A new chapter begins and I'm missing ex

[lovethebeach]

Today I got a brand new 2015 Chevrolet Malibu and I'll be starting my new job in a few days... .

Today should be so exciting. It's really feels a like chapter and a new beginning! After all, I just graduated college and the world awaits!

Yet, I'm still sad. I guess today is difficult because all of these new things in my life and he's the one I'd normally want to share them with.

I haven't reached out to him since his accident, but I heard he finally got back into the university that we met at and I'm truly happy for him. When we first met, he was being expelled for poor academic performance.  I put so much time and effort into making his life "better" and helping him get back onto the right road. I could fill pages of the things I've done for him... .more than most 22 year olds. More than anyone I know.

I definitely don't miss the mico-mananging of his life. He needed my help with EVERYTHING!

I hope without me it works out for him, but I know it won't. He doesnt have family support either as his mother is NPD and his father too weak to do anything about it. Besides, he rejected my help (in the end, I suppose) and thus accountability and maturity. He'd rather lie and have his "pleasures" met than deal with reality.

Nevertheless, our roads are no longer crossed and I can't figure out why I'm still missing him after everything he put me through.

I guess it's normal to miss the good times... .but they just weren't enough any more.

[seeking balance]

I guess it's normal to miss the good times... .but they just weren't enough any more.

Yes, this is normal and it is important you let  yourself grieve the good.  It wasn't all bad or we would not have stayed so long.

I cannot stress enough the importance of allowing yourself a safe place to feel this pain & depression, it is real and it is deep - it takes some time to process because it is attached to our core stuff.

Peace,

SB

[Deeno02]

I guess it's normal to miss the good times... .but they just weren't enough any more.

Yes, this is normal and it is important you let  yourself grieve the good.  It wasn't all bad or we would not have stayed so long.

I cannot stress enough the importance of allowing yourself a safe place to feel this pain & depression, it is real and it is deep - it takes some time to process because it is attached to our core stuff.

Peace,

SB

LTB, remember, not your circus, not your monkeys. Be excited for your new life and the new man who will be normal and will be there for you

[neverloveagain]

Its when i miss my ex the most when i have something to share, thats when i feel the most alone. But also when i did share she always seemed indifferent. Good luck with your new start  

[lovethebeach]

Thank you all for your all of your support!

I dont know where I'd be without this community!

Is there anything that helps you through when you miss you exBPD the most?

[Deeno02]

Thank you all for your all of your support!

I dont know where I'd be without this community!

Is there anything that helps you through when you miss you exBPD the most?

Stay as busy as you can.

[seeking balance]

Is there anything that helps you through when you miss you exBPD the most?

Back when I was in your shoes, I exercised a lot; went to a movie - distracted my mind if it was to the point of obsessing.

Eventually, I realized the best thing you can do?  Cry it out; lean into the pain - sob.  Then, pamper yourself - hot bath, massage, comforting things to you.

[Caredverymuch]

Its when i miss my ex the most when i have something to share, thats when i feel the most alone.

I agree with this. I missed him the most at that time. The radio silence was deafening and so difficult to not be able to simply share a conversation with him.

Seeking Balance offers you good advise LTB. It's nothing that happens overnight.

Enjoy your new car and your new job! The world is your oyster!

[lovethebeach]

These are lyrics to the new Taylor Swift song... .I must admit, she knows break-ups. This is exactly how I feel... .Clean is a good way to describe it. Free:


The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

It was months, and months of back and forth

You're still all over me like I wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore

Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turn black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do

And the butterflies turned to dust they covered my whole room

So I punched a hole in the roof

Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you

The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

I think I am finally clean

Said, I think I am finally clean

10 months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean don't mean you miss it

10 months older I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

[lovethebeach]

Do you think it's best to block him on FB as well as other accounts e-mail and such?

He hasn't tried to get in touch with me ... .just wanted a second opinion now that I've mailed all of his items back?

[Deeno02]

Do you think it's best to block him on FB as well as other accounts e-mail and such?

He hasn't tried to get in touch with me ... .just wanted a second opinion now that I've mailed all of his items back?

YES! Unless you have a reason for limited contact. Block him... .

[Caredverymuch]

Do you think it's best to block him on FB as well as other accounts e-mail and such?

He hasn't tried to get in touch with me ... .just wanted a second opinion now that I've mailed all of his items back?

LTB if you are wanting to fully detach so you can get to your better place, blocking all forms you mentioned is a good suggestion and will help.

You. 

I would caution you to pre-think and be sure this is your intention. 

Detachment is about US.  It begins the journey we must take to heal. Then, the second journey is to learn. Thats the most important journey.  By far.

It is not a statement we make looking for a reaction.  And in that, going full NC and blocking all means of communication could potentially evoke a reaction from your ex in a month or so.

Think how you may reaction or not react in the future,  of this occurs.

This board amazes me in many ways one of which is how different the journey can be time wise. Some members " get there" sooner than others.

Getting there is the goal. 

But we cant dismiss the needed steps.

[lovethebeach]

You think blocking him may trigger his abandonment fears and make him reach out for contact?

I think at that point, it'd be best to ignore him completely?

One day at a time!

[Deeno02]

You think blocking him may trigger his abandonment fears and make him reach out for contact?

I think at that point, it'd be best to ignore him completely?

One day at a time!

CVM is right. Like CVM said, we all get there, some quicker than others, but theres no timeline. This is about you now. What you, we went through is abuse. Some worse than others, but its abuse none the less. Do what you need to do for you.

[Craydar]

Its when i miss my ex the most when i have something to share, thats when i feel the most alone.

I agree with this. I missed him the most at that time. The radio silence was deafening and so difficult to not be able to simply share a conversation with him.

I feel the same. It feels like we lost soul mates. As discussed on another recent post, we texted constantly, probably more than 200 times a day. We were inseparable. Now when I have some big news, I think of her first and get depressed that I can't tell her (she's love bombing another guy now) I finalized my divorce, I had a promotion, had surgery all in the past 2 months. She knows nothing. It's like I never existed.

[Deeno02]

Its when i miss my ex the most when i have something to share, thats when i feel the most alone.

I agree with this. I missed him the most at that time. The radio silence was deafening and so difficult to not be able to simply share a conversation with him.

we existed, but just a passing thought to them now. They only will remember when something goes to ___ and we are triangulated or painted white again. Its my biggest fear...

I feel the same. It feels like we lost soul mates. As discussed on another recent post, we texted constantly, probably more than 200 times a day. We were inseparable. Now when I have some big news, I think of her first and get depressed that I can't tell her (she's love bombing another guy now) I finalized my divorce, I had a promotion, had surgery all in the past 2 months. She knows nothing. It's like I never existed.

[lovethebeach]

In the end, I think the end is just a new beginning and I'm trying to stay positive as hard as it can be some days!

My ex and I were the same way. Constantly in contact! He was always up my $$ ... .multiple texts and phone calls if I didn't answer and now... .nothing. Too much damage and shame on his part.

But it doesn't matter because as much as I miss him, he's distorted. That won't change overnight, in a month, and maybe not in a lifetime. I could not have dealt with that cycle for a lifetime and if I did ... .I would be a shell of who I am now.

All I can hope that he gets the help he needs. For now, he's out trying to prove to himself that he can make it on his own and he'll find new supply. I loved him and so I'll wish him luck but I won't forget. For now, I need to take care of myself first. I was always putting his needs first and saving him from himself and the world. He needs to learn to "parent" himself in the long run.

Underneath he's terrified, it's sad really... .he's emotionally stunted and has ADHD plus is young LOL... .The impulse control problems would have been a life long issue. This is his battle and his journey and I gave it my best shot but now I am my only responsibility.

I'm sad and it's extremely difficult but I have a life to live... .one day at a time. Looking forward to him being a fleeting thought as opposed to always in the back of my head

In the end, it's a personal decision and a personal journey but we're all here for one another and the support here is invaluable! Thank you

[Caredverymuch]

Its when i miss my ex the most when i have something to share, thats when i feel the most alone.

I feel the same. It feels like we lost soul mates. As discussed on another recent post, we texted constantly, probably more than 200 times a day. We were inseparable. Now when I have some big news, I think of her first and get depressed that I can't tell her (she's love bombing another guy now) I finalized my divorce, I had a promotion, had surgery all in the past 2 months. She knows nothing. It's like I never existed.

So very hard and hurtful. Well understood by members here. 

Those constant open means of communication about just about everything, day and night. Inseparable and so very bonded in sharing, openness, sharing the good, the bad, and everything in between.

Seemingly gone overnight, like a rug pulled out from us for no reason we can understand.

For me, I can say it was like having someone you love being abducted during the night. Just gone.  What I knew and grew to with him, just disappeared. As he did.

For so very long I just wept missing the sharing with him. Its that simple.

Having gone from fully being in that place with him to being abandoned and fully erased.  As if I truly never existed.

There's a great deal that's very hard to wrap the heart around with regard to the disorder.

This was a full metal blow to me.

We talk about trauma a great deal here. I can't think of a greater trauma.

Sending you immense support and understanding in how you feel.

[lovethebeach]

CVM, your advice is always so helpful! Thank you so much!

You're right. We all do understand... .our stories are all so similar.

How long did it take you, post b/u in order for your de-personalize and to begin to fully process what happened?

[CareTaker]

7:45 on a Saturday morning and a lovely summer day outside. Although I decided not to spend much time here, and rather focus my energy on a new friend I have, I was curious this morning and decided to come say HI to everyone.

lovethebeach I bought a BMW Z4 in February. It is quite an exotic car in my country, and very expensive. The day I got it, I went to the ex to show her the car. Like this should be the happiest moment     

When I arrived at her flat, she was supposedly ill. I suggested we go for supper. Because of her illness, she never did any effort in dressing up, and no make up either. But I didn't mind, I just wanted to drive my new toy. She never even took notice. At the restaurant she started an argument. Her favourite place for fighting. After supper I dumped her at her place and went home. So very disappointed.

The problem here is that the focus wasn't on HER. I got the car. So she wasn't interested in the least. She will actually run you down for it.

REMEMBER: For every good deed, there is a punishment.

Now I promised her a car, but she had to get a licence first. I thought that would have been motivation to get a drivers licence. She is 34 already. But she never got further than making and cancelling appointments. To tell the truth, she couldn't even study for her learners licence. All the info is in a book that you can buy from your local news agency. No, I had to pay for her to go for lessons. Yet, she never got the learners licence. Always just an excuse.

Looking back now, I just cannot believe I put up with this for 3 years.   

What was I thinking?

Get this book from Amazon. I got the audio version. : 

The Power of Now - Eckhard Tolle

It will give you a whole new outlook on life.

[CareTaker]

Today I got a brand new 2015 Chevrolet Malibu and I'll be starting my new job in a few days... .grin

Today should be so exciting. It's really feels a like chapter and a new beginning! After all, I just graduated college and the world awaits!

Yet, I'm still sad. I guess today is difficult because all of these new things in my life and he's the one I'd normally want to share them with.

7:45 on a Saturday morning and a lovely summer day outside. Although I decided not to spend much time here, and rather focus my energy on a new friend I have, I was curious this morning and decided to come say HI to everyone.

lovethebeach I bought a BMW Z4 in February. It is quite an exotic car in my country, and very expensive. The day I got it, I went to the ex to show her the car. Like this should be the happiest moment     

When I arrived at her flat, she was supposedly ill. I suggested we go for supper. Because of her illness, she never did any effort in dressing up, and no make up either. But I didn't mind, I just wanted to drive my new toy. She never even took notice. At the restaurant she started an argument. Her favourite place for fighting. After supper I dumped her at her place and went home. So very disappointed.

The problem here is that the focus wasn't on HER. I got the car. So she wasn't interested in the least. She will actually run you down for it.

REMEMBER: For every good deed, there is a punishment.

Now I promised her a car, but she had to get a licence first. I thought that would have been motivation to get a drivers licence. She is 34 already. But she never got further than making and cancelling appointments. To tell the truth, she couldn't even study for her learners licence. All the info is in a book that you can buy from your local news agency. No, I had to pay for her to go for lessons. Yet, she never got the learners licence. Always just an excuse.

Looking back now, I just cannot believe I put up with this for 3 years.   

What was I thinking?

Get this book from Amazon. I got the audio version. : 

The Power of Now - Eckhard Tolle

It will give you a whole new outlook on life.[/quote]