Advice on replying to an email

[ugghh]

Hi All,

Looking for a little feedback or advice on how to respond to an email from uBPDexw.

Divorce finalized July. 3 kids D21,S19,S17. She is uBPD/uNPD and kids have limited or no contact. More detailed background in prior posts.

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uBPDexw sent me email today indicating that she would be out of town for Thanksgiving but would like to have the kids join her for brunch on Sunday the 30th. Goes on to say that she is giving me a couple weeks notice so I don't intentionally plan something during that time and she does not wish to "compete" with me and my family. She would like my cooperation in encouraging kids to spend time with her.

I reply that i have relayed message and "encouraged" kids to join her, however I have not spoken to my family about any plans other than Thanksgiving day.

Her last email comes across that she would appreciate if I would tell my family (mom, sisters, brother in law, nieces, nephews) not to make any plans that would compete with her time planned on Sunday morning.

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I have a range of thoughts about what to do with her last email. As some of you may recall she is continuing to try to push buttons, get me to waste funds on frivolous actions, and in general refuse to take any responsibility for her own actions.

Option 1- Radio silence. Normally this would have been my response to her initial email however we are dancing around a family access motion regarding S17 and I am trying to show a modicum of communication to buy some time until he is 18 in the spring.

Option 2 - Respond something along the lines of "Ex, I have honored your request to both inform and encourage the kids to join you for Sunday brunch. Regarding my family, all of them being adults of free will and determinant of their own necessities, I will not be telling my family how they may spend their time together." Considering adding a third sentence on inserting a second sentence along the lines of "I will be glad to take under consideration future requests directly related to the children."

Yes, I realize option 2 is essentially poking the bear and that is by design. Frankly she has continued to maintain her BPD, entitled, blaming pattern that led to the divorce in the first place. During the marriage she continuously rolled over both my own and the kids boundaries. Unless I want to constantly be responding to her nutty requests, I think I need to lay down the new law that the only thing I will communicate with her about is issues related to the kids. Period.

I have posted this question similarly on another forum I have frequented, however I typically trust the advice from this forum the most, as I think most general boards just really don't understand just how bad BPD really can be.

Thanks.

[Nope]

Poking the bear won't buy you more time. It'll only show her that this particular tactic gets your attention. You told her you did what you are supposed to do. Responding or not responding doesn't somehow commit you to do anything more or even emply that you won't do anything more.

My SD11 told me the other day that she feels she can tell her mom anything... .Except if it's something her mom might be avle to use to start a fight with her father. At 11 years old she is fully aware that her mom goes on fishing expeditions for information she can use so that she can get in fights with dad. From everything I've read on these boards, BPDs are just as happy with negative engagement as they are with positive.

[enlighten me]

Hi ugghh

im not aware of your circumstances but will let you know how I handle my ex wife who has custody and the benefits of it.

when we make plans we stick to it. It gives a firm boundary. If I am due to have the kids but she wants to do something with them then I ask the kids if they want to and if they do I allow it. If not then I dont.

By having to negotiate changes and giving the kids the input into the decision then it doesnt leave her much to complain about. If I have plans and havent told her then it is my fault if there is any confliction. If I dont have plans then letting her have the kids shows that I am acting reasonably.

At the end of the day your children are more perceptive than you think and the more contact they have with her the more they will pick up on. As long as you can take the moral high ground it will work in your favour.

I would ask the kids if they want to go and if they do then let them. With hearings coming up you want to show that you have been reasonable and not obstructive.

[david]

 If the kids don't want to see her than that is between her and the kids. I assume you have enough evidence to show she is the one that distanced herself from them so you can show you are not alienating the kids from her.

I don't think you need to say anything more than you already did.

If the kids want to see her than let them.

[confused_dad]

Poking the bear won't buy you more time. It'll only show her that this particular tactic gets your attention. ... .

I just had a flashback to a Glen Larson cartoon www.sashadichter.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/gary-larson-blah-blah-ginger.jpg where a human is scolding a dog.  All the dog hears is "blah blah blah DogsName blah blah blah... ."

Translating this to BPD-world, all they probably hear is "blah blah reaction reaction blah blah blha reaction blah blha... ."

[scraps66]

Option 1 looks to be the shortest and probably best response.  Or a simple, OK.  Opening a dialogue is not what you want to do.

[Aussie JJ]

Hi uBPDexw,

I acknowledge receipt of your e-mail and will always do what is in the kids best interests.  I have informed them that on the 30th you plan to spend time with them and you will contact them to discuss this matter and they are going to tell me what is organised, I will facilitate this. 

I have no control over my extended family and their actions or plans, please feel free to discuss this matter with them directly if you have any concerns. 

Regards,


exHUSBANDwithasoul. 

[livednlearned]

I reply that i have relayed message and "encouraged" kids to join her, however I have not spoken to my family about any plans other than Thanksgiving day.

Just want to clarify -- does this mean you included in the message that you have not spoken to your family about any plans other than Thanksgiving?

Her last email comes across that she would appreciate if I would tell my family (mom, sisters, brother in law, nieces, nephews) not to make any plans that would compete with her time planned on Sunday morning.

I think if you've already responded, then no further response is necessary. Even with a custody situation in play, you have met the minimum requirement for reasonable communication.

It seems like there is often a messy stage after divorce when one or both parties are still disentangling, and it gets played out around kids and family obligations. If you have strong values about the kids spending time with their mom, that's between you and the kids. But if you are done, detached, and don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out, then radio silence is totally appropriate. It's not reasonable for her to dictate to you what your family does.

Option 2 is about vindication. I no longer trust that feeling because it's a form of negative engagement. It might feel good to put her in her place, but it's still engagement.

Also, just an observation. I noticed my ex really dysregulated around holidays after my divorce, almost like clock work. Your ex may be experiencing wacky stuff because holidays can do that to people, and she is feeling bent even more out of shape because of her BPD traits. The best thing you can do for yourself is to lay low and not engage so that you can enjoy the holidays. She'll learn over time that you can't be rattled, and isn't that what you're really going for?