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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Ended relationship -- new levels of pain  (Read 384 times)
sunshinefordays
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 1


« on: November 21, 2014, 07:06:59 PM »

Hi there,

This is probably waaaaaaaay too long for a first post. But here goes.

I've recently ended a relationship and am starting to see that it's very possible that my ex has BPD.

She was the first woman that I dated -- so for the last two years, I've been working through my process of coming out. Coming out to my family was incredibly hard and caused a number of problems with my best friend (and roommate at the time), causing me to stay in the closet for about a year. A few months into our relationship, I learned that my ex didn't identify as a woman, but hadn't figured out how to tell the world that. She didn't see herself as my girlfriend, she saw herself as my boyfriend, and that fact that I'd identified as a straight woman for most of my life was part of how she defined herself. Complicated to say the least.

Throughout our relationship, we'd get into volatile fights -- she would accuse me of not wanting to come out (which I was actively working on and in therapy working through), accuse me of never wanting to have sex with her (also not true), accuse me of flirting with men (again... .not true) -- and then she'd smother me with apologies. She'd push me away and then pull me really close.

With the help of my therapist, I began to notice this pattern and learn how to react in a way to protect myself. Rather than engage in a fight, I would stay rational or take some space and bring it up with her again when she was calm -- I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who treated me that way.

Over the last year, I've come out to more and more people and have become much more open about my relationship with my ex. It wasn't enough for her. I was really sad and hurt that she would have these extreme emotional reactions to things that were so hurtful to me. I tried to set limits, and sometimes she would respect them. Eventually this summer, I said that I couldn't help her build the emotional skills it seemed like she needed, and suggested as gently as I could that her own therapist may be really helpful. While she was receptive -- she never took any action.

My best friend and I have mended our problems, though she did move to Boston about a year ago. Things ended with my ex when my best friend came back into town this summer -- a picture of me and my ex had fallen off my fridge, and she accused me of moving it because I was ashamed of our relationship still. Since my best friend was back, my ex thought I had moved it because I didn't want my best friend to see it. I happened to be sick the night of this particular fight, so I just reiterated that I hadn't intentionally moved the picture and went to sleep.

I then didn't hear from her for a week, and I thought I knew where things were going... .and rather than fight to keep it, I knew I was done with our relationship, I couldn't keep going through the emotional back and forth, I couldn't keep feeling like I was failing at finding my queer identity and that nothing I ever did was good enough. When I finally saw her again, she told me that the picture being gone from my fridge was the last straw for her, that she couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who kept her a secret. I didn't argue with her, but rather than getting into a fight and doing our usual dance I said "I'm really sad that you feel that way, and it's not true... .but that's not why this is isn't working. You're not happy, I'm not happy, we both deserve to be happy. I think this is the right move for both of us." So then she made me break up with her and it was awful. She sobbed and held me and begged me not to go for hours until I finally said goodbye.

I asked her not to contact me, but she did. Telling me she was sorry and loved me and wanted to talk. I held my ground and said no. Eventually it stopped.

We have a bunch of mutual friends, so I wanted to try and figure out a way that we could be in the same room and things could be ok -- we ended up together at a Halloween party the weekend before Halloween. She kept cornering me and asking if things were ok between the two of us, wanted to know that there were no hard feelings. I didn't want to answer her (I think there are always some feelings when you're getting over someone and I was particularly mad about the way that she had treated me over the last two years), and I didn't really.

She texted me that Monday asking if things were ok or weird and that she really wanted to talk and make sure that there weren't any hard feelings. I held my line, and said I didn't want to talk with her and that with time everything would be ok, but she's not my person anymore so we don't get to lean on each other to work through things.

Two hours after that she texted me that her mom had a brain tumor.

And that's when I broke.

I drove her to the airport to fly to Spokane a day or so after that... .she wanted to talk about our breakup, and I didn't have the resolve not to. She asked if I was ok with it and told me she always felt like she was never good enough for me. I stayed to have a drink with her before she got on the plane. I ended up kissing her before she went into security and told her I loved her (not a great move on my part).

I talked with her throughout the rest of the week, when her family found out that it was stage 4 brain cancer. I flew from Seattle to Spokane to be there for her, along with paying for one of our mutual best friends to come along.

I had been doing great with our breakup... .proud of my actions, self-reflecting, and trying to move on. Then I immediately plunged into this state of worrying about her and her family. I called her every day, checking in. The weekend that I was in Spokane with her, we shared a bed and I held her. I put my emotional well being on hold for the last month or so now to try and provide some small amount of comfort and support to my ex. I donated money to her mom's treatment. My family donated money to her mom's treatment. I got her family free software from the company I work for to keep track of research and notes and appointments. I went from feeling like I was moving on to feeling like I was stuck again.

Earlier this week, she texted me on my way into work. She said there was something she had to tell me, something she had to get off her chest -- then told me that she was seeing one of our mutual friends. Had been seeing one of our mutual friends since she and I broke up. To add salt to this news, this particular mutual friend has been in a 9 year relationship with the man she is living with who is legally her domestic partner.

I've never felt so hurt or betrayed. I don't know why she told me about her mom's diagnosis and couldn't do me the courtesy of at the very least telling me that she was seeing someone (I see why she was afraid to tell me that she chose this particular person because of her situation with her boyfriend... .whom she has been cheating on for the last two years, but "it doesn't count because they're women". My ex asked to explain and kept saying that she never meant for it to happen and she didn't want to hurt me.

I'm very angry. I told her that I didn't want to talk with her, that I've never felt so hurt or disrespected and that I sure deserved a lot better. I told her that there was no way that she could explain anything that would make this less hurtful or disrespectful. I told her that this was me saying goodbye, to please not contact me and if she did I would not respond.

She responded back that she was sorry and didn't mean for it to happen... .blah blah blah. I blocked her from everything (a step that I was never able to take before).

I feel shell shocked. I can't believe all of this happened. I'm sad that I let someone treat me so badly for so long. I'm worried that she won't leave me alone.

My therapist has been pointing out for a while that her behavior is pretty borderline.

And suggested that I post something in a community that may understand and may have gone through something similar.

So I'm here.

I feel like she's used the best parts of me against me -- my compassion and kindness and heart.

I don't know how to make my peace with this... .I know that I want to and I know that I will.

I just don't know what is next.

Thanks for letting me tell my story.
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