Best approach (what to say, what to do) dealing with an absentee father

[allibaba]

Hello there!  First time poster on this board (spent 2013 on the Staying Board)

A few posting on the Personal Inventory Board in 2014

New to the CoParenting Board!

I am going to go see a psychologist about this... .but thought that I would draw on the wealth of knowledge on these boards.

Background:

Physically, emotionally abusive ex husband (abusive to me, never to our son - son was exposed to some behavior - I worked as hard as I could to limit his exposure to my ex bad behavior)

Fought the good fight in 2013 with boundaries trying to save our marriage (and our son's future and my sanity)

Made my husband leave the house in December 2013 under duress as he had seriously compromised my boundaries.  We couldn't go back.

January 2014 - June 2014 Husband made superficial attempts to fix himself

June 2014 signed legally binding separation agreement - financially separate / me primary care, but generous joint custody

Since we split, my uBPD ex has spoken to our son on the phone (generally 2x a day) - I initiated the majority of the calls.

Early on, they spent most Fridays and Sundays together (though overnights started to dwindle)

Maybe two months ago got a text from ex saying 'seeing son part time is too hard on him.' (him is uBPD ex)  I validated and said that I wouldn't push but son would be available.

Ex has made repeatedly references on how parenting is too hard on him.

About a month ago, I told ex I was dating someone new but it was early.  Ex went into full BPD meltdown.  Abusive. 

Won't pick up phone (we continued to call 2x a day for about 3 weeks).

Friday I stopped calling (frankly I needed a break).  Sent him an email Sunday saying that it must be really hard on him being a single parent, that I understood but for my own sake I wasn't going to keep chasing him.  When he decides to be part of, son will still be available. 

First I got an abusive email calling me every name in creation.  Then I got the following:

"like i told you already.  You wanted him.  Keep him.  I would rather cut my ties now than suffer 20 years.  Take care of him.  Have some fun with him.  I leave [country of residence] early spring. My life is f... ed... .my heart destroyed completely. I hope you enjoy yours.  Dont bother responding."

So its obvious that he is hurting badly.  He wants to be together and I cannot do it anymore.  He got many, many chances and he crossed too many lines.

So many people have told me to stop chasing him.  Just let him go.  What I am doing is only making things worse.

Our son is only 2.  He seems to have accepted the 'daddy is busy working' excuse.  Some weeks are better than others but overall he seems ok.  He is a wreck after spending time with his dad.

What do I do?  What do I say?

My ex has effectively given up legal custody in our country.  I could gain sole custody with almost no issues now.  (I will do so if he leaves the country only so that I have the ability to make any decisions)

The question is... .what is best for our son?  What do I do?  I honestly never thought my ex would act like this.

Input greatly appreciated.

[momtara]

Alibaba!  I wondered how things were going!  I am so sorry you are going through that.  I know how hard you tried.  I also know he was threatening and dangerous.  You really did try.

This is a sad thing because you know there is a good side of him, you've seen that side undone by the illness, and you know if not for the illness maybe he'd be a great dad and father.  But BPD, especially to the extent he has it, is very hard to change.  I feel the same way about my ex - there's a good person in there, and the good person doesn't understand the evil person.  But you just can't get rid of the evil one.

As for what to do - consider yourself lucky.  I thought my ex would slink away too.  He has always avoided taking care of the kids and was in pain when he had to do anything.  Now he sees them every other weekend for an overnight (at his parents' house though) and he talks about seeing them more.  He makes things confusing and complicated -  doesn't want them to see this or that doctor, calls me for information he already has, etc.

Your ex knows, deep down, he cannot care for your son.  It almost seems like to push your son on him is to put him in danger.  Your ex is not equipped to care for him - he's honest about that.  I know you don't want to sever the relationship, and you want your son to have a dad and not feel abandoned.  On the other hand, you also want your son to have peace. 

(By the way, my ex said he'd move out of this area too if we got divorced, because he couldn't afford divorce and cs in our expensive area.  However, he is still here.)

As your son gets older, maybe ex will be able to Skype with him or occasionally visit.  I think you should talk to a child pscyhologist or therapist about what to say to your son.  Our parent coordinator said it's not good to ignore kids' questions, but you obviously don't have to tell them everything.  I tell my kids that daddy lives with grandma.  I don't think telling him that he has to work a lot is so bad.  Some dads DO travel a lot and some are in the military.

Let him go.  Take care of your son yourself.  You are being given a GIFT many of us would like to have  - the change to make the right decisions for your son without interference.  Stability.    You won't have to worry you will have to cancel something because he backs out of parenting time last minute.  You won't have to worry he'll show up at a school event and make you uncomfortable.  You won't have to worry he will kill himself with son there.  You will have peace! This is all healthier for you and your son than if you have to keep tapdancing to try to keep up communication. 

You've saved money on lawyers by not having to fight for parenting time.  So use it for sitters if you need more free time.

I say, let him go and feel lucky.  There are plenty of kids without fathers around.  You are doing a great job as a mom and you will make sure he's well adjusted. 

And congrats on the new boyfriend... .how did you meet him?  (If it's true, that is!)

Your ex is kind of like mine.  Mine wants to come back too.  Except, mine lives with his parents and I guess that's why he still sees the kids.  I thought he'd be out of the picture.  Intsead, he stays in and makes my head spin.

I know this is all sad, seeing someone you loved just disappear.  You tried so hard though.  Remember how he threatened the dogs (I think? That could have been someone else.)

Yes, it's good for a child to have some relationship with the other parent.  I understand that, and you have tried your best.  But you tried almost to your emotional detriment.  It's more stable and calm to let him just move on.  At some point he may skype or what have you.  You don't want him changing his mind and trying for more parenting time.  Take this opportunity to let him go, stop calling him, establish a significant period of time in which he rarely or never sees him, and then think about changing custody. 

[momtara]

I missed this, too:  "He is a wreck after spending time with his dad."

Well, there you have it.  On top of everything else, the time is detrimental.  You are trying to be too fair - a mistake I make too.  Your ex is mentally ill.  Your mention of a new relationship really triggered him, but that's not your problem.  Trying to push your ex to see your son at this point may just make him feel guilty.  He simply can't care for your son.  Thus, he shouldn't.  He is telling you that flat out.  Some dads fight to be with their kids.  He is fighting to get away.  Let him.  When your son is much older maybe they can have some sort of relationship again.

[momtara]

Also, it is important to validate son's feelings.  You can say "I know you miss daddy" if he brings that up.  I find that my kids miss their dad most right after they see him.  As time goes on, they're busy with stuff and they don't think about it as much.

[allibaba]

Hi Momtara!

Another person who has been with me for a big portion of this journey!  Yes my husband was violent.  Yes he threatened the dogs.

I doubt that we have seen the end of this story but it seems pretty obvious that I should stop trying to push the two of them together.

I think that my ex would be like your ex if he had ANY family or friend support where we live.  He doesn't and no one sees him abandoning his son.  His NPD would have kicked in already if someone thought he was being a bad dad. 

I am going to let them drift apart for the time being with the hopes that he (my ex) finds himself in a better place down the road and we can try again.  I am worried that he won't stay in this country primarily because his right of residence here terminates in May 2016 and he hasn't done what he needs to do to stay (either renew his permanent residence or apply for citizenship).  He is incredibly lazy.  I have refrained from doing the paperwork for him (it was hard ).  We spoke on the phone this morning in a very civil way and he said that he has applied for a visa to go to Costa Rica and that it takes 6 weeks to process (maybe a lie, who knows).  He said he wants to buy a house down there.  At this point, I am going to continue to document the lack of presence in our son's life.  Eventually I will take over legal custody completely.  I will not limit his access though, unless its detrimental to our son.  In the end, it is a win for me.  Just wish my little guy had more of a dad  

I have done tons of validating with our son.  He says, "I miss my daddy."  I say, "I understand buddy, that is really hard." and "I miss him too, can I give you a big hug?"  That seems to make him feel better.  I have also given him a matchbox car that I call "daddy's car" (actually I have a couple).  When he starts to miss daddy, I ask him if he wants to look after daddy's car for daddy while he is away.  I told my ex and the rare occasion he pops in... .he will say things like "Are you taking good care of my car for me, son?"  It seems to be a tool that is working and I appreciate that my ex has been able to participate. 

For more info on my personal journey (I spent some really hard time working on myself this year) check this thread out

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232551.0;all

And I will private message you on how I met the new guy... .its a funny story!

Thanks for your thoughts.  Much appreciated.

[Turkish]

That's a heartbreaking story, allibaba!

Since you've been here, it sounds like you've got the SET and validation down, but your Ex sounds like he's telling you what he wants, as momtara said. It sounds like he's triangulating  ("rescue me!" but also casting you in the role of the Persecutor. It sounds like you've been initiating most of the phone calls, or has your son been asking to call Daddy at all? It's kind of you to do that, but Daddy is a big boy, and he can certainly call if he wants to, no? If not, then that's on him.

It's understandable that you want your son to have a r/s with his dad, but it may be better at this point to let his dad go and be a memory or someone who occasionally pops into his life. If he leaves the country, and you retain sole custody, it may be at that point that it's a Skype r/s or something like that. It's very sad, but NC with his dad might be better in the long run, and you can focus on being Mommy to your own son.

[allibaba]

 

but your Ex sounds like he's telling you what he wants, as momtara said. It sounds like he's triangulating  ("rescue me!" but also casting you in the role of the Persecutor.

My ex has repeatedly told me that this is too emotionally hard for him (being a parent right now). I thought that maybe he was just trying to hurt me because he knows how much I want our son to have his dad.  Now I think that because of the BPD, I really missed that he has been telling me what he needs (which is space).  The comms with me are super twisted.  I think that he keeps mixing me up with his ex (delusional strong NPD).  A lot of the things that she did to him actually triggered late onset mental illness.  Particularly hard because I knew him before. 

It sounds like you've been initiating most of the phone calls, or has your son been asking to call Daddy at all? It's kind of you to do that, but Daddy is a big boy, and he can certainly call if he wants to, no? If not, then that's on him.

Yes I initiated most of the calls.  I was trying to give our son some stability after we split.  Now, I think that if he slips away (my ex) that it won't be quite as hard on our son as it would have been 6 months ago.

I actually sent my ex an email over the weekend and reiterated why we can't get back together (physical violence towards me - he got one mistake and I told him that if he ever made it again then we were done).  I said that I grieved losing him as a husband but that I didn't intend to abandon him as a person.  Then I said:

"Now you have a chance to be a good father.  Spend time with him... .love him... .really, really, really hope that you take it.  He adores you!  Told [our son] that I lost you again but I am sure that we will find you soon. _{(that is my way of handling his dad going quiet... .I say "man, I lost your daddy temporarily.  I am looking for him and hope we will find him soon."  He sort of nods seriously because he knows that I am looking for daddy.  Might not be the right way of dealing with it, but I really don't want him to think that this is about him.  I would rather he think that I have done something wrong (ie lost daddy).}

I am not going to keep asking you to be a father.  Calling over and over.  Chasing you for when you will take him. Let me know when you are ready again!Give me a bit of notice so that I can make plans on the days that you have him." 

Its clear to me that I need to back off and let the relationship take its course.

Thanks for the thoughts.  Again never thought that I would be here.  The good news is that the man that strolled into my life a few months ago really wants to play a role in my son's life (he is a father already).  He seems to understand the lines of what is and is not appropriate (respects that he is not my son's dad but that he can be a consistent and positive role model for him). 

He is filling a lot of the void for my son at the moment and has shown up at a good time.  He comes over and fixes things with him and plays cars.  My son was desperate for guys to be around - so much so that he befriended my daycare provider's husband and his best friend (poor kid) and was asking me if we could call them on weekends and was asking if they could come over to play (URRRR AWKWARD - chuckle).

Its interesting though... .the new guy's dog almost knocked over a box in the garage maybe a month ago.  My heart went into my throat because I expected that he would hit or beat his dog (HE HAS SHOWN NO SIGNS OF VIOLENCE.  THIS IS JUST FROM LIVING WITH MY EX) and I looked at my son who was literally frozen with fear because he obviously was waiting for the same thing (even though my ex left when he was less than 2).  Lasting impacts.  The new guy loudly said "[dog's name] come here!" and it was over.  Hopefully reprogramming what my son expects to happen in these types of situations.

I tell our son every night when he goes to bed that "he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him" and that "his daddy loves him the whole wide world."  Its all true.  His dad really loves him but in his BPD brain he can't handle being with him.

[momtara]

Saying you can't find daddy would make me worried and sad constantly.  I think the approach of acting more in control, saying daddy is at work or something similar, is more bright and cheery.  Kids have little control over anything, so certainty is better than uncertainty.

I think telling ex that you are not getting rid of him as a person is a nice thing.

Amazing that your son already was bracing for a temper tantrum after the dog knocked that over.

Who knows how badly damaged he might have been if you'd stayed.

[allibaba]

Saying you can't find daddy would make me worried and sad constantly.  I think the approach of acting more in control, saying daddy is at work or something similar, is more bright and cheery.  Kids have little control over anything, so certainty is better than uncertainty.

Good input.  Thanks.

[livednlearned]

Hi allibaba,

My son is 13, and N/BPDx is no longer in our lives.

It sounds like you're validating your son about lighter stuff "I miss daddy" with "me too buddy."

But there are other things to validate that aren't always so obvious. My T cautioned me to never say, "Your dad loves you." That is for your ex and your son to figure out. Love for someone with BPD is very confusing and complex. If you can, let your son figure out the words and feelings to describe the relationship he has with his dad, and try to be ok with the uncertainty and confusion that goes with his search for those words and feelings. My son is now 13 and I used to do what you're doing, and it gets complicated as they get older, and by complicated, I mean that he could grown to resent the "lie" that he learned from you. He might begin to learn that you are confused about what love means, and he may even feel anger as he reconciles his dad's absence with your description of that absence as love.

People like us who get involved with BPD sufferers, we have tendencies to try to protect people from experiencing negative feelings. But your son needs to feel the sadness and pain of a father who is not there. Trying to shelter him from that pain will prolong the suffering, and create bigger problems when he gets older. I'm seeing the effects of that now in my son. I kept soothing and glossing and protecting and rescuing. Really good intentions, but not the right antidote to the reality of his relationship with his dad.

It's ok to be uncertain. "I don't really understand why daddy can't come here. He's sad and has trouble handling those sad feelings. I wish he could be sad and just let those feelings be how he feels, because then we could comfort him." Or something like that.

I wasn't sure from what you wrote if it was a white lie that his dad didn't come see him because he was working. Was he truly working? If he wasn't, don't lie to your son and tell him his dad can't be with him because he had to work. You are the most important person in your son's life, and he needs to know that he can trust you. His dad didn't come to see him and it is confusing to your son, and to you, and to everyone else, why he can't. It's ok to say to your son that you are confused, and that it hurts. Then, when he learns it's ok to feel sad, he can redirect. Maybe he will figure out on his own that he is glad he has you to love him, and the new guy too. That's a much more emotionally resilient tool for him to develop. "I feel sad. It's ok I feel sad. But look, I have this person and this person in my life who love me and are with me. Now I can move along and be my whole real self, even though this important person left."

It's ok for kids to feel sad. The more they learn to cope with difficult feelings, the more resilient they will be. It's how they will feel real and whole.

[allibaba]

My T cautioned me to never say, "Your dad loves you." That is for your ex and your son to figure out. Love for someone with BPD is very confusing and complex. If you can, let your son figure out the words and feelings to describe the relationship he has with his dad, and try to be ok with the uncertainty and confusion that goes with his search for those words and feelings. My son is now 13 and I used to do what you're doing, and it gets complicated as they get older, and by complicated, I mean that he could grown to resent the "lie" that he learned from you. He might begin to learn that you are confused about what love means, and he may even feel anger as he reconciles his dad's absence with your description of that absence as love.

People like us who get involved with BPD sufferers, we have tendencies to try to protect people from experiencing negative feelings. But your son needs to feel the sadness and pain of a father who is not there. Trying to shelter him from that pain will prolong the suffering, and create bigger problems when he gets older. I'm seeing the effects of that now in my son. I kept soothing and glossing and protecting and rescuing. Really good intentions, but not the right antidote to the reality of his relationship with his dad.

It's ok to be uncertain. "I don't really understand why daddy can't come here. He's sad and has trouble handling those sad feelings. I wish he could be sad and just let those feelings be how he feels, because then we could comfort him." Or something like that.

I wasn't sure from what you wrote if it was a white lie that his dad didn't come see him because he was working. Was he truly working? If he wasn't, don't lie to your son and tell him his dad can't be with him because he had to work. You are the most important person in your son's life, and he needs to know that he can trust you. His dad didn't come to see him and it is confusing to your son, and to you, and to everyone else, why he can't. It's ok to say to your son that you are confused, and that it hurts. Then, when he learns it's ok to feel sad, he can redirect. Maybe he will figure out on his own that he is glad he has you to love him, and the new guy too. That's a much more emotionally resilient tool for him to develop. "I feel sad. It's ok I feel sad. But look, I have this person and this person in my life who love me and are with me. Now I can move along and be my whole real self, even though this important person left."

It's ok for kids to feel sad. The more they learn to cope with difficult feelings, the more resilient they will be. It's how they will feel real and whole.

This is really good stuff.  Stuff that I hope that the therapist would have pointed out when I got a chance to see her. 

I AM DEFINITELY making these mistakes.  I look at our son and he isn't even 3 and I just want to protect his little heart from the inevitable pain that his father is going to cause.  I can definitely appreciate that its better to allow him to develop his own tools and be honest (with discretion) about who his dad is.  I appreciate that my words are lies and that in the long run, I would rather that he trust me.

His dad (my ex) was up at our house this morning 'one last time' (cough, for the 15th time since we split).  This time I had spent 2 days packing up his stuff in advance.  We (2 yr old son and I) were here.  He was supposed to bring a friend with him to help him complete the move.  I wouldn't have agreed to all of this if he was coming alone.  He showed up alone - no one to help move the furniture - with a van that was too small.  He told me that he could only make one trip (even though he left at noon and could easily have fit in a second trip).  He was highly inappropriate (spent the first 30 minutes here ignoring our son, while he cried, "daddy, daddy let me help."  He got verbally aggressive towards me (short lived because I removed myself and our son).  He stole some stuff from me, but I had foreseen that and had removed the few things that I care about from the house in advance.  He says that he will return in 2 weeks time 'one last time'.  I didn't argue but NOPE.  I am going to hire a 'pod' and load it up and let him know that instead of him having to take more time out of his busy schedule, I am being super helpful and getting his stuff to him.

Its been a while since I have seen true BPD behavior.  Boy, I don't miss it.

Its also good confirmation that nothing has changed.  I am grateful today and I don't have to live like that anymore.

[momtara]

My exH has done the same thing with ignoring son.  Two months ago he came to the house in a rage to pick up the kids for visitation and kept lighting into me - yelling that I didn't pack the right stuff, bla bla... .my son said three times, "Hi, Daddy."  Then son said to me, "Mommy, why isn't daddy hearing me?"  It's heartbreaking.  And what do you say when you're trying not to exacerbate the situation?  I said, "I don't know; you'll have to ask Daddy" because I didn't want to make it worse, but also didn't want to ignore son.  Think about when you are really busy and focused and you don't hear your kids tryign to get your attention.  I think when a pwBPD is enraged, they just are focused on their own angry thoughts.  

It is hard for me to fathom someone who only cares about their kids some of the time - or acts that way, anyway.  But that's what these dual personalities are all about.

[livednlearned]

My ex isn't really a grown man -- emotionally, he was more like a sibling to our son. In many ways, my son at 13 is more emotionally mature than his dad. I think that's what our kids learn over time, and that's why it helps to understand BPD as much as you can, and what it means to be emotionally healthy. Because that's what you're going for -- raising an emotionally healthy kid. You can help them figure that out when they need to reflect on the behavior. And do it in a way that doesn't threaten their core sense of self. In so many ways, you two are fortunate to be learning this now when the developmental stages are still so elastic and malleable. Disappointment and sadness and frustration is a part of life, and the more you help them learn how to feel and recover, the more resilient they will be. If you read about attachment theory, or one the books that really helped me -- Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids by Bill Eddy -- you get a sense of how the logic of emotions work. I think the first part of the title of Eddy's book is misleading in some ways because it's more about the second part, raising emotionally resilient kids, especially when one parent has BPD.

Also, an important thing I learned from my therapist -- if you didn't handle something well with your kid, you get a do-over! So many times, I had to go back to my son and say, "Remember how we were talking about dad, and I said this and that? Well, I've been thinking about it. I was wrong. It isn't my place to say how your dad feels. I saw the expression on your face and noticed your body language and it seemed like you pulled away. Is it because you felt I was doing this or that?"

My son actually does this with me, which is nothing short of a miracle. He'll come down a few hours after we talk and he'll start a sentence as though we were in the middle of a conversation, "Actually, I said that I didn't want to go to x because of this thing, but actually, I am not good at doing y and I don't want to mess up." Imagine if our exes could do that! Your kids, they can learn how to do it from you. They're watching your every move and listening to your every word. That's why therapy is so important -- to learn when we are focusing on ourselves instead of our kids. Even in our best intentions, even as good mothers and parents, we don't always see them clearly because our own emotional dysfunctions can fog things up.

It's such a small but significant tweak -- soothing our kids by letting them feel pain, and letting them learn that they can self-soothe that pain, and someone who loves them is there to hold them and listen. It's a much healthier way to love them, to trust that they have the ability to recover from life's hurts, especially with you there holding them.

[allibaba]

My ex isn't really a grown man -- emotionally, he was more like a sibling to our son. In many ways, my son at 13 is more emotionally mature than his dad. I think that's what our kids learn over time, and that's why it helps to understand BPD as much as you can, and what it means to be emotionally healthy. Because that's what you're going for -- raising an emotionally healthy kid. You can help them figure that out when they need to reflect on the behavior. And do it in a way that doesn't threaten their core sense of self. In so many ways, you two are fortunate to be learning this now when the developmental stages are still so elastic and malleable. Disappointment and sadness and frustration is a part of life, and the more you help them learn how to feel and recover, the more resilient they will be.

I see so many similarities between my ex's behavior and my almost 3 year olds behavior.  I learned a lot about being a good parent from being married to a BPD.

I just want my little guy to have better tools than I did.  My mom is uBPD (though significantly easier to deal with than my ex) and its been a long old road to getting to where I am at now.  As the years go by, I am watching the layers of dysfunction peel off of me.  I am 100x more comfortable in my own skin than I was even last year at the this time.  I can clearly see areas where I need to focus in the upcoming year.  Without my ex in my life, the constant slide backwards has stopped and I am finally making some real progress. 

Also, an important thing I learned from my therapist -- if you didn't handle something well with your kid, you get a do-over!

I have had a few do-overs with my son over the last year.  He has a unbelievable memory for a 2 year old (like insane).  Do-overs are important for me (rather than 'try again next times' because he really doesn't forget.  I remember about 6 months ago he was screaming "I WANT X" and without thinking I responded "I don't care what you want, you are going to do Y!"  YIKES big mistake.  For weeks after that I heard, "I don't care, mommy."  I had to sit down and carefully explain that telling him that I did not care what he wanted was wrong.  That sometimes we don't get want we want, but that I do care how he feels.  I had been hoping that he would just forget.  Nope!  Once we had that conversation where I told him that I had made a mistake saying that to him, I only heard it once and I responded "well I do care how you feel." and like magic I never heard that phrase (I don't care, mommy) again. 

He remembers stuff that I barely remember from late last winter.  Makes me glad that I got my abusive ex out when I did (yeah, yeah you guys were right - ).  My son made a comment the other day about how 'daddy breaks stuff' and '(new guy's name) fixes stuff'... .its very true though the last time that my ex broke anything at the house was last December (he had broken every door in the house before I evicted him!) and our son was only 20 months old at the time.  I really don't want to be part of drawing direct comparisons between my ex and the new guy.  The new guy is just helping out, not fixing stuff that my ex broke (that was fixed ages ago).  If my toddler wants to do that, then its up to him.  Instead I said that I really appreciate the fact that (new guy) fixes stuff for us.

I have even had a few do-overs with my ex too!  No matter how nasty he gets I try to keep my side of the street clean.  Its worked pretty well because so far, my ex never seems to fall completely over the edge (for now).  He still relies on me as a bit of stability in his life.  I am ok with that as long as it doesn't cross my boundaries.

It's such a small but significant tweak -- soothing our kids by letting them feel pain, and letting them learn that they can self-soothe that pain, and someone who loves them is there to hold them and listen. It's a much healthier way to love them, to trust that they have the ability to recover from life's hurts, especially with you there holding them.

Thanks.  I have seen a big impact in my son as soon as I changed this.  Funny how it IS SUCH A SMALL BUT SIGNIFICANT TWEAK.  Yes I am actually referring to the last 24 hours since you pointed this out to me.  KIDS ARE malleable and the effects of healthy parenting happen quickly.  I feel better knowing that I don't have to protect him from sadness and disappointment (I was getting advice from my uBPD mom - DOH, DOUBLE DOG, DOH!)... .thanks for the correction.  I feel better and I can see my son feels better (he was probably picking up on my stress).

And the last time I went to therapy, I spoke with her about how my son is always checking in to see if I am OK.  I was worried because he is so little and I don't want him to feel like he has to take care of his mom.  The therapist told me that this is a good thing.  He has learned empathy from me and he is modelling it.  She said that I obviously ask him how he is and if he is tired etc and he is just mirroring the behavior and not to worry because I am not asking him to take care of me (directly or indirectly).  He is just being a caring person (albeit a tiny one!)

Lol gotta get on the fast track to being healthy for the little guy!

[momtara]

Yeah, the memory on toddlers is amazing - especially memories of abuse!