He's still in my head Any suggestions how to get "rid" of him?

[Recooperating]

I am trying hard to focus on me and rebuilding my life. Somehow a lot of things in my life are simultaneously coming to an end.

My rs ended nearly 3 months ago, 2 months NC. I got completely burned out and was unable to function at my job so I went on sick leave. Although I have a contract, my bosses now want to buy me out and let me go.

In many ways this gives me the opportunity to self reflect and figure out what I really want to do with my live. Im sick of my sales job and want to pursue another carreer. It scares the hell out of me to be unemployed (lack of control) but I will be fine financially for the first year so I am focussing in the opportunity instead of the discard my bosses are giving me after being a good sales rep for them.

Privatly I am doing things I like to do. I planned some nice trips (Vegas and South Africa), I am hanging out with my family and friends but I noticing something "unhealthy".

Every time Im having fun and doing something nice I have "revenge thoughts". "Look at me now having fun and enjoying myself... .Im going to Vegas and you are stuck in your miserable life... ."

I catch myself talking (tbh mostly swearing) to him in my mind... .What I would say to him if he would reach out... .So as hard as I am trying to focus on me and do things I like and starting new hobbies, he's almost always there in my thoughts and it drives me nuts! Im trying to stop my thoughts every time I get like that, but its not really working.

My T says Im being to hard on myself and that it will just take time. She sais the more I try to resist those thoughts, the more they will be there... .She suggested to just ride the wave and try to figur out what keeps me attched like this. But mainly she tells me 3 months after b/u in this abusive situation its perfectly normal to still ruminate. She suggested to try and sit with the feeling and replace the negative with possitive thoughts... .

Is it normal? Do any of you guys have the "look at me now mother ___er" thoughts? How do you deal with them? Any suggestions or excersizes will be very welcome! I want him out of my head, system, mind and life!

Many, many thanks!

[Deeno02]

I am trying hard to focus on me and rebuilding my life. Somehow a lot of things in my life are simultaneously coming to an end.

My rs ended nearly 3 months ago, 2 months NC. I got completely burned out and was unable to function at my job so I went on sick leave. Although I have a contract, my bosses now want to buy me out and let me go.

In many ways this gives me the opportunity to self reflect and figure out what I really want to do with my live. Im sick of my sales job and want to pursue another carreer. It scares the hell out of me to be unemployed (lack of control) but I will be fine financially for the first year so I am focussing in the opportunity instead of the discard my bosses are giving me after being a good sales rep for them.

Privatly I am doing things I like to do. I planned some nice trips (Vegas and South Africa), I am hanging out with my family and friends but I noticing something "unhealthy".

Every time Im having fun and doing something nice I have "revenge thoughts". "Look at me now having fun and enjoying myself... .Im going to Vegas and you are stuck in your miserable life... ."

I catch myself talking (tbh mostly swearing) to him in my mind... .What I would say to him if he would reach out... .So as hard as I am trying to focus on me and do things I like and starting new hobbies, he's almost always there in my thoughts and it drives me nuts! Im trying to stop my thoughts every time I get like that, but its not really working.

My T says Im being to hard on myself and that it will just take time. She sais the more I try to resist those thoughts, the more they will be there... .She suggested to just ride the wave and try to figur out what keeps me attched like this. But mainly she tells me 3 months after b/u in this abusive situation its perfectly normal to still ruminate. She suggested to try and sit with the feeling and replace the negative with possitive thoughts... .

Is it normal? Do any of you guys have the "look at me now mother ___er" thoughts? How do you deal with them? Any suggestions or excersizes will be very welcome! I want him out of my head, system, mind and life!

Many, many thanks!

We were/are all there. My revenge thought was walking into my sons VB game (shes ghe coach) with another woman. Im almost 3 months b/u but Ive learned through my T and my friends that she isnt worth it... .at all. The best revenge is to live your life as best you can, without compromise, and without stooping to their level. Im still a bit sad, im still a bit angry and i still second guess myself, but im getting better. And she wont. Believe that. Whomever they are with will either get beat down and become like we did, or will be smarter than us and realize what the hell is this ___ and run. But we will get better.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thoughts of revenge are a normal response to abuse; first, don't make yourself wrong for thinking them, and yes, they can be a nuisance after a while.

The best revenge is success, and success is a life well lived.  You can start by visualizing the life of your dreams, what you want your future to look like, and then make the vision so bright and compelling that it pulls you towards it.  And then take steps in that direction, first as a distraction yes, which is where 'look at me fcker' comes from, but if you keep doing it, it will stop being a distraction and just be your life, and the pesky borderline will just fade into the past, you won't forget, but the emotional energy will be totally gone and you'll spend virtually no time on him and his sht.

Your T is right, it just takes time, so you might as well use the lingering emotion around him as fuel to build that life of your dreams; for me I hit the ground running because I wanted the btch out of my head right now.  And if you do that you may look back in a year and amaze yourself with how far you've gone and how much you've grown.  Everything happens for a reason, and it serves us.

So what step can you take right now in that direction?

[myself]

What you're doing is actually a good way to process this. Feeling your feelings and facing/accepting the truth. It's going to help you get through the pain, in time, where you'll be free of this. You're changing your own patterns now. You're standing up for yourself and detaching. Keep doing that!

[anxiety5]

void

[BuildingFromScratch]

I actually think it's really healthy that you're feeling like this and like your therapist said, it's best to replace a thought with a new thought, instead of trying to stop a thought. Stopping thoughts creates little prisons of inner conflict that will hurt you. Glad you're making progress, keep at it. You sound like you're doing really well, considering the circumstances.

[enlighten me]

As has been said its part of the healing. I think revenge thoughts can be one of the best tools for healing we have as long as done in a construtive way. If revenge thouhts get you to travel then enjoy yhe trip. If it motivates you to get a better job then do it. If you decide to hit the gym to show them what theyre missing do it. Eventually you will stop doing it for them and do it for you. I have a revenge dream that would really p my ex off. It just happens to also be a very good business idea that could make a lot of money. The problem being getting it going. I know that if I manage to do it I could have a fantastic dream job with the added bonus of putting my exs nose out. If I ever manage to get it going I realise that I will eventually forget about the revenge side but at the moment its a nice thought.

[CareTaker]

After realizing that something was weird about our relationship, I went looking for answers. I did quite an extensive study on this disorder, thinking it will help me in the relationship.

But I was wrong, as the disorder is bigger than me, and not worth the effort to try and save this   relationship.

After I left I found myself missing her. But like any other addiction I had to let it work itself out. I wasn't going to let this addiction crash my life. I was going to be bigger than the addiction and look the fear in the face.

Keeping yourself busy with all sorts of things help, but it doesn't necessarily clear the mind. Dating other woman was difficult, because I felt like I am cheating. It was uncomfortable spending time with others, while I still had her in my mind.

So I started studying the mind and how it works. It is a great subject and got me very interested. A great step forward was a book I read:

The Power of Now  -  Eckhart Tolle. I downloaded the audible version from Amazon.

Also try : Feel the Fear... .And do it Anyway. Susan Jeffers.

I found much of how I walked out of my relationship in the last one. I was actually quite proud of myself for seeing all the negativity, realizing the problem, and leaving it for something better.

Friends, dates, hobbies and movies don't always clear the mind. You still have your ex looming in the background somewhere. Understanding the mind, and why we miss such a dysfunctional relationship will set you free. Once you get to the point when you realize that nothing from your past matters, and there is nothing from the past that you need in this moment that you are living in now, you will be free.

See your relationship from this point of view, or try and understand this:

You lived through a very bad relationship. Today you are a different person. A stronger person because you have learned a lot about yourself. So what happened to you was actually a blessing in disguise. You discovered how much you actually are prepared to give. You gave so much of yourself to this relationship. So you learned to get to know yourself even better. That means if loads of good came out the relationship for you, then the relationship wasn't bad. 

[aeoma]

I still have revenge thoughts in a way of showing her that I do cool stuff in my life. For many activities I have, I think about how she would react if she heard it. I don't like this way of thinking. I try to reason myself but it's difficult... .I ask God to forgive me for such thoughts.

I still have to see her at work and her being so loud about her life all day long, laughing out loud making the office look like a kindergarten, make me think she tries to express the same to me, even though she might doing it genuinely and doesn't care at all about me anymore, who knows. As I was the one who broke up and ignoring her since, some friends told me she speaks loud just to express to me "hey, I'm here", that's the only way for her to have an effect on me, now.

That's the hardest for me, trying to stop my mind interpreting if how she behaves at the office is in relation to me, or not. I wish so much I could do real No Contact with her... .

[Blimblam]

I can relate to being haunted by my exs image.  Her image and then terrible painful thoughts.  This process is illuminated in Carl jungs model of the psyche. The terrible thoughts being my shadow and the image of my ex being associated with my anima.  For a man the anima is the dream guide that leads him to a confrontation with his shadow. The shadow contains all the repressed memories and under the surface of concious awareness such as past truamas.

When studying truama bonds they have found strong evidence of addiction being linked to past truamas. 

So I have found whenever I experience a nervous tick or compulsive addictive urge they are linked to traumatic memories in my shadow.  I find leaning into the pain in this moment and closing my eyes reveals images associated with my emotions. I find getting familiar with these emotions and drawing to be therapeutic. Also researching the images and symbols revealed that are associated with these emotions.

[enlighten me]

I was reading years ago about defence mechanisms that date back to caveman times. This came about as I cant eat vegetables due to being force fed them at school. I have a number of friends who cant drink milk as they were also forced yo drink it in primary school. This behaviour I discovered is due to a defence mechanism tgat dates back to hunter gatherer times where if you ate something that made you ill you wouldnt be able to eat it again. I believe this same mechanism is why we get triggered. We are avoiding danger at a lrimitave level.

[Sandman1881]

I apologize in advance for the scrambled thought pattern. I go up, down, and sideways.

Just don't think... .. Try humming. Or listen to elevator music, jazz, or classical. Try any music without lyrics, or in a language you do not know. No love songs, or pop music. That's the best I've got.

I know it's generally normal to spend time thinking about an ex after relationship failure, but in this case something is quite different. I'm not crazy, I've been checked. Yes I'm heartbroken, bitter, angry (ouff do I get angry and think some really nasty things - not like any other), but her voice in my head continues to control my actions. It's almost like (I realize how this is going to sound) I have this mental bond as opposed to a loving heart-felt bond. It's like our thoughts are somehow connected and there is a kind of ESP happening here. When I say I know what she's thinking, I honestly feel like I can hear her and what she is actually thinking, or has thought, or will be thinking. I accept that it's just my imagination.

Knowing what I know now, and realizing that I knew the truth at the time and couldn't accept it and "JUST LEAVE!" kind of sucks. Imagine hearing this, "Take your good looks and leave." How sad is that? And when she told me several times that she was not good for me, or I need a better woman, I now accept what she was really doing and that was her way of actually warning me and a twisted way for her to be honest - brutally honest. And breathe... .

She had me (or maybe it was that I had me) totally and completely dedicated to our love and relationship. She tricked me into believing that was what she wanted. I ask myself now if she was what I wanted. My subconscious mind knew better and my gut knew the truth. I know she is sick, but Jesus H., I thought people like this only existed in movies and books and such. I know better now.

There are just so many triggers, and then the shakes, and then the anxiety, and then the anger, and then fighting off the shadow of depression, and all these low levels of sunlight, and long, cold and dark nights alone. Can you hear the gratitude pouring out? And I'm having trouble getting things done... .2nd month out and therapy is scheduled for the 10th. I know I'm going to be fine. For today writing this out helps probably more than I can appreciate. See right there, another trigger. She ruined the word appreciate for me. I've always used appreciate in a positive way. But since this the word has been spun and now I see it as something she repeatedly said I didn't do. "You don't appreciate anything. That's your problem." GRRRRRRRrrr. What about you L*R? WHAT ABOUT YOU? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I started shouting out loud in my car last night. It feels good. And primal. Maybe we need to get primal and see if that helps. I know lifting heavy weights does the trick. Plus it make you look and feel so much better than being overweight. But I want everything now. Even though my plate is already full.

Oh the Holidays. The Holidays without my fix. I'm not sitting in this sh^t too much longer. It's starting to get old.

Thanks for your post.

I know I've been fried and toasted from this fiasco, and the knot is there. But getting this one out of my head could require an exorcism.



 

fiasco



[ fēˈaskō ]


noun

noun: fiasco · plural noun: fiascos


a thing that is a complete failure, especially in a ludicrous or humiliating way: