thoughts while in a roller coaster

[Mie]

This time of year my BPD partner seems to get worse. He has topics which he can't let go, he's going on and on every day. He drinks wine and wants me to be with him all the time, while he's doing his monologue, sometimes asking cryptic questions to which there are only wrong answers... .His current topics:

- narrow-mindedness of 'my' people (all his friends hate this country too)

- bad communication between me and him (I'm not honest and direct, I don't talk)

- guy who used to work for us and the (imagined) relationship with me

- bad sex life (my fault)

- I don't respect him and appreciate all (great things) he has done for me

- how I have thrown away a lot of money (this is exactly what he has done, and I just can't comprehend this accusation, I know I should not even try... )

- how I want to drag him down to my level (which is... .?)

Ok... .that is ventilated now 

A new thing has come up recently: jealousy or suspicion that I  am interested in other men (like the guy who worked for us). We started a café and you can imagine that there are also men clients. Once I had a lively conversation with a man about nothing special, but he had interesting ways of expressing himself and smart humor. My partner made sardonic comments about 'my new friend' a few times. Also yesterday I sat down after the working day, had a glass of wine and talked to a regular client for a while. This morning he asked me if I like the guy. I said sure, don't you? And he said: 'Ahaaa! Bingo!' and gave me a crazy look. I'm worried that this will be a new major issue and topic of his monologues. Is there any way to stop it?

The last thing I'm interested is other men! One is a handful.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Oh, Mie, I totally sympathize. Does your partner overindulge in wine? When mine does, the BPD is accentuated and any hope of good communication is lost.

A new thing has come up recently: jealousy or suspicion that I  am interested in other men (like the guy who worked for us). We started a café and you can imagine that there are also men clients. Once I had a lively conversation with a man about nothing special, but he had interesting ways of expressing himself and smart humor. My partner made sardonic comments about 'my new friend' a few times. Also yesterday I sat down after the working day, had a glass of wine and talked to a regular client for a while. This morning he asked me if I like the guy. I said sure, don't you? And he said: 'Ahaaa! Bingo!' and gave me a crazy look. I'm worried that this will be a new major issue and topic of his monologues. Is there any way to stop it?

The last thing I'm interested is other men! One is a handful.

I've been accused of having a hidden relationship with some imaginary man. Frankly, after having a BPD ex-husband and now repeating my mistake, this time with a BPD-lite husband, I can't imagine ever wanting to have another man in my life.

I've just started exploring the lessons on this website. Last night I tried SET (sympathy, empathy, truth) and found it to be very effective in getting my husband to relax and trust me. He has been so on edge, that anything I say gets filtered into "is she criticizing me?"

I could say "the sky is blue" and he'd take it as a criticism. Using SET, we had a pleasant evening.

Coming to terms with the idea that he has a mental illness has made me grieve our relationship. I thought at last that I had found someone with whom I could be on equal footing. Although we've been together 10 years and I've seen the roller coaster so many times, I somehow harbored a fantasy that he would "snap out of it" if he could just see his behavior from my perspective.

Well, that's not going to happen. So now I'm faced with management. It's sort of like training my horses, except when they act out, they're just scared--they don't think I'm evil. 

[Mie]

We too have been together 10 years, or actually we met 10 years ago, and technically moved together 9 years ago. So obviously there is more good than bad in the relationship, to put it black and white ;-)

Yes, alcohol is one of the issues. It simply goes too far. I'm not moralizing, I do drink too and sometimes more than enough, but not for example when I should be doing something else - like attend a meeting! Not to mention drunk driving... .And as far as I know I don't turn into a monster.

I came back (since a couple of years) to this forum, because I feel again very lonely as someone with BPD partner. Otherwise I'm not lonely at all, it's funny... .like I'm living in 2 different worlds.

Someone said , probably in this forum, that 'think of your BPD partner as an exotic pet' (Very strange - but you put up with it).

[Cat Familiar]

Someone said , probably in this forum, that 'think of your BPD partner as an exotic pet' (Very strange - but you put up with it).

I love that. I'm moving out of grief for what cannot be (relationship of equals) to appreciating "the Kodak moments" as my therapist terms it--obviously a reference that would be missed by those who came of age after film cameras went extinct.

Exotic pet--I have many--goats, sheep, horses, cats... .and I don't expect them to be different to meet my needs, so why should I expect it of my husband?

Funny thing--he likes some of the animals (from a distance)--but he's closer to the cats. But he's always wondering if they still like him!