Do they really believe it's all our fault or are they just mad at themselves?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know I put in a good HEALTHY effort into the relationship and even went beyond normal in sacrifices of friends to make my exUBPDgf happy and never cheated or even had any females that I spoke to for that matter, I gave all my time, money, labor, love and I am the blame of everything.  What's your opinion on this?  Are they really that backwards to believe it's all us or are they lashing out at us in anger because they are backwards and mad at themselves for losing something good?

[Targeted]

I know I put in a good HEALTHY effort into the relationship and even went beyond normal in sacrifices of friends to make my exUBPDgf happy and never cheated or even had any females that I spoke to for that matter, I gave all my time, money, labor, love and I am the blame of everything.  What's your opinion on this?  Are they really that backwards to believe it's all us or are they lashing out at us in anger because they are backwards and mad at themselves for losing something good?

[enlighten me]

Its because theyre mad at themselves. They feel that they made a bad choice because you didnt meet their expectations. They also know that their behaviour is wrong but blame you because they cannot be at fault as it shatters their perfect image of themselves.

[pieceofme]

i truly believe my ex thinks it's my fault. he even blamed me for his cheating; i had "made him mad." towards the end, he told me, "no matter what you do to me, a part of me will always care." WHAT I DID TO HIM! my head nearly exploded.

[Deeno02]

Oh, it was all my fault. Accepted zero responsibility for anything at all. All me. Whatever... .

[Targeted]

Enlighten,  I think they should also be upset with themselves for having totally unrealistic relationship expectations!  Pieceofme- my ex girlfriend blamed me for her cheating as well, she broke up with me for three days because a friend of mine that was a guy called me and even though she had never met him she did not like him.  It is my fault that you cheated because I should've stOpped her and if I really loved her I would not have allowed her to break up with me.?  I am just so glad my brain does not work like that! Just a little upset at myself for forgiving at the time when I should Have run,  deeno--  I see in your posts you are with a woman with five children?  How many of them have different fathers?  Mine had four children and still wanted to make me The fifth dad.    YUP. 4for4.   But I bought helr bullcrap stories and excuses, she was really good at those, it is amazing how they make you think that you are the one I kick myself in the A** now for even trying this relationship

[Deeno02]

Enlighten,  I think they should also be upset with themselves for having totally unrealistic relationship expectations!  Pieceofme- my ex girlfriend blamed me for her cheating as well, she broke up with me for three days because a friend of mine that was a guy called me and even though she had never met him she did not like him.  It is my fault that you cheated because I should've stOpped her and if I really loved her I would not have allowed her to break up with me.?  I am just so glad my brain does not work like that! Just a little upset at myself for forgiving at the time when I should Have run,  deeno--  I see in your posts you are with a woman with five children?  How many of them have different fathers?  Mine had four children and still wanted to make me The fifth dad.    YUP. 4for4.   But I bought helr bullcrap stories and excuses, she was really good at those, it is amazing how they make you think that you are the one I kick myself in the A** now for even trying this relationship

Cares... One dad. Her ex, I guess, was smart enough after 15 years of her BS and left. I was the replacement for that mess. Concerned she may recycle because Im the first guy. Im ready to stop her if she tries.

[Lion Fire]

Its because theyre mad at themselves. They feel that they made a bad choice because you didnt meet their expectations. They also know that their behaviour is wrong but blame you because they cannot be at fault as it shatters their perfect image of themselves.

Perfectly put! She was upset with herself, not because of her sick behaviour and insanity. She only blamed herself for falling in love with the wrong man... .AGAIN. No accountability, no remorse. Any remorse, guilt or shame is hidden below many many layers of dysfunctional coping strategies. She really believes her warped account which is none of my business any more.

[Targeted]

I am not looking forward to recycle attempt again either! I fully well believe she will fail One or two relationships which should only take about six months, it has already been four months, I think she is going to try that really boldly because I did do everything for her, I mean everything, she lives like a hoarder, House was disgusting and i cleaned most of that up, I fixed trimwork, replaced doors, patched holes in the walls, not to mention all daily domestic needs such as cooking and taking care of the animals and so on, these were not small animals you need a trailer to move them, it never even dawned on me until writing this that all the interior work that I was fixing was probably The result of that stress and anger she created in the men that were there before me.  I don't want to be recycled again!  I am sure whoever she is with now or next Will eventually be punching a wall

[Targeted]

Also funny you mentioned that she is mad at herself for choosing the wrong man again.

I asked her Why she has failed so many relationships and her answer was I have made poor choices!  Along with men are abusive,  men are pigs,  men are dogs,  I just want to be married and they just wanted their cake and eat it too.    Relationships average only about 3 to 6 months throughout her life and her two marriages lasted only a year each.   

I'm finding it hard to believe that it's all the man's fault

[clydegriffith]

I think they are really just mad at themselves.

Whenever the BPDx tells me that she hates me i ask her why as her actions and her actions alone are what caused a nightmare situation for the both of us. She never gives me an answer but i think subconciously any ill will she has towards me is because i remind her of all the terrible things she did that she's either blocked out or convinced herself that she never did.

[Sylvia76]

I was wondering the same thing... .

I'm currently being blamed for everything from his spending habits to having the audacity to fall and crack my head open because "it puts too much pressure" on him.

We haven't broken up (yet) but he's already painting himself as the victim here and how it's going to look for him "when I leave him" (his words) and that he'll look like the bad guy when he never did anything wrong.

It's so frustrating his inability to see his part in any of this - it's all my fault.

[Blimblam]

To answer your question I think it's both in an opposed yet intertwined way.

[Deeno02]

I was wondering the same thing... .

I'm currently being blamed for everything from his spending habits to having the audacity to fall and crack my head open because "it puts too much pressure" on him.

We haven't broken up (yet) but he's already painting himself as the victim here and how it's going to look for him "when I leave him" (his words) and that he'll look like the bad guy when he never did anything wrong.

It's so frustrating his inability to see his part in any of this - it's all my fault.

Same here. All my fault. Whatever...

[fromheeltoheal]

This thread is full of posts by folks who had everything blamed on them, same for me.  So what are we doing about it?  What it forced me to do was look very deeply at my own motivations, reactions and coping mechanisms.  I wasn't perfect in the relationship, I made my mistakes, and I also don't beat myself up for that since none of us is perfect and I did do the best I could and my heart was in the right place.  So picking apart what was hers and what was mine, really, has been an exercise in honesty; it's easy to blame someone else for our woes, we all do it, and sometimes it's justified, others it's the pussies way out.  There's a lot of value in owning our sht.  And another piece I discovered about myself is I use 'protest behavior', as it's called, where I will resort to petty little sht sometimes, because I'm not able in the moment to muster the courage to talk about what's really going on with me, so I get petty about it.  That relationship wouldn't have been the place for that, she has a mental illness, but in other areas of my life that is something I've really been focusing on; spew my truth regardless, which is risky as hell sometimes and it's not always pretty, but it is mandatory, and today it's a whole lot better to remove unsupportive people from my life than it is to try and be someone I'm not.

[BrokenFamily]

I think they are really just mad at themselves.

Whenever the BPDx tells me that she hates me i ask her why as her actions and her actions alone are what caused a nightmare situation for the both of us. She never gives me an answer but i think subconciously any ill will she has towards me is because i remind her of all the terrible things she did that she's either blocked out or convinced herself that she never did.

Every time mine feels put in a corner with total logic that and has no choice but to realize her actions cause herself and our family such pain she either hangs up the phone or (if in person) hits me. Despite having the same problems with her family, friends, ex's and even my replacement she is in complete denial 

[Painterly2014]

Yeah, I have been blamed for everything too.  Either I made him mad, didn't do something he wanted me to do in a perfect way, Did something he didn't want me to do, had the wrong look on my face, asked a question the wrong way, answered a question the wrong way, and so on.  For these crimes, he cheated and lied and withheld affection, refused to speak to me for days on end, yelled and screamed, raged, threw my personal things away and more.  I stayed and stayed trying to fix it. I wasted 1/2 my life trying to do better, be better, act better, give him what he wanted. Then he had the last nasty fling and sat on the couch in front of me texting the other person and making plans for a weekend get away. I was able to get on the email from my IPAD and read it in real time. Then he blamed me for that too, because I didn't give him enough s*x and excitement and he felt lonely.  Never once dawned on him that his behavior was causing trouble. Not even with Therapy. He set fire to my life and then it was my fault I didn't get it put out quick enough.  Well then I found out he has BPD from the Therapist and that was the turning point for my self respect, and now he is out because he is still blaming and running - 3 weeks and counting.  And the truth shall set you free!

[captainp]

I was blamed for literally everything that went wrong with her life.  Even things that could be in no way misconstrued as "my fault."  For example, she was late picking her boss up from work one day, but it was my fault because I had slept over the night before, and therefore she "didn't hurry as much" when her alarm went off.

My presence was to blame.  I had become the problem. 

This girl literally went from "you're my favourite" to "you're annoying all the time" in the span of 4 months, so I imagine that she goes through her idealization/devaluation phase pretty quickly. 

Now she is reframing the entire history of our relationship, and turning every nice thing I ever did for her into something shady or ill-intentioned.  I imagine that she is doing this to assuage her own guilt.  Whatever.  I'm going to let her say whatever she wants about me and just disappear.

I hope this means there's no chance of her attempting a recycle.  Can you even predict this sort of thing with BPD women?

[Deeno02]

I was blamed for literally everything that went wrong with her life.  Even things that could be in no way misconstrued as "my fault."  For example, she was late picking her boss up from work one day, but it was my fault because I had slept over the night before, and therefore she "didn't hurry as much" when her alarm went off.

My presence was to blame.  I had become the problem. 

This girl literally went from "you're my favourite" to "you're annoying all the time" in the span of 4 months, so I imagine that she goes through her idealization/devaluation phase pretty quickly. 

Now she is reframing the entire history of our relationship, and turning every nice thing I ever did for her into something shady or ill-intentioned.  I imagine that she is doing this to assuage her own guilt.  Whatever.  I'm going to let her say whatever she wants about me and just disappear.

I hope this means there's no chance of her attempting a recycle.  Can you even predict this sort of thing with BPD women?

Really hard to say. My ex is in honeymoon phase with the replacement so there has been zero contact. I was her first after her separation and divorce and together 16 months. Her son and mine are friends and she coaches their VB team. So im enjoying the no contact now until the season starts. So either shes still with him, or he got smart and bailed, in which case I may be a target again. Im prepared... .

[BrokenFamily]

Not only was I blamed for everything that went wrong in the relationship I was blamed for her cheating on me and leaving me for the loser replacement! Apparently I forced her to sleep with another guy while I was at work supporting our family.

As for the recycling... .I'm looking forward to it !

I miss the abuse, amazing sex and mood swings my life is so damn boring without her.

She either scared off and or made me get rid of and ingnore all my friends. Heck my dog don't even like me anymore, After 4 years of not allowing her in the bed because the ex wouldn't allow it she's still holding a grudge!  

[BrokenFamily]

Oh and her mother came home in a drunken rage the other night and insisted she start waking up to take care of our daughter who wakes up at 7am while my ex sleeps till 3pm. It resulted in a fist fight which yup you guess it ! Was my fault! I was home sleeping, forced to get out of bed at 3am to pickup my daughter and I'm guilty because I allowed her to always sleep late! Shame on me for waking up to take care of my daughter ! LoL

[clydegriffith]

I think they are really just mad at themselves.

Whenever the BPDx tells me that she hates me i ask her why as her actions and her actions alone are what caused a nightmare situation for the both of us. She never gives me an answer but i think subconciously any ill will she has towards me is because i remind her of all the terrible things she did that she's either blocked out or convinced herself that she never did.

Every time mine feels put in a corner with total logic that and has no choice but to realize her actions cause herself and our family such pain she either hangs up the phone or (if in person) hits me. Despite having the same problems with her family, friends, ex's and even my replacement she is in complete denial 

I used to tell that to my therapist. He used to say there's no point in trying to make logical to an illogical person.

[CareTaker]

I blamed for everything that went wrong in the relationship I was blamed for her cheating on me

This is very common with these people. I had the same. Also because I had a bad attitude she never got a visa to a fashion show. Also because I shouted at her, she thought her life was in danger and attacked me with the bread knife to defend herself.   

They think they are the perfect people, and the only way they can feel good about themselves is to make you feel bad or look like a fool. Call it a type of inferiority complex.

But because they are perfect, and use extreme seductive ways to get the things they need in life, it will give them a type of confidence over you. Therefore you always walking on eggshells. They can explode at any time and can replace you within days.

Therefore they don't need to take responsibility for anything, and belittle you in the most peculiar ways, to keep you feeling unworthy of their love.

So yes, they do believe it is your fault for everything that went wrong. When the relationship finally ends, it is common that they will email, text or tell you all the wonderful things they did and sacrifice for YOU... .!

They will tell friends and family how much THEY had to put up with to accommodate you. How they bent backwards for YOU. And how little you appreciate there efforts.

Never feel bad about it, or even let it bother you. After break up they will verbally abuse you at every opportunity they get. They will tell you how in love they are with your replacement just to make you feel extra bad.

Don't fall for it. No relationship these people ever had, was any different than this one you just experienced. And no relationship in the future, will be any better.

I have never had such a dysfunctional relationship in my life, and only got involved due to circumstances at that time. I was lonely, in a moment of weakness and needed company. I was the perfect victim.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife rubbed my nose in her new relationship. My exgf hasnt. This makes me wonder how tgey see me. Did the ex wife do it to try and get me to fight for her? Is my ex not doing it so as not to burn bridges or is it just the way they behave post break up?

This is the kind of thing with BPD that intrigues me. They all follow a pattern so it seems so does the way they treat us post break up point to the possibility of recycle attempts?

Could be a useful indicater of future behaviour if theres any pattern to it.

[FrenchConnection]

My exBPD female used to blame me for not being "involved" in our relationship.  We lived 3 hours away from each other and it was always me (95% of the time) to travel to come see her each weekend.  I paid all the costs for gas, highway tolls, and then even participated in paying for groceries when i was there with her.

We talked about her moving to live with me (because she did not have a stable job and she wanted to leave her current city).  At the breakup of our relationship she told me i never invested myself in the relationship.  That she had to do everything and that she had to make the move.  She invents a reality in her head and that is the only truth she sees.  She is oblivious to the actual reality of the situation.

[sotiredtoonice]

i truly believe my ex thinks it's my fault. he even blamed me for his cheating

When my H told me he was leaving me for someone else (he ended up staying) he informed me that is was my fault he was even seeing her in the first place. He told me that if I had treated him properly it wouldnt have "just happened". I explained to him that I do not treat him as bad as he thinks (he is and has basically always been unemployed), I work 2 jobs to support us, I cook dinner every night I am home, I take care of all our animals and 99% of the housework. He then explained that wasn't love and that I am not affectionate enough. I again tried to explain its really hard to be affectionate to someone you resent due to above mentioned stuff... .thats an "excuse" and I need to "just get over it already"... .needless to say since we didn't break up theres been at least 4 more women, but he claims there were all just friends, and again "if I were treating him right... ." you get the idea