Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 03:16:50 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Lol Hi  (Read 339 times)
mrshambles
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 61


« on: November 27, 2014, 09:53:54 AM »

      I don't know really what to write on here. I have been going to different BPD sites (including this one) for the last 3 1/2 years. I was in a relationship with my exBPD for 4 1/2 years, and I have a child with her. I can write the whole story here but its the same as everyone else. Just recently we split (a little over a week ago) but this time she actually admitted she is seeing someone else... .said that she isn't "settling anymore:... .I have known about her being this way for a long time. I started researching after about the 10th break up thinking, "Well this isn't normal for a person to be like this"... .I don't know... .I am a lot better off than most I suppose, because I KNOW what's wrong with her, and I KNOW what to expect. If you have ever been with one for an extended period of time, you begin to notice they are like clock work. Its almost scary.

      The thing that kills me... .is that I have child with her. It feels like I will NEVER be free, that she will ALWAYS try to recycle, that no matter what... .I will ALWAYS been the one she knows that understand her. And that scares me beyond anything else.

      I have been painted black pretty hardcore this time. I am not sure why. She straight up told me yesterday she went on a date yesterday and made out with a guy for 30 minutes in her car. That doesn't bother me much. I KNOW that the relationship will fail. Hers always does. I don't know... someday I will be like everyone else and write a huge story about it. I'm sure it will sound much like everyone else's. But I would like to provide some insight to how I feel about this. I think the thing is... .us as non's... .we strive to make a connection... .because its natural. And its really hard to understand someone like this. Its hard to understand how the can just move on after you were their word. Its hard to MAKE your brain work like theirs in order to try to understand what they are doing. I worked hard to the last 4 1/2 years to raise our child and her 2 children. They were like my own children as the dad was a meth head and eventually passed away. But it hurts I guess to invest so much into someone... .she knows she is screwed up. I guess the thing bothering me right now is how she can just tell me that she "settled" and now she has met someone that has "raised her bar". I know its not true. I know its just a dig to get at me since I left her after she sabotaged for the millionth time. It just really sucks how you can hope so much for someone to get help... .how you can see the beauty and awesomeness in someone... .and just to watch them keep that person imprisoned inside themselves. I miss her, but not who she is right now. I miss HER... .That HER who I only caught fleeting glimpses of. Its funny how I KNOW that she would rebound fast, how I KNOW it will fail... .but it still hurts... .Crazy right? I just wish she would be strong enough to get help, instead of living the same craziness over and over.
Logged
mrshambles
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 61


« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2014, 10:19:05 AM »

I will say this. This is uncharted territory for me. I worry about dealing with her for the long run. I know I will have to, as we have a 3 year old son together. Any experiences or thoughts on this would be much appreciated. Honestly? I'm scared. I scared that I will have to deal with this forever. The recycle attempts, etc. I know she is bad news. I just want to know... .do they ever stop?
Logged
BrokenFamily
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 223



« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2014, 10:57:59 AM »

We should be best buddies!

You have every right to be scared but if you have your mind right set and keep boundaries you and your child will be not only fine but better off in the long run.

My BPDex left about 3 months ago, replaced me the same week and claims to be madly in love with the guy. We have a daughter together who is just over a year old, we were together for almost 4 years and it's been a mess even communicating with her for our daughter. 

The biggest mistake I made since the breakup were:

Asking her to get help, asking her friends and family members to assist me in talking to her about getting help. (this made her feel attacked and as though I was trashing her and resulted in me being painted more black)

Crying pleading and begging for her to come back to our family because we need and love her. (this made her feel guilt, pain and anxiety which pushed her away further) Have you ever seen the Secret or read about the laws of attraction? If your crying, depressed and sad when communicating with her she's going to run the other way because her anxiety creates that for her on a daily basis and she can't cope with it.

Believing the replacement wouldn't last, criticizing him (he has no car, lives with his mother) and thinking she was just using him to hurt me and to fill an emotional need because she can't be alone. ( 3 months & they seem to be getting along great, his family loves her and she's stated several times he is her future)

Focus your child and be an excellent parent because he needs at least one of them.

Focus on yourself and get done all the things you couldn't accomplish because you were too busy catering to her every need during the relationship.

Don't act needy, don't act like you want her back and don't contact her unless it's about the your child.

Do act indifferent, do set boundaries and stick to them, do keep your clam when she gets aggravated with you.

It takes two to tango and if she's the only one yelling and getting upset eventually she will stop. The moment you join in she will only remember how your words hurt her and not her own that hurt you.

Control your thoughts (inner dialog) you can get overwhelmed with thinking of what if, what she's doing, what will happen in the future and all the other negative stuff and it will keep you in a constant state of pain. The second you catch you thinking of her change the subject in your mind.

When you communicate with her be happy, be positive be validating to her. Tell her you may not agree with her decisions but you respect them and her as a person.

I can go on and on with do's and don'ts and feel free to message me directly is you are feeling down or get into a bind.

Just remember before you can make it better make sure you aren't making it worse.

Happy Thanksgiving i wish you all the best.

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!