FullMetal
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 98
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« on: November 16, 2014, 01:11:35 PM » |
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I've had a very hard couple of weeks to couple of months really.
I'm just coming down from the shock. Things had gotten so much better. But the lies started up again. She gets in this distancing stance where I'm not allowed to touch her, talk to her, etc... .Usually because of some perceived wrong I did her, (If anyone knows how to find out what I did wrong without snooping through her emails/facebook, because asking her comes with a response of "you didn't do anything wrong" and She continuously bashes me to her friends, and over exagerates my role in whatever is wrong. For example. I lost a job a number of years ago, It was actually a blessing in disguise as within a week I got a better job, and one that has allowed my career to flourish. However, in her correspondence with her friends, she made it out that I was out of work for months on end without even looking for a new job. when in actual fact I wasn't looking for a new job because I HAD a job... .I found out when one of her friends asked my why I haven't sent any resume's out the last 2 month, calling me a lazy bum and that dBPDw deserved much better. I replied that I didn't send out resumes because I had a new job, that paid better than my last one, is closer to how I want my career path to go, and that no, we didn't get kicked out of our home... . I asked my dBPDw about that, and she said she doesn't talk to that person, and she mentioned it when I lost my job but hasn't talked to him since. well, some inappropriate snooping on my part showed that was incorrect and this person wasn't the only one she was talking about that too... .this ultimately led to our marriage counselling. and was brought up there. It was never really addressed other than the counsellor asking dBPDw to keep our personal affairs private... .There was a lot that came out of those sessions, and a lot of things were worked out. however The past few months dBPDw has been falling into the same traps... .dropping the same "problems" that she has... . Last night she re-expressed her disdain that I have "something to do outside of the house"... .and she doesn't. This is in spite of me encouraging her to find something to do that she enjoys and grab on to it.
I think a lot of it stems from when In an attempt to not be so out of shape, I started going to the Gym. Well, she read an article online... .about how to tell if your spouse is cheating on you. and well, I'm pretty sure from that moment on, she feels I've been cheating on her, and since feelings=facts... .she might as well have caught me in bed with another woman. I have NEVER been unfaithful. it has never occured to me to try, and in fact when she first accused me, I actually thought about the logistics of it, and I honestly cannot figure out how it would be possible to maintain a relationship with another woman outside of my marriage. I have a weekly thing I do, as well as the Gym. the weekly thing has 6 witnesses as to where I am for those hours. and spending an hour at the gym, is hardly enough time, especially if I need to "establish my cover" by getting my gym wrist-band... .So it's really a matter of not only wouldn't I, I really don't think even if I wanted to it would be logistically possible. We had a talk about my going to the gym, and she seemed ok with my reasons to go. which basically come down to, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to get healthier, and get into shape. I'm tired of getting out of breath just taking our kids to bed... .or shovelling the sidewalk, or doing anything physical. (for the record, I have in two months not lost a single pound but that's not why I'm there, I'm there to build endurance and strength, and both of those are showing drastic improvement)
Yesterday we had it out... .I had reached breaking point. and I broke... .I'm not happy about it, I'm actually really depressed about it today. When she gets in these moods like she has the past few months, I start feeling helpless, hopeless, and very down in the dumps. I've even thought about leaving, but I couldn't do that to the kids or her. I'm just tired of being treated like dirt. She will often put me down, complain about things that are out of my control, blame me for our kids acting out, (oh it's because you let them play the xbox which is why they're acting out, oh it's because you put them to bed at 7:30 not 7:00... .Oh it's because you went to the gym, DD was crying out for you but 'as usual' you weren't there for her) I am tired of being made out to be the worst of the worst, simply because I take some time to myself. And it finally came out yesterday that she feels she has nothing for herself... .and that I don't let her have time for herself. And that I get to have a break from the kids every day when I go to work... . (she has expressed displeasure at being the stay-at-home parent, even though it was her decision, and the best decision financially for us, she still gets overwhelmed very easily. and I tried to help that yesterday by completely cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom.
I know a big part of the reason is she was taken off of her meds by her doctor, because of some weird test results, first they thought she had diabetes, so they put her on something for that, it reacted poorly to her other medication regimen, and caused them to not work as well, so the doctor took her off her anti-depressant and her anti-psychotic medications... .which was a HUGE mistake... .especially when subsequent tests showed she did not in fact have diabetes... . and so now we have to wait for the meds to kick-back in and hopefully bring life back to normal. although I'm hoping she doesn't fall into the same 10 day cycle she falls into... .takes the meds for 5 days stops for 5 days, I notice she starts taking them again for 5 days... .if she gets a month in, she'll be good for a long time, but she doesn't give it the time... .
sorry for the long rant, it was actually quite therapeutic to get it out. I'm not meaning to just sit here and bash her, I'm just really confused as to what I can do to help her, If I make suggestions it's telling her what to do, If I just listen, I should do more to support her... .If I try to work with her on things, I'm a roadblock and I should just leave her alone to do it. I'm really getting tired of the lose-lose-lose situations I'm constantly in. Like, She said something to me the other day, I said, sure thing that sounds good... .she didn't hear me, so I didn't respond which meant I didn't agree with her, which meant I was holding her down and preventing her from doing anything... . Rarely in our relationship has the whole Black-White division been so readily apparant as the past few days. If I deviate even a hair from her expectations, I'm thrown far to the Black. And an analogy I thought of is it's like trying to tightrope walk on a razor blade when there's nice soft grass on either side of it that would be better for everyone involved except for the big sign she erected that says ":)on't walk on the grass". But it feels that if I'm not in pain, I'm not doing it right. And I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm hoping the meds start helping again, and that life will be back to normal. last year it was so much better. I guess it just goes to show you can't let your guard down ever. And I'm just tired of being on guard all the time. I need to re-read stop walking on eggshells... .because that's where I am again... .any misstep is going to be a landmine, It's been nearly 10 years now of the yo-yo... . It's ok the first few times, but after a while It's just exhausting. And I need to think about my own health sometimes... .but whenever I do, I am made to feel like it's the most horrible thing int he world for me to do.
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