At wit's end, trying to keep my sanity intact...

[Ophelia71]

Hello to all,

I have been with my significant other since 2007, got married in 2012. Hubby has PTSD, BPD, and Bipolar. We have been through a lot as a couple but before we met he has been through so much more than I. I actually honestly thought I was going to be able to handle him, but he has gotten so much worse since his mother died on his birthday May 1, 2014. I am finding myself now in dark places I don't want to be because I have seemed to have lost my coping mechanism in dealing with my husband's issues. I am very familiar with mental health issues, many of them run in my family along with substance abuse problems. I also used to do this for a living in dealing with people who have behavior issues, but they are not my loved ones which is makes this even more personal. I used to try to avoid trigger points with my husband, however it is not enough no matter how hard I try. This man is for one never happy ever. He does not know how to be grateful and appreciative of what he has in his life. What keeps me from leaving him but I am really having some second thoughts is he does not drink alcohol, he does not do hard drugs, only smokes the marijuana which keeps him calm for the most part, and he does not cheat on me. He can be very funny, teasing, and loving when he has his "good" days. Most of the time he has more bad days than good. He has never laid a hand on me, but is verbally abusive which is the very reason why I left my first husband who used to belittle me all the time. In this case, my current husband is always blaming me for the problems he has in his life. For example, he takes it out on me when he is miserable or in pain. Tonight we were both in the middle of making dinner and I was just thinking how nice it was being the team doing things together. All the sudden he flips out because it was going to take 2 hours to cook the ham because I assumed smoked meant cooked. He acts like a child, starts slamming door, yelling at me, because he was hungry now because he hasn't "ate" in all day. He had a bag chips as I did, too. I really wasn't that hungry yet. So I made sure dinner got cooked without his help, while he went to bed. I figured I better let him know dinner was done. Nope, he was flipping out on me for waking him up and he told me wanted dinner awhile ago. I have told him he needs to see a therapist because every time he has an episode he is now breaking things. We just brought a house that is paid for out of my settlement that is all spent and we both are on fixed income for we cannot afford to have things broken. My biggest pet peeve is him breaking things. I have done my best to be understanding and patient when he does not like feeling this way and he even cried, but bottom line is he still has made no effort to go set up an appointment to see a therapist. I cannot set the appointment up for him, the clinic told me that he has to come in and set it up and I can see why they would do that. He has to take initiative. Meanwhile I am under tremendous stress that he puts on me and he can't just seem to see that. I am constantly worried about how I am going to get groceries when bill has to be paid and he always upset because we don't have any money. I am his payee, so I control the money. I am also dealing with my own issues in dealing with some back pain and possibly may be needing surgery. He keeps bringing animals home and I cannot keep up with it and he always wonder why we are broke. The list goes on. Bottom line is I am not feeling like my self anymore. I am far away from my kids, I don't talk to my dad (who is an alcoholic) because I am having to validate my husband's feeling (long story), all my friends are far away, and I really have no family support. We have my step father in law living with us and he does not even help around the house either. I am feeling so depressed and miserable for I have realized I am sure enabling my husband by validating him all the time while my feelings get pushed aside. I am getting to the point I just don't have the heart to keep dealing with. All I want do is cry now. I am feeling so burnt out in dealing with him and the step father in law. I did something to get him to just shut up. I wanted him to just shut up. I grabbed a knife and told him I was going to cut myself if he did not shut up. I don't have the desire to end my life. I just need some peace and quiet is all I ask. I don't know what else to do to keep dealing with his issues. I went to the walk in clinic and have been referred to see a therapist myself, because I truly don't know what to do anymore. I do not do any kind of drugs and do suffer from anxiety disorder, been able to keep in control, but it is coming back again. So here I am, because I am trying the best I can but getting pretty hard when your hubby continues to think everything you do is your fault and keep getting angry with me for no reason at all. Thanks for all who have listen... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

I did something to get him to just shut up. I wanted him to just shut up. I grabbed a knife and told him I was going to cut myself if he did not shut up. I don't have the desire to end my life. I just need some peace and quiet is all I ask. I don't know what else to do to keep dealing with his issues. I went to the walk in clinic and have been referred to see a therapist myself, because I truly don't know what to do anymore. I do not do any kind of drugs and do suffer from anxiety disorder, been able to keep in control, but it is coming back again.

I can totally relate.    Please make that appointment and work on you.  There are many tools and lessons here, but unless you are feeling stronger, you'll sink into that pool of muck your husband is in. 

[maxsterling]

Wow - that is a lot to deal with.  I want to  , you have found the right place.  Many of us here have dealt with exactly what you face, and we know how the emotions and anxiety build until our lives feel like complete chaos.  I, too, have had thoughts that I never thought I would have.  It's not just the stress from her chaos, but also not being able to fully execute my own soothing and coping mechanisms because of her neediness. 

I'm glad you sought a therapist for yourself!  That is an excellent first step.  I see one - and I mostly go in there and vent, and it really helps.  Another suggestion I have that you may have thought of already - Alanon.  You say your father is an alcoholic, and with your H's substance abuse (yes, marijuana certainly counts), I think you may find some help there in just listening to and sharing with like-minded people.  It's helped me tremendously in putting the focus back on me and not on her.   

[Ophelia71]

Thank you to all who read my post, I am sorry I have not posted back. It has been rough. Having insurance issues in finding the right therapist. I been going to my bedroom to avoid my husband when he is having an episode. He just made threats to leave me for the 3rd time this month tonight. I will most definitely look into going to al non to better understand my husband and my father's issues. I anticipate that my husband will follow through with his threat and to be honest it will hurt me, but I will have the strength to move on and to focus only on me. There will be no getting involved with anyone else. I just don't want to go through the pain that I have been through anymore. I got my beautiful adult children and my friends to help me through this whatever the outcome is.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Ophelia71,

Welcome back.  I am sorry that you are still having a rough time.  I understand how difficult it is coping with erratic and confusing behavior.   

Why is your husband threatening you with leaving?  Can you perhaps tell us more so we can help you better?

[Ophelia71]

EaglesJuju,

I am going to paste the questions I found on this site to make it easier for me to describe what has been going on.

So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

I love many things about my husband, he can be so sweet and loving, he does the little things that can mean big things like when I cough every morning, he brings me a glass of water without me asking.

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

I think it makes him jealous that I am naturally friendly and have more friends. I am allowed to see my friends but not allowed to go karaoke in the bar to hang out. I try to invite him, but he is not sociable for the bar scene.

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

I am disable at the moment which has been rough on me and affecting my finances which no doubt triggers his emotions when money is tight.

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

No he never ask for my opinions nor respect them. There has been numerous attempts that I try to show him where our money goes since I am his payee since the judge sees him having addiction issues using marijuana, now he has medical marijuana, which has been a big impact on our finances. He can't clearly see that at all. Like he wants to keep denying.

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

Sometimes he listens and sometime he doesn't. Lately, he has not been wanting to listen with reason.

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

No, he is no good at talking about his feelings which leads to horrible outburst. He will talk about it after the outburst has happened.

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

No, he does not have any good relationship with any of his family members nor mine. His mother was an alcoholic and I believe she had bipolar or BPD. We will never know, because she refused to get help. She was in a really bad car accident, so it could be she had a very bad traumatic brain injury. I was told she was hospitalized for awhile. He had a horrible childhood growing up. He was around drugs, alcohol, partying, his mom sleeping around cheating on two of her husband. Everything was a big party to his mom, this poor child never slept well. He got locked up at age 14 because his mother was not around to care what he did.

H. Does she/he have good friends?

He had friends. Most he had falling out with or moved away. Does not know how to make good friends. Do not trust anyone. Always believing that people have something bad to say about him.

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

Yes, he wants to work, but again he cannot hold down a job nor does he trust people to do side jobs. He has been taken advantage of for being too nice and not saying his feelings. He wants to do things, but they are bigger things we can afford to do, but gets mad because money is tight. (Due to my settlement, my social security got cut in half for each month for the next 3 years). It drives him crazy that I am simple and can make do. Not him, he has to have his meat and have to his soda, which these items can be expensive. I cannot change his ways to make our finances better. I know what it takes to have better finances, not him.

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

No, he blames me and others for all of his problems. For example, we moved out of New York to my home state of Michigan because it was better for us financially and emotionally. Now he blames me for taking him away from his doctor and his home, which is another long story to type out, but moving to Michigan really was for the best. He does not see it that way. So far been making threats to leave me many times, because he is not happy here. We just brought a house with my settlement, so I can't just really up and move. He told me he rather be homeless than to have a roof over his hand. He apparently does not like being stuck in one place. He needs to be out and about, always moving. He has ADHD, too.

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

Not lately. He feels like I am taking all his money, when it is for us together. He apparently has an issue of doing his share of responsibility, but sees that he does no wrong. He sees me doing everything wrong in our life.

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

I am the only friend he has besides his step father that lives with us. We have fun together when he has his good days, but he has been having more bad days. We were stalked by his ex wife in 2012 and had him arrested on false charges, then his mother died on his birthday May 1, 2014, and then his Aunt Ruth who I considered not very nice lady refuses to give the things back that is rightfully his when his mother passed. His BPD/PTSD has gotten worse since his mother died, he is refusing therapy. I have given up trying because he has to want it himself. Meanwhile, I am afraid of what he will do because his anger has gotten so bad. He keeps breaking things and talks about what he wants to do to his Aunt Ruth for the pain she is causing him. He will not let that go and continues to keep blaming me for the financial issues we are having. I have done all I could to validate his feelings, but I feel like I have been enabling him when it comes to getting his medical MJ. I honestly cannot balance the money out and really do not want to be his payee anymore since he keeps blaming me for many things.

I am running out of options. I know I will be fine without him, the problem is he has been abandoned by so many people and that what makes it so hard. However, I am losing myself as a person, I need to have my self preservation and self worth back. I am to the point that I might have to say either he goes to therapy to work out those issues or we need to separate or severe ties. He knows he has issues but been being stubborn and refusing to see anyone.

Sadly, this is my second marriage and I really wanted to make this work. I am person who just wants to be loved and enjoy what is left in this life. I am not getting any younger, life is getting shorter by the day. My heart breaks for my husband that does not want to make his life better, he is constantly choosing to fight his demons and then to create drama with me. He thrives on drama. I have been shutting down, because I can't cope anymore. I go to time out.

Thanks in advance for listening. I appreciate it.

Shawny   

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Ophelia,   

It sounds like you have been through a lot.    

I understand how frustrating it is to feel  like you are blamed for everything.  Unfortunately, many pwBPD do not take responsibility for their behavior and tend to use maladaptive coping mechanisms such as projection. It still can be difficult to not let this type of behavior affect me, but I have learned to radically accept a bulk of BPD behaviors. Learning and reading about BPD really helped me with accepting that my bf's behavior has nothing to do with me.  I am slowly absorbing radical acceptance and I am almost unaffected by some of his coping mechanisms.

Communication tends to be very difficult for pwBPD.  It can be very annoying for us, but there are things we can do to communicate more effectively with our partners.  For a very long time, I felt as if I could not say anything to my bf without an argument or him avoiding/diverting the conversation.  I started to learn about communication tools and use them. It honestly made such a difference in my relationship. Here is an article that helped me.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

I understand how frustrating and painful it is to have your husband threaten to leave you.     I went through something similar. My bf moved across the country to be with me. Whenever he felt homesick or "abandoned/rejected" by me, he would threaten to leave. 

Have you had a conversation with your husband about therapy?