar]

I want to make our relationship better but I 'm frustrated and angry that I always have to be the grownup.

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[flowerpath]

Hi, Cat Familiar.  I'm feeling the same way.  Yesterday I had the perfect opportunity to relax and recover from the work week and take care of some little projects at home that will make my life easier, and within an hour of waking, I was hit with projections, snide comments, and his talking to me through comments he addressed to the dog. 

This morning he awakened me with a loud and rude tone of voice, complaining about an appliance that doesn't work correctly. 

This is life as it is.  I want to have a peaceful inner life that this disorder cannot touch.  I am working at letting the behaviors just fall to the ground.  I know why I choose to stay, but it would be nice to not have to deal with it at all.  A peaceful life.  What a beautiful thought.   

[Olinda]

I hear you and second that motion.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi flower path and Olinda,

It's becoming an interesting journey to learn more about BPD, which I suspected my husband had for a few years. We did some couples counseling, but it wasn't very helpful, but it did open up an avenue to begin to communicate a little better.

The irony is that he is very articulate, just not about his emotions. I had hoped to have a relationship where I could be completely candid, but now I'm realizing that all my attempts at communication about our dysfunction are perceived as criticism of him.

We had a wonderful honeymoon phase which lasted several years until i got so fed up with him getting drunk and taking pills. I was truly afraid that I'd wake up and find him cold, dead and blue. Fortunately he's not abusing substances as much now and he did a weeklong program with the Hoffman Institute which I think helped him see that childhood wounds weren't exclusive to him.

Flowerpath, I truly understand the desire to have a peaceful life. I wake up early just to have "me time" and when I hear him enter the room, sometimes I cringe. I had to laugh (pardon me) about the comments your husband addressed to the dog. I can really imagine just how that played out. I like what you said about "letting the behaviors just fall to the ground."

Recently I started seeing our therapist individually in order to get strategies to help me manage his behavior. It was nice to see the same therapist because she really has a good sense of him and has seen his sudden bursts of anger. Basically she's helped me feel more compassionate towards him--he had the father from hell. And I had an epiphany when I realized that my mother and former husband both had BPD and some other variations of personality disorders. Apparently this is what I've mistaken love for... .

So what I'm learning from therapy is that I have to treat my husband the same way as I train my horses--make the wrong thing hard and the right thing easy--that's the horse training motto that I have to adapt to my personal life.

The grief I feel comes from the realization that I'm alone in this relationship. I've got to be the adult and self-comfort. I just lost one of my cats yesterday and I was amazed that this self-identified "sensitive man" had no clue how to comfort me or even that I needed that. It's always all about him.

[Mie]

'It's always all about him'. I know what you mean. It's very exhausting. My partner has been terrible recent 2 months. It always gets worse this time of the year, I don't know why (darkness? knowing that x-mas is coming and one is supposed to enjoy it but he can't? ) .

I wish you strength.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Mie,

Mine gets worse around this time of year too. And my ex-husband, who was even more BPD was just a nightmare around the holidays--his birthday was New Year's Eve and I always dreaded that day.

I really think it has a lot to do with light--and of course how much cultural emphasis we place on the holidays. It can be a very sad time for adults who have lost family members.

I know that because I spend so much time outside, I rarely get the seasonal blues--unless I'm stuck indoors for an extended period of time. However, I would welcome a long rainy season, living in dry dry California.

Much strength and peace of mind to you too!