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whythisgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 117


« on: November 21, 2014, 06:17:36 PM »

Hello,

I really need some advice here. I have been dating a guy 6 month now and the relationship got serious really quick. When we first met I was fresh out of a long-term relationship and to make matters worse  me and my ex are living as roommates until our lease ends. Long story short, I have been very open and honest with my "new boyfriend" about my situation since the beginning. He was okay with that and would try to give me advice on the matter. I didn't catch on at that time why he was so interested in my home situation so I would share with him the reason why me and my ex were no longer a couple. He hadn't been in a relationship for 8 years but had a lot of sexual encounters with women... .In the beginning I loved being around him because he was fun, charming, funny, adventurous, ambitious, and very interested in getting to know me. I respected his passion about his culture,  his moral values, and the love he had for his mother. Some of the first signs that came early on was that he always wanted to know what I was thinking all the time. If I were silent he was almost certain that I was thinking about something/my home. If I told him nothing was on my mind he would get angry... .He would say little things like people don't think how he thinks and he is a logical thinker... the people in this world is evil... He would tell me how his thoughts would take over at time and he always has to plan for his next move... also that he is a loner and has been taking care of himself since he was 6 years old (just some signs I should have picked up from the beginning)... The beginning stages of his accusations began 6 weeks into the relationship...   He began making it seem as if I didn't tell him the truth about my home situation and say I was leaving out details. It happened so often that I almost started to question myself.

I forgot to mention when we first met he was staying with his estranged father and somehow they got into a huge argument and was kicked out of the house. I felt sorry for him because he was a college student(27 years old) and wasn't working. So I paid for him a hotel for a few weeks until he was able to find a job and a permanent place to stay. This cost me a lot of money as you could image. Anyhow, he expected me to spend all my time at the hotel with him. It became very stressful for me going back to my home, work, and the hotel. He would get upset if I left, he would get upset if I didn't sleep thinking it had to do with me thinking about my ex... He would get upset if I didn't share the most intimate details about myself with him and say I am too secretive. He would get upset over the small things. Since I have known him, he has fallen out with 3 close family members, an old boss, and a friend.

Over time, anytime I would leave to go to my house (although I was with him all night and day), he would accuse me of sleeping with my ex. He would say my communication skills were not good and that I was a liar and not being truthful... .and stress how much he hated liars... I felt anything I would say/do wasn't good enough.His emotions would go from 1 to 100 really quick. 1 as being in a nice mood to being very upset... He would say thinks like you are going to leave me like everyone does, and how he is broken, and really sad when I leave him. Once I would leave to go home, he text me and curse at me, calls me weak, uses info I shared with him in confidence against me, overall he's very hurtful that he seems like a monster to me... then the next minute he tells me how he wants to marry me, he sees me as being his wife and having his kids, and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me...

Recently we had unprotected sex and he ejaculated in me. The very next day I told him I made plans with my friends to go see a movie and invited him to church that morning. He was upset that I wanted to go to the early morning church service (which is the one we always go to) and stated that I failed to include him in my plans and I am selfish because he wants to go to the later service. I didn't accommodate him because my movie started at 1pm. So once the movie was over I called him and all hell broke loose. He called me all types of liars, said he can't have a baby with a lying weak woman who can't tell her man where she is going... .blah blah blah... and that I need to meet him right away so we can get the morning after pill... .I was so hurt! I decided I was not going to meet him and picked it myself and took the pill. He asked me to text him proof that it was done... The next day he called and apologized profusely telling me I was a great woman and he was a jerk for putting me through that... .Because I am a Christian (contrary to me actions above) I forgave him... .two days he got upset with me for now answering the phone accusing me of cheating within the 1 minute I called him back... 2 days later we are arguing again but this time he said some really hurtful things and we haven't spoken now in 3 days... .He admits he has anger and trust issues because he has been living on his own since a child... He admitted that maybe he needs help but this last time around he flipped it on me and said I need to seek help because I'm a weak insecure woman... I'm soo mentally drained... I recently came across reading about BPD and he sure has most of the characteristics...

Sorry for writing this book... .I love him and I just don't know what to do. Deep down I want to see if it gets better but I scared that the verbal abuse may turn to physical abuse... .I have never been disrespected like this and I refuse to allow him to continuously try to demoralize me and negate my feelings... Any advice?

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Rockylove
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 827



« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2014, 09:08:58 AM »

 Welcome  My best advise is to read anything and everything in the lessons here.  You've come to the right place, but you have to understand that you are only responsible for you.  I hope you find solace in posting your story.  We are all here to help each other find inner peace in the midst of great turmoil.
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ColdEthyl
********
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 2 years
Posts: 1277


« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2014, 12:08:25 PM »

Hello,

I really need some advice here. I have been dating a guy 6 month now and the relationship got serious really quick. When we first met I was fresh out of a long-term relationship and to make matters worse  me and my ex are living as roommates until our lease ends. Long story short, I have been very open and honest with my "new boyfriend" about my situation since the beginning. He was okay with that and would try to give me advice on the matter. I didn't catch on at that time why he was so interested in my home situation so I would share with him the reason why me and my ex were no longer a couple. He hadn't been in a relationship for 8 years but had a lot of sexual encounters with women... .In the beginning I loved being around him because he was fun, charming, funny, adventurous, ambitious, and very interested in getting to know me. I respected his passion about his culture,  his moral values, and the love he had for his mother. Some of the first signs that came early on was that he always wanted to know what I was thinking all the time. If I were silent he was almost certain that I was thinking about something/my home. If I told him nothing was on my mind he would get angry... .He would say little things like people don't think how he thinks and he is a logical thinker... the people in this world is evil... He would tell me how his thoughts would take over at time and he always has to plan for his next move... also that he is a loner and has been taking care of himself since he was 6 years old (just some signs I should have picked up from the beginning)... The beginning stages of his accusations began 6 weeks into the relationship...   He began making it seem as if I didn't tell him the truth about my home situation and say I was leaving out details. It happened so often that I almost started to question myself.

I forgot to mention when we first met he was staying with his estranged father and somehow they got into a huge argument and was kicked out of the house. I felt sorry for him because he was a college student(27 years old) and wasn't working. So I paid for him a hotel for a few weeks until he was able to find a job and a permanent place to stay. This cost me a lot of money as you could image. Anyhow, he expected me to spend all my time at the hotel with him. It became very stressful for me going back to my home, work, and the hotel. He would get upset if I left, he would get upset if I didn't sleep thinking it had to do with me thinking about my ex... He would get upset if I didn't share the most intimate details about myself with him and say I am too secretive. He would get upset over the small things. Since I have known him, he has fallen out with 3 close family members, an old boss, and a friend.

Over time, anytime I would leave to go to my house (although I was with him all night and day), he would accuse me of sleeping with my ex. He would say my communication skills were not good and that I was a liar and not being truthful... .and stress how much he hated liars... I felt anything I would say/do wasn't good enough.His emotions would go from 1 to 100 really quick. 1 as being in a nice mood to being very upset... He would say thinks like you are going to leave me like everyone does, and how he is broken, and really sad when I leave him. Once I would leave to go home, he text me and curse at me, calls me weak, uses info I shared with him in confidence against me, overall he's very hurtful that he seems like a monster to me... then the next minute he tells me how he wants to marry me, he sees me as being his wife and having his kids, and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me...

Recently we had unprotected sex and he ejaculated in me. The very next day I told him I made plans with my friends to go see a movie and invited him to church that morning. He was upset that I wanted to go to the early morning church service (which is the one we always go to) and stated that I failed to include him in my plans and I am selfish because he wants to go to the later service. I didn't accommodate him because my movie started at 1pm. So once the movie was over I called him and all hell broke loose. He called me all types of liars, said he can't have a baby with a lying weak woman who can't tell her man where she is going... .blah blah blah... and that I need to meet him right away so we can get the morning after pill... .I was so hurt! I decided I was not going to meet him and picked it myself and took the pill. He asked me to text him proof that it was done... The next day he called and apologized profusely telling me I was a great woman and he was a jerk for putting me through that... .Because I am a Christian (contrary to me actions above) I forgave him... .two days he got upset with me for now answering the phone accusing me of cheating within the 1 minute I called him back... 2 days later we are arguing again but this time he said some really hurtful things and we haven't spoken now in 3 days... .He admits he has anger and trust issues because he has been living on his own since a child... He admitted that maybe he needs help but this last time around he flipped it on me and said I need to seek help because I'm a weak insecure woman... I'm soo mentally drained... I recently came across reading about BPD and he sure has most of the characteristics...

Sorry for writing this book... .I love him and I just don't know what to do. Deep down I want to see if it gets better but I scared that the verbal abuse may turn to physical abuse... .I have never been disrespected like this and I refuse to allow him to continuously try to demoralize me and negate my feelings... Any advice?

It's a long hard, road hunny. Have you only known him for 6 months or have you known him longer?
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Grey Kitty
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2014, 06:36:26 PM »

  Wow, quite a crazy start for a relationship! And yes, it does sound a lot like BPD.

Welcome here, stick around and keep sharing your story as it develops--it really does help.

Sorry for writing this book... .I love him and I just don't know what to do. Deep down I want to see if it gets better but I scared that the verbal abuse may turn to physical abuse... .I have never been disrespected like this and I refuse to allow him to continuously try to demoralize me and negate my feelings... Any advice?

You sound like you are giving yourself some very good advice in this last paragraph, but like you aren't quite sure you believe it.

I do have one bit of advice for you.

Take this statement to heart: "I refuse to allow him to continuously try to demoralize me and negate my feelings."

Here's how not to do it. Don't tell him this. Don't tell him that he "Can't do it... ." Or even tell him that you "Won't allow him to... ." Those words will only encourage him to try, at least when he hits that sort of mood.

Here's how to do it: With your own actions. As soon as you notice him starting to pull that stuff, disengage with him immediately. It is OK to say "I'm not going to listen to that." or something similar. But immediately take action. If he's on the phone, the next thing is "Goodbye" and hanging up. If he's texting/emailing/chatting, just stop reading it, sign out, or whatever. If you and her are in the same room, and he doesn't stop immediately, leave the room.

I do recommend being away for at least 20 minutes, as it takes that long (minimum) for the adrenalin to work out of a person's system.

It is his right to be speaking that sort of crap if he wants to. It is your right not to listen to it, so it doesn't matter if he stops or not.
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whythisgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 117


« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2014, 06:03:21 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Grey Kitty, @ColdEthyl, @Rockylove

Thanks to everyone for your advice! We have been together for only 6 months and this certainly has been a rollercoaster and each week the ride has gotten more frightening. My uBPDbf is now an uBPDexbf! I can no longer take the stress of his constant mood swings. He seems to be more angry than happy. I can no longer tip toe around and think of ways to speak to him without upsetting him. Since this post, I have changed my phone number and tried to make no contact. Unfortunately I called this past Friday and he sure gave it to me, it was the most hurtful works I could ever imagine someone could say to a person. He then showed up at my church today and I left prior to it ending to avoid running into him. This lead to him sending me this weird email demanding I call him and my number not blocked and I better do it today. At the same time telling me how weak of a woman I am and how he despise my character and he will never trust me/be friends with me/or reconcile this r/s. However I need to call him and explain to him why I changed my number and why I choose not to be honest (not sure where this lying/dishonest accusation is surfacing from ). I am avoiding contact at all cost. It's really quite scary when you thing about it.
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ColdEthyl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 2 years
Posts: 1277


« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2014, 01:14:53 PM »

I think this is a good decision for you. It doesn't matter where he got the lying part from... .that's not unusual for them to lie/make things up when they are upset. If anything escalates, please do not hesitate to call the police.



Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Grey Kitty, @ColdEthyl, @Rockylove

Thanks to everyone for your advice! We have been together for only 6 months and this certainly has been a rollercoaster and each week the ride has gotten more frightening. My uBPDbf is now an uBPDexbf! I can no longer take the stress of his constant mood swings. He seems to be more angry than happy. I can no longer tip toe around and think of ways to speak to him without upsetting him. Since this post, I have changed my phone number and tried to make no contact. Unfortunately I called this past Friday and he sure gave it to me, it was the most hurtful works I could ever imagine someone could say to a person. He then showed up at my church today and I left prior to it ending to avoid running into him. This lead to him sending me this weird email demanding I call him and my number not blocked and I better do it today. At the same time telling me how weak of a woman I am and how he despise my character and he will never trust me/be friends with me/or reconcile this r/s. However I need to call him and explain to him why I changed my number and why I choose not to be honest (not sure where this lying/dishonest accusation is surfacing from ). I am avoiding contact at all cost. It's really quite scary when you thing about it.

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