Did anyone pick up traits from the Crazy-making?

[Craydar]

Did anyone pick up BPD traits from the Crazy-making? I've read a lot about non's pick up the bad habits. Examples - a new gf (non) had to correct some of my recently aquired bad habits around trust and communication

[BuildingFromScratch]

Oh definitely. I've become emotionally enslaved to others. Feel a need to find someone to rescue me and even became insanely shallow and narcissistic at the end of the relationship. I became very borderline like, although some of the traits, I probably already had. I think it's normal to have some borderline traits, it's more about intensity.

[Craydar]

Oh definitely. I've become emotionally enslaved to others. Feel a need to find someone to rescue me and even became insanely shallow and narcissistic at the end of the relationship. I became very borderline like, although some of the traits, I probably already had. I think it's normal to have some borderline traits, it's more about intensity.

This scares me. People have said that I'm not the same since this relationship. Obviously I have abandonment issues about her, but because it failed, I feel angry at myself for not being strong enough or "man" enough to handle her, which is unfounded. One relationship coach actually said I became a wuss. (After throwing a plate at him - just kidding) I quickly asked him if he had ever had a relationship with a pwBPD. He said 'no but it doesn't matter, your actions caused her to act that way'. He lost all credibility with me at that point.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Oh definitely. I've become emotionally enslaved to others. Feel a need to find someone to rescue me and even became insanely shallow and narcissistic at the end of the relationship. I became very borderline like, although some of the traits, I probably already had. I think it's normal to have some borderline traits, it's more about intensity.

This scares me. People have said that I'm not the same since this relationship. Obviously I have abandonment issues about her, but because it failed, I feel angry at myself for not being strong enough or "man" enough to handle her, which is unfounded. One relationship coach actually said I became a wuss. (After throwing a plate at him - just kidding) I quickly asked him if he had ever had a relationship with a pwBPD. He said 'no but it doesn't matter, your actions caused her to act that way'. He lost all credibility with me at that point.

Seriously, screw him. You know, I'm really tired of this crap. There is such an insane double standard that I see everywhere I go. Men aren't allowed to ever be victims or traumatized, or to not be able to suck it up, or to not be able to stand their ground. I've seen it with my therapists, I've seen it on depression and anxiety boards on reddit and even here. Why do you think all these people come back from war and can't get over it? Because they don't think they are allowed to be weak. And they are right, for the most part, they aren't. And even when people aren't insulting about it, the sound of silence speaks volumes. You know what, just because you put up with her crap, doesn't mean it wasn't a bunch of BS.

[CareTaker]

I've read a lot about non's pick up the bad habits

Borderlines can turn good men into monsters. They'll steadily erode your self-worth with subtle/snide comments and other passive maneuvers, even if their words can't be identified as wounding or cruel. Their delivery and tone will make you feel infantilised--as if she's the critical parent, and you're the little kid, who's done something terribly wrong. She's masterful at shaming you--and the saddest part is, you keep buying into it! Some men are actually moved to violence in these relationships--even if aggression is completely foreign to their natures.

About a year ago we had a huge argument and she drove me to the point where I actually threw half a glass of water at her. Not the glass, only the water.

I have never done this before.

[Blimblam]

I picked up a lot of traits my ex broke my mind open and destroyed my self confidence. Like caretaker noted they are masterful at shaming you, and it's not the kind of thing I would normally tolerate but I was so deeply attached to her when she began to pull away and resent me it happened sort of gradually and at one point it broke me. Since that breaking point I have been extremely sensitive and was unsure of myself. Like I have been second guessing myself ever since.

And like building noted this is not the kind of thing someone who hasn't attached deeply to a borderline could ever understand ever. Not even someone who got with a psychopath because if it was a psychopath they could come to terms that it was all fake and it's just stolkholm syndrome. The way a borderline attaches is unique and they work endlessly to get to your core to finally find love. The bunch of jerks who have been through the cycle and didn't attach deeply don't understand either.

[going places]

Did anyone pick up BPD traits from the Crazy-making? I've read a lot about non's pick up the bad habits. Examples - a new gf (non) had to correct some of my recently aquired bad habits around trust and communication

I have 'defense mechanism' because of the abuse, but I am not 'crazy'... .just damaged.

After years of being gaslit, and a handful of years being so intensely gaslit, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown... .

After years of being manipulated... .

After year of being looked down upon, and made to feel like I was stupid and insignifigant... .

Yeah, you could say I am 'more cautious', I do not let anyone 'close' to me, I question everyone's motive to anything, I second (sometimes third) guess myself.

I am still in the rebuilding process; rebuilding my self-esteem, self-confidence, the way I speak to myself in my thoughts, etc.

I am so thankful to God that there are books, advocates, and sites like these that have pointed me in the right direction.

I believe in love.

Real, authentic, genuine love.

I believe there is such a thing as a 'healthy, loving, relationship'.

I truly believe this exists!

And when I am ready... .it will happen!

[Mutt]

Oh definitely. I've become emotionally enslaved to others. Feel a need to find someone to rescue me and even became insanely shallow and narcissistic at the end of the relationship. I became very borderline like, although some of the traits, I probably already had. I think it's normal to have some borderline traits, it's more about intensity.

This scares me. People have said that I'm not the same since this relationship. Obviously I have abandonment issues about her, but because it failed, I feel angry at myself for not being strong enough or "man" enough to handle her, which is unfounded. One relationship coach actually said I became a wuss. (After throwing a plate at him - just kidding) I quickly asked him if he had ever had a relationship with a pwBPD. He said 'no but it doesn't matter, your actions caused her to act that way'. He lost all credibility with me at that point.

Seriously, screw him. You know, I'm really tired of this crap. There is such an insane double standard that I see everywhere I go. Men aren't allowed to ever be victims or traumatized, or to not be able to suck it up, or to not be able to stand their ground. I've seen it with my therapists, I've seen it on depression and anxiety boards on reddit and even here. Why do you think all these people come back from war and can't get over it? Because they don't think they are allowed to be weak. And they are right, for the most part, they aren't. And even when people aren't insulting about it, the sound of silence speaks volumes. You know what, just because you put up with her crap, doesn't mean it wasn't a bunch of BS.

I don't think it's a question of not being man enough. Keep in mind this is the most difficult of personality disorders. Trained therapists are challenged and some say it is very difficult to work with a person with BPD (pwBPD) In that context they may work with a pwBPD for 1-3 hours a per week (I recall a member saying on this board her T for her ex won't work with more than 2 pwBPD because it's too difficult) dependent on the frequency in sessions. They are skilled and trained professionals whereas the women and men on this board were dealing and living with a person with a serious mental illness 24/7. I think that speaks for itself.

[Recooperating]

Oh definitely. I've become emotionally enslaved to others. Feel a need to find someone to rescue me and even became insanely shallow and narcissistic at the end of the relationship. I became very borderline like, although some of the traits, I probably already had. I think it's normal to have some borderline traits, it's more about intensity.

This scares me. People have said that I'm not the same since this relationship. Obviously I have abandonment issues about her, but because it failed, I feel angry at myself for not being strong enough or "man" enough to handle her, which is unfounded. One relationship coach actually said I became a wuss. (After throwing a plate at him - just kidding) I quickly asked him if he had ever had a relationship with a pwBPD. He said 'no but it doesn't matter, your actions caused her to act that way'. He lost all credibility with me at that point.

Finding a good T is essential! Not all of them are understanding of the situation. My dBPDexbf went to T fo a short amount of time. He was at his worst at that time, it got physicall and very verbally abusive. You know what his therapist told me? "You have to understand that it is BPD, it's not his fault he's yelling and screamin at you and punching walls, throwing you around, its the illness, you should be more understanding!" Really? I asked her if she would tell me the same if I had ended up in a hospital because of his abuse. She went quiet ... .

As for the feminist bull___. Man can be abused too, what a load of crap that a man has to suck it up or stand his grounds.

Did the behaviour rub off on me? Yes, but i am glad to say the more time NC, the more I stablize. After 2 years of manipulation, abuse, torment, cheating i became emotionally unstable too. having problems staying calm and regulating my anger and sadness. I turned into a basker case. I also think I will take a next relationship very slow and will have some major trust issues and I wont give up my indepandance.

[Waifed]

Like most others I picked up many traits from my ex. I was very worried that these traits would stick because I felt them so strongly. You will slowly recover from all of this. They are not so fortunate. 14 months after my breakup I am free of those horrible traits.  It has taken lots of work on myself, but it has been a true blessing. Keep working on yourself and you will recover your "self". It will be your old self with modifications.

[myself]

Didn't pick up her traits, but was worn down by them.

[Earthbayne]

The only one I had trouble shaking was my "communication" issues, and by that, I mean I had to stop walking on eggshells for EVERYONE even though it wasn't necessary. I had no idea how much she screwed up my ability to communicate with other people. It was further magnified because she cut me off from pretty much everyone, so the essence of my own communication personality was warped.

By three weeks, I am definitely recovering from it and have improved.

My first week, I dropped the shades of negativity and paranoia she had successfully passed on to me. It's no coincidence that my work relationships, work, and friendships have improved exponentially since she no longer is in my life. My limited interaction with non's left me skewed and instead of trying to think about how to respond to them, I just can. Fear of triggers is what still holds me back even though there are none to be triggered.

[Pingo]

Like most others I picked up many traits from my ex. I was very worried that these traits would stick because I felt them so strongly. You will slowly recover from all of this. They are not so fortunate. 14 months after my breakup I am free of those horrible traits.  It has taken lots of work on myself, but it has been a true blessing. Keep working on yourself and you will recover your "self". It will be your old self with modifications.

This gives me hope

My ex was paranoid. Now I'm paranoid.  My ex was hypervigilant.  Now I am hypervigilant.  My ex could be triggered easily.  Now I am triggered easily.  I spend a lot of my time trying to avoid the possibility of being triggered, I realised this week that I am becoming my Mom , a woman who is so anxious of everything she never leaves the house now.  My daughter pointed this out to me this week and it was a wake up call. 

[Craydar]

Oh definitely. I've become emotionally enslaved to others. Feel a need to find someone to rescue me and even became insanely shallow and narcissistic at the end of the relationship. I became very borderline like, although some of the traits, I probably already had. I think it's normal to have some borderline traits, it's more about intensity.

This scares me. People have said that I'm not the same since this relationship. Obviously I have abandonment issues about her, but because it failed, I feel angry at myself for not being strong enough or "man" enough to handle her, which is unfounded. One relationship coach actually said I became a wuss. (After throwing a plate at him - just kidding) I quickly asked him if he had ever had a relationship with a pwBPD. He said 'no but it doesn't matter, your actions caused her to act that way'. He lost all credibility with me at that point.

Seriously, screw him. You know, I'm really tired of this crap. There is such an insane double standard that I see everywhere I go. Men aren't allowed to ever be victims or traumatized, or to not be able to suck it up, or to not be able to stand their ground. I've seen it with my therapists, I've seen it on depression and anxiety boards on reddit and even here. Why do you think all these people come back from war and can't get over it? Because they don't think they are allowed to be weak. And they are right, for the most part, they aren't. And even when people aren't insulting about it, the sound of silence speaks volumes. You know what, just because you put up with her crap, doesn't mean it wasn't a bunch of BS.

All very true. It was all bs i guess I was just trying to make it work and if I had not put up with her crap I would've been gone a lot sooner

[Deeno02]

No. If anything, being with her did change my caring side. Im hesitant to give myself anymore. Tired of this being always shoved back up my ass all the time.

[Bak86]

Nothing apart from the fact that i changed from someone that likes to be alone to someone who doesn't like being alone. Not sure if that's a trait and if it's good or bad.

[Panda39]

I've seen some things since being with my SO over the last 4 years.  Some he has matured out of and others he's still working on.

I have been with my SO since he was about 4 months separated from his uBPDxw and I think damaged is how I would describe him.  I sort of became the standard for what "normal" was for him.  I would get very upset about many of the things his ex was doing to her children, doing to him, the lying etc.  And frankly I'd get angry at him too. In some ways he had become so used to her behaviors or so worn down by them that I found him to be rather passive, always trying to be reasonable, or negotiating.  I always wondered why he was doing that, why couldn't he just say "NO!".  I now understand he had no boundaries when I met him.  (He now does an awesome job with boundaries with the ex and he is helping is daughters learn too)

The other thing I do still have some reservations about is financial responsibility.  When he was married my SO's uBPDxw made a lot of wild and crazy financial promises that amounted to nothing, she spent money they didn't have, she conned people (and still does), for years they didn't file taxes (he has since corrected this), "borrowed" money that was never repaid etc.  Again passive behavior on his part. He is complicit as the other half of his marriage.  He has been mostly financially responsible since the divorce (still owes lawyer fees).  He pays his current rent and bills but there is a mountain of past debt that I don't see him trying to do anything about.  I think the plan is to file bankruptcy but is he saving for an attorney?  I think he wore blinders when married that he still puts on when he is overwhelmed. 

I love   my sweet man but my own boundary (that he is aware of) is that I will not marry him until he deals with his financial mess.  He is responsible for making it and he will be responsible for cleaning it up.

One last observation is that he is very sensitive to me and what I want, he wants to please me which is nice but he is allowed to do or have what he wants too. This is a partnership. I am conscious of when he does this and I always ask him what he wants or needs.  Guess what?  It's not all about me it's about us   

[bungenstein]

I've read a lot about non's pick up the bad habits

Borderlines can turn good men into monsters. They'll steadily erode your self-worth with subtle/snide comments and other passive maneuvers, even if their words can't be identified as wounding or cruel. Their delivery and tone will make you feel infantilised--as if she's the critical parent, and you're the little kid, who's done something terribly wrong. She's masterful at shaming you--and the saddest part is, you keep buying into it! Some men are actually moved to violence in these relationships--even if aggression is completely foreign to their natures.

About a year ago we had a huge argument and she drove me to the point where I actually threw half a glass of water at her. Not the glass, only the water.

I have never done this before.

I have mostly been very happy throughout my life, and only wanted to get on with everyone I met, I have never been an angry person, after being with my ex I have witnessed behaviour from myself that I am terribly ashamed of, behaviour that was completely out of character to me, I hope she hasn't changed who I am. Towards the end I began not to care about anything in my life anymore, my work, my passions, my health, my friends, nothing. All my brain was focused on was her chaos, thats all my life was, I had so much potential, and I hope I still have it, I fee like I've been through a wormhole into a parallel universe now that I am out the other side of this relationship.

[anxiety5]

Oh definitely. I've become emotionally enslaved to others. Feel a need to find someone to rescue me and even became insanely shallow and narcissistic at the end of the relationship. I became very borderline like, although some of the traits, I probably already had. I think it's normal to have some borderline traits, it's more about intensity.

This scares me. People have said that I'm not the same since this relationship. Obviously I have abandonment issues about her, but because it failed, I feel angry at myself for not being strong enough or "man" enough to handle her, which is unfounded. One relationship coach actually said I became a wuss. (After throwing a plate at him - just kidding) I quickly asked him if he had ever had a relationship with a pwBPD. He said 'no but it doesn't matter, your actions caused her to act that way'. He lost all credibility with me at that point.

Finding a good T is essential! Not all of them are understanding of the situation. My dBPDexbf went to T fo a short amount of time. He was at his worst at that time, it got physicall and very verbally abusive. You know what his therapist told me? "You have to understand that it is BPD, it's not his fault he's yelling and screamin at you and punching walls, throwing you around, its the illness, you should be more understanding!" Really? I asked her if she would tell me the same if I had ended up in a hospital because of his abuse. She went quiet ... .

As for the feminist bull. Man can be abused too, what a load of crap that a man has to suck it up or stand his grounds.

Did the behaviour rub off on me? Yes, but i am glad to say the more time NC, the more I stablize. After 2 years of manipulation, abuse, torment, cheating i became emotionally unstable too. having problems staying calm and regulating my anger and sadness. I turned into a basker case. I also think I will take a next relationship very slow and will have some major trust issues and I wont give up my indepandance.

Wow I could have written this myself. I'm with you brother. There were times I lost my temper, got mad at small stuff that I blew out of proportion. Acted jealous (I'm so not the jealous guy) and appeared at times to be needy, because I was unsure of what her intentions were in our relationship longer term.

I would feel my blood pressure rising, I would act out (never violent, and actually never raising my voice or calling names) it was more of just picking fights again, something foreign to me. I would feel guilt, shame and bad afterwards and it allowed over the course of the relationship for her to label me as the cause of it all.

Stepping back though I see how SHE was the one who turned our relationship physical. She was fresh from divorce, I thought she was a catch but I was like hey lets just hang out and take this slow, I'm not sure what state you're in at this time. She would cry when I'd walk her to her car. "Why don't you like me?" etc. At some point a month or so In I was like, ok, I have to proceed. She says she's fine. I don't want to let her get away or have us end up being "pals" because I think she's not ready, yet we've talked it over a million times and she goes out of her way to tell me she's ready and that her marriage was over long before the papers were signed. Then we did proceed. I was hooked by the amazing physical chemistry. Then she stood me up one night and just never showed up after a work party. I gave up Christmas Eve with my family to spend it with her because she was all alone without her child. I even drove her to the airport Christmas Day when she flew home to her family so she wouldn't have to pay for parking. She never even called me on Christmas after landing. I found out nobody knew about me after that. Then she broke plans with me and I caught her in a lie and she admitted she had cheated on me the night she stood me up and the night I caught her. She picked fights right after our best times together. She said she wanted to spend all her time together, then after I was isolated she started pushing me away knowing I was here alone and miserable. She raged at me over the smallest things and left me feeling lost and helpless. When my grandmother was buried I asked her (only time I ever recall "needing" her for anything) If I could come over I just didn't feel like being alone, it was a tough day. When I got there she raged at me literally for no reason and I was left distraught and walked out. The gashlighting is the worst. The conversations that seem to be getting through only to turn last second into something that's reminiscent of the twilight zone and to be left realizing nothing got through.

Granted, I'm NOT a victim. Any emotionally healthy person would never have tolerated the abuse I did. I was overly optimistic. I thought if I could hold on and try to prove myself or be patient that things would work out. Wrong.

Was I wrong in a lot of my behaviors? Yes. But jesus, My soul was fighting off a disease no different than your immune system fighting off an invasion. It was my survival, my sanity on the line. I'm not some conflict loving person. If I would have had any idea of how disingenuous she really was, and would have any concepts about BPD that I've learned AFTER the fact, like love bombing, mirroring, etc I would have ran. I was blissfully ignorant. It feels akin to emotional rape. She stole my innocence. I know so much psycho babble now and will forever be initially guarded against the motives of other people when I first meet them. For better, or for worse.

[RisingSun]

I picked up so many bad traits from my xw. I can't even list them. I'm not sure if they'll translate into my next relationship but they were there when I was involved with xw that's for sure.

I have never been such an angry person like I was while married to xw. I was so moody and had a hair trigger. These traits crept up slowly over the years. It's what is expected when living in a war zone. I felt like I needed to protect myself at all times. I never knew when I would be attacked so I always felt on edge.

I repeatedly told my xw that I wasn't used to such rage and I would explain how it effected me. She didn't care one bit. She never tried to change her approach to dealing with her rage. She couldn't muster up any compassion for me at all. She would complain that I was emotionless. Yes, I was devoid of emotion because I would totally shut down when she would attack me or if I felt like there was a threat of an attack. I had no opinion because I was scared of how my opinion would be judged. I became someone who had little emotion because I was scared of my xw's criticism and her ability to jump to conclusions. It's a hard place to free yourself from when you're stuck between flight or flight and frozen in fear.

I hope to be able to trust and open up to my next partner.