Undecided but recent events making me lean towards leaving

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, everyone.

I have been dating my girlfriend diagnosed with BPD for about a year now. Throughout this whole time period I had no reason to question her loyalty or fidelity. We were both exclusive (at least i thought) and it was never an issue.

However, recently an incident came to my attention that made me question her loyalty. My gf is not allowed to stay at my house because of a blowout that happened over the summer where she was disrespectful to my mother. For this reason she will either stay at my co-worker Amanda's house or her brother Alex's house when she comes to visit.

Now this past week Amanda began to get annoyed by her and she was staying at the brother's house. So one night after we are done hanging out she says she is too tired to drive to amanda's and is going to stay over the brothers house. I thought nothing of it and wished her a goodnight. The next day she doesn't text until 5pm which is very unlike her and tells me that they had a nice time and good talk and she got the errands done that she needed to. A quick side note: she always would tell me repetitively not to worry about anything happening that she found him repulsive and even though he always tried to get with her she made it clear she didn't want to.

On a mission to get to the bottom of what happened, a week or so later I lied to her and I told her that I had gotten bloodwork done and contracted a curable STD. I told her this isnt possible because we have both remained loyal to each other. She then proceeded to admit what happened. she said that one night she was over the kid's house and drank way too much and as she was waking up he took advantage of her. Now this would be believable if she didn't proceed to stay at his house the weekend after as if nothing had happened. She says that she was going to tell me eventually and that because of what happened in her past with being abused she locked up and wanted to pretend everything was normal. However i think if i had never said anything she would have never told me.

She takes repsonsibility for drinking irresponsibly but still claims that he took advantage of her in her sleep. She doesn't want to press charges or have me talk to him about it. She wants to deal with it in her own way.

Im furious and don't know what to do... I think its just really hard to grasp that she can in fact be revengeful as well as lie cheat and steal.

[jtree123]

Hello, everyone.

I have been dating my girlfriend diagnosed with BPD for about a year now. Throughout this whole time period I had no reason to question her loyalty or fidelity. We were both exclusive (at least i thought) and it was never an issue.

However, recently an incident came to my attention that made me question her loyalty. My gf is not allowed to stay at my house because of a blowout that happened over the summer where she was disrespectful to my mother. For this reason she will either stay at my co-worker Amanda's house or her brother Alex's house when she comes to visit.

Now this past week Amanda began to get annoyed by her and she was staying at the brother's house. So one night after we are done hanging out she says she is too tired to drive to amanda's and is going to stay over the brothers house. I thought nothing of it and wished her a goodnight. The next day she doesn't text until 5pm which is very unlike her and tells me that they had a nice time and good talk and she got the errands done that she needed to. A quick side note: she always would tell me repetitively not to worry about anything happening that she found him repulsive and even though he always tried to get with her she made it clear she didn't want to.

On a mission to get to the bottom of what happened, a week or so later I lied to her and I told her that I had gotten bloodwork done and contracted a curable STD. I told her this isnt possible because we have both remained loyal to each other. She then proceeded to admit what happened. she said that one night she was over the kid's house and drank way too much and as she was waking up he took advantage of her. Now this would be believable if she didn't proceed to stay at his house the weekend after as if nothing had happened. She says that she was going to tell me eventually and that because of what happened in her past with being abused she locked up and wanted to pretend everything was normal. However i think if i had never said anything she would have never told me.

She takes repsonsibility for drinking irresponsibly but still claims that he took advantage of her in her sleep. She doesn't want to press charges or have me talk to him about it. She wants to deal with it in her own way.

Im furious and don't know what to do... I think its just really hard to grasp that she can in fact be revengeful as well as lie cheat and steal.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jtree123, For many, the decision would be easy.  Why do you think you are struggling with it?

LuckyJim

[jtree123]

Hey jtree123, For many, the decision would be easy.  Why do you think you are struggling with it?

LuckyJim

Thanks for your reply Jim... I'm honestly not sure why I am struggling with it. The more I talk to her I want to believe her that she did get taken advantage of and that she was a victim in this as well. I also don't know why I would want to continue a relationship that is hurting me. Its like I don't know if I love her and want to believe her or I am just addicted to the drama.

[Lucky Jim]

jtree, you pose some good questions that only you can answer.  Why do you want to continue with a r/s that you describe as "hurting you"?  Why are you trying so hard to "believe" your GF?  What is it that you get out of the drama?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Lucky Jim

[lifechangingdecision]

I completely understand why its hard to leave.  It hurts when you love someone. But trust me when I say get out now before its too late! Yes it will hurt but if you stay you will have so much more heartbreak. I have been dealing with it for 10 years, have 2 kids, lost all my confidence and self esteem and am now trying to decide which will be the lesser of two evils. Staying or leaving. Either way he will make my life hell and I have to deal with him for life. If she was taken advantage of she NEVER would have went back to his house!  You deserve to be happy and to find someone that loves you. A relationship based on trust and honesty.  It does not sound like you will ever have this with her especially with her out of control drinking.  I wish you the best of luck! I wish I would have left after the first warning signs before I got in too deep! Follow your gut always!

[pallavirajsinghani]

The issue is not whether she was a victim or not... .the issue is that you did not feel the trust that should exist in a strong relationship.  Just your own need for creative entrapment should tell you about what you subconsciously think about this relationship... .and your rational mind is not yet ready to admit.

Please do read more posts on this site... .especially the ones that speak of ignoring the "red flags". 

Do not ignore the red flag in her (blow-out with your mother) nor in yourself (the STD story).

We constantly rationalize our instincts away out of guilt.  Intuition and instinct are not irrational.  Pay heed to what your heart is already telling you.

[jtree123]

Thank you everyone for you input and feedback. It is amazing to have somewhere to talk about this and people to relate to. Also Lifechangingdecision, I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. We are here for you too, you are not alone.

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and she says that I am in denial and codependent on her and that is why I cannot leave. I am afraid that I will be bored and forced to look inward. It is something comfortable and known even though it is toxic. She suggested I read Co dependency - the intimacy factor. She believes that by understanding what codependence is it is easier to identify with it and move forward.

However, today I think I have had it. I found out today that she slept with another one of my friends who is 40 years old (she is 19). Not only does this disgust me but it breaks my heart that a friend would do that and then proceed to lie to me . THat is another question I have of you guys.

My friend was always telling me how I could do so much better and didn't need to stay with her. But then why would he have sex with her? It is very confusing. Granted him and I were more acquaintances than best friends and she can be extremely manipulative and told him that I was stealing from her. She also stole from him and he has sworn no contact with her either.

I confronted her about it and she immediately came clean as if she knew it was coming. This came with a full on balling cry session followed by telling me all sorts of things like,

"I would rather die than be without you. It was one vulnerable too high stupid ass mistake you don't know how badly I feel about it. You're better than everyone. I'm begging you to be with me too josh. I want you to be the one I only sleep next to

I want you to father any kids I have I want you to marry me someday I want you to wife me up I want to have you as my hubby my apple to my FCKING eye You already are My heart is consumed by you My mind runs all day on thoughts of you

I dreamt about us the first night listening to country and making love for 3 hours And then waking up next to you

I want to every day of my life That's all I know. All I sleep eat breath think about You.

You're the only one

I'll be alone if i can't have you.

But I'll be alone for sure. You're the only thing my heart skips a beat for. If I lose you I won't have anything.


I have to be in serious denial to believe this right? I mean if she did feel bad wouldn't she have said something? She said nothing about either of these instances. I need to just tell her to leave me alone and go NC and get my life back.

[FoolishMan]

Thank you everyone for you input and feedback. It is amazing to have somewhere to talk about this and people to relate to. Also Lifechangingdecision, I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. We are here for you too, you are not alone.

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and she says that I am in denial and codependent on her and that is why I cannot leave. I am afraid that I will be bored and forced to look inward. It is something comfortable and known even though it is toxic. She suggested I read Co dependency - the intimacy factor. She believes that by understanding what codependence is it is easier to identify with it and move forward.

However, today I think I have had it. I found out today that she slept with another one of my friends who is 40 years old (she is 19). Not only does this disgust me but it breaks my heart that a friend would do that and then proceed to lie to me . THat is another question I have of you guys.

My friend was always telling me how I could do so much better and didn't need to stay with her. But then why would he have sex with her? It is very confusing. Granted him and I were more acquaintances than best friends and she can be extremely manipulative and told him that I was stealing from her. She also stole from him and he has sworn no contact with her either.

I confronted her about it and she immediately came clean as if she knew it was coming. This came with a full on balling cry session followed by telling me all sorts of things like,

"I would rather die than be without you. It was one vulnerable too high stupid ass mistake you don't know how badly I feel about it. You're better than everyone. I'm begging you to be with me too josh. I want you to be the one I only sleep next to

I want you to father any kids I have I want you to marry me someday I want you to wife me up I want to have you as my hubby my apple to my FCKING eye You already are My heart is consumed by you My mind runs all day on thoughts of you

I dreamt about us the first night listening to country and making love for 3 hours And then waking up next to you

I want to every day of my life That's all I know. All I sleep eat breath think about You.

You're the only one

I'll be alone if i can't have you.

But I'll be alone for sure. You're the only thing my heart skips a beat for. If I lose you I won't have anything.


I have to be in serious denial to believe this right? I mean if she did feel bad wouldn't she have said something? She said nothing about either of these instances. I need to just tell her to leave me alone and go NC and get my life back.

Hi Jtree, what a heartbreaking time you are going through, I wish you all the best you sound like you are dealing with this very well.

I got the exact same message, more than once. Which means that she did crap again after the first time. Even though it's been since Feb/March this year we've been apart reading your post took me right back! As much as I believed it too, once I took her back the last time, it turned out to be a bait and dump attempt. The guy she felt so bad about "just being friends with" turns out to be the mostest perfectest amazingest guy in the world, according to her Facebook a week after we spilt. A week after she made me promise her and her mother I'd get a quick divorce and marry her within 3 months of it and try for a child 6 months after that.

These people are truly sick!

[FrenchConnection]

I had some red flags in the relationship too.  I didn't want to really believe them because i was "in-love".  But truth be told i was living as a co-dependent too.  I don't know if my exBPDgf ever cheated on me but i do know she hides some truth about certain things that i later found out about.  So in the end my intuition told me this relationship was not good. 

I think that is what yours is telling you too. 

It's hard to leave something you feel that you need and want.   In reality you are projecting your ideas of "love" onto her so that you don't see the truth of the situation but you only see (or want to believe) what your heart wants and desires.  It's exactly what i did for a while too.  Then i took a step back and stopped the relationship.  And i realized i would never treat my loved one the way she treated me.  So why should i accept her behavior? 

Follow your intuition and not your heart.  And find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.