BPD and 'future plan'

[Mie]

One of the most challenging issues with a BPD partner is 'talking about future'.

I like to understand the big picture, make scenarios, strategies and plans, on different levels. This is also necessary for my work, and it's my way of thinking. However, I don't plot, that's quite different, and I've never planned how my life should go.

I have learned not to think aloud about any ideas or plans, because it makes him nervous (at least). It's a miracle that we ever built a house, because there is a lot of planning as well as commitment involved - and ( I understand now) it's not a surprise that we lost it.

I'd like to think that setting goals is a normal thing to do, to manage practicalities in life. But seems that goals are something bad for him, BPD. If there is a goal, the nearer you get the more you find reasons not to get there, and once you manage to fail, it's someone elses fault, and there is a good reason to rage. That rage never goes away, and it's fueled by all other disapointments (caused by other people) in the storage. Oh, that storage is endless inspiration... .

Ok... .We seem to be reaching one goal that was accidentally set, as we have an opportunity to start a cafe: to make profitable business and actually living for ourselves. We are not yet there but it looks good! It's low season now and we are struggling, and we made some costly mistakes (I did, not him of course), but according to our accountant and some experienced people we have a great concept and it will work.

Now my partner is a total mess. We should make some decicions which requires open conversation of what we want. I told him I want to make business running and healthy and then pay the debts and go on with life. He goes berserk: I am a greedy b___ and want to use him, he takes all the risks and I want to walk away with the money... .

For a couple of monts he has been saying: I just want to get some money, go on with MY life, we can be friends fo ever, and I will visit you (at this point he gets sarcastic and tries to imitate me) and I will love you for ever. So far this is the only 'future plan' I have ever heard from him. I don't know what to think of it.

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