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Author Topic: Head games with child may be 2 working:(  (Read 426 times)
TheOther

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« on: November 23, 2014, 09:46:24 PM »

It's with been awhile since I've been on here but I'm fighting back tears of frustration and turning to the only people I know with me understand and share some of my feelings. Dh was awarded primary custody of child then 3 years old. mom has alternating weekends and part of the summer and lives 6 hours away. We've been through our share of drama with mom including CPS and threats to try to get child back.a little backgrounds mom's Bpd traits shine through strongest in her selfishness. She has never been a very active or involved parent with the child and seems mostly concerned about what losing custody does to her social perception by others. she has always been playing mind games with child. Examples: calling child telling her that she cries and cries because child no longer lives with her, telling her the baby in the house cries because she is not there, letting her know on any activity she is missing out on while at our house, telling her it makes her sad when child is happy at dads house. Pick up yesterday a neW drama was met. Mom answered the door and said child didn't want to live with him anymore and was in her room crying. She and her new husband then spent 40 minutes trying to convince DH to leave child there because that's what child wanted.  mom offers this incident as proof that the Current custody arrangement is not working and even suggest that child needs to go to counseling to deal with the drama of being torn away from her mother. Dh finally got child and carried her out kicking and screaming to the car all the while child yelling I don't ever want to go home with you because I'm having fun here I don't ever have any fun at your house I want to stay with my mom because she is the best mom in the world. in talking with child after the incident child confess that mom had told them to tell Dad they didn't want to live with him and then they could stay and play with the new toys mom had just bought. I expected as much from mom and I know child is still young to fully understand the situation. But it still hurts and feels like a punch to the stomach to hear her screaming how she has no fun with us and her mom is the best mother in the world and she never wants to live with us again all the while mom looking on pretty smug with herself. children throw temper tantrums child has done it before when child has been playing with friends or cousins and didn't want to leave because they were having fun but I have this feeling now that mom has discovered this before every pick up she will hand her a brand new toy or start some fun activities so that the child will throw a fit and instead of handling it like an adult she tells the child then tell your dad you don't want to go and you can stay and play. we Have always made a huge effort to do so many fun things with and for child and up until now child has always talked about how much fun we are having and what cool new things we do. But now mom in her 4 days a month is the new hero and we are the disciplinary bad guys who do school and church and have a role instead of play all the time. Any ideas on how to deal with this? the only idea that we have had is to make pick up and drop off in a public place somewhere other then the homes where maybe this one lesson the drama?
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enlighten me
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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2014, 10:18:03 PM »

Hi theother

Its hard when kids are being used like that. My ex wife played lots of similar games. My kids have seen through her behaviour though. Im in the situation where they live with their mum but never want to go home. She has them running around for her. Cooking and cleaning and looking after her baby daughter. They don't get to be kids and chill out. I offer them the balance they need.

Your daughter will eventually see through it. You and your husband need to be the stability that her mother will never be. You also need not to join in the games and try and not to buy her with presents as this will leave the child playing you off each other.

One thing that helps my boys is having someone neutral to talk to. Maybe having her speak to a counsellor may help and could be useful in any future court action.
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TheOther

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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2014, 12:50:40 AM »

Thank you that's what I needed to hear... .that with age and maturity she may start seeing mom for who she is. A few more things developed since my post... .child sat and talked with dad about how she was feeling and turns out child was having so much fun because an aunt was in town and had been babysitting and teaching her new games. Mom now wants to use this incident to send her to a child psychologists with the arrangement that if the psychologist says she wants to stay with mom we should do that to make child happy. She also says child spends her days there crying and not eating well... .yet she is happy and hyper with us - but somehow this adds up to how she should get her back by he just can't ever make up for the  mother daughter bond he doesn't have with her. I guess the father daughter bond just isn't as impressive.   thanks for letting me vent.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2014, 02:50:18 AM »

Hi again

The mother child bond is a very strong one due to hormone bonding. During birth and breast feeding oxytocin is released which bonds the child to the mother. One thing I have noticed is the bond between my eldest and their mum isnt as strong as with my youngest and his mum. My eldest sons were caesarian and bottle fed where my youngest was natural and breastfed.

just thought I would add that as you mentionedthe mother daughter bond.

I think you should have her see a child psycologist but not with the strings the mother is attaching. Use the fact that it would be good for her due to the circumstances.

like I said before if you dont play games and are stable parents then she will see her mothers games. My middle son was 7 when me and his mum split up and it amazed me how much stuff he brought up about her behaviour from over the years.

good luck.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2014, 12:15:03 PM »

She's about 5-6 years old now?  I agree that counseling would be good but be very careful to chose an experienced counselor or child psychologist.  You don't want one who might be gullible or swayed by mother's manipulations, pressuring or highly-charged emotional assertions.

My ex and I separated when our son was approaching 4 years of age.  If anything, I think my son was a little behind socially due to his mother's influence.  I recall in kindergarten when her rages at the pediatrician's staff resulted in "withdrawal of services" that she felt an urgent need to make me look worse than her.  So she concocted a claim I had raged at son and beat him on his shins.  (Anyone with active boys knows all boys have bruises on their shins.  That's what the ER nurse wrote too.)  But since ex had somehow gotten son to parrot her the case was referred to CPS.  CPS closed the case when it came out that the bruise was probably from the monkey bars when mother had him at a park.   The point here is that my son didn't realize he was lying nor the consequences of lying.  He had his own sort of FOG and confusion to deal with.  So from eBay I got him a Clifford the Big Red Dog book - T-Bone Tells the Truth.  Then he understood a little.

You can't expect a pwBPD to act reasonably.  She is what she is and she does what she does, since you can't change her you have to deal with her the way she is and as skillfully as possible.  For the first few years, until my son became accustomed to it or his resistance faded, not sure which, when I would pick up my son at the sheriff's office he would come running.  Bringing him back he would fuss and fight not to go back, sometimes even crying and struggling to stay with me.  Predictably, my ex would accuse the opposite, apparently projection, "What did you do to him?" 

I agree, picking up a child from the home would make the exchange harder if the child is being manipulated or coached.  We used the sheriff's office or public places such as restaurant parking lots and that surely helped.  If the order ever gets modified it would be smart to get exchanges moved to neutral locations such as a convenient nearby restaurant, store, shopping center or even a police station.

Court will tell you that the children do not make the decisions.  Period.  Even if they're fussing or reluctant to leave the house.  (I recall I got lambasted by a magistrate when I asked about a new telephone contact order whether my son didn't want to call, I was told it wasn't up to the child.)

Good thing DH has majority time now, his ex blocking his parenting and then moving away was a real Gift to him.   He should never let his custody and parenting be put at risk, it would be a huge uphill struggle to get it back. Frankly, he has established his parenting, that is good, courts are reluctant to make major changes and they really don't like custody bouncing back and forth.  Due to their genders, it would be easier for his ex to get custody than for him to get it back.  So he needs to avoid giving her an opening to wriggle or blast her way back in.
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david
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« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2014, 04:58:53 PM »

Get a audio recorder and record the pickups and what child says in the car. It may be very helpful if the courts order some kind of counseling. It would make it much easier for the counselor or if BPD ever tries to change custody.

My ex left in 2007. SA few months after she left we had a temp custody order. Ex dropped them off at my place. They walked into the house and said in unison, "We want to live with mom. We hate you and never want to see you again". It was obviously coached by ex. I simply told them I loved them and ignored.

Staying focused on the kids and ignoring ex's bs was the key. I did address issues that came up because of things she said or did. I never criticized her but made sure I told the truth. Today our S16 sleeps at her place per court order but has minimal contact with her even when there. Our S11 is distancing himself from her too but not as drastic. I feel bad for them but she is the one that is doing this.

I have SS's (her kids from her first marriage) and I have a great relationship with two of them. One is total NC with his mom and the other is LC with her. Another SS has substance abuse issues and doesn't have a relationship with anyone but his mom because she is enabling him.

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