I Broke N/C, what do I do?

[Algae]

     Hello everyone.  I'm in a sticky situation at the moment, so bear with me if this post is long, but I'm in desperate need for help/advice.  I've already made posts about my problem before, so I'm just updating the situation since I broke N/C.

    My ex recently turned me white again and has been blowing up my phone.  I've been N/C for 3 months, after she blocked me, said she hated me, cheated on me, left me, found a replacement, etc.  She was so happy.

But 3 months later just like it always is... she's blowing up my phone, Facebook, everything.  She's made 3 facebook accounts trying to add me.  Texting me from random numbers telling me to please talk to her.  She's even liked EVERY picture on my instagram and commented on them.  The weird thing is... she still had her new boyfriend while she was messaging me.

    A couple days ago I saw that she kept making posts on facebook about me.  It infuriated me beyond all belief so I ended up breaking N/C and messaging her on Facebook.  My message was nothing more than me, cursing her out and saying how she's a ___, liar, will go to hell.  It wasn't nice at all.

    I named every bad thing she ever did to me in one message.  It upset her so much that she broke up with the replacement immediately.  I replied to it by saying that she can never be alone, and will just give up on wanting me back anyway... so why even try when you're going to give up 2 weeks down the road?

    I also told her to get help, and that I strongly believe she has BPD.  I sent links to prove why I think that, and most of them came from this site.  She replied by saying she agree'd and had always thought she had it as well.  (she agrees with everything I say when she's desperate to get me back).

    She also said that she had something HUGE planned on trying to win be back, but that it would take a while. She said that all of her decisions were forced upon her by family and friends, and thats why she left me (which would make sense if it was the first time... but this was the 7th time she dumped me).  She told me she was never happy with the replacement, and that he was just there to get over me (which I don't believe).  Also, when I stated that BPD's are never happy, she said that she was happy with me... genuinely.

    So since that day that I broke N/C... .she is still messaging me.  She's saying, "Hey I'll be at the mall later if you want to hang out after I'm done with work... ".  She messages me goodnight EVERYnight, and she sends me sad pictures with quotes on them that say, "some people are scared to get hurt so they push people away."

    I've ignored ALL of her attempts to talk to me, but as of now, I don't know what to do.  I do honestly want her back and want things to work... but I fear after she has me back... she'd stop caring as much as she does now.  She'd probably end up hurting me again.

    After all of these attempts though, she still has yet to say that she's sorry, so it feels more like she's just doing this for her.  I thought about meeting her in person and ranting, just to get everything off my chest.  

But at the moment... I don't know what to do.  I would love to talk to her but I don't want to give in so easily.  I want her to know that I'm not some toy that just comes back around.  I don't want to lose her honestly but I don't know how to go about fixing whats wrong with her.  Or making her aware that I'm not a toy she can use.

What do I do?

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[EaglesJuju]

Hi Algae,

What a complicated and frustrating situation. It seems that she is trying to genuinely tell you her feelings as suggested by the "sad" pictures with quotes.  As you know, pwBPD most do not apologize or take responsibility overtly.  Perhaps in her own way, she is apologizing for her behavior.  It appears that you want to continue talking to her.  Remember you cannot fix her, she has a mental illness and needs to take initiative to fix herself.  You can guide her or support her to seek treatment/help.  It is scary for pwBPD to seek treatment.  I would let her know that you will be there for her, while she is seeking treatment.

Meeting her in person to "rant and get everything off your chest" will not solve anything if you intend on continuing/rekindling the relationship. You can communicate your feelings using SET.  Using SET is more constructive to let her know that you feel like a "toy that comes back around."   Also, set a few boundaries and expectations.

I have been having a hard time communicating with my uBPDbf.  I felt the same way as you do, like a toy that is used.  I used SET to communicate my feelings and talked in a firm tone (not aggressive).  I set a few boundaries and expectations for him. For example, I explained how communication is important because, neither of us or telepathic and not communicating makes things worse.  I did not give any ultimatums, JADE, or coddle/enable him. 

[Algae]

Hi Algae,

What a complicated and frustrating situation. It seems that she is trying to genuinely tell you her feelings as suggested by the "sad" pictures with quotes.  As you know, pwBPD most do not apologize or take responsibility overtly.  Perhaps in her own way, she is apologizing for her behavior.  It appears that you want to continue talking to her.  Remember you cannot fix her, she has a mental illness and needs to take initiative to fix herself.  You can guide her or support her to seek treatment/help.  It is scary for pwBPD to seek treatment.  I would let her know that you will be there for her, while she is seeking treatment.

Meeting her in person to "rant and get everything off your chest" will not solve anything if you intend on continuing/rekindling the relationship. You can communicate your feelings using SET.  Using SET is more constructive to let her know that you feel like a "toy that comes back around."   Also, set a few boundaries and expectations.

I have been having a hard time communicating with my uBPDbf.  I felt the same way as you do, like a toy that is used.  I used SET to communicate my feelings and talked in a firm tone (not aggressive).  I set a few boundaries and expectations for him. For example, I explained how communication is important because, neither of us or telepathic and not communicating makes things worse.  I did not give any ultimatums, JADE, or coddle/enable him. 

Thank you for the reply.

What is SET?

And yes in all honesty I would want her back.  But I want her to EARN me back.  I just figured by not talking to her... she'd try to do something to show me that she cares, is sorry, and wants me back.

All I'm getting right now is, "I miss you!" 

By earn my back I mean, do something for me.  I remember one time I really liked this girl who was upset at me... so I ended up going to the mall and playing guitar for them, and sneaking backstage at a concert to have her favorite singer call her on the phone.

But why can't my BPD ex do something like that for me, instead of being expected to get everything she wants for free?  All she does is say to herself, "Oh well i guess I'll be alone forever... .".  When I ignore her, she gets so sad that it feels depressive, and it's to the point where she just gives up.  I CANT STAND THAT!  I can't stand how she just gives up.

Is it wrong to want her to try and EARN me?  I've spent 4 years CHASING her, and now that the shoe is on the other foot... .she doesnt know what to do or even how to chase me back.  It's not mind games... it's just seeing if she REALLY cares enough to go after what she wants.  If I just go back like nothing happened... what will she of learned?  She'll probably just take me for granted again.  I don't want to say I'm there for her... because then she'll feel that I'm not upset about how she cheated on me again.  I want her to realize that if she messes around... she could lose what she had.

But again... what is SET?

[Infern0]

Algae how realistic do you think YOU are being with your needs/wants.

She's got BPD that's what you are working with.

S.E.T is a communication technique which is basic for dealing with BPD.  Look it up its simple but helps.

If you want her back it's going to be a case of setting boundaries.

In my opinion I'd say I'll get back with you if you are in therapy. If she won't do that then it won't work anyway.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Algae,

What a complicated and frustrating situation. It seems that she is trying to genuinely tell you her feelings as suggested by the "sad" pictures with quotes.  As you know, pwBPD most do not apologize or take responsibility overtly.  Perhaps in her own way, she is apologizing for her behavior.  It appears that you want to continue talking to her.  Remember you cannot fix her, she has a mental illness and needs to take initiative to fix herself.  You can guide her or support her to seek treatment/help.  It is scary for pwBPD to seek treatment.  I would let her know that you will be there for her, while she is seeking treatment.

Meeting her in person to "rant and get everything off your chest" will not solve anything if you intend on continuing/rekindling the relationship. You can communicate your feelings using SET.  Using SET is more constructive to let her know that you feel like a "toy that comes back around."   Also, set a few boundaries and expectations.

I have been having a hard time communicating with my uBPDbf.  I felt the same way as you do, like a toy that is used.  I used SET to communicate my feelings and talked in a firm tone (not aggressive).  I set a few boundaries and expectations for him. For example, I explained how communication is important because, neither of us or telepathic and not communicating makes things worse.  I did not give any ultimatums, JADE, or coddle/enable him.  

And yes in all honesty I would want her back.  But I want her to EARN me back.  I just figured by not talking to her... she'd try to do something to show me that she cares, is sorry, and wants me back.

All I'm getting right now is, "I miss you!"  

By earn my back I mean, do something for me.  I remember one time I really liked this girl who was upset at me... so I ended up going to the mall and playing guitar for them, and sneaking backstage at a concert to have her favorite singer call her on the phone.

But why can't my BPD ex do something like that for me, instead of being expected to get everything she wants for free?  All she does is say to herself, "Oh well i guess I'll be alone forever... .".  When I ignore her, she gets so sad that it feels depressive, and it's to the point where she just gives up.  I CANT STAND THAT!  I can't stand how she just gives up.

Is it wrong to want her to try and EARN me?  I've spent 4 years CHASING her, and now that the shoe is on the other foot... .she doesnt know what to do or even how to chase me back.  It's not mind games... it's just seeing if she REALLY cares enough to go after what she wants.  If I just go back like nothing happened... what will she of learned?  She'll probably just take me for granted again.  I don't want to say I'm there for her... because then she'll feel that I'm not upset about how she cheated on me again.  I want her to realize that if she messes around... she could lose what she had.

But again... what is SET?

I understand that you want her to "earn" you back, but pwBPD think differently than us.  I think the first step for you to actually let go of your anger/worry, is to "radically accept" her mental illness.  

PwBPD show that they care is nonconventional ways.  Perhaps for her, showing that she cares is by her listening to your concerns about her illness and agreeing to seek treatment. It is very hard for many pwBPD to seek treatment or even think that they have a problem.  

As Infern0 stated, SET is a communication tool.  You can use SET/boundaries to address your concerns about cheating. You cannot change her or her behavior.  You can only change yourself and the way you think.  It is hard.   You have to be mentally strong and accept the role of an "emotional caretaker."

You have to start looking at a pwBPD's behavior and realize they have the emotional regulation of a child.  To expect and think that a pwBPD will behave the same as a non, will exacerbate the problems. It is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and expecting a different result.  You have to learn about her triggers and how to defuse a situation when she is dysregulating. This does not mean you have to be a pushover or walk on eggshells.  Setting boundaries, it is another way of balancing your needs and hers.

I agree with Infern0, I would set a boundary with therapy.  A boundary is not an ultimatum. Honestly, if you want to rekindle you need to work on yourself a bit too. It is almost hypocritical for us to tell them they need to work on themselves, when we are not willing to change our behavior.  Even if she is in therapy, it is not going to "fix" everything right away.   I would say something like that when setting a boundary of therapy.  

[Algae]

Hi Algae,

What a complicated and frustrating situation. It seems that she is trying to genuinely tell you her feelings as suggested by the "sad" pictures with quotes.  As you know, pwBPD most do not apologize or take responsibility overtly.  Perhaps in her own way, she is apologizing for her behavior.  It appears that you want to continue talking to her.  Remember you cannot fix her, she has a mental illness and needs to take initiative to fix herself.  You can guide her or support her to seek treatment/help.  It is scary for pwBPD to seek treatment.  I would let her know that you will be there for her, while she is seeking treatment.

Meeting her in person to "rant and get everything off your chest" will not solve anything if you intend on continuing/rekindling the relationship. You can communicate your feelings using SET.  Using SET is more constructive to let her know that you feel like a "toy that comes back around."   Also, set a few boundaries and expectations.

I have been having a hard time communicating with my uBPDbf.  I felt the same way as you do, like a toy that is used.  I used SET to communicate my feelings and talked in a firm tone (not aggressive).  I set a few boundaries and expectations for him. For example, I explained how communication is important because, neither of us or telepathic and not communicating makes things worse.  I did not give any ultimatums, JADE, or coddle/enable him.  

And yes in all honesty I would want her back.  But I want her to EARN me back.  I just figured by not talking to her... she'd try to do something to show me that she cares, is sorry, and wants me back.

All I'm getting right now is, "I miss you!"  

By earn my back I mean, do something for me.  I remember one time I really liked this girl who was upset at me... so I ended up going to the mall and playing guitar for them, and sneaking backstage at a concert to have her favorite singer call her on the phone.

But why can't my BPD ex do something like that for me, instead of being expected to get everything she wants for free?  All she does is say to herself, "Oh well i guess I'll be alone forever... .".  When I ignore her, she gets so sad that it feels depressive, and it's to the point where she just gives up.  I CANT STAND THAT!  I can't stand how she just gives up.

Is it wrong to want her to try and EARN me?  I've spent 4 years CHASING her, and now that the shoe is on the other foot... .she doesnt know what to do or even how to chase me back.  It's not mind games... it's just seeing if she REALLY cares enough to go after what she wants.  If I just go back like nothing happened... what will she of learned?  She'll probably just take me for granted again.  I don't want to say I'm there for her... because then she'll feel that I'm not upset about how she cheated on me again.  I want her to realize that if she messes around... she could lose what she had.

But again... what is SET?

I understand that you want her to "earn" you back, but pwBPD think differently than us.  I think the first step for you to actually let go of your anger/worry, is to "radically accept" her mental illness.  

PwBPD show that they care is nonconventional ways.  Perhaps for her, showing that she cares is by her listening to your concerns about her illness and agreeing to seek treatment. It is very hard for many pwBPD to seek treatment or even think that they have a problem.  

As Infern0 stated, SET is a communication tool.  You can use SET/boundaries to address your concerns about cheating. You cannot change her or her behavior.  You can only change yourself and the way you think.  It is hard.   You have to be mentally strong and accept the role of an "emotional caretaker."

You have to start looking at a pwBPD's behavior and realize they have the emotional regulation of a child.  To expect and think that a pwBPD will behave the same as a non, will exacerbate the problems. It is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and expecting a different result.  You have to learn about her triggers and how to defuse a situation when she is dysregulating. This does not mean you have to be a pushover or walk on eggshells.  Setting boundaries, it is another way of balancing your needs and hers.

I agree with Infern0, I would set a boundary with therapy.  A boundary is not an ultimatum. Honestly, if you want to rekindle you need to work on yourself a bit too. It is almost hypocritical for us to tell them they need to work on themselves, when we are not willing to change our behavior.  Even if she is in therapy, it is not going to "fix" everything right away.   I would say something like that when setting a boundary of therapy.  

I was thinking about setting boundaries to a point, where I'd not get TOO close.  But I feel if I did that, it would bore her/scare her away because part of BPD is that they tend to drop someone if they feel they are losing them to avoid getting hurt themselves.

I really don't understand how she cant understand that EARNING someone back is also showing that you care.

Yes, sitting and listening to what I have to say could be her way of showing that she cares... but she's done that several times.  What's going to stop her from shutting me out of her life a month later again just because she thinks... "Oh he'll just come back like no big deal?

It feels like no matter how I handle this... she'll just take me for granted in the end.  Unless she sees that I'm not always there and she has to earn me back.

She keeps messaging me to see if I want to hang out in public/at the mall.  I'm just ignoring the messages because she basically dumped me for someone else and cheated on me AGAIN so why would I just run back into her arms and treat her nicely just becasue she's in a good mood now?  I don't know if I should respond to her or not.

[Aussie0zborn]

they tend to drop someone if they feel they are losing them to avoid getting hurt themselves.

That's generally how it goes.

I really don't understand how she cant understand that EARNING someone back is also showing that you care.

She has the emotional capacity of a 3 year old. Anyway, she doesn't have to care - you're the carer, not her.

What's going to stop her from shutting me out of her life a month later again just because she thinks... "Oh he'll just come back like no big deal?

Nothing at all. You're already talking about going back, so she is quite right. I wonder if she's done this before? If its worked before it will work again now.

It feels like no matter how I handle this... she'll just take me for granted in the end.  Unless she sees that I'm not always there and she has to earn me back.

Correct. She already has taken you for granted. Don't forget she sees herself as the victim here... .you know, her family made her do it, even though it was the 7th time. "The end" that you talk about is more painful than this current ending. Each time you go back the ending gets worse.

... .she basically dumped me for someone else and cheated on me AGAIN so why would I just run back into her arms and treat her nicely just becasue she's in a good mood now? 

Because she said so and that's how she feels today. And because you don't value yourself enough to say "I don't need this sh!t in my life".

I don't know if I should respond to her or not.

What do you think I'm going to say to that?

You have a serious problem here... .you want her back but you don't want the nonsense. I've been in your position and it hurts, doesn't it? You sound like a great guy, level headed and sensible but all the care and love in the world is not going to resolve her issues to give you a smooth life. They say here that professional treatment is the only solution and that only works if they are genuinely committed to treatment.

On your own, you are not qualified to help but you can guide her towards professional help. The question is... .why do you love her so much after she has shown you no love, no respect, no common courtesy and no decency?