My son's girlfriend has BPD and I feel like I'm losing him

[AlexInAtlanta]

Hello, fellow strugglers,

I'm Alex, a mom of a 20 year old college student who started a relationship with a young woman who is 21 a little over a year ago. I have spent last Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer break, as well as a visit up to DC for his birthday. The summer was our last visit which lasted for a very long two months. My son gave me no notice that she would be coming, just told me that she would be arriving from Pennsylvania in about an hour to stay for over two months. She arrived with no resources, and told us sad stories about how dysfunctional and terrible her family was, and many of the stories were discovered to be less than true.

Before her summer visit, I had already developed a negative impression of her based on her constant and extreme negativity, criticisms of my son, entitlement, disruptive nature, need for attentions, and finally two suicide threats while she was here, (I literally had to gather all sharp objects in the house and keep them under my bed.) while she was here, I covered all of her costs, bought her some back-to-school stuff, shoes, clothes, a trip to the dentist, and even found her a counselor who she had two visits with. Basically I took her on as my own and did my best to be kind and compassionate, given her difficult family situation and my desire to show my son that I was supportive of him and his choices. Despite all my efforts, the visit was far beyond turbulent and I still feel like I am recovering. I am so deeply worried about my son. It is a piercing kind of agony and I feel powerless.

I sent them back to university three days early so that my son could complete the student body officer training he needed to complete in order to be involved in the SGA. After two days of training, I got a text from my son telling me that his gf was threatening suicide again and he could not complete his training because he had to take care of her. I contacted the university counseling and psych services, made them an appointment and told my son that I was very concerned about this pattern of behavior, and very sad that he missed his shot to complete the training he wanted in order to do something that would strengthen his community at college.

Here we are at the holidays, and I was planning on going up to DC for a week, renting an airbnb space with a kitchen, and making them a nice thanksgiving dinner. A few days ago, I sent him an email letting him know that I was excited about thanksgiving, but needed him to know that I could not host her for the 5 week Christmas break, but would be willing to host for one week of their choosing. And so came the ___ storm. His gf wrote me an extremely hateful email stating why I was trying to mess up their relationship, that I am actually a terrible person underneath my "good mother act", etc. she also mentioned that she is not using birth control and if she gets pregnant, there is nothing I can do about it.

My son let me know that I should cancel my trip to DC and that he would not be coming home for Christmas. To say my son and I have always been close up until all of this is an understatement. He is a self-professed "mama's boy." I have always been extremely supportive and have rarely had to say no to him. I am completely distraught. Aside from my son, I have no family to turn to. I am at a loss. I am grieving. I feel totally powerless.

I sent my son a text telling him that I would always love him deeply, would always have his back, would send him a ticket home or crawl to him on my damn knees if need be to come get him. I told him I love him forever and unconditionally. He told me that he is angry with me and expects me to resolve things with his gf.

I asked if I could fly up after the holidays for a day to at least give him his Christmas gifts. He offered a Luke warm "sure" and reiterated that he expected me to reach some sort of resolution with his gf.

I have a wonderful counselor and a wonderful boyfriend, and it is clear to many (myself, several of my friends who are psychologists, my own counselor, etc.) that she has undiagnosed BPD. I'm terrified. I feel hallow. I feel desperate. I feel the lines of communication closing between my son and I. What can I do so I don't lose my son? I don't know how to weather this painful storm. Any help would be very appreciated.

Thank you,

Alex

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Alex,



What a sad situation! I am so sorry.

When I was your son's age, I was just beginning to realize that my uBPDmom had something desperately wrong with her. I let her get away with suicide threats and all kinds of manipulative behavior - I say "let her" because at the time I had no clue about how to healthfully deal with her abuse of me, but took all the responsibility for the fallout of her behavior. It's a rotten place to be, barely 20 and dealing with a pwBPD who means a lot to you. It must be awful to be in your position and watch your newly-adult son sinking in this relationship.

I want to encourage you about something and I hope it won't feel like a bucket of cold water. I know the pain of losing the close "mama's boy" relationship you have with your son must be immense; but I believe that one of your best ways of loving him - and giving him a reason to seek health and healthy relationships - is to let him know that he is completely free to manage his life as an adult. That yes, you will always be there for him, and yes, it breaks your heart to see him manipulated by a troubled woman, but that he also has your unconditional respect and your long-term belief in his right to make his own decisions.

When your son - I hope - comes to his senses about this girl, and begins the work of clearing the experience out of his head and heart, and in the future is more careful in finding a really awesome woman who can partner with him to have a full and healthy life, he will have a great champion in you - knowing that you love him enough to let him be a man instead of the boy he was, that you allow him to choose his path freely. You doing this for him now will be a contrast to the grasping, clinging, fear-filled love games that his uBPD girlfriend is playing with him and might help him see more clearly what it is to be truly loved.

[behindme]

I feel for you, Alex. I had seen my own son going down this path but by the time I started to recognize these traits he had married the young woman and they had a child. It all happened very insidiously but    started to appear. It sounds like your son is a bright young man himself and hopefully not only will he begin to see a pattern but his friends will begin to intervene as well. I agree this may be a time for you to back off aside from offering your love to your son - which is what we did for ours.  I also suggested a book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (subtitle along the lines of how to end the dram and get on with your life) which helped him see the patterns he was experiencing - in fact, I also encouraged him to have a phone season with the author which also put him on the right track and he's now divorced -- BUT it took some time; of course he was more invested in the r/s than your son. I don't know at this point how receptive you son would be if directed toward such resources.

I would give this some time - he's young and hopefully he'll grow tired of the manipulation and drain on his emotional resources and being withheld from achieving his goals. The fact that she told you she's not using birth control is indeed troubling - is he aware of this? This is certainly something he can take control of if he has no interest in becoming a father at this age.  I can understand completely how this is upsetting to you. Believe me, as parents of those affected by u or known BPDs this is not an easy situation by any means, especially come holidays. 

Thinking of you and sending 

[Nope]

I agree with others. He is making a huge mistake continuing this relationship. But as an adult it's his right to make his mistakes. Being a third party to this mistake doesn't do anyone any good. It just keeps you powerless and stuck in a drama not of your own making. Any attempts you make to help or make nice with this person are only going to prolong the drama.

My DH and his mother have always had a very close relationship. She made the mistake of bending over backwards to appease his BPD girlfriend who then became his BPD wife in very short order. She kept trying and trying though nothing she ever did for her daughter in law was ever enough. She literally wasted thousands of dollars trying to appease this woman so as to be at least allowed to continue to have a close relationship with her son and to get to at least see occasional pictures of her grand children.

For my DH's part, he admits that he let it all happen. He let his wife treat his mom very poorly and then would tell him mom she needed to apologize to the BPD. He did this to keep peace in his marriage. But I completely agree with others who have said that he also needed his mother to completely respect his decision to be with the BPD and although his mom stuck around to put up with a lot of abuse, it would have sent a much more effective message had she stepped back, told him he was a man making a man's decision and that she wouldn't try to step in and rescue him like he was a little boy.

Then just sit back and wait. Without an enabling third party it sounds to me like this situation will crash and burn. When it does he's going to need a loving support structure that isn't already burnt out.

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear this.  I have teens and I can't imagine facing this.  This can happen.   

I don't want to say you are in a "no win".  However,   what I can say is "hugs and I love you's" and you can never go wrong.  "don't take the bait"!   No response is often the best you can do.    What is that old saying "anything you say can and will be used against you". 

One thing I would remind him of is that "honey,  you are a sweet person and I know you care about this girl.   I want you to be happy.   But honey,  your job isn't to "fix" other people.    People that are suicidal need professional help & I didn't want to see anything happen to her.   It is my responsibility to report someone that is suicidal cause my conscience couldn't forgive myself if she did do somethign to herself". 

Another strategy that is subtle is that if you know she is feeding him negative informaton about himself... .critisizing him... .then you say a lot of positive things to him.   She tells him he is lazy.  At another time you say to him.  "Honey... .you have always been such a hard worker".    Present the positive alternates to what she says at a completely different time or random time.   

Your son has really hooked up with a troubled young woman.    I hope he sees the light soon and he realized she is NOT his child and not for him to care for.   

((HUGS)) and good luck!   

[Trixie15601]

@AlexInAtlanta, I see that this post is several years ago, but I am living a nearly identical experience right now.  Are you willing to post an update on your son? 

I hope things got better for you and him, and your relationship recovered. That is the conclusion that I also hope for myself.