Withdrawing from healthy friendships

[Ziggiddy]

I looked back over some diaries recently and saw a series of events in a whole new light - mostly a desperate yearning for someone to like me or love me. In fact in over 1,200 entries over 4 years I mention that in almost every single one.

Instead of cringing as I usually do at my former self for the first time I felt really quite sorry for that poor lost girl.

I saw in a matter of months 2 sexual assaults, police dismissing my claims re: being molested, the death of a beloved childhood friend, a move from the town to the city, changing schools, parents separation, car accident that left me head injured and permanently damaged two of my friends' brains and some other minor incidents.

I didn't really feel like any of those things knocked me off my perch - I wrote nothing or little of them in any of my (very thorough and regular) diaries. I remember thinking that I didn't care much about any of them for long (except my friend's death)

I also see that none of those things mattered to me as much as wishing to be loved. Wishing so hard LONGING for a friend. Someone to just like me enough to still be my friend tomorrow.

Then suddenly last night, I decided not to invest in some friendships that have come to me recently. I  made a conscious decision not to do it. Not to invite or get involved with them even though these people are really nice. I don't get it.

I can't figure what happened. But I have suddenly felt resigned to never having a friend a best friend like other people seem to have.

What happened?

[Linda Maria]

Hi Zigiddy!  I was so moved by your post, I felt I wanted to reply, although I don't think I have any major insights to offer.  I think I can understand your not writing so much, or being quite so affected by the various external events that happened to you when you were younger.  They were big things, but they were certainly things that you couldn't blame yourself for - they weren't your fault in any way, and they were concrete things that people can understand and sympathise with.  The other aspect, of not feeling loved or liked is a whole different thing, and if you were not fortunate enough to have these things from the people who should have been providing them when you were younger, I imagine it leaves a massive insecurity and later defensiveness, to be able to survive it.  Could it be, that having revisited how you felt when you wrote those diaries, that it has permeated how you feel right now, so that these new positive friendships now feel like something scary or risky, that could end badly, so rather than take that risk, you just won't invest in them, and so protect yourself?  It takes a lot of courage to build new relationships when you have been badly hurt or let down in the past, so I completely understand and empathise.  It's all about trying to find that balance, and it is a very hard thing to do.  You cannot predict if the new friendships will turn out well, but maybe you can keep your options open by not cutting off completely, until you feel stronger and more sure.  All I know is, I have  read a lot of your posts on these boards, offering empathy and much wisdom to other people, and I would be honoured to have a friend like you in my life - and I think a lot of other people would say the same.  Best wishes.

[Turkish]

How do you think you would feel if you were truly valued by a friend?

[Kwamina]

Hi Ziggidy

Could it be, that having revisited how you felt when you wrote those diaries, that it has permeated how you feel right now, so that these new positive friendships now feel like something scary or risky, that could end badly, so rather than take that risk, you just won't invest in them, and so protect yourself?

    I must say that Linda Maria has asked you an excellent question here that really goes to the core of the matter.

[boatman]

How do you think you would feel if you were truly valued by a friend?

This is a great question! The obvious answer for me is good but in terms of my experience I'm not sure what good would actually feel like. I think I might feel anxious and scared too.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ziggiddy,

When I read your post, I saw a child who wanted desperately to feel yet she could not dare to do so.

I didn't really feel like any of those things knocked me off my perch - I wrote nothing or little of them in any of my (very thorough and regular) diaries. I remember thinking that I didn't care much about any of them for long (except my friend's death)

I also see that none of those things mattered to me as much as wishing to be loved. Wishing so hard LONGING for a friend. Someone to just like me enough to still be my friend tomorrow.

Is it possible that you were already numb to being able to experience feelings yet at the same time you certainly recognized your need to be loved and wanted to feel loved? I've often experienced an inability to receive positive feelings, and I've read in other threads where others are challenged with the same thing.

How do you think you would feel if you were truly valued by a friend?

Ah what a great question! I think last week I was given opportunity to see this in my co-workers/friends who protected and valued me in a particular situation that took place. I saw it, I wonder at it, and I am in awe trying to figure out what it means. That's a tough one to try and answer!

And I agree with Linda Maria:

All I know is, I have  read a lot of your posts on these boards, offering empathy and much wisdom to other people, and I would be honoured to have a friend like you in my life - and I think a lot of other people would say the same.

Woolspinner 

[Ziggiddy]

I was quite literally moved to tears  when I read this. Thank you. Thank you for trying to help me understand what's going on.

Linda Maria you said you didn't have special insight but you were quite wrong!

if you were not fortunate enough to have these things from the people who should have been providing them when you were younger, I imagine it leaves a massive insecurity and later defensiveness, to be able to survive it.  Could it be, that having revisited how you felt when you wrote those diaries, that it has permeated how you feel right now, so that these new positive friendships now feel like something scary or risky, that could end badly, so rather than take that risk, you just won't invest in them, and so protect yourself? 

It's such a cliche isn't it? get hurt so withdraw but I never really believed I was like that. I am believing it now though.

I understand that I don't have a normal 'trauma reaction' to places or events but I'm wondering if it is in people? I have noticed strong internal activity and a buzz in my head that I can't quite describe when i start thinking "Oh I should contact my new friend and say let's meet together.' The rejection left me reeling even though them declining was due to legitimate reasons.

I keep on in this obsessive loop that they all have friends and lives and things to do except me. It doesn't feel rational but it feels true if you know what I mean?

I then conveniently forget the times I decline or cancel ... .

It IS scaring me. And I can't seem to do anything that genuinely neutralises the fear. The compulsion to run is overwhelming.

Thank you thank you so for your kind addendum. It's quite humbling to think people think that way of me. Hand on heart I was overwhelmed with emotion at your comment 

Turkish - how would I feel if I were truly valued by a friend? I must say i have old friends whom I feel truly valued by and loved - my panic starts with new friends. That I will fail of some requisite thing - talk too much or say a bad joke.

Wools oh my. Still can't stop the tears flowing at reading yours. I think you must be right about feeling numb already. that would be a great relief and explain why I devote 2 entries to the mention of the death of the girl who was my childhood heartbestfriend. I went to counselling a few months later for months and months unable to cope yet I never wrote a word of it anywhere in any journal diary letter. this bothers the hell out of me. Was I making up how I felt in order to foment drama? It seems possible as I did do stuff like that as a teen. but then why does it continue to cause me untold grief even now, 30 years on?

I need to figure it out.

Thank you for your helps!

[Woolspinner2000]

Ziggiddy,

It IS scaring me. And I can't seem to do anything that genuinely neutralises the fear. The compulsion to run is overwhelming.

When I met with a new friend earlier this year for the first time, somehow we got our dates mixed up and she didn't show at our appointed location and time. I was late to begin with and thought that she had left already. Not only did I kick myself, but I also worried for several days that I had done something wrong. I wanted to run too. She had written down the date for the following week to come, so it was nothing more than a misunderstanding. In these situations, I usually have to tell myself over and over, "This is a reflex reaction from your past" or something like that. I end up sounding like a broken record, but it helps tremendously to say it out loud many times. For me this helps to quiet my soul. Do you have something that you might be able to say to yourself that may help?

I devote 2 entries to the mention of the death of the girl who was my childhood heartbestfriend. I went to counselling a few months later for months and months unable to cope yet I never wrote a word of it anywhere in any journal diary letter. this bothers the hell out of me. Was I making up how I felt in order to foment drama? It seems possible as I did do stuff like that as a teen. but then why does it continue to cause me untold grief even now, 30 years on?

If you were already numb to feeling, then to be able to write two entries may have been a huge thing. In other words, for something to move you so deeply that it got into your feeling world, causing you to comment on it, could that be the reason why you devoted separate entries to the topic?  To risk writing more during those painful months of counseling and seeing the hopelessness of losing someone whom you trusted, perhaps the only person you trusted, I doubt that I would've had the emotional energy to expose myself and release more for the damn would've broken and at your age, there was still no way out of the hopelessness. These are just some thoughts that come to my mind when I think of myself in your place.

Is it possible that you are grieving now for all those lost things that you couldn't allow yourself to grieve back then? I can tell you from my own experience that the grieving now seems like it will never end.  I know it's one of the steps to healing, but I wouldn't mind skipping over that step along with a few others too!


Wools