Emotional Enslavement.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I noticed after my relationship with my ex, I had emotional enslavement issues. Like really severe ones, it's like I was a slave with out a master any more. For example my mother said I should get over her and so I stuffed down my emotions because I felt obligated. When people tell me I should do something, I either feel the need to run away, rebel or submit. It was so bad that at one point I went around my house, giving my self the choice to punch random objects and just giving myself these simple choices, would make me feel empowered. It even affects my counseling sessions, since I feel like I can't burden my counselor with my extreme emotional problems. Or burden my doctors with how much pain I'm in. It's like my person hood was taken from me... .

Anyways, I doubt most of you have as bad of these issues. But I was curious if anyone had any? I know this is similar to how Borderlines feel, I feel like I've been infected. Although, I'm sure I've had some of these issues before her. Just not nearly as bad... .Anyways, I am at least starting to be able to tell doctors and counselors at least, I hope things get better. Thanks for reading.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi

Building from scratch

Look how many people on this site are still hurting , if you weren't a good normal nice guy I don't think you would have ended here on this board I am as well just like you what you are feeling right now it's very normal  even if it was not an ex BPD , But it gets so painful because these creatures has not even one ounce of empathy for others  therefore I know how you feel but I think you need to get a hold of yourself , I don't see that you are infected with BPD you lived with one but they are in it for life You are not you are in a hard transition but it you will get there accept your statue for now don't fight yourself calm yourself instead .

[Pingo]

When people tell me I should do something, I either feel the need to run away, rebel or submit.

This sounds familiar.  Pretty much how I have lived my life, not just since my r/s with my ex but maybe since I was a little girl.  How do I make healthy decisions for myself when everyone else has so many opinions and I have based my self-worth on other's opinions? 

When you say you rebel, what do you mean by that? 

My T asked me how I survived my childhood and got away from my toxic parents.  I rebelled.  My T asked me how I got out of my toxic r/s.  I rebelled.  I said 'no! you aren't going to treat me this way any longer!'.  Since I have been able to recognise how the 'rebel' in me is a source of strength it has changed my outlook. Something has shifted.  I don't want to be a slave to other's opinions any more.  Is this something you could embrace?

[BuildingFromScratch]

When people tell me I should do something, I either feel the need to run away, rebel or submit.

This sounds familiar.  Pretty much how I have lived my life, not just since my r/s with my ex but maybe since I was a little girl.  How do I make healthy decisions for myself when everyone else has so many opinions and I have based my self-worth on other's opinions? 

When you say you rebel, what do you mean by that? 

My T asked me how I survived my childhood and got away from my toxic parents.  I rebelled.  My T asked me how I got out of my toxic r/s.  I rebelled.  I said 'no! you aren't going to treat me this way any longer!'.  Since I have been able to recognise how the 'rebel' in me is a source of strength it has changed my outlook. Something has shifted.  I don't want to be a slave to other's opinions any more.  Is this something you could embrace?

Yeah, I supposed I could embrace rebellion. It's just when other peoples opinions weigh so heavily on you that you are defiant, you are controlled by that, even in your defiance. It's actually why Borderlines seem to never do what others want. Anyways, what I meant is exactly that, I feel the need to do the exact opposite of what others pressure me to do, for no other reason than to not feel controlled.

[anxiety5]

I noticed after my relationship with my ex, I had emotional enslavement issues. Like really severe ones, it's like I was a slave with out a master any more. For example my mother said I should get over her and so I stuffed down my emotions because I felt obligated. When people tell me I should do something, I either feel the need to run away, rebel or submit. It was so bad that at one point I went around my house, giving my self the choice to punch random objects and just giving myself these simple choices, would make me feel empowered. It even affects my counseling sessions, since I feel like I can't burden my counselor with my extreme emotional problems. Or burden my doctors with how much pain I'm in. It's like my person hood was taken from me... .

Anyways, I doubt most of you have as bad of these issues. But I was curious if anyone had any? I know this is similar to how Borderlines feel, I feel like I've been infected. Although, I'm sure I've had some of these issues before her. Just not nearly as bad... .Anyways, I am at least starting to be able to tell doctors and counselors at least, I hope things get better. Thanks for reading.

It sounds very much like codependency. Essentially you view your self worth through the eyes of other people. You mention you feel like a burden to your counselor, or obligated to do certain things. These are classic codependent traits. Likewise, your aggression comes from resentment. When we lack a healthy sense of self image, we usually have deficits of self worth, or self esteem. This is part of what makes the BPD so powerful. I've read countless stories here where the non admits to being in a tough place emotionally when they first met their BPD. Maybe a failed prior relationship, or transitional point in life. No matter the case, there were certain deficits that were lacking in your self image. This is what makes the BPD person so alluring. They pick up on these points, mirror back to us how amazing we are, great we are, unrivaled physical chemistry, etc. Our addiction to this praise and being put on a pedestal is what the honeymoon love bombing stage is all about. It's less about how amazing THEY are and more about the way they made YOU feel about YOURSELF. They fill all those voids in us, and for the first time we feel whole. That is what the motivating force is behind our connection to them, and viewing them as our "soulmate" Why then at the end of the relationship is it so painful? Because the very person who made us whole, and therefore we trust, becomes the person telling us we are worthless, or whose actions make us feel that way. This is incredibly damaging. This is all by design though. The BPD more closely resembles their true self at the END of the relationship, not the BEGINNING. The love bombing is manipulative, and it's the hook that keeps us in it indefinitely. If someone has a healthy sense of self, love bombing doesn't work. When someone overly praises you but you feel good about yourself, all these things they throw at them don't "stick" They can sense this and that is why emotionally whole people are basically immune to BPDs and likewise why they target the low self esteem, codependent, fixer type of people. So, once they have you hooked, the devaluation begins. This happens because it auto programs the codependent to begin working feverishly to get things back to the way they were. Often times ignoring your own needs, wants, etc, and giving unconditionally to the point of losing your own identity. It sounds to me like you have ignored your own true feelings and inner self for so long, you can no longer communicate with it. Without your "master" around as you say, it's no wonder you feel enslaved, because without their crumbs of praise, you simply have no possible way left to feel any sense of worth.

Next time you are in a situation like driving down a highway, when that person or that relationship or life in general creep into your mind. As your anxiety, or anger, or feelings of being lost resurface, pay attention to the things running through your head. It will be about finding someone amazing, it will be about what the BPD is up to right now. It will be wondering if SHE misses YOU. etc. The theme to pay attention to is the fact that you will basically ignore any concept of asking yourself how YOU feel.

My advice would be, take some time and think about how you feel. Write it all down. All the emotions you feel. Keep a log, or a journal and write each day basic ways you felt that day. Once you see a common element of Anger, etc focus on that particular emotion and explore the reason why. Write down everything that comes to mind. It's helpful to get these feelings out if only to and for yourself.

Next, everytime you begin to think of her or notice yourself externally focused on finding "someone to make YOU feel happy" Stop those thoughts and instead ask yourself, what do I want from a partner? What are the things I enjoy doing? What matters to me?

Explore core values. Pick a few of them. These are a handful of things that you identify with and are important to you. Maybe it's honesty, loyalty, accountability, trust, etc. Once you identify these values, they become a starting point to build a foundation for yourself. These are things that you yourself represent every day, and the things YOU need from a partner. What's more, they give you the framework of identity to begin looking for these mutual core values in other relationships like friends and future significant others. These are the building blocks of boundaries. Boundaries are not threats, they are core values that are unconditional to your true self. Therefore if someone is not accountable, or not trustworthy you will be able to easily identify that they have breached a core value. When this occurs, you will understand that because of this, you will never be able to be true to yourself if you continue the relationship withs someone not on this same page as you. Core values are the handful that are NOT negotiable. They are the foundation of self worth. This self worth is gained by living and being true to YOURSELF. Your self image and self esteem will improve by simply being true to yourself. By having these boundaries, it will weed out the people who are not compatible with you and will naturally align you with those who are. Once you are aligned with others in this way, you will blossom because you will be in a place where you are true to yourself and are with others who will reinforce these things.

I've been in the same place as you. I never realized I was lacking self esteem or self worth. A lot of times its subconscious. But actions speak louder than words. When you aren't in touch with your own wants and needs, we are directionless. And the fact that we choose and stay in abusive relationship are the actions that made me realize these issues were in deed there somewhere lurking beneath the surface, I was just unaware of them.

[Pingo]

Anxiety5, I always love your posts!  ^^This is so good!

Yeah, I supposed I could embrace rebellion. It's just when other peoples opinions weigh so heavily on you that you are defiant, you are controlled by that, even in your defiance. It's actually why Borderlines seem to never do what others want. Anyways, what I meant is exactly that, I feel the need to do the exact opposite of what others pressure me to do, for no other reason than to not feel controlled.

I know what you mean, as a teenager I would defy my mother and would end up doing things that weren't good or healthy for me but I was just so damn determined to do the opposite of what she wanted me to do.  Sometimes I even rebel against myself!  I guess I'm just trying to use it as an archetype in a way that I will make my own choices in life.  I'm trying to find that source of strength where I wasn't willing to comply and turn it into something healthy.  I want to remain open-minded but at the same time not feel pressured or influenced in ways I don't want to be.  And I'm so easily influenced it scares me!

I agree with what Anxiety5 says about core values and journaling.  This has helped me immensely. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

I guess I'm just trying to use it as an archetype in a way that I will make my own choices in life.  I'm trying to find that source of strength where I wasn't willing to comply and turn it into something healthy

I should do this too Pingo!

Explore core values. Pick a few of them. These are a handful of things that you identify with and are important to you. Maybe it's honesty, loyalty, accountability, trust, etc. Once you identify these values, they become a starting point to build a foundation for yourself. These are things that you yourself represent every day, and the things YOU need from a partner. What's more, they give you the framework of identity to begin looking for these mutual core values in other relationships like friends and future significant others. These are the building blocks of boundaries. Boundaries are not threats, they are core values that are unconditional to your true self. Therefore if someone is not accountable, or not trustworthy you will be able to easily identify that they have breached a core value. When this occurs, you will understand that because of this, you will never be able to be true to yourself if you continue the relationship withs someone not on this same page as you. Core values are the handful that are NOT negotiable. They are the foundation of self worth. This self worth is gained by living and being true to YOURSELF. Your self image and self esteem will improve by simply being true to yourself. By having these boundaries, it will weed out the people who are not compatible with you and will naturally align you with those who are. Once you are aligned with others in this way, you will blossom because you will be in a place where you are true to yourself and are with others who will reinforce these things.

I've been in the same place as you. I never realized I was lacking self esteem or self worth. A lot of times its subconscious. But actions speak louder than words. When you aren't in touch with your own wants and needs, we are directionless. And the fact that we choose and stay in abusive relationship are the actions that made me realize these issues were in deed there somewhere lurking beneath the surface, I was just unaware of them.

Okay, I figured out my three core values, sex, drugs and rock and roll. What do you think? Just kidding... .anyways

Yeah, I really need to start putting the effort in myself and journal and figure out my beliefs. It's been hard, I have trouble facing my emotions, facing reality, or finding a good counselor. Also I've had depersonalization disorder which is pretty much a complete loss of identity and confidence. Kinda have to build my self from scratch or something. :P And you are right, I've denied my own needs and feelings for so long, that I literally don't know what or who I am in any sort of spiritual context. The amount of emotional slavery I feel is quite extreme. Anyways your tips are very good and helpful, thanks!

[WhatTheFrank]

The best thing I can advise you now, is to be selfish and focus on yourself.  It's weird, because I'm very much a people pleaser and want to make everyone happy and make it look like I'm a busybody.  I usually clear the table/rinse dishes no matter where I'm at, whether I'm hosting, whether my parents are treating me to a delicious meal, whether a friend is hosting, etc... .this Thanksgiving everyone else was looking for something to do, I embraced my inner sloth.  It felt very much as if I was treating myself, holding back from always helping while the younger generation/couples did all the heavy lifting.  As strange as it is, sometimes you need to do something for the sake of you and just enjoy the relaxing alone time to truly progress in the detachment.  If you aren't happy with yourself, it is very easy to be sucked in by these needy people that want more than you ever have to give.

[Pingo]

[Yeah, I really need to start putting the effort in myself and journal and figure out my beliefs. It's been hard, I have trouble facing my emotions, facing reality, or finding a good counselor. Also I've had depersonalization disorder which is pretty much a complete loss of identity and confidence. Kinda have to build my self from scratch or something. :P And you are right, I've denied my own needs and feelings for so long, that I literally don't know what or who I am in any sort of spiritual context. The amount of emotional slavery I feel is quite extreme. Anyways your tips are very good and helpful, thanks!

Finding a good counselor is so helpful, it took me a few to find a really good one and now I'm finding my healing is moving forward and I don't feel so stuck. 

There is a good youtube video on the 'Spartan Life Coach' called 'what are your core values', I'd recommend checking it out, he has a really helpful exercise.