She went nuts after bathroom faucet broke

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does this happen to anyone else (and I imagine it does)? The evening was going perfectly fine and we were about to give our 2yoS a bath before putting him to bed. Everyone was happy. After she finished pouring his bath, she went to turn off the faucet and something broke on the handle and it wouldn't shut off. She started freaking out, yelling and screaming about how we "should have bought a move in ready house." Now, the house we bought needs some repairs but it is by no means in that rough of condition for the most part. We knew that going in.

A word of advice for those of you buying houses with BPD or uBPD spouses: buy an already flipped house. Don't buy a fixer upper. My wife is stressed out all the time as it is, but doing renovations and thinking about every little cost stresses her out worse. The real kicker of all this is that we were just about to buy a flipped house, when the seller came back and wanted more money from us, leveraging another offer. I knew how nice the flip was and was willing to do it. She of course said NO WAY and we turned it down. We found our current house which was a pretty good deal and in a really nice neighborhood. Anyways, any time something comes up that breaks or needs to be fixed she places the blame on me (of course).

She yelled and screamed for what was probably an hour, before I finally was able to turn off just the faucet using pliers. She broke a couple of our closet doors in her rage, and I had a hard time restraining myself. I am resigning myself to the fact that crap like this will happen and there's not a d@*% thing I can do about it. I can't even bring myself to talk to my friends about what happens, only my mother-in-law who has seen all too much of this behavior. This "Mr. Hyde" is so far different than the Dr. Jekyll I'm so used to 90% of the time. 90% heaven, 10% hell, that's what our marriage is.

[guitarguy09]

Does this happen to anyone else (and I imagine it does)? The evening was going perfectly fine and we were about to give our 2yoS a bath before putting him to bed. Everyone was happy. After she finished pouring his bath, she went to turn off the faucet and something broke on the handle and it wouldn't shut off. She started freaking out, yelling and screaming about how we "should have bought a move in ready house." Now, the house we bought needs some repairs but it is by no means in that rough of condition for the most part. We knew that going in.

A word of advice for those of you buying houses with BPD or uBPD spouses: buy an already flipped house. Don't buy a fixer upper. My wife is stressed out all the time as it is, but doing renovations and thinking about every little cost stresses her out worse. The real kicker of all this is that we were just about to buy a flipped house, when the seller came back and wanted more money from us, leveraging another offer. I knew how nice the flip was and was willing to do it. She of course said NO WAY and we turned it down. We found our current house which was a pretty good deal and in a really nice neighborhood. Anyways, any time something comes up that breaks or needs to be fixed she places the blame on me (of course).

She yelled and screamed for what was probably an hour, before I finally was able to turn off just the faucet using pliers. She broke a couple of our closet doors in her rage, and I had a hard time restraining myself. I am resigning myself to the fact that crap like this will happen and there's not a d@*% thing I can do about it. I can't even bring myself to talk to my friends about what happens, only my mother-in-law who has seen all too much of this behavior. This "Mr. Hyde" is so far different than the Dr. Jekyll I'm so used to 90% of the time. 90% heaven, 10% hell, that's what our marriage is.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mstnghu]

I can definitely relate. My wife and I rent but I still understand. We previously rented a really nice fully remodeled house in a very desirable neighborhood and had a really good deal on rent. We were there for 5 years until this past May our landlord decided he needed to sell his primary residence and move back into "our" house. The rental market is very tight where we live and I scrambled hard to find a good house in a good neighborhood.

We finally settled but ended up in a nicely upgraded house on a nice block and pay substantially more in rent... .and are close to some sketchier parts of town. My wife has done nothing but complain for the last few months. She used to complain about our last house and I always tried to convince her of how good we had it. I understand now that she'll never be happy anywhere. She's already told me that she wants to move once our year lease is up. I told her "good luck". She can find a place on her own. The rental market is even tighter now than it was a few months ago and prices have gone up even more.

[Cat Familiar]

My husband gets really stressed out about home repairs, but I'm the one who takes care of all that--he hasn't a clue how to do anything. What I can't fix myself, I hire someone to do. Then he gets stressed because someone else is on the property and it will cost us money--of which he has plenty.

It used to really pi&& me off because I like to keep everything well maintained and for him it seems unnecessary. Now I'm realizing that his negative reaction (which can be extreme at times) is just another manifestation of BPD.

[empathic]

Yes, it's the same here. Every unexpected thing that happens is a disaster. Things break, that's like a law of nature, what good does it do to go nuts over it?

We've owned a couple of houses over the years, and every time the same pattern has evolved. She will after a while find flaws with the house that she constantly complains about. She's never satisfied.

It's not until recently that she's been able to do things like call an electrician by herself. Before I had to make all the calls to handymen, and negotiate what time they could come do the repairs, even though she was the one who was at home. And she'd quickly get in a bad mood if I didn't call immediately, despite having things to do at work.

[Cat Familiar]

We have 10 acres and a variety of animals who add to the entropy by breaking things. Today I'm going to check the pipe insulation on the goat and sheep waterers, since the goats have learned how much fun it is to strip the pipes of the silver bubble wrap tape and it's likely that we'll soon have freezing temperatures.

Until I realized that my husband's anger and frustration about me doing chores on the property is due to BPD, I was taking it very personally. He'd say, "you're always working" which really isn't true because I'm not that industrious anymore, now that most systems are functioning well.

We are fundamentally different people--something I didn't realize that would create so much havoc between us. He is a retired lawyer, who now sees himself as a scholar and spends most of his time indoors reading. I'm a country girl--with extensive gardens and animals of many species who I consider family members. I had hoped when we got together that we could merge our interests, but he's afraid of getting his hands dirty and I have little interest in traveling. I was more open to his interests at the beginning (10 years ago), but when mine weren't reciprocated, I started to be less willing to accommodate his.

When we got married, we did a huge addition to the house I built, which was a nightmare in large part due to a deceitful contractor. It took a few years to finish, but now it's beautiful and things are running smoothly. But whenever something breaks, which is inevitable, it's a disaster in his mind and he sort of blames me for all the problems the house has--or at least it feels like that. I keep telling myself that it's his BPD, but he seems to have this fantasy world, where nothing should ever go wrong with a fairly new house.

And when simple things fail (like lightbulbs in his studio), he doesn't replace them--and he gets mad (not grateful) when I replace them. So weird! Done venting now.

[Grey Kitty]

She yelled and screamed for what was probably an hour, before I finally was able to turn off just the faucet using pliers. She broke a couple of our closet doors in her rage, and I had a hard time restraining myself. I am resigning myself to the fact that crap like this will happen and there's not a d@*% thing I can do about it.

Uhg.

I would suggest two things for you to do about it.

First: Leave those broken closet doors exactly where they are. If she says something, say "You broke them, you fix them." and end the conversation. Cleaning up her 'mess' is too enabling.

My second suggestion: If she was yelling at YOU over the faucet, that is completely unacceptable, especially while you are trying to fix it.

An appropriate response to that would be something like: "I'm trying to fix the leak right now. Stop screaming at me."

If she keeps screaming AT you, or making it hard to work... .20/20 hindsight for me says to do something like shutting the house's main water off and going away to get out of the abuse.

Of course, this is long done, and you don't get to replay it. But you are correct--things like this will happen again. Prepare constructive responses that protect you, and leave her crap out for her to deal with.

[flowerpath]

First: Leave those broken closet doors exactly where they are. If she says something, say "You broke them, you fix them." and end the conversation. Cleaning up her 'mess' is too enabling.

This is excellent advice.  I wish I had known 30 years ago what I know now.  I have patched countless holes he made in walls, wiped up his spit (not a typo) off the floor, cleaned up food that he threw in anger, bought new items to replace the broken ones, and early in our marriage, called a landlord myself about a sliding glass door that my husband smashed into a million tiny pieces.

I took care of things myself because the mess was a visual reminder of what had happened, not realizing that I was enabling the behavior. I didn't know how long he would leave it that way.  Cleaning it up was my way of putting things back in order the best that I could and wiping the slate clean. 

And on the topic of this thread:  He can break things, and feels justified, but he sure doesn't cope well if something he didn't break has to be repaired. 

[Cat Familiar]

This is a difficult one for me since I'm kind of OCD. When my husband's alcohol abuse has become excessive, he'll treat himself to midnight snacks and leave ___ all over the kitchen--cabinets open, sticky stuff and food debris on the floor and counters, broken glass from dropping his wine glasses (he'll pick up the big pieces).

Having had an aunt who was a perfectionist, I don't see myself as that extreme, but I do like things neat and clean and to wake up and be confronted with a disaster really p%sses me off.

I took care of things myself because the mess was a visual reminder of what had happened, not realizing that I was enabling the behavior. I didn't know how long he would leave it that way.  Cleaning it up was my way of putting things back in order the best that I could and wiping the slate clean.  

 

[Grey Kitty]

This is a difficult one for me since I'm kind of OCD.

... .

I do like things neat and clean and to wake up and be confronted with a disaster really p%sses me off.

Cleaning up after him is enabling, as it protects him from the consequences of his mess.

Leaving a mess around that you personally find disturbing or even dangerous is acting against your own needs and values.

It is a tough choice, no way around it.

I'll bet there are quite a few situations where you have this dilemma to deal with. Most likely the consequences of leaving the mess around vary quite a bit. They consequences aren't always evenly distributed between you and him, either.

Whatever you do... .if you think about it and decide which feels like the right way for you to deal with this specific mess, this specific morning, you will feel better about your own action, instead of feeling trapped, controlled, or manipulated by him.

Just curious... .have you ever left the mess just to see how long he will let it go?

[Cat Familiar]

Yep, I have left the mess--to some extent--not broken glass. He will clean some of it up, but he's oblivious to the sticky stuff and the dropped food. The man doesn't know how to work a broom and has never operated the vacuum cleaner.

He does "clean" his studio. I do nothing there and the dust bunnies can bite your ankles.

[ColdEthyl]

Yep this crap happens to me too. My husband flips the second something breaks. It turns into how much the POS of the house is, how we should move etc etc but trust me... .moving with him was horrible. Total freakouts.

The money problems (not hug money issues, but we do live paycheck to paycheck) are the same way. Are we EVER going to be able to not be poor blah blah is life ALWAYS got to be so hard. He talked about how a drain he is on the family (he actually brings in income from his social security) and says he should get a life insurance policy and kill himself because I deserve better than this. He gets all over the place with problems.

I'm like dude... .life is always one problem after another. But they can't NOT sweat the small stuff.

[mstnghu]

Yep this crap happens to me too. My husband flips the second something breaks. It turns into how much the POS of the house is, how we should move etc etc but trust me... .moving with him was horrible. Total freakouts.

The money problems (not hug money issues, but we do live paycheck to paycheck) are the same way. Are we EVER going to be able to not be poor blah blah is life ALWAYS got to be so hard. He talked about how a drain he is on the family (he actually brings in income from his social security) and says he should get a life insurance policy and kill himself because I deserve better than this. He gets all over the place with problems.

I'm like dude... .life is always one problem after another. But they can't NOT sweat the small stuff.

I've had to move with my wife twice now. It's absolute Hell! It took us a good full two months to finally be "moved in" because she kept finding ridiculous things to complain about that needed to be fixed or remodeled... .never mind that it's a rental and we don't even own it. We're finally moved in, but she still complains non-stop about the house. It's actually a pretty nice house. Our last house was nicer but the new place is still fine. Nothing's ever good enough for her though.

As far as the money issues, we also are basically living paycheck to paycheck these days. I've expressed to my wife many times that I'm ready for a career change and am working toward having a better livelihood. She constantly complains about not having enough money but when I talk to her about working to get a better paying job, she completely puts on the brakes! It makes no sense at all. She wants more money but doesn't want to be supportive of me trying to pursue better career options. I feel like she's constantly trying to tie my hands behind my back and not let me do anything productive in life.

[Olinda]

One thing no one had mentioned yet is the two year old witnessing this rage and tantrum. That is so scary for a little one. I would want to be thinking about how to protect him from this out of control upset. Especially when it starts around during that could be considered the child's fault. Children often blame themselves for abusive behaviour of their parents and i can see that being a huge issue later on.  That kind of upset in front of a toddler, loud, scary, breaking things is not acceptable. I would be placing some boundaries on that, i believe, and figuring out a way to leave the house at the first sign of overboard reaction, leaving with child, of course.

[maxsterling]

Great discussion here - I can relate to just about all of it!

Regarding enabling - it's a tough call.  When I get into those situations, I try to ask myself if I am helping/fixing for me or for her.  Sometimes you have to fix something in order to have what you need.  If she doesn't want to clean - I don't leave it for her because I don't want to live in a filthy house.  When I come home from work I cook for the both of us, because I need to eat.  Does it prevent her from learning to keep her own house clean or feed herself?  I don't know.  She's 39, and if she hasn't learned that by now, it's not my job to teach her.  Now for non essential things, a "you broke it you fix it" attitude is certainly appropriate.  Will she learn from it?  Probably not.  But it does save you from wasting your life and energy on her problems. 

I've certainly seen her rage over things beyond my control.  Things other people said or did to her.  Acts of god.  And she finds a way to make it about me.  A guy cut me off on the road and I was angry.  She said it was my fault for not signaling correctly or making a wide turn.  Two days later, the exact same thing happened to her.  I try to remind her when things are beyond my control, but most of the time she is not receptive at first.

[Cat Familiar]

It's hard to get over the "unfairness" of unequal responsibilities sometimes. And when you have more stringent standards of cleanliness or keeping things maintained, it can be terribly frustrating to live with a slob or a "teenage" spouse.

I'm trying to do a lot of reinforcement for little things, being explicit about what I'm thanking my BPDh for, but not going into too much detail and starting to JADE. It really is just like animal training--reinforcing the small details, rather than the big picture

[ColdEthyl]

It's hard to get over the "unfairness" of unequal responsibilities sometimes. And when you have more stringent standards of cleanliness or keeping things maintained, it can be terribly frustrating to live with a slob or a "teenage" spouse.

I'm trying to do a lot of reinforcement for little things, being explicit about what I'm thanking my BPDh for, but not going into too much detail and starting to JADE. It really is just like animal training--reinforcing the small details, rather than the big picture

I do that too, Cat. I was upset for quit a while about the unfairness of chores/duties, and sometimes still do when I'm tired or overwhelmed. I had to decide if this is something I'm willing to live with... .and for me I was. I like having things done my way anyways, who better to do it than me? I thank him for the things he does or tries to do, and ask him to help me here and there. I don't expect him to do a thing while I'm not around.

[Cat Familiar]

I do that too, Cat. I was upset for quit a while about the unfairness of chores/duties, and sometimes still do when I'm tired or overwhelmed. I had to decide if this is something I'm willing to live with... .and for me I was. I like having things done my way anyways, who better to do it than me? I thank him for the things he does or tries to do, and ask him to help me here and there. I don't expect him to do a thing while I'm not around.

 

I know what you mean, Ethyl, about having things done your way. I complained about dinner always being my responsibility--and it used to really set me off when he'd ask, "what are we going to do tonight?"

First of all, there was never any "we" in the "do" part. Oh, maybe he'd stick a dish or two in the dishwasher, so he thought he was equally participating,

But when I cook, I simultaneoulsly clean up after myself, so there's little to do after we've finished eating.

However my complaints actually motivated him to cook now and then and sometimes I'm sorry I even brought up the topic in the first place because of the disaster I have to contend with when he's done.

I will say that he does take me out to dinner and I'm grateful, but his kitchen skills leave a lot to be desired. The funny thing is that when we were dating, he told me that he did all the cooking for his ex. They must have lived on ramen noodles and frozen entrees.

My ex called me a perfectionist and I admit to having some OCD, but I know what a true perfectionist is and I'm nowhere close. My aunt could have given Martha Stewart a run for her money. She was not only gorgeous and always perfectly groomed, and her house looked like it was ready for a photo shoot at all times.

[ColdEthyl]

Haha!

I'm pretty lucky on the other side other that my husband is fabulous cook and griller. He's particular (shocked I know) about is food, and he really does a great job. I don't mind dishes when he cooks. I mostly mind the bedroom looking like someone dumped a trash bag in it (he pretty much lives in there) but that's the one I let go. I clean it up when I want to. I'll ask him to help, most of the time he will. Minimally, but it's better than where we started

I do that too, Cat. I was upset for quit a while about the unfairness of chores/duties, and sometimes still do when I'm tired or overwhelmed. I had to decide if this is something I'm willing to live with... .and for me I was. I like having things done my way anyways, who better to do it than me? I thank him for the things he does or tries to do, and ask him to help me here and there. I don't expect him to do a thing while I'm not around.

 

I know what you mean, Ethyl, about having things done your way. I complained about dinner always being my responsibility--and it used to really set me off when he'd ask, "what are we going to do tonight?"

First of all, there was never any "we" in the "do" part. Oh, maybe he'd stick a dish or two in the dishwasher, so he thought he was equally participating,

But when I cook, I simultaneoulsly clean up after myself, so there's little to do after we've finished eating.

However my complaints actually motivated him to cook now and then and sometimes I'm sorry I even brought up the topic in the first place because of the disaster I have to contend with when he's done.

I will say that he does take me out to dinner and I'm grateful, but his kitchen skills leave a lot to be desired. The funny thing is that when we were dating, he told me that he did all the cooking for his ex. They must have lived on ramen noodles and frozen entrees.

My ex called me a perfectionist and I admit to having some OCD, but I know what a true perfectionist is and I'm nowhere close. My aunt could have given Martha Stewart a run for her money. She was not only gorgeous and always perfectly groomed, and her house looked like it was ready for a photo shoot at all times.

[Cat Familiar]

Lucky you, Ethyl. A messy bedroom vs. a good cook/griller. I know which choice I'd take.

I'm lucky in that when we added on to the little house I built many years ago, we built a separate studio for him--so I don't have to deal with his messes--except in the kitchen, living room and dining room. Thank goodness I was adamant enough to to realize that our relationship would work better with space.

[ColdEthyl]

Good for you on that! I think when my children are grown and gone and we down size, I'm going to maintain he has his own space, and I have mine.

Lucky you, Ethyl. A messy bedroom vs. a good cook/griller. I know which choice I'd take.

I'm lucky in that when we added on to the little house I built many years ago, we built a separate studio for him--so I don't have to deal with his messes--except in the kitchen, living room and dining room. Thank goodness I was adamant enough to to realize that our relationship would work better with space.

[Cat Familiar]

I've been working on the food concept--that it should be a shared responsibility and today he went grocery shopping and acted like such a martyr for having to think of something to cook. Poor him! 

[guitarguy09]

Yep this crap happens to me too. My husband flips the second something breaks. It turns into how much the POS of the house is, how we should move etc etc but trust me... .moving with him was horrible. Total freakouts.

The money problems (not hug money issues, but we do live paycheck to paycheck) are the same way. Are we EVER going to be able to not be poor blah blah is life ALWAYS got to be so hard. He talked about how a drain he is on the family (he actually brings in income from his social security) and says he should get a life insurance policy and kill himself because I deserve better than this. He gets all over the place with problems.

I'm like dude... .life is always one problem after another. But they can't NOT sweat the small stuff.

First, thank you all for the replies! I was away from this site for a while because of all the home improvements we were doing as well as dealing with two small kids, one of which was just starting to walk.

ColdEthyl, I swear my wife and your husband could be the same person. She exaggerates and always fantasizes about moving into a townhome, as if they have no problems. She says what a POS our house is and has threatened to sell probably at least 25 times since we moved in a couple years ago. We are just finishing redoing our kitchen and some other projects. Now she says "now we have one awesome room, just makes me think how crappy a lot of other rooms are". LOL. I reminded her we have to do one room at a time. Now it doesn't help that I have a sister and brother in law who make a lot more money than we do and live in a bigger house and drive newer cars.

[isilme]

Cleaning up after him is enabling, as it protects him from the consequences of his mess.

Leaving a mess around that you personally find disturbing or even dangerous is acting against your own needs and values.

It is a tough choice, no way around it.

... .

Just curious... .have you ever left the mess just to see how long he will let it go?

I've come to the realization that my need for clean is often more important to my well-being than any desire for him to clean up things.  I could leave something on the floor and it would stay for weeks/months if left to him to pick up.  And that just messes with MY calm, so I clean.  I straighten a little each night, and during the day, and do major cleaning either when he's out of the house or a guest is coming or we are leaving for a trip (I have this silly belief that I will certainly die on a trip if my house is messy, since I'd be embarrassed by someone having to come in and dispose of my stuff).

House repairs, car repairs - all me.  He's never called a plumber, phone/internet lineman, electrician, AC company, isn't the one to take off work, and even if he's home, I'm the one to talk to repairmen, to get the cars to the shop for inspections, routine car, and actual repairs.

Sinks - I replaced both sets of faucets as needed.  I knew he'd A) not fit under them and B) not have the patience needed to unscrew the under-handle-nuts that were nicely caked on with years of rust and sediment from being in a bathroom.

I know his coping abilities are essentially disabled, and most days I can work through it, and try to not feel resentful over doing the majority of "grown-up" stuff.

When something breaks, invariably, it's my fault.  Over the years, I will admit he HAS gotten a little better at not freaking out to the maximum level immediately, but it can still happen.