Hard Day Cont'd 7...

[MaroonLiquid]

Texted my wife to tell her to have a good day and that I loved her.  No response and that's ok.  I know formflier and others have told me to stop looking at her posts on Facebook and I am starting to understand why, but can't not look.  It's hard not to look and can't figure out why either, which means it isn't healthy.  I don't think she is doing well emotionally again.  I saw that she posted an article on Facebook titled, "10 Ways To Stop Treating Yourself Badly".  Didn't see it till after I texted her.  I'm beginning to wonder if this is all for attention (people post on her stuff and give her the "Go you" crap) at the same time for my "benefit" or lack thereof.  Again, I know people have told me I can't look at that and try and figure out what she means.  I'm wondering why she didn't have the normal dysregulation that she has had in the past and rage at me.  I know this sounds nuts, but that would have been better than this!  At least I would have had something to pin the rage on.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  I'm wondering 

Couple things... .all of this is meant to help.  I am convinced that getting these items straight will dramatically improve your r/s and your outlook on life.

Stop wondering.  Be intentional.  Intend to learn a lesson... .decide what is healthy behavior for you to show in your r/s... and then show it.  Note:  I'm talking about your behavior... .because you control 100% of that. 

The only reason to "note" or "observe" your wife's behavior is to make sure you understand what tool to use... .or what the proper response is.  Also... .to make sure you don't invalidate.  At that point... .STOP thinking about your wife's behaviors... .thoughts... plans... .desires... .  Another way of saying... .don't wonder why.

This is for good and bad.  When she does good... validate and reinforce... .try to get momentum.

You know that you should not look at FB as much as you do.  If you are having a hard time stopping... .discuss that with your T... .

But... .you know what you need to do.  Do it. 

Another way:  You know what not to do.  Don't do that!

[MaroonLiquid]

  I'm wondering 

Couple things... .all of this is meant to help.  I am convinced that getting these items straight will dramatically improve your r/s and your outlook on life.

Stop wondering.  Be intentional.  Intend to learn a lesson... .decide what is healthy behavior for you to show in your r/s... and then show it.  Note:  I'm talking about your behavior... .because you control 100% of that. 

The only reason to "note" or "observe" your wife's behavior is to make sure you understand what tool to use... .or what the proper response is.  Also... .to make sure you don't invalidate.  At that point... .STOP thinking about your wife's behaviors... .thoughts... plans... .desires... .  Another way of saying... .don't wonder why.

This is for good and bad.  When she does good... validate and reinforce... .try to get momentum.

You know that you should not look at FB as much as you do.  If you are having a hard time stopping... .discuss that with your T... .

But... .you know what you need to do.  Do it. 

Another way:  You know what not to do.  Don't do that!

What more can I do to make this r/s better that I haven't already done?  I feel I am showing what is healthy in this relationship and just when I think there is momentum, it's derailed by her.  I know that is part of her BPD traits, and I know I can only control myself which is what I am trying to do.  I feel I'm doing very well staying "steady in the boat" with her and have for 5 months.  I am also looking at behaviors from her to help with the "tools" and not invalidate.  Maybe I did the other morning when I asked her about two issues that I thought may be bothering her.  I thought (because of what she said to me at dinner that she was trying to let more things go and "let me in", she would open up to me and instead, went completely silent.  I did very well validating her last week which she told me she saw I was different, and now this.  I try and text her this morning to have a good day and that I love her because it is true.  Honestly, for 5 months I have consistently put myself out there and yet I feel more and more taken advantage of.  Now it's time to come to getting the "car situation" taken care of and she drops off the map.  Convenient and typical of her behavior these last five months.

[Grey Kitty]

Maroon, are you saying that you find it uncomfortable that she's changing the brand or flavor of crazy she's throwing at you? Even though this version seems a little less toxic than the one you are used to?

If so... .that's OK. Change is uncomfortable.

[MaroonLiquid]

  I'm wondering 

Couple things... .all of this is meant to help.  I am convinced that getting these items straight will dramatically improve your r/s and your outlook on life.

Stop wondering.  Be intentional.  Intend to learn a lesson... .decide what is healthy behavior for you to show in your r/s... and then show it.  Note:  I'm talking about your behavior... .because you control 100% of that. 

The only reason to "note" or "observe" your wife's behavior is to make sure you understand what tool to use... .or what the proper response is.  Also... .to make sure you don't invalidate.  At that point... .STOP thinking about your wife's behaviors... .thoughts... plans... .desires... .  Another way of saying... .don't wonder why.

This is for good and bad.  When she does good... validate and reinforce... .try to get momentum.

You know that you should not look at FB as much as you do.  If you are having a hard time stopping... .discuss that with your T... .

But... .you know what you need to do.  Do it. 

Another way:  You know what not to do.  Don't do that!

What more can I do to make this r/s better that I haven't already done?  I feel I am showing what is healthy in this relationship and just when I think there is momentum, it's derailed by her.  I know that is part of her BPD traits, and I know I can only control myself which is what I am trying to do.  I feel I'm doing very well staying "steady in the boat" with her and have for 5 months.  I am also looking at behaviors from her to help with the "tools" and not invalidate.  Maybe I did the other morning when I asked her about two issues that I thought may be bothering her.  I thought (because of what she said to me at dinner that she was trying to let more things go and "let me in", she would open up to me and instead, went completely silent.  I did very well validating her last week which she told me she saw I was different, and now this.  I try and text her this morning to have a good day and that I love her because it is true.  Honestly, for 5 months I have consistently put myself out there and yet I feel more and more taken advantage of.  Now it's time to come to getting the "car situation" taken care of and she drops off the map.  Convenient and typical of her behavior these last five months.

GK, yes, pretty much.  It is uncomfortable because now it just seems more heinous, narcissistic and thought out. 

[formflier]

What more can I do to make this r/s better that I haven't already done? 

Stop wondering... .stop reading her FB.  Sorry... .you asked... .

which is what I am trying to do.  

Take some time out... .watch Empire Strikes Back... .in fact... .google for good Yoda quotes.  I think I've got it right when I recommend... ."no trying... .only doing"  or something to that affect.

Again... .I'm convinced you know what to do.  Do it.

[Grey Kitty]

GK, yes, pretty much.  It is uncomfortable because now it just seems more heinous, narcissistic and thought out. 

Let me suggest that you spend more time with your feelings about it... .and less with your guesses as to her motivation.

One of my favorite sayings from one of my many wise friends applies here: "You won't find any cheese at the end of that maze."

And yes... .it *IS* hard to do it this way. That's the price of admission for being more emotionally mature about this than either she is, or you were before. And what it buys you will ultimately be more peace and an easier time doing the right thing, whether it is saving your marriage, or living well after ending it.

 GK

[Rapt Reader]

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Hard Day Cont'd 8.