he keeps saying he'll get the kids 'in an hour'

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Twice he has postponed picking the kids up at the last minute today.  He says he'll get them in an hour.  Seems like a tactic to keep me sitting here all day.  He waited until a few minutes before he was supposed to arrive, to text me that he would be late.  He lives 45 min away so he already knew he wasn't on the way.  He's never done this before.  All these behaviors are stressing me out.  I feel kind of paralyzed to do anything about it.  I'll see if he shows up.  I have a feeling he will send another text saying he's coming an hour from now. 

[momtara]

Twice he has postponed picking the kids up at the last minute today.  He says he'll get them in an hour.  Seems like a tactic to keep me sitting here all day.  He waited until a few minutes before he was supposed to arrive, to text me that he would be late.  He lives 45 min away so he already knew he wasn't on the way.  He's never done this before.  All these behaviors are stressing me out.  I feel kind of paralyzed to do anything about it.  I'll see if he shows up.  I have a feeling he will send another text saying he's coming an hour from now. 

[Deb]

Hmmm, I would be tempted tp text back that if he isn't there by XX time, you will be leaving. Than do it even if it's just to the park Boundaries.

[momtara]

I know.  Kind of afraid to set him off because he's taking them for Thanksgiving later this week.  If I get another 'late' message I will say I assume he's not coming.

[Deb]

You need something in your parenting plan that addresses this. Like a time window where if he doesn't come, and he has no good excuse (like traffic stopped on the interstate, weather so bad only crazy people would drive, ER visit etc), he forfits his visit. Something maybe the PC can work on. Just a thought.

[momtara]

yup.

he did show up eventually.

just called kids, they're fine.

so, on to the next problem. 

[david]

Usually court orders have a window of say plus or minus 15 minutes. Do you have times when you pick the kids up ? If so what is your window of time. If it is reasonable then use that as a guide.

In situations like this I always figure a judge will probably be seeing this in the future. If this is a one or two time occurrence and you are making an issue out of it then you are the problem not him. If this is becoming a regular thing then you can set a boundary if you think it is that important.

Our order has week on / week off in the summer. When I pick the boys up I have a window of plus or minus ten minutes for myself. My ex is consistently over a half hour. Once she was over four hours late. I never reacted because I don't care if the boys are with me longer and I haven't had anything I needed to do. If I had to do something I would send ex an email letting her know when she can pick the boys up because I am no longer home.

This has been going on for the last three summers. Our boys actually have a game of over/under as to how late their mom will be. They made it up all on their own and I don't play the game with them.

[david]

My ex likes getting a reaction from me. I think that goes under negative engagement. By not reacting she does not get what she wants and changes her behavior. I believe the summer thing is a more passive/aggressive thing and she is very good at that.

[david]

Notice too that he keeps trying new things to throw you off or engage. You have been posting a lot of things and it seems he is constantly shifting his tactics to get a response. The trick I learned is to figure out when to respond and when to ignore. That takes practice and, trust me, I made lots of mistakes. I am much better at figuring out when I need to respond and when I don't. I still make mistakes but I think I am making much less.

My ex doesn't like email only communication. I made that boundary over three years ago. She tried many ways around it and hasn't succeeded. It's like a game or test of wills for her. One of my reasons for email only communication is documentation. We are currently going through a court ordered co parent counseling. We had two meetings so far and she has made up so many tales that can be disproved through email. I called her on a few and mentioned I had an email to show the truth. That must have really got to her. Since then I have received emails telling me she is having problems with her email account. Yes in an email. She is not responding to my emails. I have sent three in the last two weeks that do need an answer from her. Last week she started calling me and leaving voice mails. I send email responses when I think I need to respond. I recently put texting back on my phone and do not want to let ex know because I do not want texts from her. However, you can send texts through the internet and she can reply and it will go to my email. I sent her an email telling her just that. I still haven't gotten any replies for the three emails after sending them that way too. I haven't quite figured out what I can do about it but we have a counseling meeting in two weeks and I will address the issue then. 

[momtara]

Yeah, I know - I pretty much didn't react to this one.  It was annoying, though.  If it becomes a habit, I'll do something about it.  This is the first time for this particular annoyance.  

But... .what if he's not doing it to get a reaction.  That almost seems too logical... .What if he's just really mentally ill and doesn't even know what he's doing?  

[whirlpoollife]

In the beginning, I had the same problem with the twice a week , ( each child by themselves ), evening visits. Every half hour was another half hour . We would go to the mutual meeting spot only to go back home and wait . Then h wanted extra time to make up for the time he missed.  I don't know how I did it but I stuck to the pick up time. Which of course he had to be late just to show he is boss.

At another  custody hearing, those weekly visits discontinued in exchange giving him more overnights .

I currently drop off and pick up kids at his residence.  Less c/s for him to pay, gas for me to pay,  but it runs smoother .